"You didn't," he said. "I understand that you thought you should bring a woman. By the way, your teacher was very smart about something today."

"She was?"

"Yes. She knows that I have to be both a mother and a father to you."

"I know that, too," I said.

"And I know that you feel sad sometimes that you don't have a mother," he added.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"For what?" he asked.

"That I gave my invitation to Mimi instead of you."

"I know," he said softly.

By then we'd pulled into the driveway. My dad suggested we sit in the backyard for awhile. "I'm never home at this time of day during the week," he said. "I want to enjoy it." He loosened his tie and took off his suit jacket.

I sat on my swing and he pulled the lounge chair over so he'd be near me. I knew he wanted to talk some more. "You never talk about not having a mother," he said. I could see he was sad thinking about my mother. I tried with all my might to keep from crying. I didn't want to make him any sadder. "But I know it must be difficult for you," he continued.

I dug my patent leather toe in the sand. I didn't even care that I was getting my best shoes dirty. My dad was right. It was hard not having a mother like everybody else.

"Mary Anne," my father said, "you should have told me everything about the problem you were having with the tea party. Then I could have helped you understand that it was okay for me to be your guest. I even would have spoken to Mrs. Frederickson about it."

"Everybody laughed when I said I was bringing my dad to a Mother's Day tea party," I told him.

"I bet most, of those kids don't even know that you don't have a mother. If they did they wouldn't have laughed."

I remember that Kristy had to explain it to Alan Gray. "Maybe not," I agreed.

Just then Claudia came running into our yard. "Want to play?" she called out. "Mimi said it's okay. Kristy can come to my house, too."

"Since I'm home, why don't you girls play here?" my dad suggested. "Tell Mimi and Mrs. Thomas that I'll keep an eye on you." He smiled at me. "I'll even make you my famous spaghetti and meatball dinner."

"Oh, wow," said Claudia. "I'll ask Mimi."

"Can I go with Claudia?" I asked my dad. He said yes. Claudia and I held hands and ran toward her house." We have to tell Kristy, too," she said.

"You go ask Kristy," I suggested, "and I'll ask Mimi for you." Claudia agreed and we split up.

I entered the Kishis' kitchen. Mimi wasn't there. I went into the living room. Not there either. Was she mad at me? Was she hiding because she didn't want to talk to me?

"Well, there's our Mary Anne," I heard Mimi say. She was coming down the stairs into the living room.

"Can Claudia play at my house and stay for a spaghetti dinner?" I asked. "My dad's home and he invited her and Kristy."

"I think that's a fine idea," Mimi answered. She sat in her rocker. "I don't think you had a very nice time at the tea party today, Mary Anne," she said.

"I'm sorry I invited two people," I replied. The tears I'd been holding back all afternoon began to flow.

Mimi motioned for me to come to her. She took a tissue from her ap.r.o.n pocket and patted my wet cheeks with them. "It was not the big problem for me that it was for you," she said. "So don't you worry for a minute about Mimi." She opened her arms and wrapped me in a big Mimi hug. I leaned against her and took a deep breath of her special flower smell. Then she told me that she was still honored that I invited her to the tea party and that anytime there was a function at school that my dad couldn't attend, she would be happy to fill in for him.

I wondered if all mothers and grandmothers had a special smell. Then I wondered what my mother's smell would have been like, which made me wonder if my dad had a special smell.

"I have to go home now," I told Mimi.

My father was in the kitchen. I was glad that Kristy and Claudia weren't there yet. He'd changed into his jeans and a T-shirt and was already organizing the ingredients for his spaghetti sauce.

"Where are your pals?" he asked.

"They're coming," I said.

He smiled at me. "How are you doing? Do you feel better now?"

I nodded and asked, "Daddy, can I have a hug?"

My father smiled and lifted me up into his arms. I put my arms around his neck and took in a deep breath through my nose. Yes, my dad did have a special smell. I'd have known it anywhere. It wasn't flowers, but it was spicy and fresh and it was my dad's smell. "I love you, Daddy," I whispered in his ear.

"I love you, too," my dad whispered back. "More than life itself."

Chapter 4.

I wasn't looking forward to summer vacation half as much as Kristy and Claudia were.

"Just think," Kristy said. "In just two days we can play ball all day long."

"And draw whenever we want. It'll be wonderful!" Claudia shouted. She stretched out her arms and danced in big circles around her backyard, singing, "We'll be free. We'll be free."

"I'm going to practice softball every day," vowed Kristy. She threw a small rubber ball to me. I fumbled it, picked it up,and tossed it back to her. Kristy stretched to her right and managed to catch my off-the-mark throw."I just wish I didn't have to go to that dumb old cla.s.s," she grumbled.

Claudia dropped her arms and ran to Kristy. "What dumb old cla.s.s?" she asked.

"At the Y," answered Kristy. "It's like a day camp, but it's only in the morning and they have cla.s.ses in different stuff." - - "Cla.s.ses like reading and math?" I asked. I was thinking I might enjoy a day camp like that. - "They're called cla.s.ses, but it's not school," Kristy said. "It's fun stuff like swimming and softball."

"That'd be okay," Claudia said enthusiastically.

But Kristy was still frowning. "My mom signed me up too late for the good cla.s.ses," she said. "There wasn't any more room in swimming or tennis." She threw the ball against the garage and caught it on the bounce. "The only cla.s.s that had room was ballet."

"Ballet!" exclaimed Claudia. "With tutus and everything?"

"I forgot about tutus," said Kristy with a grimace. "If it's ballet I guess we'll have to wear them."

"Oh, boy, dancing and pink tutus!" Claudia shouted happily. "Come on." She grabbed Kristy's hand. "Let's ask Mimi if I can take ballet, too."

Kristy cheered up a little. But I was feeling down. If Kristy and Claudia went to the Y every day, who would I play with?

Kristy seemed to read my mind. "Mary Anne, you can take ballet, too," she said. "If the three of us do it, maybe we'll have fun."

I tried to imagine myself doing ballet all morning, every day. I wasn't like Claudia, who loved to dance around and look in the mirror. Or like Kristy, who was athletic and enjoyed exercising. I liked to watch other people dance and do sports, but I didn't enjoy doing them myself. I wished again that school wouldn't end.

We found Mimi in the kitchen. Kristy and Claudia told her all about the ballet cla.s.s. "I believe ballet cla.s.s would be a good thing for you, my Claudia," Mimi said. "We'll talk about it with your parents when they come home." She smiled at me. "Are you going to ballet cla.s.s, Mary Anne?"

"I don't know," I replied.

Mimi gave us each a gla.s.s of apple juice and two chocolate chip cookies. She told me," Mary Anne, your sitter called. As soon as you finish your snack you should go home. All right?"

"Okay," I said.

We took our snacks out to the backyard and sat around the picnic table. I was feeling glum.

"Ask your dad if you can take ballet, - too," Claudia urged me.

"I don't like to dance," I explained.

"If you don't do it with us you'll be alone with one of your awful baby-sitters," warned Claudia.

Kristy looked thoughtful. "Someday we can be baby-sitters," she said.

"And we'll be good baby-sitters," added Claudia.

"The best," agreed Kristy.

I did have a pretty pathetic series of sitters that year. Some of my sitters were so bad that my dad had to fire them. And every one of them was boring, boring, boring. For example, Mrs. Manson talked about her grandchildren all the time. They sounded as boring as she was. She also drank a lot of beer on the job. That's why my dad fired her.

Mrs. Manson was replaced by my current sitter, Mrs. Cuddy. Mrs. "Cruddy," as Kristy called her, watched TV game shows and soap operas all the time. And she was always asking me to do things for her, such as make a snack or answer the phone - which mostly rang for her. When I'd ask Mrs. Cuddy if I could play at Kristy's, she'd say, "But who will keep me company?" as if I were taking care of her.

But even the prospect of being with Mrs. Cuddy all day was better than going to ballet cla.s.s. - I decided not to mention the ballet cla.s.s at the Y to my dad. And I didn't.

But that evening, soon after my dad came home, Kristy's mother phOned him. She must have asked him what he was doing for sitters during the summer, because he said, "Mrs. Cuddy may be able to extend her hours. Otherwise I'll have to find someone else for the mornings." Then I heard my dad say, "Ballet? If you're sure that you and Mimi don't mind doing the carpooling back and forth, I don't see why Mary Anne couldn't do it. I would love for her to take ballet." After he hung up the phone he told me, "I'm going to sign you up for the ballet cla.s.s that Kristy and Claudia are taking at the Y."

"But, Dad," I protested. "I don't know how to do ballet."

"That's the whole point of the cla.s.s," he said. "To learn ballet. It's a beginners' cla.s.s, so none of the kids will know ballet. I thought you'd be happy. Kristy and Claudia are going."

"I know," I said. "But I don't like to dance."

"That's why it'll be good for you," he said. That night, when my dad kissed me good night, he said, "I think ballet cla.s.s will help you overcome some of yOur shyness, Mary Anne. I bet you'll love it."

I thought, if ballet can help me over my shyness, I should do it. And I did like the idea of wearing one of those pink tutus. I closed my eyes and imagined a little girl in a tutu gracefully leaping and turning across a stage. But I couldn't believe that little girl could be me. - On the last day of school Mimi picked us up. She was bringing the three of us to a special store at the mall to buy the outfits we needed -for our ballet cla.s.s. Claudia was still enthusiastic about dancing. And Kristy had decided that ballet cla.s.s wouldn't be so bad after all. "A lot of great athletes take ballet cla.s.ses," she told me. "Ballet helps athletes develop their balance and precision."

We walked across the mall to a store called Dancer's World. Kristy surveyed the window with its ballet slippers, tap shoes, and sequined leotards. "I just wish we could wear our own clothes," she said. "I play ball in jeans and a T-shirt. Why can't I dance in them?"

The only thing I liked about taking ballet was wearing a tutu. And there in the window, lying in a cloud of pink puff, was a tutu that looked just my size.

Claudia noticed it, too. "Wow," she breathed. "It's really pretty." - We followed Mimi into the -store and were met by a young woman who asked, "May I help you?"

"We would like three tutus," Claudia piped up. "Like the one in the window."

The young woman looked at Mimi to see if our order was correct.

Instead- of saying, "Yes, three tutus, please," Mimi said, "The girls are attending the beginners' ballet cla.s.s at the YMCA. We were told that the staff at Dancer's World knows the regulation dance outfit. That we'd find everything we need here."

The clerk smiled at us. "You'll be in Madame Minoff's beginners' cla.s.s," she said. "So you need black, cap-sleeved leotards, pink tights, and pink ballet slippers." She indicated a row of white chairs. "Sit here, girls, and I'll measure your feet."

"Don't we need tutus?" asked Claudia.

"Madame Minoff is very strict about cla.s.s dress," explained the clerk. "If you wore a tutu, you'd be starting her cla.s.s on the wrong foot and you'd certainly have to take the tutu off. And be sure to pull your hair back off your face for cla.s.s."

Claudia was disappointed about not wearing, a tutu. But she thought the pink ballet slippers were the best, and she was still excited about learning how to dance. And Kristy, who was relieved that we wouldn't be wearing tutus, was still happy that taking ballet would help her in sports~ Especially when the clerk said she personally knew two football players and one tennis player who studied ballet.

But for me, no tutu meant that I had no reason to look forward to ballet cla.s.s. All I had to look forward to was being embarra.s.sed in front of a lot of kids, and a strict teacher named Madame Minoff.

When I entered the kitchen Monday morning I found my father humming a cheerful, fast-paced melody. He was scrambling eggs to the tempo. "Do you know what I was humming?" he asked as he poured the eggs into the frying pan-.

"No," I replied.

"It's the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy from the famous ballet The Nutcracker," he explained.

The smell of cooking eggs was making me nauseous. My stomach always gets queasy when I'm nervous. And Monday morning I was very nervous. It was the first day of ballet cla.s.s and I didn't know what to expect or what was expected of me.

"I'm not very hungry," I told my dad.

"A good breakfast is just what you need," he said. "Best way to start the day." He put a plate of eggs and toast in front of me. "I'm so pleased you're taking this ballet cla.s.s. It really helps with our summer baby-sitting situation, and you'll be doing something that's interesting and fun."

Interesting and fun? I doubted it.

An hour later I was gathered in a big studio with nineteen other little girls dressed in pink-and black. A teenager named Charlene, who said she was the a.s.sistant dance instructor, organized us in a long line, one behind the other, along a barre in front of a mirror.

A poster under the clock announced our schedule and the cla.s.s rules.

SUMMER BALLET PROGRAM-BEGINNERS.

9:00-10:00 Ballet Cla.s.s 10:00-10:15 Snack 10:15-11:15 Befit .~tory and Video Hour 11:15-12:00 Ballet Cla.s.s RULES:.

* Students must wear regulation dancewear to all cla.s.ses.

* Hair must be held back from face.

* No gum chewing.

* No visiting during cla.s.s.