I snagged the half-full carton cigarettes he had sitting on the breakfast bar that divided the kitchen from the living room and waved the box at him over my shoulder.

"I told you that you needed to quit. Stop acting like a spoiled brat. Yes, people you love being dishonest sucks, but you're an adult now, so deal with it accordingly. You said your uncle took you in, believed in you, taught you a craft you clearly love, so focus on all that he did do and not what he didn't do because you don't know how much longer you might have with him. Man up, Nash. It's how we deal with the things that hurt us most that defines us."

I pulled the door open just as the pizza guy was getting ready to pound again and slipped around him. I heard a shuffle of bodies, male voices muttering to each other, and I was almost out the security door when I heard the neighbor's sultry voice float across the hall.

"Honey, if you're gonna have this much traffic on a daily basis, you need to invest in a doorbell."

I paused just long enough to look over my shoulder. Both Nash and the pizza guy were staring at her in all her toned and glorious beauty. I rolled my eyes at the obvious display. Nash flicked his gaze in my direction and then back at the beauty queen.

"Who are you, exactly?" He sounded less dis...o...b..bulated, less scattered.

"I'm your new neighbor."

I heard him chuckle and it made me grind my teeth together as I pushed through the door.

"Welcome to the neighborhood." I didn't need to see him to know he was grinning at her, and that she was probably spellbound by all that dusky skin and ink barely concealed by his boxers.

It shouldn't twist my guts up. It shouldn't make me want to pull all of her fabulous auburn hair from her head and knee Nash in the b.a.l.l.s so hard his future grandchildren would walk with a limp, but it did and that was something I absolutely didn't want to think about. Not now, not ever.

CHAPTER 3.

Nash

It took me another full day and a half to pull my head out of my a.s.s and stop acting like a lunatic. I was a mess. Torn up about kissing Saint, mostly because I didn't regret it for a second but also because I knew better. In the haze of tequila and sorrow, I could still taste her, feel her pressed up against me, and it was the only good thing I could seem to recall in the last few weeks.

I would love to be able to say that Saint's surprise visit had smacked me across the face with some much-needed clarity, but that wasn't the case. After her hasty departure because I mauled her like a uncouth jacka.s.s, I finished off the bottle of tequila I'd been steadily working my way through before she interrupted me and pa.s.sed out on the living room floor. The next day was more of the same, only at some point I had made my way to the couch and had managed to doze off using the pizza box as a pillow. Oh yeah, I was totally behaving like a responsible adult.

I cracked open an eye when the front door to the apartment swung open and heavy footfalls made their way over to where I was straight up wallowing in my own p.i.s.s-poor choices and inconsolability. The only person who still had a key to the apartment was Rule. Obviously he was done letting me have a pity party for one and was tired of me ignoring all his phone calls. My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and it took more than a minute for my hazy gaze to clear enough to meet his angry, pale blue eyes.

Rule knew me better than anyone. We were best friends for a reason. There was no judgment, no censure, and no disappointment from either of us, even when the situation sometimes called for it, like right now. We were a team no matter what, and the role we played in each other's life was that of rock-solid support and more often than not official a.s.s kicker of the other one when they needed it, which was clearly what he was thinking as he crossed his arms over his chest and lifted his pierced eyebrow at me.

"You look like c.r.a.p."

"Well, that's accurate since I feel like c.r.a.p."

"It's been a week. That's as long as I'm putting up with this s.h.i.t from you. Take a shower, go brush your G.o.dd.a.m.n teeth, put some f.u.c.king pants on, and we're going to see Phil. Enough, dude. Yeah, that was a pretty nasty bomb you got dropped on you, but it doesn't change the fact we all owe Phil more than we're ever going to be able to repay in one lifetime. So get over yourself and let's go."

I grunted up at him and peeled myself up off the greasy cardboard. Yeah, I was a winner. I rubbed my hands over the shorn surface of my hair and waited for the room to stop tilting sideways. I didn't know what to say to the man who had raised me. I had walked into his hospital room that night, taken one look into eyes that were the exact same color as mine, listened to him call me son in a voice that had no strength behind it, and turned around and walked right back out. It was a cowardly move, not to mention insensitive and shallow, but my head was spinning all around and I couldn't find any solid ground to balance on. Phil did deserve more than that from me no matter who exactly he was in my life now; he had always been there for me, supported me when no one else would.

I shoved to my feet and promptly fell back on my a.s.s. Rule reached out and put the hand that had the cobra head and his name inked across the knuckles on my shoulder to steady me. He shook his head, his spiky blue hair, making it sort of hard to take his look of reproach seriously.

"Just give me twenty."

I would need that long to scrub the disgusting taste of stale booze and cigarette after cigarette out of my mouth.

Saint wasn't lying, I did taste like a barroom floor. That was an entirely different mess I needed to try and clean up. I knew she only stopped by out of some kind of professional obligation, because she was nice and kind, and obviously possessed a huge heart. I knew she wasn't particularly fond of me, but she had looked past her dislike and offered comfort and soft words when I needed them most, and in repayment I had acted like a jacka.s.s. I needed to apologize and see if I could minimize some of the damage. I wanted her to like me, wanted her to think I was an all right guy, and not just because I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. It went beyond her awesome hair, rocking body, and soft gray eyes. I wanted her to like me because she had a way about her, a delicate kind of sweetness that I wanted to wrap myself all up in. It didn't make much sense, but nothing in my life right now did.

I had vague recollections of Saint from high school, still pretty but slightly heavier and desperately shy to the point of it being painful. She was smart and in all the accelerated programs Brookside High had offered, so our paths generally never crossed. There had been a point in time when I recalled our lockers being side by side and I had tried to engage her, made it a point to smile and say hi, but beyond that we moved in different circles and I don't think she wanted to slum with the likes of me. Still I remembered her hair and those eyes ... even then the light gray was full of kindness and understanding. She wasn't the kind of chick my teenage self tried to get lucky with, mostly because she was out of my league intellectually and even then radiated a cla.s.s I didn't understand. Rule and I had spent most of our teenage years s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g anything that moved and partying in ways that the older versions of ourselves marveled at now. We were a couple of unscrupulous horn b.a.l.l.s, and girls like Saint Ford, then and now, were not the kind of girls that wanted to get tangled up with guys like us.

Only to everyone's amazement Rule had settled down, was getting married in a few weeks to a bona fide society princess. She was just as smart, just as cla.s.sy and beautiful as Saint, and she loved Rule with everything she had. Shaw Landon was any guy's dream girl and Rule was the lucky b.a.s.t.a.r.d who'd landed her. Now he was going to make sure he got to keep her forever because he was putting a ring on her finger and changing her last name to his.

After a scalding-hot shower that made my skin red and woke me up enough to get my feet under me, I crawled into a pair of jeans and pulled a long-sleeved thermal over my head that had the logo of the tattoo shop where Rule and I worked on the front of it. Catching sight of myself in the mirror over my dresser, I had to wince. My face was covered in a week's worth of stubble and my normally clear eyes were lined with red veins. Despite my outward appearance I was generally a pretty mellow guy. I had learned to go with the flow and take things as they came. I had to with a guy like Rule as my partner in crime. He had enough att.i.tude and a desire to stir s.h.i.t up that I never needed to be "that guy"-the volatile, unpredictable type. Plus when you put bold and bright tattoos on the sides of your head, people took it at face value that you weren't someone they wanted to mess with. However, right now the reflection staring back at me was totally "that guy." I looked angry, confused, ready to throw down for no reason, and behind it all I looked sad ... really really sad.

I sighed and pulled a plain black baseball hat on over my shaved head. I grabbed a hoodie and met Rule back in the living room. He had thrown the discarded pizza boxes and Chinese food containers away and tossed the empty bottles of Patron I had lying around into the recycle bin. We had lived together for a long time before he had bought a house and moved in with Shaw. He knew where everything was and just gave me a "really" look when I shrugged.

"I was thirsty."

"Obviously. Between you and Ayden, I should buy stock in Patron."

Ayden was Shaw's best friend and the wife of another one of our childhood buddies. She was model pretty, had legs that made men stupid, spoke with a light southern tw.a.n.g, and could drink most of us under the table. Jet Keller was another one of my friends who'd found the quintessential dream girl and decided to keep her until the end of time. It seemed to be happening to everyone around me lately.

Even Rome, Rule's older brother and someone else I looked up to because of the kind of man he was, had found his perfect match. I don't know that anyone would consider Cora Lewis a dream girl. She was too bossy, a little too mouthy, and a whole lot of stubborn packed into a small, colorful package, but Rome seemed to think she was great. They were two very different people, but together they worked, so much so that Cora was expecting their first baby sometime in March. Everyone I cared about was falling in love and settling down. It made me happy but also made me nervous because I had seen what happened in the name of love when someone made life-changing choices based on it. I was a child that had been cast aside by an uncaring mother in the name of love.

We walked out the front door and I turned around to lock it behind me. The door across the hall opened and the G.o.ddess that lived across the hall came strolling out with a gym bag in her hand. She was pretty, really pretty, in an overly exaggerated way. Had I not had so much on my mind and still felt like such a b.a.s.t.a.r.d for treating Saint like I did the night before, there was a good chance I would've been all over welcoming her to the building in a much more personal and hands-on way. As it was, all I could do was offer her a brief nod in greeting as her gaze slid over the top of Rule's crazy hair to the tips of his worn black boots.

"Nice."

Her tone was friendly and flirty and her dark eyes sparkled with humor.

"The building manager should put it in the ad that the view is across the hall, not facing the mountains. He could charge like a hundred dollars more a month in rent for it."

Rule lifted the eyebrow that had the rings pierced through it and looked at me sideways. I just shrugged and headed toward the front door. I held it open for her as she preceded us out.

"I'm Royal Hastings, by the way."

I shook her hand and Rule followed suit. I saw her gaze drift over Shaw's name that he had tattooed on the knuckles of his other hand. It was more effective than any wedding band could ever be. A ring came off, a tattoo never did.

"Nash, and this is Rule. Sorry about all the noise and chaos the last week. Normally it's a pretty quiet building and we all keep to ourselves."

She laughed and pulled the hood of her light jacket up around her dark red hair. Man, she really was a knockout and I should be all over her, but the desire just wasn't there and in the next sentence she brought up the reason why.

"It's been interesting for sure. You have an interesting group of friends, neighbor. The girl from last night was my favorite. The blonde with all the tattoos is loud, the brunette doesn't seem very friendly, and the other blonde was nice enough but she acted like I didn't have any right to ask what was going on. The redhead was super nice, kind of shy, even so she's been my favorite. If all those girls are attached to the s.e.xy man parade that has been flooding in and out of the hallway, I have to say those are some lucky ladies."

I rolled my eyes and Rule laughed as we stopped on the sidewalk.

"The impatient blonde is mine. She's in the middle of planning a wedding and is pretty protective of her friends, so she's just a little fierce at the moment. The brunette is actually one of the nicest people you can ever meet, she's was just worried about this dumb-a.s.s and the fact he's been AWOL all week. She's married to the guy in the skintight jeans."

The hot neighbor nodded and continued to laugh.

"I see."

"The pregnant blonde with the ink is with my brother, the big dude that looks like he could rip the door off the hinges. The blond guy that kind of looks like Johnny Bravo and the other blond guy that is prettier than you are both unattached ... just FYI." He cut his frost-tinted gaze in my direction. "I don't know who the redhead is."

This wasn't a conversation I wanted to have on the sidewalk in front of a stranger, or anywhere else for that matter, but they were both just staring at me, so I groaned and shoved my hands into the pockets of my hoodie.

"The ER nurse, Saint, she stopped by to check on me. I was pretty f.u.c.ked up, drunk and out of it. She basically told me the same thing you guys have been trying to tell me all week. I need to get over my s.h.i.t and go make peace with Phil before it's too late."

The neighbor shrugged and turned toward a new-looking 4Runner parked on the other side of the Charger.

"That was nice of her. Nurses are usually really impersonal and clinical, so it's sweet she reached out. You boys have a lovely day."

We watched as she drove away and Rule turned to me with a lifted eyebrow. I scowled and patted my pockets searching for a pack of smokes. I swore when I remembered Saint walking out the door with them.

"What?"

"New neighbor."

"So?"

"So?"

I walked to the pa.s.senger side of his gigantic pickup truck and waited until he popped the lock so I could climb in. Once I was in the seat, I slumped down and rested my head against the cool pane of gla.s.s and closed my eyes. I knew I had to go to the hospital, but I really didn't want to. What was I supposed to say to Phil?

Something like ... oh, so you're my long-lost dad ... good to know, oh, by the way, thanks for waiting until you had cancer and might be dying to tell me ...?

There just weren't words that made any sense.

"So a week ago I would have walked into that apartment and there isn't a chance in h.e.l.l that you would've been alone. That neighbor would have been with you and you both would've been naked."

I barked out a laugh and opened one eye to look at him.

"I've been too jacked up. I was so sauced the last week there isn't a chance in h.e.l.l I could've got it up let alone gotten it in."

But that wasn't entirely true. When I had pulled Saint against me, when she had finally opened up and let me into the warm, damp recesses of her mouth, I had gotten hard as a rock and there was nothing the river of tequila in my blood could do about it. Like he was reading my mind, Rule asked, "So what's the story with the nurse?"

"We went to school with her. She was like super smart, shy, kept to herself mostly. She didn't party or go out, so I don't think you would really remember her. I recognized her the night I picked Rome up from the ER after he got his head smashed in. My locker was next to hers senior year. She looks a little different now, lost some weight, I guess, and her hair is longer. She doesn't seem to care for me very much, but she was great the night Phil was rushed to the hospital and it was nice of her to check on me last night."

"But why would she do that if she doesn't like you?"

"I don't really know. I think she's just a really nice person."

Rule snorted. "She's hot."

I nodded. "She is."

"Sucks she doesn't dig you."

I blew out a breath. "I guess. It's not like I'm in the market for a girlfriend anyway."

"Why the h.e.l.l not?"

It was a familiar argument we had now. Ever since he had decided Shaw was it for him, he was on my case to settle down, to find the one girl that would make me think love actually stood a chance and that monogamy was worth trying out. While I was happy for him, for all my friends that had found "the one," I just didn't see that being the route for me. When my mom had tossed me aside for her idiot husband under the guise of love, I knew even at such a young age that was not something I was ever going to do. Love someone enough that they made me willing to sacrifice the rest of my life for them. I liked being single, liked having the opportunity to experience different women, different moments with different people whenever I wanted. I didn't need a girlfriend to be fulfilled, nor did I really want one.

"Dude, I just found out my uncle is really my dad, he has cancer, and my best friend is f.u.c.king getting married in less than a month. Not to mention my pseudo big brother is expecting his first child. You tell me where in any of that I have the time or the mental capacity to try and be some chick's boyfriend."

He grunted and pulled the truck into the parking lot of the hospital. I felt my heart rate start to pick up and a cold sweat start to trickle down the back of my neck. We climbed out of the truck and met at the front of it. Rule gave me a hard shove with his hand and grunted when I dug the point of my elbow into his ribs to retaliate.

"That's the thing, Nash, you aren't 'some girl's' boyfriend, you're 'the girl's' boyfriend and when it's 'the girl' you find the time for it, and you get your head around it really quick because the idea of being without her is about the worst thing you can imagine."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I just kept my mouth shut and followed him through the sliding gla.s.s doors and to the elevator. Unconsciously my gaze searched the long white hallways for a glimpse of fiery-red hair. I didn't see her and I couldn't decide if that made me feel relieved or irritated.

We got to the top floor of the hospital where the oncology unit was located and I had to follow Rule because I didn't know which room Phil was in. Man, I really did suck and I wanted a d.a.m.n cigarette so bad it was making my skin hurt. The door was cracked just a little bit and Rule stepped to the side.

"Go in there and spend some time with the guy that raised you. He might have called you his nephew, Nash, but he always treated you-h.e.l.l, all of us-like his sons. I'll give you a few minutes before I come in."

I nodded jerkily.

I took a deep breath and pushed the door open. The curtains were pulled slightly open and the winter light was casting eerie shadows across Phil's fragile form. He had always been a big, strapping guy, and now that I knew he was my father I could see all the similarities between him and me. It was so much more than our unusual eye color. He lifted his eyelids and looked at me. I wanted to shuffle my feet and clear my throat, but I didn't. I walked to the end of the bed so that we were just watching each other. He was so thin and his pallor looked awful.

I rubbed my thumb along the edge of my jaw and tried for a grin. "You scared the h.e.l.l out of me, old man."

He grunted and lifted the hand that had some kind of monitor on it attached to miles of wires and tubes coming out of him.

"I was tired of all the poking and prodding. I wasn't going to spend Thanksgiving in a G.o.dd.a.m.n hospital. I just needed to get away. I didn't know I was sick, I thought it was just a cough."

"Just a cough?" I couldn't help the bitterness that crept into my tone. "I thought you were dead when I saw you lying on the floor of the cabin. Do you have any idea what that did to me?"

"I'm sorry, Nash. For all of it. I've made some bad decisions along the way, done some things I regret, but you, son ... you were never one of them."

There it was. Son, something I had always wanted to be and never thought I would be. I rubbed my hand across the back of my neck.

"I don't even know what to do with that, Phil. I don't even know what to call you anymore."

"What you always did. I'm still just Phil, Nash. The things that happened between me and your mom, it was too long ago and had nothing to do with you. Who you are today is a man you should be proud of ... a man I am proud of as a father, uncle, as a boss and anything in between. I thought I was protecting you, thought maybe getting sick was a sign. I thought it would just go away, honestly."

"Cancer? You thought cancer would just magically go away and that you could indefinitely hide from it? Hide from us?"

"Seems to be a family trait. Took you a full week to get your a.s.s in here, didn't it?"

He had a point, so I just sighed and leaned against the edge of the bed. I wrapped my hands around the rail and stared at him. He was sick, it was obvious, but there also appeared to be a lightness in him that had never been there before. I wondered how hard it had been for him to pretend all this time, to listen to me b.i.t.c.h about my imaginary father and the blame I placed on him for the way things broke loose with my mom and her husband. Maybe it was true, and the truth really did set you free.

"I had to get my head around some stuff. I needed to do that alone." I knew it should be on the very tip of my tongue to ask why he hadn't disclosed that he was my father before now, why he had been keeping secrets from me my entire life, but I think I was kind of terrified of the answer. My mom had never made me feel like I was worthy of carrying her blood. I don't think I could handle it if Phil had any of that kind of reasoning behind his actions.

"Where you at with everything now?" His tone was hesitant and I felt like an a.s.shole for making him uncertain of where he stood with me.

"I don't really know, but you've never let me down in my life and I would never be able to live with myself if something happened to you and we left things the way they were. I owe you everything I have and everything that I am. I'm not going to let you fight this alone."