'You look like a super-model in it. I swear you get younger looking all the time.' Mum was unaware of Sophie's fondness for Botox. She didn't believe in cosmetic surgery, and honestly thought Sophie's reverse-ageing was due to expensive creams.

'Yes, Sophie, how do you do it? How do you manage to look so young?' Louise asked, as Sophie glared at her. 'I'm sorry, are you frowning at me? It's hard to tell.'

'Our very own Benjamin Button.' I laughed.

'I don't know what you're laughing about.' Mum waved a fork at me. 'You could take a leaf out of Sophie's book. I know you're busy with the boys, but you need to smarten yourself up, Julie. Women have to keep themselves in shape or their husbands start looking around.'

'Gee, thanks, Mum. So not only do I look like crap but Harry's going to leave me now too.'

'I'm only saying '

'Mum!' Louise cut across her. 'Julie's doing her best. Give her a break.'

'I know I need to lose weight. I know I look a hundred and fifty and I know my clothes are permanently covered in yoghurt or banana, but that's my life right now. There's no point wearing expensive clothes. They'd get wrecked.' As if to demonstrate the point, Tom rubbed his snotty nose into my jumper.

'Why don't you get one of those au pairs and give yourself a break?' Mum suggested.

'Where the hell would she sleep? The triplets are in the big bedroom and Tom is in the box room. We don't have space for an au pair.'

'There's no need to get het up. I'm only trying to help.' Mum turned to drain the Brussels sprouts.

But you're not helping, I thought. You could help by offering to babysit once in a blue moon. You could try not to look so horrified every time I call in with the kids. You could stop nagging me about my weight. You could stop telling me how perfect Sophie is and how beautiful her house and her clothes are. You could stop telling me that my kids are out of control. You could stop telling me that I should have had my Fallopian tubes tied after the triplets ...

I tuned back to the conversation.

'Honestly, Julie, you're lucky Harry's parents are dead,' Sophie said. 'Jack's family are a nightmare. They're so bloody superior. I hate going there. That bitch Fiona always tries to make me feel like a loser because I don't work.'

'She's just been made head of radiology at RCH, hasn't she?' Mum asked.

Sophie rolled her eyes. 'Oh, yes, we heard all about it. And Grace is getting tested for Mensa. When I told them about Louise being a member they nearly fell over. They couldn't believe that I bimbo had a genius sister.'

'I hope you told them she went to Cambridge,' I said.

'Of course I did.'

'And that she's a partner in Higgins, Cooper & Gray.'

'I forgot that bit. I can never remember the name of the company.'

'I've only been there twenty years,' Louise muttered.

'Oh, you know I can never remember names.' Sophie waved her wine glass in the air.

'Did they see your watch?' Mum asked.

'No, I took it off. I didn't want them to say anything rude about it. They were so mean about Jack's car. Have you seen it? It's an Aston Martin DB9 Volante. It's so cool it's like a James Bond car!'

'Wow, that's great,' I said, willing myself to be happy for her and trying not to compare it to my horrid people-carrier.

'She can remember some names, like Aston Martin DB9 Volante,' Louise whispered, and I tried not to laugh.

'I'm sure Jack would let Harry take it for a spin,' Sophie said. 'He'll probably insist on going with him, though. He's very protective of it. It's only two weeks old.'

I knew that Harry would rather cut his eyes out with a blunt knife than go for a drive with Jack in his 007 car. 'Maybe later,' I said tactfully.

The door flew open and a very red-faced Dad came in with Leo and Liam attached to each leg and Luke on his back. 'Can we eat soon? I'm starving. These fellas have me worn out,' he said.

'It's ready now.' Mum handed him the carving knife as I pulled the boys off. I bribed them with sweets and a new Ben 10 DVD. We'd hopefully get half an hour of peace to eat while it was on.

We all helped bring out the food and sat down at the table, with the newly washed and fragrant-smelling Gavin. Just as we were about to tuck in, the doorbell rang.

'Who could that be on Christmas Day?' Mum asked.

'Oh, yeah, Mum, I forgot to tell you,' Gavin said, stuffing a forkful of food into his mouth as he stood up. 'Forest is coming for dinner he had nowhere else to go and I knew you wouldn't want anyone to be alone on Christmas Day.' He rushed out to open the door before Mum could tell him exactly what she thought of that idea.

Forest came into the room and dropped his knapsack on the floor. If Gavin had smelt bad, Forest was ten times worse. After a cursory hello, he squeezed in between Sophie and Jack, while Louise and I tried not to laugh. Sophie took out her perfume and sprayed herself and most of Forest's head.

Dad handed him a full plate. 'Get that into you, son. You look like you haven't eaten in years.'

'Thanks, Mr Devlin, but I'm a strict vegan like Gavin.' We turned to look at Gavin, who quickly swallowed the large slice of turkey in his mouth.

'Give that here.' Mum grabbed the plate, scraped off the turkey and ham and handed it back with just Brussels sprouts and roast potatoes. She did the same with Gavin's.

Forest dived in. 'This tastes very good, Mrs Devlin. I've been surviving on a diet of nuts and berries.'

'Where was that?' Dad enquired. 'The Gobi desert?'

Harry choked on his wine.

'Actually, no, although that is somewhere I would like to visit. I've been tree-sitting in the UK, in the New Forest. I just came home for a few days to regroup.'

'Are you not worried that the tree'll be murdered while you're back here?' Dad wondered.

'No. I've left my sister in it.'

'Your parents must be delighted to have two tree-sitters in the family.' Dad winked at us. 'Gavin, maybe you could persuade one of your sisters to do a relay with you in the golf club. I'd say Sophie's your best bet.'

'Dad!' Gavin warned him.

'Is it something you'd like to get involved in?' the oblivious Forest asked Sophie.

'Excuse the pun, but you're barking up the wrong tree there, mate.' Jack roared laughing.

'Would you consider yourself an observant person?' Louise asked Forest.

'Absolutely, never miss a trick.'

'And you think that Sophie here is a likely candidate for tree-sitting?'

Forest looked Sophie up and down. 'Obviously she currently worships the false god of materialism, but the environmentalist lies within us all. It may be buried deeper in some, but it's there. It just needs to be set alight and nurtured.' Forest took a long sip of his wine.

'Excuse me,' Sophie retorted. 'I do not worship a false god. If anyone here is worshipping a false god, it's you the god of bad hygiene.'

'Could you all show a little respect for my friend?' Gavin snapped. 'What happened to Christmas goodwill? Seriously, give the guy a break.'

'Amn't I feeding him and giving him wine and a roof over his head?' Mum huffed.

'What do you call a militant vegan?' Jack asked Forest. 'Lactose intolerant.'

We all laughed except Forest and Gavin.

'How many carnivores does it take to change a light-bulb?' Forest retorted. 'None. They'd rather spend their lives in darkness.'

'Touche.' Gavin high-fived his smelly friend.

'What's for dessert?' I asked, having decided to change the subject.

'Home-made trifle,' Mum said. Turning to Forest, she asked, 'Do you people eat trifle?'

'It depends on the ingredients. What have you made it with?' Forest asked.

'This fella has a death wish,' Dad whispered to me.

Mum leant across the table and eyeballed Forest. 'It's made with a secret recipe that my grandmother handed down to me and I have no intention of divulging it to you or any other tree-huggers who cross my threshold. Now you can eat it or you can sit here and be quiet. I don't want to hear another word about your ideas or causes. I blame you for putting the mad notions into my son's innocent head that have led to him living up a tree in my golf club.' Mum waved a serving spoon in Forest's face. 'I want you to tell him to get down from that tree and stop this nonsense.'

'I'm sorry, Mrs Devlin, I can't do that. Did Gandhi stop? Did Martin Luther King stop? No, they did not.'

'He's not heading up a movement in the golf club car park. It's hardly an international incident,' Louise pointed out.

'It's all part of peaceful civil disobedience,' Gavin said. 'If Rosa Parks had given up her seat to that white passenger in Alabama, we might not have ended segregation.'

'Rosa Parks!' Dad buried his head in his hands.

'I blame you too.' Mum poked Dad in the back. 'I told you all those years ago not to join Amnesty International. They're a very aggressive bunch.'

'Jesus, I gave them a monthly donation, Anne, I didn't set myself on fire.'

Mum turned to Gavin. 'Will you please stay away from that tree? You're down now. Just stay at home.'

'I can't, Mum. I committed to saving it and I'm not giving up. You can't go around bulldozing two-hundred-year-old trees.'

'Stay strong, brother,' Forest said.

'Can we please talk about something else?' Sophie complained.

'Actually, I have a bit of news,' Louise said. We all turned to face her. 'I'm pregnant.'

5.

Louise.

Well, that certainly got their attention. I thought Mum was going to have a heart attack on the spot. She turned bright red.

'What did you say?'

'I'm pregnant. Due in April.' I licked the custard off my spoon.

'Congratulations.' Julie jumped up and came over to hug me. 'Why the hell didn't you tell me earlier?' she whispered.

I ignored her. I knew that Julie would be the one to catch me out. I had to stick to my story.

'Wow.' Sophie leant over and squeezed my hand. 'Good for you.'

'Dude, aren't you a bit old for kids?' Gavin asked.

I put down my spoon. 'No. Lots of women have children in their forties now.'

'Excuse me,' Mum interrupted. 'What do you mean you're pregnant? You never told us you were seeing anyone. Are you also going to tell us you're married?'

'No, Mum, I'm not married and there is no man. At least, not any more.'

'Did you misplace him?' Dad enquired.

'No, he didn't want a baby, so we broke up,' I lied.

'You mean to say he left you when you told him you were expecting?' Dad asked.

'Yes.'

'The bastard,' Harry said.

'Oh, God, Lou, that's terrible.' Julie put an arm around me.

'I'm fine, really. I don't want him to be involved. He's a total plonker.'

'Why'd you shag him, then?' Jack asked.

'Jack!' Sophie glared at him.

'That's just not good enough, Louise.' Mum was getting wound up now. 'I don't care what type of a "plonker" he is, he has to take responsibility for his child. A baby needs a father. George, you'll just have to go over to London and talk to this individual.'

I jumped in before Dad started booking flights. 'He lives in New York and no one is going to speak to him. I don't need him and neither does the baby. He's made it clear that he doesn't want children. This was not supposed to happen but it did and I've decided to keep the baby. I'll be raising her on my own.'