Barnaby Rudge: No? Really?

Twiggy: Isn't it cute? Love over the superhighway. Is that what's happened to you?

Barnaby Rudge: I guess. And you don't think it's weird? Falling for someone over the Internet?

Twiggy: No, course not! The Internet's just another way of meeting people, isn't it? Just like you could meet someone down at the supermarket or out walking your dog. No one dictates where you meet someone, it just happens, doesn't it? If it happens over the 'net, so what? Nah, I think it's cute! As long as he's not an axe murderer or anything like that! LOL!

Barnaby Rudge: I never thought it would happen to me.

Twiggy: Well, sounds like it has! So who is he?

Barnaby Rudge: Hmm, that's the thing, Twigs.

Twiggy: Oh God, he's not married, is he?!

Barnaby Rudge: No!

Twiggy: He's not one of the actors from the show, is he? Cos I heard they sometimes post on there, anonymously, you know? Now that REALLY would be mega-cute!

Barnaby Rudge: It's not a bloke.

Twiggy: Oh. I see.

There was a pause as I guessed Twiggy was processing that nugget of information.

Barnaby Rudge: You've gone quiet. I don't like that. LOL.

Twiggy: I didn't know you were gay, thassall.

Barnaby Rudge: Neither did I. Until recently, anyway!

Twiggy: Oh, right.

Another long pause. I desperately thought of something to say to Twiggy, but nothing would come.

Twiggy: So who is it that's stolen your heart?

Barnaby Rudge: Someone called Fickle.

Twiggy: Hmm, all right. Don't think I've ever spoken to her, but I think I've read some of her posts.

Barnaby Rudge: And the good thing is that she feels the same way about me.

Twiggy: I see.

Barnaby Rudge: I'm getting awkward vibes, Twigs. You want me to go?

Twiggy: No, I'm sorry. You'll have to bear with this old, married woman. It's just, I don't know any gay people, you know? It seems a bit strange talking about it.

Barnaby Rudge: You're not old! You're only 24, Twigs!

Twiggy: Yeah, I know. But you'll still have to bear with me. I just don't feel so comfortable talking about it, I'm sorry.

Barnaby Rudge: But, but! You watch Lovers and Sinners, that's got a gay couple in it!

Twiggy: Yeah, but the Ali and Jess stuff is just a small part of the story for me. I'm guessing they're a big part of it for you?

Barnaby Rudge: Yeah. I thought they were for everyone-they are the main characters after all.

Twiggy: Not for me, sorry. I talk about Pete and Sara far more than I do about Ali and Jess.

Barnaby Rudge: Oh. K. I didn't realise.

I looked down at my hands, poised over the keyboard. Any euphoria I'd had earlier seemed to disappear and reality arrived to bite me on the bum. Twiggy wasn't comfortable me talking to her about fancying another girl. I could talk about it with Joey and Fickle quite freely; I s'pose I thought Twiggy liked them as much, but thinking back, we never really ever talked about the story that much, more just about other stuff, like football and stuff.

I felt really deflated. Dirty, even, as though everything me and Twiggy had talked and joked about over the last few weeks counted for nothing. I felt like a stranger to her, and realised that perhaps you sometimes really don't know who you're talking to over the Internet after all.

Barnaby Rudge: Twigs? You still there?

Twiggy: Yeah, still here.

Barnaby Rudge: I wish I hadn't said anything to you now!

Twiggy: I'm sorry, have I upset you? It's not you, BR, it's me. I just don't know any gay people, well, only Joey on here. Not in real life, I mean. It's just not something I feel familiar with!

I read Twiggy's last little bit. Not in real life. This wasn't real life, was it?

Barnaby Rudge: And you're not comfortable with it?

Twiggy: I dunno!

Barnaby Rudge: But I'm still me, Twigs. I haven't changed!

Twiggy: I know. I'm sorry. Blame my upbringing, if you like!

Barnaby Rudge: OK, I'm gonna go 'cos this is real awkward.

Twiggy: No, don't go! Please. Tell me about Fickle. I wanna know, really I do. Make me understand? LOL.

Barnaby Rudge: You sure?

Twiggy: Sure, sure. Please.

Barnaby Rudge: I'm not sure I understand myself, Twigs!

Twiggy: Talk to me. It might help?

Barnaby Rudge: OK, well, we kinda got talking a while ago and I dunno, there was something different about her, something that made her stand out from the others. No offence.

Twiggy: None taken! So how did you find out she liked you too?

Barnaby Rudge: She told me tonight.

Twiggy: Just tonight?!

Barnaby Rudge: Yeah.

Twiggy: And you just finished with Matt the other night? Because of Fickle? You must feel real up and down right now.

Barnaby Rudge: Mainly up. Well, I did anyway. LOL!

Twiggy: And I brought you down again? I'm sorry, I never meant to.

Barnaby Rudge: S'OK.

Twiggy: Are you happy?

Barnaby Rudge: Very! I really like her, Twigs.

Twiggy: That's kinda cute!

Barnaby Rudge: #blush# Twiggy: But you didn't know you were gay until you got talking to Fickle?

Barnaby Rudge: Maybe I thought I might be a bit gay...

Twiggy: LMAO!!! I won't ask which bit!

Barnaby Rudge: And then Fickle appeared in my life and everything got turned on its head. Everything I thought I knew about myself started getting questioned and I couldn't understand what was happening to me. All I knew was that the little part of me that thought I was gay suddenly turned into a big part.

Twiggy: And that's why you finished with Matt?

Barnaby Rudge: Yup. I couldn't carry on seeing him knowing I wasn't into him, could I?

Twiggy: Not when you were so into someone else. No, I s'pose not.

Barnaby Rudge: Do you think I'm a bitch?

Twiggy: God, no! Sounds like you're confused, though.

Barnaby Rudge: But that's just it, Twigs. I WAS confused, horribly confused. But then I broke up with Matt and Fickle told me she liked me and now...well, everything seems so much clearer.

Twiggy: Until it passes again.

Barnaby Rudge: Until what passes?

Twiggy: Well, what if it's a phase? You just said yourself you didn't know you were gay. What if you're not really gay? What if this really is just a phase? Sounds like Fickle's heaped a whole load of attention on you and you like it. What if you've mistaken her attention for something else?

Barnaby Rudge: Nah, it's more than that. I liked Fickle waaaay before she started coming onto me.

Twiggy: I'm sorry if I sound like an old fuddy-duddy here, BR, but I just don't understand how you can be gay if you've never been with a woman before!

Barnaby Rudge: Of course you can! I fancy women. I don't fancy guys! So it's taken me a while to admit it to myself, but now I have admitted it, it's as clear as crystal to me that that's what I am. Gay.

Twiggy: But you went out with a guy!

Barnaby Rudge: And pretty much hated every second of it, Twigs. Both the dating and the sex! LOL. You gotta try something to know whether you're gonna like it or not, don't you? And I tried dating a guy and I didn't like it. Now I wanna date a girl, see if I like it. And you know what? I reckon I AM gonna like it.

Twiggy: I guess.

Barnaby Rudge: Don't put a downer on it, Twigs.

Twiggy: I'm sorry. It's tricky for me, yeah, 'cos you're talking to someone who's always known she's 100 percent straight.

Barnaby Rudge: And I now know 100 percent that I'm not straight.

Twiggy: Sooooo, you and Fickle, Chatte Noire and Josh99...this message board's becoming quite a hotbed of passion!

Barnaby Rudge: I know! And I'm kinda glad you told me about Chatte Noire and Josh 'cos at least it proves it can happen to anyone, right?

Twiggy: Dead on! I guess you're not going to tell Matt about Fickle, though?

Barnaby Rudge: Shit, no!

Twiggy: Right decision!

Barnaby Rudge: She says she's gonna ring me tomorrow and I'm bricking it already.

Twiggy: What if she's got this awful, squeaky, nasally, heavily accented voice and you go right off her??!

Barnaby Rudge: Shuddup, Twigs!

Twiggy: You'll be fine, BR! Don't stress about speaking to her, it'll be good for you to talk to each other. It'll move things in the right direction for you both as well, if that's what you want?

Barnaby Rudge: It is what I want, yeah. Sooo much! I feel excited and nervous and unsure and happy and scared and giddy and silly all rolled into one!

Twiggy: Ahhh, that's love for ya, BR!

Barnaby Rudge: It feels new to me, but it feels great! I've been walking around with a grin on my face, looks like someone put a coathanger upside down in my mouth!!

Twiggy: I'm pleased for you, I really am. Gah, I'd better go, BR. I've got a stack of ironing waiting for me downstairs. Oh the joy of it!

Barnaby Rudge: K, Twigs. Thanks for listening.

Twiggy: You're welcome. And I'm sorry again I was a bit weird with you earlier, and I'm sorry if it sounds like I don't really understand.

Barnaby Rudge: NP.

Twiggy: You around tomorrow?