'Charming,' Harry commented.

'Did the plane crash?' Luke asked. 'Did everyone die?'

'Yeah, was there blood everywhere?' Liam oohed.

'No, boys, the plane didn't crash. If it had, I'd be dead and that would be sad, wouldn't it?'

'No, it wouldn't because Daddy's super-nice and he let us eat pizza and jellies today,' Luke gushed.

I tried not to feel hurt. 'Now, boys, listen to me. Are you listening? I want you to close your eyes and think really hard about the TV remote control. Focus on it. Where did you last see it? Think about what it looks like. Think about what you did today and remember where you put it. Are you closing your eyes?'

'Yes, they are,' Harry said.

'Concentrate, boys, I know you can do it,' I encouraged them, even though they had just wished me dead.

'I REMEMBER!' Liam shouted. 'It's in the dishwasher. I put it in because it was dirty.'

'Well done, you clever cat,' I praised him.

I could hear Harry fishing it out. 'Thank God it hasn't been washed,' he said. He put on the TV and the boys simmered down.

'That was very impressive persuasion,' my husband said.

'Thank you. So, how's it going?'

'Oh, you know, the usual. Luke kicked me in the nuts during a kung-fu exhibition we had earlier this afternoon. I almost cried with the pain I was bent double for twenty minutes.'

'No permanent damage, I hope?'

'I think they'll recover. Liam painted his name in your red nail varnish on our bedroom door.'

'Harry! You know you have to lock our bathroom door at all times. They always get my makeup and nail varnish out.'

'I was busy trying to get Leo out of the bloody bath, which he'd filled and climbed into fully clothed. It's a fucking circus here!'

'Tut tut! Mind your language, Harry.'

'MUMMY,' Luke shouted into the phone, 'Daddy said "fuck".'

'He's very bold. He won't do it again,' I assured my son.

'It's five past seven and I'm absolutely knackered,' Harry muttered. 'They never stop.'

'Welcome to my daily world,' I said, 'and you don't even have Tom to look after as well.'

'Any chance you fancy coming back from London early?'

'Hell will freeze over. This is the first time I've left the triplets in almost five years, and there is no way I'm coming home early. I'm going to cherish every moment of this trip because it'll be my last for probably another five years. Take them to the park tomorrow, and if it's raining, take them to the jungle gym. You need to tire them out more.'

'OK. How are you getting on? How's Louise?'

'I'm on my way to meet her now. We're all going for dinner.'

'Enjoy your nice relaxing dinner without children. I'll just stay here with the lunatics.'

'Can you hear the sympathy I feel for you over the phone?'

'Yes, it's deafening.'

'Right. Well, I'd better go. I don't want to be late for my pre-dinner drinks in the beautiful hotel bar.'

'You may come home to find the boys shackled to their beds.'

'Frankly, Harry, I really don't care what you do. For the next blissful forty-eight hours, it's not my problem. Ciao.' I hung up and smiled.

I was glad Harry was getting the full brunt of what it was like to look after the boys all day long. There was no harm in him being reminded of how hard it was. He'd appreciate my daily grind more now. I reapplied my lipstick and pressed the button for the lift.

I met my family in the hotel bar, which was very plush. I threw back a glass of white wine and ate almost a full bowl of peanuts before Mum pulled it away from me. Sophie drank a sparkling water and ate no peanuts. Mum drank a vodka and soda and kept saying it was a disgrace that her own daughter was refusing to let her see her grandchild being born, and Dad kept looking at his watch and saying we really should get a move on.

None of us wanted to be late for Louise, especially not on the day before she gave birth. At exactly seven thirty we walked into the French restaurant she had booked it was called, aptly enough, Les Trois Soeurs. She was sitting at the table waiting for us.

'Mother of God, you're enormous,' Dad said.

'Thanks a lot. That's just what I needed to hear,' Louise snapped.

'You'll feel so much better when the baby's out,' Sophie reassured her.

'Bring it on. I couldn't feel more gross. I can't look at myself in the mirror.' Louise shuddered.

I felt like that most days. I couldn't remember the last time I'd thought I looked good.

'Louise Devlin!' Mum scolded. 'That's a terrible thing to say. A baby is a blessing. You're not gross, you look radiant. Pregnancy suits you.'

She actually didn't look radiant: she looked tired and very fed-up.

'Where's Gavin?' Louise flipped open her menu impatiently.

'He went to meet Acorn,' Sophie said.

'Well, I'm not waiting. I want to order and get back early to finish off some emails.'

'But you've been working all day,' Mum said. 'You need to rest, Louise you're going to have a baby tomorrow.'

'I'm aware of that, Mum, but I have some last bits to finish off. I can rest while I'm typing.'

'You need mental as well as physical rest,' Mum remonstrated.

Dad took out his reading glasses. 'These prices are extortionate. Forty-two quid for a steak? Bloody ridiculous.'

'It's on me,' Louise announced.

'Don't be silly. I'm buying dinner,' Dad said.

'No, Dad, you've all come over to see me, so I'm paying.' Louise was firm.

'You're putting us up in a fancy hotel. I'll be getting the dinner,' Dad retorted.

'I've given them my credit card. It's fine.'

'I am paying for this meal, Louise.'

'No, I am.'

'This is non-negotiable.'

'Why don't you split the bill?' Sophie suggested.

They looked at each other and nodded. It was a compromise they were willing to accept. I could hear Dad muttering behind his menu: 'Twenty-seven quid for a crab salad is ludicrous.'

While they bickered, I tried to decide which delicious starter and main course to have. Everything sounded wonderful. The waiter came over and Dad obstinately ordered the cheapest starter, soup, and the cheapest main course, pumpkin risotto.

'But you don't like risotto,' Mum pointed out. 'Have the steak.'

'I refuse to pay that amount of money for a lump of meat,' he hissed.

'Suit yourself.' Mum turned her back on him and ordered the steak.

Louise ordered the walnut salad and the sea bass. Sophie opted for a side salad to start and the cod for her main course, but she made a big hullabaloo about wanting it steamed, not pan-fried, without any sauce 'Also, can you steam some broccoli florets for me? No oil or butter, please.'

'For goodness' sake, Sophie,' Louise snarled, 'what's the point of going out for dinner if you're going to ask for steamed fish and vegetables all the time? Just eat the sauce and go to the gym tomorrow.'

'I can't. I'm allergic to a lot of sauces.'

'Allergic to what, precisely?' Louise quizzed her.

Sophie shrugged. 'I don't know, but they make me feel queasy.'

'All sauces?' Mum asked.

'More or less,' Sophie said.

Louise looked at me and rolled her eyes.

I ordered foie gras to start, followed by the steak with bearnaise sauce and dauphinoise potatoes.

'Would you like to see the wine list?' our sommelier asked.

Dad opened it and scanned it. 'You must be joking,' he said. 'It starts at forty quid a bottle.'

'I would recommend the Chateau Certan-Marzelle Pomerol 2005. It's a very nice '

'Save your oxygen there, son. I have no intention of paying eighty-seven pounds for a bottle of wine. I don't care if the grapes were hand-picked by Napoleon Bonaparte himself. We'll be having the house wine, which at forty quid a pop is a total rip-off. And we'll have a jug of water none of your fancy bottled nonsense. Tap water is just fine.'

The sommelier scurried off.

'Did you have to be so rude?' Louise glared at Dad.

'I wasn't rude, I was honest.'

Thankfully, Gavin's arrival stopped the argument before it escalated. Louise was in a foul mood and Dad seemed determined to moan about the cost of the dinner all night.

Gavin flung himself into a chair. 'Sorry I'm late. Before you blow a fuse, Louise, I was getting laid, and for any twenty-three-year-old man, that is his top priority.'

'Gavin! Do you have to be so crude?' Mum complained.

'Sorry, Mum.' He grinned at her. 'I'm starving. What's on offer?' He opened his menu.

'You can have a glass of tap water and a bread roll.' I giggled.

'Dude, I'm starving. I need red meat.'

'I thought you only ate nuts and berries,' Dad reminded him.

'I tried the vegan diet, but I was hungry all the time. Some humans just need meat, and I'm one of them.'

'Does Acorn know about your carnivorous ways?' I asked, taking a large gulp of the house wine, which was lovely.

'No, she does not, and I'd like to keep it that way. She's a dedicated vegan.'

'Maybe I should become a vegan,' Sophie mused. 'It's very healthy.'

'Newsflash, Sophie. Eating food is good for you. You should try it some time,' Louise said.

'I do eat,' Sophie flashed back. 'I'm just careful about what I put into my mouth.'

'A bit too careful by the look of it,' Dad commented.

'Leave her alone, she's always been very slim.' Mum defended her youngest daughter. 'Now, Louise, have you got your hospital bag ready?'

'Come on, Mum, this is Louise we're talking about. She's probably had it packed since January.' I grinned at my sister.

'February the sixth, actually.' Louise smirked back.

'Did you remember to put in breast pads and big cotton sanitary pads for your pants?' Mum asked, in a loud whisper.

'Jesus, please!' Dad muttered.

'Seriously, Mum,' Gavin said, 'that is way too much information. I do not want to know about this stuff. I see women as sexual beings and I'm far too young to be disillusioned.'