Barnaby Rudge: I dunno. We've been talking for a while now, I s'pose I just wanted to know who you really are.

Fickle: Well, I'm glad you asked. I wanted to know what your name is for ages. Even more so since I've seen your photos. Now I know, I like it. It's nice.

Barnaby Rudge: Thank you! So's yours!

My legs! Was she going to mention my legs?

There was a pause, then: Fickle: Ah crap, BR, I gotta go.

Damn!

Barnaby Rudge: So soon?

Fickle: I'm sorry, yeah. I'm going out tonight.

Barnaby Rudge: Oh, okay. Going anywhere nice?

Fickle: Meeting my ex.

Barnaby Rudge: Ah, right.

Fickle: And I wanna grab a bite to eat before I go...and of course, make myself look shit hot. Might smooth things along better with her, you know what I'm saying? LMAO. Kidding ya.

Her...?

Barnaby Rudge: You're, uh, you're gay then?

Fickle: LMAO! Uhh, yeah, durr! Hadn't you already guessed that?

Barnaby Rudge: Oh, um, I hadn't really thought about it.

Yeah, right! Who was I kidding?

Fickle: Really? Surprised about that!

Barnaby Rudge: Sorry?

Fickle: Nothing. LOL. Did I tell you about my ex? All very nasty, it was, towards the end.

Barnaby Rudge: You didn't, no.

Fickle: It'll have to be another time, BR. I really gotta go. Wish me luck!

Barnaby Rudge: Good luck, Fickle.

Fickle: See ya.

Barnaby Rudge: See ya.

I watched as Fickle's status changed from online to offline and leant back in my chair, rubbing irritably at my eyes with the balls of my palms, my head filling up with a thousand thoughts.

So Fickle was gay. I supposed I'd kinda already guessed that, just by all the flirting, but seeing her write it in black and white confirmed it for me. And she had an ex too. Why couldn't I have seen that? Of course she was going to have an ex! Everyone has a bloody ex! And if Fickle had her way, whoever she was, she wouldn't be an ex for long.

Anger pulsed through me, for no apparent reason, like there was some kinda rising tide of frustration and rage that I couldn't control or stop. On an impulse, I snatched up my phone and called Matt, listening half in disappointment and half in relief as I heard it ring out and go to voicemail. I closed my eyes and spoke into the phone, telling Matt I wanted to see him. I don't know why I wanted to see him-I just did. Or did I? Who the fuck knew? "Be good to hook up, Matt," I said, squeezing my eyes tight shut. "Ring me when you get this message, yeah?"

I flipped my phone shut and wandered to my bed, lying out on it with my hands folded behind my head, enjoying the silence of the house. I stared up at the ceiling and tried not to think about Fickle and her ex, but no matter how hard I tried, images of her-of them-floated in and out of my mind, until I thought that I would go raving mad. The ringing of my mobile a short while later punctured the silence, and I jumped. I blinked my eyes open, surprised to see my bedroom now in complete darkness, except for the flickering light of my computer, which had evidently given up any hope of my return and had gone into standby. I must have fallen asleep. I looked at my phone; Matt's name flashed at me.

I sat up, flipped the phone open, and spoke.

"Matt," I said groggily.

"You okay? You don't sound so good." Matt's voice rumbled with concern.

"I was asleep, I dunno, I just, uh, I just fell asleep on my bed." I laughed, rubbing at my eyes and yawning loudly.

"Hard day, huh?"

"I guess."

"You said you wanted to hang out, yeah?" Matt sounded breathless, as if he was walking and talking at the same time.

I looked at my watch. Fickle would be out by now. With her ex.

"Yeah, fancy it?" I tried to forget about Fickle and focus on talking to Matt.

"Sure. You wanna meet in town?" Matt asked.

I mean, who the hell was Fickle's ex anyway? And why hadn't she told me she had an ex? I frowned. More importantly, why was she always flirting with me when she had an ex whom she was still interested in?

"Immy? You there?" Matt again.

Where was she now, huh? Why did she have to go out when all I wanted to do was talk to her, get to know her more? Did she have any idea how much I thought about her? How much I wanted her? How could I ever get to know her better if she wasn't around? You know what? Fuck her.

"No, come over here," I suddenly said to Matt. "Mum and Dad are out. Sophie's at a mate's."

"You sure?" Matt sounded cautious.

"Very sure," I replied.

Matt arrived at the house just after seven, slightly out of breath.

"I was walking through town when you rang, so I just ran up straight from there." He grinned at me, shrugging apologetically.

I stepped aside to let him in.

"You had a good day?" I asked, shutting the front door behind him as he brushed past me, bringing a rush of cool evening air from outside in with him, and stood in the hallway.

"Not bad. Just been given a pile of work at college, but nothing that can't wait." Matt pulled his coat off and placed it over the banister. He looped his arms over my shoulders and pulled me to him, kissing me briefly.

"Drink?" I removed myself from his hug and walked towards the kitchen.

"You got a beer there?" Matt followed me into the kitchen and leant against the sink, watching me.

I retrieved a beer from the fridge and flipped the lid from it before handing it to him, nodding as he thanked me and took a large drink from it. I watched as the bubbles settled back in the bottle and wondered briefly if Fickle was drinking beer, wherever she was right now. I shook my head, almost as if to shake the thought of it from my head, and grabbed myself a beer, flipping the lid from it and drinking it back.

"You okay?" Matt was still leaning against the sink.

I looked at him.

"Bit of a headache, thassall." I thought I saw a brief flash of disappointment on his face.

"C'mere." Matt placed the beer bottle down on the side and held his arms out to me. He wrapped his arms tight around me as I leant against him, burying my head in his shoulder, my beer bottle still grasped tightly in my hand.

"I've missed you," he whispered into my hair. "You do know how I feel about you, don't you?"

I nodded into his shoulder, then watched as he took the beer bottle from me and placed it on the side. I followed resignedly as he took my hand and led me from the kitchen. We paused at the bottom of the stairs as Matt took my face in his hands and kissed me again, softly at first, then harder, his lips cold and wet against mine. My head started spinning and I found myself kissing him back, hard, as visions of Fickle swam into my head over and over again.

Without another word, I took his hand and climbed the stairs, leading him to my bedroom and pushing him down onto my bed. I clambered on top of him and kissed him again, before we both flipped over so that he was now on top of me, regaining the upper hand once more.

"Are you sure?" he asked, voice husky, eyes intent.

I nodded.

Matt leant back and pulled his jumper off over his head, throwing it onto the floor, then nuzzled at my neck, telling me to take my top off too. I did what he wanted and lay back down, letting him kiss his way down my body, before he started undoing my jeans.

I lifted my hips up and let him pull my jeans down, wriggling my legs a little to help them down and watched, almost in slow motion as Matt raised himself up and unbuckled his belt, pulling his jeans down too. He leant back over me, hands either side of my head, and dipped his mouth to mine, kissing me more urgently.

"I've waited soooo long for this," he whispered, tugging at my knickers. "You have no idea how long I've wanted this, Immy."

His words washed over me as I lay back and closed my eyes, hating the feeling of Matt's rough body pressed against mine. Images of Fickle burned into my eyes as I squeezed them tight shut, almost as if to keep them safe inside me, and away from Matt. Images of Fickle being with her ex, images of Fickle being with me and doing this with me swam through my head as I felt Matt's body start to move against mine.

Afterwards, as we lay spooning, tears rolled down my face, soaking my pillow. But I knew I'd done the right thing. Sleeping with Matt had been the barrier I'd needed to break for months. Now I'd done it, I could start to forget about Fickle and finally be a proper girlfriend to Matt.

I wasn't gay. I was straight. And you know what? I'd just damn well proved it.

Chapter Six.

After Matt had gone, kissing me tenderly good-bye at the front door and telling me how happy he was, I returned to my room and lay on my bed in the darkness, just staring up at the ceiling. I remembered everything we'd just done and tried to stem the feeling of panic about to overwhelm me.

Why had I done it? Why?

I knew darned well why. Fickle.

I wanted to prove something to myself, but what was it? That Matt was important to me and that Fickle didn't matter? Was I trying to punish her? Punish myself? Ridiculous! Fickle was nothing to me, yet here I was imagining that I'd just slept with Matt so that it would punish her for going out when all I'd wanted was for her to be with me, even if only in cyberspace.

I rubbed at my eyes, trying to stop the tears I knew were only one more thought away. I was going mad; there was nothing else to explain it. I was infatuated with someone I'd never even met, infatuated to the point that I'd slept with my boyfriend and hated every second of it. Just to prove a point.

I looked across to the computer and, hauling myself from my bed, set myself down in front of it and brought up MSN again. I knew Fickle wouldn't be around, but a small part of me kept hoping that she might show, even though the last thing I needed was her telling me about her fabulous night out with her ex. As MSN flickered into life, I secretly prayed that her name would be there. It wasn't. Instead, I went to the message board, seeking comfort that I knew I'd get from an hour or so of inane chatting.

I posted a few hellos and answered a few threads, but my heart wasn't in it. Despite every part of me telling me I was being stupid, I knew that what I really wanted was Fickle. Joey's name flashed up on MSN and I smiled. Relieved to have the chance to talk to someone, I sent her a message: Barnaby Rudge: Hey!

Joey: Hey! You okay? You sound a bit down in the dumps on the board tonight.

Barnaby Rudge: Bit fed up, is all.

Joey: That doesn't sound like you! Wassup?

Barnaby Rudge: Oh I dunno, Joe. My life's just a bit confusing right now.

Joey: You wanna talk about it? I'm having an argument with someone called HoBo on the board, so I think I'm kinda gonna be here for the night!

Barnaby Rudge: It's just, I dunno. I'm going out with this guy, right?

Joey: Uh-oh, man trouble alert!

Barnaby Rudge: And he's nice and he's good looking and he's attentive and he treats me well and all.

Joey: Uh-huh.

Barnaby Rudge: But I'm not getting it, you know?

Joey: Not getting what? Sex?

Barnaby Rudge: LMAO! Noooooo! I'm not getting HIM.

Joey: Ah! Phew! 'Cos it's best not to ask me about yukky things like boy sex, y'see. I bat for the other team, kiddo, so I wouldn't be much cop advising you about that.

Barnaby Rudge: Ah, right!

Joey: But lemme tell you, I've been out with enough women to help you with the whole 'not getting it' vibe. Ooooh believe me, mate, I've been there and bought the T-shirt. Mind you, there've been times I wished I'd kept the receipt...

Barnaby Rudge: And what did you do?

Joey: Well the thing is, you know when a person's right for you, don't you?

Barnaby Rudge: Yuh huh.

Joey: 'Cos you get, like, the butterflies, the whole 'can't eat' thing, the 'can't stop thinking about them' thing, don't you?