The rain got heavier. Sophie put Jess's hat on, pulled her grey-suede jacket over her head and cursed. 'I suppose we'll just have to go back to my place until it stops. It can't last long.'

When we got to her front door, she ordered everyone, including me, to take our wet shoes off. She didn't want mud on her cream Italian marble tiles. I noticed she didn't take her own shoes off. She wiped them on the mat and led us into the kitchen. When we were all inside, she locked the door to the hall and the one to the pantry. The children were now contained in the kitchen and the playroom.

'Now, boys, I want you to play nicely with Jessica and don't be rough with her or her toys or I'll be very cross. OK?' Sophie said.

The boys seemed a bit frightened. 'OK.'

'Promise?'

'We promise.'

'All right. Now off you go and play.'

'Can we have a treat?' Leo asked.

'No. Treats make you hyper. Just go and play,' Sophie told him.

'If you're good, I'll get you a treat on the way home,' I promised him.

'Can we have Maltesers?' Luke asked.

'Maybe.'

'Can we have Rolos?' Leo asked.

'We'll see.'

'I want crisps,' Liam told me.

'Fine. Just go and play and we'll talk about it later.'

'You're not really going to give them all that junk, are you?' Sophie asked.

I shrugged. 'I know you're into all your organic stuff, but sweets are the only bribe that works for me, so don't give me a hard time about it.'

'You're just making more trouble for yourself. Sugary foods make them even harder to manage. You should reward them with unsalted popcorn or yoghurt-covered rice cakes.'

'Jessica is a saint. I can't believe those are her treats. The boys would freak if I gave them rice cakes.'

'I've never offered her sweets, so she doesn't ask for them.'

'Well, she's obviously got her mother's self-control.'

'I hope so. Latte?' Sophie asked.

'Love one.'

'Skimmed milk OK?'

'Sure.' I didn't like lattes with skimmed milk, but Sophie thought full-fat milk was the devil's juice.

The kitchen was like something you'd see in a magazine. There was nothing on the surfaces. No post, newspapers, socks, toys, bottles, beakers, vitamin jars, crumbs, half-eaten crackers ... The only things you could see were a state-of-the-art kettle and a coffee machine.

'I'm thirsty,' Luke said, as they all trooped back into the kitchen.

'Ask Sophie nicely for a drink,' I told him.

'Auntie Sophie, can I have a drink?' he asked.

'I've got goat's milk or water.'

'Yuck.'

'Do you have any apple juice?' I asked.

She shook her head. 'It's full of sugar and rots kids' teeth.'

'Smoothies?' I tried.

'God, no, they're just as bad. Fruit juice is full of sugar. You shouldn't let the boys drink it.'

'I hate water,' Luke grumbled.

'Have some milk,' I said, pouring him a glass of organic goat's milk.

'I don't like this it tastes weird.' He put down the glass.

'I'm thirsty,' Leo said.

'Milk or water,' I said.

'The milk is yucky,' Luke assured him.

'I don't want yucky milk or water. I want juice.'

'Juice is bad for your teeth,' Jessica explained to her cousin, as she sipped her goat's milk. 'Do you want to have yellow teeth that fall out? No. Well, you mustn't drink any juice.'

The triplets began to chase each other around the kitchen. Sophie ordered them to stop and ushered them back into the playroom, which was a shrine to princesses. Everything in it was pink and sparkly. I could hear the boys bashing around, giving out that the toys were only for girls. Tom, meanwhile, sat on the floor happily chewing my handbag strap. Jessica finished her milk and gingerly went to see what chaos her cousins were creating in her beautiful playroom.

'Do you have any biscuits?' I asked my sister. 'I'm starving. I didn't have a chance to eat lunch.'

'Come on, Julie, you know I never have chocolate or biscuits in the house.'

'I thought Jack might have a secret stash somewhere.'

'Nope. I have hummus and carrot sticks, no-fat yoghurt, apples or blueberries. Or some pumpkin-seed bread.'

'No wonder you're so thin there's nothing to eat here. Can I at least have some sugar for my latte?'

'I only have Sucralose. It's zero calorie.'

'Fine.' I put two large spoonfuls into my watery latte, while Sophie sprinkled a few grains into hers. 'Did I tell you I met Gavin's new girlfriend, Acorn?'

'No! What's she like? Does she really look like Angelina Jolie?'

'Better.'

'Wow. Is she thin?'

'Stick. And she has great boobs. Harry spent the whole morning staring at them.'

'I wish I had bigger boobs,' Sophie admitted.

'The ones you've got look good in that top.'

'Only because I'm wearing a push-up bra with those silicone inserts.'

'I wish mine were smaller. I keep thinking they'll shrink when I lose weight.'

'Jack's a boob man I think he'd like it if mine were bigger.'

'Maybe if you ate something they'd grow.'

'There's no way I'm putting on weight. I might get a boob job when I'm forty.'

'For my fortieth, I'd like a face-lift, boob reduction, liposuction, a tummy tuck and for Super Nanny to move in with me.'

'It's only a few months away now. Are you and Harry going to do something special to celebrate?'

'He's promised to take me to Paris. I honestly cannot wait.'

'Who's going to look after the boys?' Sophie pointedly didn't offer.

'Marian said she'd take the triplets and I'm going to ask Mum and Dad to have Tom.'

Sophie looked relieved. She was obviously worried I'd planned to ask her. I smiled at the idea of the triplets moving in with Sophie and Jack for a weekend of Evian and rice cakes.

'It'll be great for you to get away. You deserve a break.' Sophie sipped her coffee.

'We actually haven't been away on our own in five years.'

'God, is it really that long?' She was genuinely shocked.

'Yes. We definitely need it.'

'I can give you a list of really cool restaurants and places to shop.'

'Great.' I knew that Sophie's recommendations would be really expensive Michelin-starred restaurants and designer boutiques. Harry and I would be on a tight budget. I just wanted to eat in local cafes and drink carafes of wine. I had no interest in shopping; French women were unnaturally thin. They invented the word petite, for goodness' sake. Regardless of how many no-fat yoghurts I ate, petite was never going to apply to me.

'There's an amazing little boutique just off rue St-Honore ' Sophie stopped mid-sentence as Jess rushed over to her, tears streaming down her face. Shit!

'Mummy, the boys are breaking all my toys,' she bawled.

I ran into the playroom, hoping to hide some of the damage before Sophie saw it. But they weren't there. They were in the utility room, staring at the washing-machine, which was making very strange noises as soapy water gushed all over the floor.

'I'm going to kill you,' I hissed, as my socks sloshed about in the water. Sophie came rushing in behind me.

'Aargh!' She backed out in her now soggy suede boots.

'What the hell have you done?' I asked, turning the washing-machine off before it flooded the house.

'We wanted to wash Jess's tea set and her dolls, so we put them in the washing-machine.'

Sophie came back, barefoot. 'Jesus Christ! Look at this mess. They've broken the bloody washing-machine. It's top-of-the-range I had it imported from Germany. This is why I never want your kids in my house they break everything. They're completely out of control.'

'Look, I'm sorry about the machine, but I can't watch them every second of the day.'

'And my floor is ruined and my boots are wrecked and it's just a bloody mess. They're wild.'

'No, they aren't. They're just curious and lively. Boys need to be running and climbing and exploring.'

'Not in my house, they don't. They can do it somewhere else. They're never coming here again.'

'Jesus, Sophie, calm down, it's just a bit of water. I'll mop it up.'

'Don't tell me to calm down. It's an inch of water, my daughter's china tea set is broken, most of her dolls have lost limbs and the washing-machine is banjaxed.'

'I'll pay for the bloody washing-machine and I'll get Jess a new tea set.'

'Your children have no respect for other people's property. They're just like you.'

'What the hell is that supposed to mean?'

'Come on, Julie, you were always borrowing my clothes and losing them, or bringing them home torn or with cigarette burns in them. You've no regard for other people's stuff and neither do your kids.'

'Actually, Sophie, I borrowed Louise's clothes. I never borrowed yours because I could never get close to them. You always locked your bedroom door.'

'What about my cream suede jacket that you borrowed and gave back to me covered in red wine stains?'

'Are you still banging on about that?'

'It cost me four months' wages. I'd only worn it once.'

'It happened fifteen years ago get over it! You're a selfish cow.'

'I am not selfish. I care about how I look and like to have a clean and tidy house but that does not make me a cow.'

'Your house is like a bloody museum. I'm afraid to sit down in case I get a tiny speck of dust on something. You need to lighten up, Sophie.'