She bit her lip, then headed toward the door. He fell in right, behind her, and just as she reached the doorway, he lifted onej hand and hit the wall switch, shutting off the light. The other arm he threw around her waist, hauling her up against him, her back 165.

to his chest. She squeaked in surprise, then laughed deep in her throat.

"Jesse! What are you doing?"

"Giving you what you want," he said huskily, letting his f breath gust against her ear, "what we both want."

Her head fell back against his shoulder, her hands reaching back for him, his name a sigh of delight on her lips. He was hard in an instant. He let his hand sweep down to splay across her belly, pressing her against him, feeling her gently rounded softness against his palm, the delicate jut of her pelvic bones against his fingertips. He ground against her hips, unbearably aroused by , their firm mounds. He closed his eyes, nuzzling the gentle hollow of her temple, and forced out the words.

"I give up. I-I tried to do what was right, but I just can't resist any longer. I want you."

"Oh, Jesse!"

She turned in his arms, hugging him. He tightened his embrace and lifted her. Laughing, she kicked up one leg and held on. He couldn't help laughing with her as he carried her to the counter and set her atop it. Pushing between her legs, he let his hands wander over her back and shoulders, up the elegant column of her throat and downward again, skimming over her b.r.e.a.s.t.s and dropping to her thighs. "I can't wait to get inside you," he said. "I know you're tight and wet. You'll feel so good."

She gasped a little in shock. "Jesse!"

He wanted to kiss her but wasn't sure he dared. This was tricky enough. He knew that playing with fire meant getting his fingers burned, but he wasn't willing to scorch anything else if he could help it. He laid his forehead against hers and pushed up the hem of her skirt, such as it was. His voice was hoa.r.s.e even to his own ears as he said, "I don't know why I waited so long. We'll have to be careful, of course. I don't want my parents to know. We'll ase your room. Everyone should be settled down soon."

She had stiffened when he'd mentioned his parents, but he felt her relax again. Maybe he wasn't making himself clear enough. He was deciding what to say next when she lifted her hands to his face and kissed him. If that public New Year's kiss had been this one was molten. She'd turned on the blast furnace for 166.

ifff this one. Sliding to the very edge of the counter, which effectively left the hem of her skirt around her waist, she wrapped those long i legs around him, raking his thighs lightly with those d.a.m.nably s.e.xy heels as she pressed her hot core against him and seduced his mouth with her own. When she reached around him and! grabbed his b.u.t.tocks with her hands, he cried out in mingled shock and arousal, instinctively rocking against her. He had to place his own'hands flat on the countertop to keep from overbal-! anting and toppling her backward, possibly cracking her skull against the edge of the overhead cabinet. Not that she seemed the least bit worried.

She was all over him, practically eating him up. Another minute ; and she'd have him pumping into her. What the h.e.l.l had he gotten himself into? Conversely, he was aware of a burgeoning sense of disappointment. He really hadn't believed she'd go for it. Maybe he was right to think she hadn't quite got the idea yet. He wrenched back, breaking the kiss but not the hold of those legs. She leaned back slightly, balancing her weight on the palms of her hands, arms braced against the countertop.

"What is it, Jesse?" she asked breathlessly. "Change your mind?"

"Uh, no. I, um, just thought we ought to settle the details first."

"What details?"

He settled his hands at her waist and swallowed a surprising lump in his throat. "I-I'm just wondering if m-mutual satisfaction is enough or, um, if we should maybe renegotiate your pay."

With only the dim light from the doorway laying a lopsided rectangle across the table on the other side of the room, he couldn't read her expression, but there could be no doubt what she was about when she reached down, grasped the bottom of her sweater and peeled it up and off over her head. The air left Jesse's lungs in a painful whoosh as he took in the soft glow of her pale skin against the black shadow of her demibra. His bands slid up her slim torso of their own accord. She reached for him, threading her arms about his neck and lifting herself upward to rub those delicious b.r.e.a.s.t.s against him. He found his hands at the clasp of her bra as she breathed hot, openmouthed kisses against bis throat *

land chin, across his cheek, rough now with several hours' growth [of beard, to his ear.

"Mutual satisfaction was enough for Nancy, wasn't it?" she He froze. Nancy? Seconds ticked by before the name slid into t place. Nancy! It hit him then that Caroline was equating herself rilh Nancy, putting herself in Nancy's place. He was shaking her pefore he remembered that it was not part of the plan. "You stupid little-"

Those legs dropped, and suddenly she pushed him away. He stumbled backward, terribly aware that he'd somehow lost control of this particularly ugly little game and d.a.m.ned mad. How dare tsbe lower herself to Nancy's level? Her sweater flicked against I him as she swept it off the counter and strode across the room. The light flashed on, and she rounded on him. "I'm not the idiot here!"

He gaped at her. She spilled out of that bra, her b.r.e.a.s.t.s bare ^almost to the nipples. "Put your d.a.m.ned sweater on!" he ordered. S Instead she threw it on the floor! "What the h.e.l.l do you think s you're doing?"

"Calling your bluff! Did you really think I'd fall for that pa-thetic act? Of all the asinine, ignorant loobies!" Tendrils of her hair had come down, and she shoved them out of her face, seeth- ing.

All of a sudden he felt like a looby, whatever that was. "Car-roline, I was only trying to point out-"

"Give me some credit, will you? Do you honestly think I'd set -my heart on some rutting stud? I could get laid on any street fcorner in America! But that's not what I'm after and you know I it! Just for the record, though, I want it all, love, marriage, home, Ifiunily, everything, and I want it with you!"

His heart, traitorous deformity that it was, leaped inside his How did she do it? How did she manage to all but reduce t to tears while standing there on those ridiculous high heels, fPfeearing that little rumpled skirt and the most erotically con-bra, her pale hair falling about her face, chest heaving anger? Very justifiable anger. G.o.d, what he wouldn't give to throw his arms around her and sweep her off her feet just as im 168.

she wanted and deserved, but he knew that he was not the man for it. If only he could make her understand that.

' 'Caroline, sweetheart, no matter what either one of us wants, I'm just not what you think I am. I'm not who you need. I'm-"

"Yes, you are!" she insisted. "You're everything I want and need, and somehow I've always known it. What I don't understand is why you can't see that I'm as good for you as you are for me!"

He couldn't believe she'd said that. "Caroline, you're everything any man in his right mind could want, but-just for starters-you're too young for me and-" She threw up her arms, rolled her eyes and spun away. He caught her by the shoulders and turned her back. "All right, then, I'm too old for you."

"Stop it!"

He closed his eyes and tightened his hold on her, resisting both the urge to shake her and the very real need to pull her against him, when what he really needed to do was to make her understand. But how was he to do that?

She shrugged and knocked his hands away, demanding, ' 'Is it Kay?"

He nearly fell over. Kay! Well, why not? Every secret had its day, after all. He took a deep breath. "Yes. It's Kay, more or less."

She wrapped her arms around her middle, seeming deflated and, for the first time, a little self-conscious. He bent and snagged her sweater, handing it to her. She took it and pulled it on over her head.

"Kay is dead," she said softly, almost defensively.

"Yes," he said.

"But you're still in love with her," she accused glumly.

He knew he could let her think that. He should let her think that, but suddenly he wanted very much to tell someone, to tell her, the truth. He rubbed a hand over his face, thinking twice about what he was going to say, but then he just said it. "I was never in love with her."

She looked every bit as shocked as he expected her to look, as anyone who knew him would look. "But you married herj"

"Yes."

r "Why?" * - ; He licked his lips, searching for the words. "I thought what I :': felt for her would be enough, that it would grow with time, e change into everything it should be."

;: She was astounded. He could see it in her face. "But, Jesse..."

He nodded. "I know. I'm not sure I can explain it, but I did ; love her. She was as precious to me as my very own life, but it wasn' t... It was never what it ought to have been, what she needed it to be." He flapped his arms helplessly. "It was perfect. We were perfect for each other. We grew up together, you know. Her parents used to live not far from here. Kay and Rye and I were : the Three Musketeers of the Wagner Ranch, playmates, buddies, as close as any three people could be. When I got out of college, I wanted to be married. I really did. It was the next step."

"And Kay was there waiting for you," she surmised correctly. ? "It was perfect," he said again. "We had so much fun together." He shook his head, remembering. "She had the most : adventurous sense of humor. She just loved everything about r life."

f. Caroline cleared her throat and asked softly, "What went - wrong?"

He shook his head. ' 'Nothing. Everything. I knew on our wed-; ding night that I'd made a mistake, but I just couldn't walk out on her, call it off. Wasn't fair." "What'd you do?"

"My dead-level best," he said, his voice shaking. "What happened?" "Nothing." "I don't understand."

He sighed. "I know you don't. She didn't. I didn't, either.

But... I couldn't touch her, couldn't..." He gulped, closed his ' eyes, opened them again, but he couldn't look at her.' 'Even when I finally managed it... Well, let's just say that it was always less I than satisfactory for both of us."

For a long moment she said nothing, but men she stepped forward and lifted a hand toward him. He recoiled, ashamed and, j yes, afraid. "It isn't like that for us. You know it isn't."

"Of course not," he said. "You're forbidden fruit. So was she.

171.

Finally she turned around and walked out of the room, a last wave of her hand in his direction. He waited until he knew that she was well out of reach before he slowly followed, alone. Al-t ways alone.

170.

Until I married her." Caroline gasped. He didn't blame her. "Pretty sick, isn't it?"

She shook her head. "It's not that. You just mistook one kind of love for another."

"Did I?" he asked brutally. "It's true that we weren't all over each other all the time, but I had too much respect for her and her family and mine to push anything. I just tried not to think about it, but the antic.i.p.ation was there, had been for a long time. Believe me, I had a real active fantasy life going with just about every female that crossed my path. But with my wife..." He didn't think it necessary to say anything more. He'd revealed enough of the awful truth about himself. He took another deep breath. "She was dying by inches even before that last night," he said quickly. "I tried, but it just wasn't any use, and I think that night she finally came to accept that I would never be what she needed, what she wanted. If she hadn't taken off her shoes to skip through the rain puddles-" he coughed away the lump hi his throat and finished "-we would have divorced."

"But instead she died," Caroline said softly.

He nodded bitterly. "I ruined her life, and then, before she even had a chance to fix it, she was gone."

"And you were trapped with a load of guilt you don't deserve."

Jesse looked up sharply. "No. I was trapped with a load of guilt I very much deserve, and believe me, it's heavy enough to keep me from ever making the same mistake again. Now go to bed, Caroline, before I'm tempted to take what I'm not ent.i.tled to and build that load even higher."

She made an aborted effort to touch him again, then backed away. He saw the mingled regret and dismay and heartache that she hugged so tightly to herself, and he shared it, but mat was all they could ever share. She had to understand that now. Like Kay, she deserved more than he could give her, and he wouldn't let her settle for less than she deserved. She was young, after all. She still had a chance to make her dreams come true. With someone else.

Chapter Eleven.

Rye clasped his father's hand and pounded him on the back. "You made the right decision, Dad. Mom needs you to help her deal with this."

Haney nodded, but his expression said that he remained, unconvinced. Rye turned away, giving Jesse his full attention.

"Well, big brother, guess this is it."

"Guess so."

"It's been a good visit."

"It has."

Together they strolled toward Rye's double-cab pickup truck, their boots crunching on the packed snow.

"When you get a chance," Rye said, "come down to New Mexico and we'll show you a real ranch."

"Yeah, right. Lucky for you I won't be going anywhere anytime soon, not with Dad taking Mom to Denver."

"It's for the best, Jesse," Rye said, serious now.

Jesse sighed inwardly and agreed as lightly as he could manage.

"I know." Rye chuckled and shook his head, not fooled in the least, j 173.

"Staying home alone with a sweetheart like Caroline isn't exactly a fate worse than death, old son."

"She's not my sweetheart."

"Not 'cause she doesn't wanna be."

"It's not that, simple," Jesse snapped. . "You forget where everything goes?"

"d.a.m.n it, Rye!" Jesse hissed, coming to a halt. "She's not like that!"

"Not like what?" Rye retorted innocently.

Jesse yanked the front sides of his coat together, strangling the heavy, sheepskin-lined, plaid wool, and cast a careful look over one shoulder, checking to be absolutely certain that no one else was close enough to hear. The women were chatting together animatedly in the shelter of the porch, as though it wasn't eighteen degrees on this bitterly cold morning, while Haney stood by, huddling inside his coat. "Caroline's not fooling around," Jesse said, keeping his voice low. "She wants to get married."

"And?"

Jesse's mouth dropped open. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Rye shrugged. "Nothing. Just..."

Jesse clamped his mouth together, knowing he wasn't going to like this. "Just what?"

Rye cleared his throat. "Don't you think it's time? Life eventually has to go on, Jess."

"My life's not on hold!"

"I'd like to see you happy."

"I'm happy!"

"I mean really happy," Rye went on stubbornly, "like me."

Jesse rolled his eyes. "You and Kara are in love."

"And you feel nothing for Caroline?"

Jesse clamped down on the roar trying to burst out of his chest. "It's not what you obviously feel for Kara," he said with some difficulty. "I'm not like you, Rye. I never have been." "True," Rye admitted with a smirk. "While I was out getting every skirt I could find, you were running the home farm." . ;"Yoit were just sowing your wild oats," Jesse mumbled. To his surprise, Rye clamped a hand down on his shoulder.

"'When did you sow yours, Jess? Never mind, I know the an- 174.

175.