'She's a saint. She's with those kids twenty-four seven with no help, no time out and no cash. Her house is trashed, her car is falling apart and she never complains. When his salary was cut she just got on with it. The only thing I think she did do wrong was she let herself go a bit after the kids were born and her self-esteem plummeted.'

'I agree with you, actually. Her self-confidence was down because she didn't look good. Although, in fairness to her, she tried. She started a diet every year, but it never lasted more than four days.'

'She was never very disciplined,' Sophie laughed, 'but I envy her relaxed attitude to food. I've spent my whole life starving myself. I've been hungry since I was eighteen. First of all I did it for modelling and then for Jack. It's miserable to be hungry all the time.'

'Well, I've been overly disciplined about work. For the last twenty years my career has defined who I am. Now I'm a mother I've discovered there is more to life and that you can really enjoy simple things, like giving Clara a bath. I still run into work every morning, but now sometimes I actually want to leave early to spend time with her.'

'My God, Louise, you almost sound maternal.' Sophie giggled.

'Don't tell anyone. Now, back to Julie. I'm going to book the tickets for Paris. She can't live in denial. She needs to face the truth and deal with it. If he's going to leave her, she has to accept it and screw him for every penny he has, which won't be a lot, but we'll all be here to look out for her and support her.'

'Poor Julie it's such a shock when your husband lets you down. I feel so sorry for her.'

'Look how well you've coped,' I reminded her. 'You've been so strong.'

'Believe me, I still have my bad days, but it was an incredible help having you guys there for me. And Gavin's been great, too. He's really helped out with Jess. I think he's finally growing up.'

'About bloody time. OK, I've got to go. Clara needs her bottle.'

'Careful, Louise, someone might mistake you for a mother some day.'

I laughed and hung up.

Work was a nightmare at the moment. Dominic was unbearably smug now that he was Gordon Hanks's 'chosen one'. While he swanned off to New York to represent Gordon's new acquisition, I was left to look after all of his files as well as my own. Alex had been cool with me since the oversight with the purchase price, so I had been working twice as hard to prove myself yet again. I was sick of always having to prove myself. I was fed-up competing with men who had wives to make their lives seamless while I had to juggle everything alone. I'd had enough of everyone watching me to see if having a baby would make me trip up, mess up, be unable to cope. And the worst of it was, I'd made that bloody mistake and given them a reason to question my commitment and ability to do my job properly.

After twenty years of giving a hundred per cent at all times, of being totally loyal to the firm, I had finally messed up and it felt awful. I was furious and disappointed with myself. Dominic called daily from New York to check up on his files. It was his way of rubbing salt into my wound and it succeeded: he was really getting to me. The phone rang at exactly one o'clock every day, which was eight o'clock in New York.

I looked at my watch. Here we go ...

'Hi, Louise, it's Dominic.'

'Hello.'

'So, how are things going? Are you still managing to cope with all the work Alex has landed you with?'

'Believe it or not, Dominic, your files aren't really that complex. I'm coping just fine.'

'I don't know you sound very tired. Is the baby up again?'

'I'm not tired at all. It must be the phone line.'

'Did you call the lawyers about clause eight of the Hilton-Paltery merger?'

'Yes, Dominic. It's been sorted out.'

'Did you check the amendments on screen or did you actually print them out this time?'

I gripped my desk and forced myself not to get angry. 'The papers have been thoroughly checked.'

'Yes, well, I'd like to see for myself. We don't want another potentially disastrous oversight on our hands, now, do we?'

I knew if I didn't hang up, I'd blow a fuse. 'I'll forward them to you now. Look, I have to go, I'm busy.'

'Me too. I need to finish up early today. Gordon is taking me for dinner with his family to celebrate his daughter's eighteenth birthday. We're going to Per Se, the three-star Michelin restaurant in Columbus Circle. He's booked the private dining room. I believe we're having the tasting menu.'

I had been to Per Se. It was a fantastic restaurant. I couldn't believe Dominic had been invited to a family celebration. The weasel had obviously really wound his way into Gordon's affections. 'Well, as I said, I have to go.'

'I'll send Gordon your best.'

I slammed down the phone and resisted the urge to throw it across my office.

The next day I ate lunch at my desk. I was waiting for my daily call from Dominic, but it never came. He was obviously sleeping off a hangover from all the fine wine he'd been drinking with the Hanks family last night, I thought glumly.

My office door opened and Meredith's head popped around. She was wearing a perfectly tailored red suit and looked fantastic. I was glad I'd worn my grey wool dress with the cap sleeves: it was really smart and I knew I looked good in it. I didn't want Meredith thinking I was letting the side down.

'You got a sec?' she asked.

'Sure, come in.' I hadn't seen her since my screw-up. She'd been away in Edinburgh, working, but had heard about it everyone in the office was talking about it and had sent me a supportive email saying, Don't let the bastards get you down. It was a mistake. We all make them. You fixed it. Move on.

She sat down opposite me, crossed her legs and grinned. 'I thought you might be interested in some news I have regarding your colleague, Dominic.'

That got my attention. 'What is it?'

'You know that my secretary, Shirley, and Alex's are cousins?'

'Yes.'

'Well, Shirley just came in and told me that the shit has hit the fan in New York.'

'Go on.' I sat up straight in my chair. This sounded good.

'Our friend Dominic, a.k.a. the Rat, was out with Gordon Hanks and his family last night.'

'He told me it was the daughter's eighteenth birthday and he was the guest of honour.'

Meredith snorted. 'According to my sources, it seems that old Dominic had a little too much red wine. After dinner Hanks and his wife went home, while the birthday girl Abbey went to meet up with some friends in a nightclub. Dominic, ever the gentleman, said he'd escort her and make sure she was OK. Hanks woke up this morning to find his daughter missing. She never made it home. He freaked and started calling her friends only to discover that she had gone back to Dominic's hotel for a "nightcap".'

'No!'

'Yes! Dominic shagged Hanks's only child, his pride and glory.'

I whooped with glee. This was fantastic. 'What did Hanks do?'

'He went to the hotel, shouted and beat on the door until Dominic opened up and then he punched him right in the nose. You'll be very sorry to hear it's broken.'

'No!' I was loving every second of this.

Meredith laughed. 'Yes! And when Alex found out an hour ago, he called Dominic and shouted at him for twenty minutes, calling him every name in the book. His secretary said she'd never seen him so angry.'

'Is it terrible that I'm absolutely thrilled to hear this?'

'Hell, no. I barely know Dominic, but I can see he's a back-stabbing snake. I'm delighted he's got his comeuppance.'

'What an idiot.'

'These cocky, over-confident guys with their blue-blood background and sense of entitlement always mess up in the end,' Meredith assured me.

'And, boy, did he do it in style!' I laughed. 'I almost feel sorry for him.'

'But not quite.' She grinned. 'Anyway, how are you getting on apart from Dominic, who will no longer be a problem?'

'Better, thanks. At least Clara's sleeping now and being much easier. But the mistake I made with the purchase price really threw me. What if it had been something I hadn't been able to resolve? I pride myself on never missing anything, never taking short cuts, being thorough. But Clara was sick and I was running on empty.'

'Louise, you have to cut yourself some slack. You're doing fantastically well. No man would be able to juggle being a single dad, getting no sleep and working as a senior partner. We women are too hard on ourselves. If there's one thing I've learnt since having Hermione, it's that I can't control everything. I'm a control freak by nature I've had to be to get where I am so that has been a very difficult thing to accept. There are nights when she's up crying for hours. The next day I'm exhausted and have to be extra careful with whatever I'm doing. You have to learn to work around it, not fight against it. And I have a husband who shares getting up at night. It's so much harder for you. I think you're doing a marvellous job, so pat yourself on the back and be proud of your achievements.'

'Thanks, Meredith. That really does mean a lot. I've been feeling very unsure of myself lately, which is a completely alien emotion for me. I've always known exactly where I was going and what I was going to achieve next. I had yearly goals that I never failed to meet, and now sometimes it's just about all I can do to get through the day. I'm finding it hard to let go of my old life and embrace this new one. Having Clara has brought unpredictability and change into my life and it frightens me at times. I keep trying to get a handle on it and failing. I feel as if I'm being a bad mother because I spend very little time with her during the week, and I'm not doing my job as well as I'd like to.'

Meredith uncrossed her legs and stood up. 'I'm months ahead of you on the baby front and my best advice to you is not to let yourself feel guilty. It'll eat you up. Remind yourself every day that you're doing the best you can. I firmly believe that our daughters will appreciate the fact that we didn't give up careers we loved to stay at home. They're going to admire us, not blame us. So no more guilt, OK?'

'OK. Thanks for the advice, and the glorious gossip it's made my day, week and year!'

'Any time.' She grinned and left my office.

I sat down and spent a wonderful ten minutes picturing Dominic with a broken nose.

Just before I went home that night, Alex came to see me. He looked tired, distracted and cross. 'Dominic will be coming home early from New York. There has been a bit of a set-to, which I'd like to keep under wraps as it is of a personal nature. Suffice it to say that Dominic behaved appallingly and let me down very badly. You can hand his files back to him tomorrow. Thank you for keeping an eye on them. You've been very magnanimous about it. Goodnight.'

'Goodnight, Alex,' I said, forcing myself not to cheer.

I got home at seven that night, which was the earliest I'd been in weeks. Clara was in her Babygro, sitting on Agnes's knee. When she saw me, she smiled. I rushed over to pick her up. She nuzzled her head into my neck and I inhaled her scent talcum powder and milk. I closed my eyes. All of the day's stresses left me. There was just Clara. I held her tight.

'Baby loves Mummy. Mummy loves baby,' Agnes said, walking towards the door, smiling. 'This very good. You looking at baby now. You seeing baby now.'

'I always looked at her don't be silly.'

'But you not seeing her.' Agnes wagged a finger at me. 'Now you understanding what baby means. Now you understanding. I see in your face. I go now.'

I sat down and held Clara on my knee, facing me. I stared into her clear blue eyes. She was beautiful. She was perfect. I smiled at her and she waved her little hands about and grinned. A small flash of white caught my eye. I looked more closely. It was a tooth! An actual tooth! I turned to tell Agnes, but she was gone. I went to call Julie, but realized that my baby's tooth wouldn't be very important to her right now. I considered calling Sophie, then decided not to: she was dealing with a lot of stress. A tooth was not a big deal ... but it was to me. I called Mum instead.

'Well, that's wonderful,' she enthused. 'Sure she's a little dote. It was so nice to have a good go of her when she was home. She's so placid. You've got a gem there.'

'She's been so easy since the reflux medicine kicked in. She's so much more alert and her sweet nature is really coming through. She smiles all the time.'

'You can see she's a happy baby. Long may it last. Children are so easy at that age. It gets a lot more complicated as they get older. I never imagined I'd see Sophie homeless at thirty-eight.'

'She seems to be coping well, though.'

'She's been incredible. Her first few days in work have gone well. She's better off busy. When things are hard, having too much time on your hands isn't good for you. You don't need to think and analyse. You need to keep busy, keep your mind occupied. Otherwise you'll get depressed.'

'True, but then you can be too busy as well.' I sighed. 'Working and trying to be a mum is harder than I thought.'

'Louise, I've been telling you for years to slow down. You'll wear yourself out and, believe me, no one in that office will thank you for it. Your priority now is your baby.'

'Yes, Mum, but I also need to provide for her.'

'Well,' she sniffed, 'if the father was around, you'd have less pressure.'

'Not necessarily. Look at Sophie. Jack's completely dependent on her now.'

'That's true, but it's only temporary. He'll get a job soon, a bright lad like him.'

'It might take a while. It's tough out there.'

'Don't say that to me. I'm praying every day that he gets a job. And your brother needs one too. If he doesn't find something soon, your father's going to kill him.'

'I helped Gavin with his CV and he's sent it out to a lot of recruitment agencies. Something should come up. At least alternative energy and the climate-change crisis is a growth area. He's in the right field.'

'That's good to hear, but he needs a proper job in an office. I want him to stay away from those unhygienic tree-huggers. I can tell you, Louise, you never stop worrying about your children, no matter how old they are. By the way, have you been talking to Julie? She seems down in the dumps. I called her the other day and she sounded very fed-up.'

The last thing I needed was the third degree from Mum about Julie. 'I'm sure she was just tired. The boys are a handful.'

'That's true. They get more boisterous as they get older. The sooner they go off to primary school, the better. Poor Julie needs a break it hasn't been easy for her.'

'No, it hasn't. Well, I'd better go and put Clara down. Thanks for being enthusiastic about her tooth.'

'Call me any time she does anything. I'm a very proud grandmother.'

I hung up and went to put on my pyjamas. I took Clara into bed with me. We snuggled up and she drank her bottle while I finished off some emails. When she had finished, I held her up on my shoulder to burp her. She fell asleep, her left arm curled around my neck, her face snuggled into my shoulder. I watched her little body rise and fall as her breath caressed my neck.

My heart skipped a beat and I finally stopped fighting it. I stopped suppressing it. I stopped denying it. I stopped resisting it. I jumped off the cliff, feet first, and allowed unconditional love for my baby girl to sweep over me.

It was exhilarating and terrifying.

36.

Sophie.

After a couple of weeks it was obvious that I could book the models directly, without further training, so Quentin let me start earning commission earlier than anticipated. Some of the PR people I had worked with when I was modelling were still at the same companies and they remembered me, which was nice. It reminded me that I had been a person in my own right before I married Jack.

I had spent so much time and energy being the perfect wife that I had forgotten who I was. For six years I had focused on being Mrs Jack Wells. Now I was Sophie Devlin again. I had decided to use my maiden name for work, the same one I'd had as a model, and it felt great. I was me again. It was also nice to be busy. From nine until five I didn't have time to think about anything but work. All my worries about Jack, Jess and our situation were put aside for eight hours. I was busy, I was dedicated, and I worked my backside off.

The models seemed so young. They were gorgeous, and some were very sweet, but among them there were a few over-confident girls with an overblown sense of importance. Avril, who was one of the more successful models, was a nightmare. She was dating a soap star and clearly thought they were the Brangelina of Ireland. She turned up late for photo shoots, and the previous Thursday she had got drunk at the opening of a new nightclub she was there to promote. Instead of PR photos of her looking beautiful and having fun, there were tabloid shots of her staggering out of the door, with her dress undone and a nipple on view. The PR rep was not happy and refused to pay for her time. Quentin had freaked and wanted to get rid of Avril, but I told him to give her a break: I had seen girls like her when I was modelling. A little success went straight to their heads and they thought they were invincible. I felt she deserved a second chance. After all, we all make mistakes.