What a Long Strange Trip it's Been

"Oh my head," the Professor groaned.

"Good morning," Henchgirl smiled. "How are you today?"

"Terrible," the Professor replied with a wince. "Could I get some hangover potion?"

"Nope," Henchgirl shook her head. "We're all out."

"But I saw you brew two bottles of it last night," the Professor protested.

"That was for me and Mr. Black," Henchgirl replied smugly. "Not you."

"But Mr. Black didn't drink much last night," the Professor groaned. "And you don't get hangovers."

"Better safe then sorry," Henchgirl was enjoying herself. "I had Mr. Black drink his right after I drunk mine, they're filled with vitamins so it's good to take one now and again even if you don't have a hangover."

"But they taste like used socks," the Professor was beginning to regret the fact that he was still alive. "Why would you want to take them if you didn't have to?"

"Only the ones I give you taste like used socks," Henchgirl smiled. "Ours taste like whatever I want them to taste like, today they tasted like strawberry milkshakes. They were yummy."

"Curse you," the Professor buried his head under a pillow. "Where are we?"

"We're over Atlantis," Henchgirl smiled. "Mr. Black says that he's recovered the tome and is on his way back up."

"So the diving bell works then?" The Professor's voice showed some signs of life.

"Yup," Henchgirl replied brightly. "And do did the oxygen scrubbers, he didn't even need to use the emergency potions."

"Good," the Professor gagged. "Set a course for England as soon as he gets back."

"I'm back," Harry stuck his head through the doorway. "Not feeling too good?"

"No," the Professor groaned.

"Shoulda had one of those milkshakes that Henchgirl made this morning," Harry grinned at the memory. "They tasted great, thanks again Henchgirl."

"You're welcome," Henchgirl replied happily.

"Spiteful wench," the Professor added his two cents.

"Did you find that book you were looking for?"

"Yeah," Harry pulled the book out. "And I took a look through it while I was decompressing . . . it isn't too impressive, but what can you expect considering the author."

"What is it?" Henchgirl took the book out of Harry's hands and began to examine it.

"A cook book," Harry sighed. "It might have something you can use though, I think I saw a couple potions."

"Thanks," Henchgirl said with a nod. "Did you see anything else while you were down?"

"The city is well preserved considering what happened to it and how long it's been down there." Harry spoke slowly, "I think that it's worth further exploration . . . are there any magical archaeologists?"

"Not that I know of," Henchgirl shook her head.

"Then maybe I'll be the first," Harry mused. "I kinda enjoyed looking through the old city . . . and I had a lot of fun in Egypt."

"You are good with languages," Henchgirl added.

"I suppose . . . how long before we get to England?"

"Within the hour," Henchgirl sighed. "One of the engines is at thirty percent so it'll take longer then usual to cross the Atlantic."

"So," Harry checked his watch. "About eight Greenwich Mean Time?"

"Sounds right," Henchgirl did a few quick calculations in her head.

"I'm gonna catch a quick nap then," Harry said after a moment of thought. "Call me if you need anything."

"Can I borrow your gla.s.ses?" Henchgirl asked hopefully, "I still haven't perfected the translation charm yet."

"You'll get it," Harry yawned. "Later."

"Bye." Henchgirl returned to the control room and glanced at the interments for a second, "Mr. Black to the bridge."

"What do you need?" Harry walked in a few seconds later.

"There is a small surface craft that appears to be suffering some sort of problem," Henchgirl replied quickly. "We'll be directly above them in about three seconds."

"I'll port down to see if they need any help," Harry said. "Shouldn't take but a minute or two."

"Thanks," Henchgirl favored Harry with a dazzling smile.

"I guess the only thing to say to that is . . . port me down." Harry reappeared on the wooden deck of what looked like a old wooden sailing s.h.i.+p. Taking a few moments to gain his bearing, Harry walked up the deck in search of the s.h.i.+p's master.

"Keep running ya' scurvy seagull dropping." Harry found a strange man bent over the rail and cursing at the ocean.

"h.e.l.lo," Harry spoke up to get the man's attention. "Are you alright?"

"Yes," the odd man rasped.

"Need any help?" Harry asked with a smile.

"No," the man croaked. "Thank you for asking."

"I'll be seeing you then," Harry continued in a firm voice. "Henchgirl . . . port me up."

Harry stumbled when he reappeared on the bridge and looked around with a slightly confused expression on his face.

"We put an auxiliary port trans router on the bridge," Henchgirl explained.

"Oh . . . I'll be getting some sleep if you need me for anything." Harry paused before walking out of the room. "And before I forget, I need something that will hide my scent . . . the werewolves knew that I'd been bitten when I talked to them last night."

"Ok" Henchgirl nodded. "Later."

IIIIIIIIII

"We have reached England," the Professor's voice awoke Harry from a sound sleep. "Drink this, it'll solve your little scent problem."

"Thanks." Harry rubbed his eyes. "Feeling better?"

"Yes." the Professor nodded. "Much better."

"Good." Harry glanced at the clock, "anything you want to do?"

"I have a few things that I need to take care of this morning." The Professor nodded, "but my afternoon and evening is free."

"Great," Harry replied with enthusiasm. "It's good to be back."

"I'm sure." The Professor smirked, " why don't you port down now and I shall join you later?"

"That'll work." Harry gave a slow nod, "floo me if you need something."

"Will do." The Professor nodded.

Harry walked to the PortTrans room and pulled out his Zippo. "Port me down."

IIIIIIIIII

"How is business twin o' mine?" Fred greeted his brother with a smile.

"We've just opened but I have high hopes that things will pick up," George replied. "I . . ." Any further speech was interrupted by the arrival of a strange man.

"What can we --"

"-- do for you?"

"I need to talk to you two." The strange man blinked. "Close the shop for an hour please."

"Why should we do that?"

"What's your name?"

"Your age?"

"Your occupation?"

"Your shoe size?"

"Date of Birth?"

"Mr. Black." Harry grinned, he'd missed these two. "And I think you'll be interested in hearing what I have to say."

"Mr. Black --"

"-- the Professor's boss?"

"We'll close the shop"

"First things first," Harry smiled. "My name isn't really Mr. Black."

"We - -"

"-- kinda figured that"

"It's Harry Potter," Harry deactivate his magical items to reveal his face. "Hey guys."

"You're --"

"-- Mr. Black? The ten thousand year old ex-dark lord?"

"Destroyer of civilizations?"

"Finder of treasure?"

"Mysterious super spy?"

"Death incarnate?"

"The most dangerous man ever to walk the earth?"

"What?" Harry's eyes widened in shock. "No, I'm just Harry."

"Take a look at this mate," George said with a grin. "It's your chocolate frog card."

"Or rather Mr. Black's chocolate frog card," Fred added.

"Chocolate frog card?" Harry took the card and began reading.

"Think he really did all those things?" George asked his twin.

"Knowing Harry?" Fred took a moment to think, "yes . . . I think he did."

"Boy has the worst luck," George agreed.

"Well." Harry stared at the chocolate frog card in shock. "I guess some of this is one way of looking at it."

"So you didn't do all those things?" George was disappointed.

"Not all of them," Harry spoke in a shaky voice. "Some of them . . . some of the other things happened around me and I just happened to be in the area."

"Do you know what this means Harry?" The twins looked at him with expressions of antisapation.

"No?"

"You pranked the entire world - -"

"-- b.l.o.o.d.y brilliant Harry, good job."

"So . . . anything new?" Harry spoke slowly.

"That chocolate frog card card --"

"-- will help normal people fight off death eaters."

"How does it work?" Harry took the card and s

"You tap it with your wand --"

"-- and chocolate shoots out of it --"

"-- entangling them and rendering them harmless." George finished proudly, "and the best part is that it can't be used against us by Ol'Moldy and his crew of goons. It will attack anyone that has a dark mark."

"Snape'll never know what hit him," Fred laughed.

"Great I . . . do you guys feel cold?"

"A little," Fred looked at his twin.

"Now that you mention it." George walked towards the window, "looks like there are a couple Dementors outside."

"d.a.m.n it," Harry growled. "Why does this always happen to me?"

"Just lucky I guess --"

"-- get out there and do your thing."

"I hate my life," Harry moaned as he reactivated his magical items. "Why couldn't I have a nice quiet life? With a white picket fence, where nothing can bother me except maybe the odd dust bunny?"

"Just lucky I guess." George shrugged.

Harry walked out of the shop and raised his wand . . . and lowered his wand. On the one hand, if he used his Patronus then everyone would know that he was Harry Potter and then the reporters and fans would never let him have a moment to himself. On the other hand, if he didn't use it then people would die.

"I really hate my life," Harry mused. Looking down, he noticed that the Mr. Black chocolate frog card was still clenched in his left hand. "What the h.e.l.l . . . couldn't hurt." Harry tapped the card with his wand and flicked it towards the dark creatures.

About one meter from impact, the card exploded. The dark creatures were hit by a hot, sticky, pulsating ma.s.s of chocolate.

Heads peaked out shop windows and eyes widened in astonishment as the Dementors began screeching.

"Well," George spoke up as the twins walked out of their shop. "How do you like our new invention Mr. Black?"

"And do you approve of the modifications we made to your standard card?" Fred asked with a grin.

"Good work." Harry nodded. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a shopkeeper to severely beat."

Once again, the heads in the windows disappeared as the listening merchants crawled under their desks and began to shake. Each one hoping that it wasn't him that Mr. Black wanted to talk with. As a consequence of this, most of the shops in Diagon Alley opened three hours late . . . and ten people wet themselves.

AN: Yes it was just a quick stop in Atlantis, Harry just wanted to grab Merlin's book. With any luck, didn't destroy the format. It does that sometimes, that's one of the reasons I use the IIIIIIIIII barrier. The end is near, the next chapter is mostly written and I hope to have it out soon.

Omake

"There I was," the old seaman looked around. "In the Bermuda Triangle, we were running a tour and the lookout had fallen asleep."

"What happened?" One of the children asked with wide eyes.

"Since there was no one watching, the monster got up close and wrapped itself around the s.h.i.+p." The Old sailor shook his head, "there was no way out and I knew that we were all gonna die until it happened. A thick bank of fog seemed to envelop the s.h.i.+p and the monster let go and began swimming away as fast as it could."

"And?"

"And I heard footsteps," the sailor wiped his palms off on his s.h.i.+rt. "And out of the fog, a man appeared. He was dressed all in black and he started looking around. Finally in a low dangerous voice he asked me if I was alright."

"What did you do?"

"I told him I was," the sailor gave a shrill laugh. "Then he asked me if I needed any help, I told him that I didn't and he went on his way and it was only after I got to port that I found out . . ."

"Found out?"

"That Mr. Black was in the area," the sailor whispered. "The monster ran because it sensed that there was a more dangerous predator in the area and I . . . I don't go out there anymore without making sure that there are three lookouts and that everyone of them is awake."

Omake for chapter 38 by luinlothana

„…So you know Professor, we thought that we could make this every female costume based on slightly modified Polyjuice but we couldn't afford the ingredients in the amount we would need to make experiments safe"

"That's a very interesting idea, Judith. I'm sure Henchgirl would be willing to offer you her advice…" Professor went silent for a moment "Mr. Black just wanted me to tell you to be careful with Polyjuice experiments. Said he knows a person who found out why Polyjuice and cats don't mix."

"Er, thanks for the warning, I guess. Now, would you be willing to fund production of our Whole Hole Paint?"

"What does it do?" "Allows you to paint real holes on the wall. When it dries however you can only go outside, not in. So far looks promising but we are working on adding the train effect?"

"Train? That's interesting…" Half an hour later Judith was done with the conversation "So how was it?"

"Better than I could have expected, Brandy. They are willing to finance everything. Even Road Runner slacks you said n.o.body will ever even ask for."

"So why do you look so worried?"

"Mr. Black gave me a warning. I don't know what to make of it. Something about Polyjuice and cats not mixing well…"

"Oh, that. I guess it slipped my mind with all the excitement of Mr. Black supporting us."

"WHAT slipped your mind?"

"You remember Ray, that boy from a team you said you had a crush on?"

"Sure I do? What king of question if that anyway?"

"Well he tried to asked you out just before that detention m.u.f.fy served for you. And you know how she doesn't like that cologne he sometimes wears… Anyway she slapped him so hard he nearly fell. And I believe scratched him with nails a bit. But it wasn't anything serious I'm sure…"

"And you forgot to tell me that."

"Uh, yeah, kinda, sorry. At least you can explain yourself with feminine problems partially"

"Yeah, so maybe he'll speak to me somewhere in the next millennium. At least I know why Mr. Black didn't say anything about me escaping detention. Probably thought this was punishment enough. After all he is nicer that expected but he didn't earn that fame just by a coincidence."

Omake by Chris Hill Endsville, USA...

Harry was on the bridge with the professor and Henchgirl, enjoying the day when he saw a creature in the middle of a town.

"Professor, please stop the s.h.i.+p. There's something I need to do.

After porting down, Harry deployed his scythe, it being the wise thing to do, when he literally b.u.mbled into another person with a scythe. The stranger, in a robe that covered his face, said "Here now, what's the rush?"

"Excuse me," Harry said, "I have to go stop that creature."

"Nah..." the figure replied, "No need to do that, it's just Billy's new pet. I'll get rid of it once he's bored."

Harry raised an eyebrow as he noticed that none of the locals seemed to be worried, "Is this a magical town or something? I thought this was a muggle town."

"Oh, it is. But here they don't worry about any of that. How about we get a cup of tea?"

Harry shrugged, and then noticed the bone skull instead of a face. It figured. "Fine. I don't suppose there's something I should be doing?"

"No. Nice scythe by the way. How does it do with the spell casting?"

"Haven't tried it," Harry replied. "I only use it occasionally."

Grim nodded as they reach a local restaurant. He noticed someone with a recording device, and decided to have some fun. "So, I hear you've been on Vacation, Mr. Black. When do you get back to your usual schedule." Grim smiled. Perhaps he could do something to get the person who escaped.

"A few days. It's been relaxing."

"That's good." Grim replied as he signaled the waitress. "Two teas my good woman."

"So, how's life been treating you?" Harry asked, wondering if he was sleeping. "Not bad. Billy and Mandy are a handful, but they are family. If you ever repeat that, I'll deny it however." Grim smirked back at Harry. "I've even got a part time job at the local elementary as a subst.i.tute teacher."

"Oh? I thought you'd be busier than that." Harry stated. "Well, I need to take care of those two, and everyone here is so used to seeing me, that I've somewhat settled down." Grim took a sip of his tea. "I am getting a bit behind. Say now, perhaps you could help me."

Harry sighed, it had to happen. "What do you need."

"Well, I missed someone when I was in England, and I was wondering if you would look for him?"

"What's his name?"

"Goes by Voldemort. I have his gla.s.s here." Grim pulled out an hour gla.s.s that didn't have any more sand puring down from the top. "I just keep missing him when I try to collect."

"Somewhat like myself and Wormtail."

"Somewhat, but since you're heading that way..."

"I'll take it." Harry replied, sipping his own tea after adding a bit of honey.

"Thanks. Oh, if I may, can I have a small blood sample?" Harry frowned, "What do you need that for?"

Grim held up his boney hands, "Nothing, just want a souvenir."

Harry shrugged, Death was certainly into unusual hobbies. "OK."

After getting the vial, both of them heard a voice, "OK Grim, who is he, and why are you sitting down on the job?"

"Mandy, I would like you to meet a friend of mine, Mr. Black."

"Yea, yea. Unless he's going to help, stop gabbing and stop Billy from making an even bigger fool of himself."

Harry nodded. "I guess I'll see you latter. Port me up Professor."

After Harry left, Grim looked to see if that agent was still there with his microphone. "What did you do that for Mandy? Do you know how hard it is to even see him?"

"What's the problem, Grim. You're Death!"

"The problem is that he's my BOSS. He's the Big Man in reaping."

Agent 86's eyes widened as he heard this. The town would have to be reported on naturally, but they didn't dare do anything to it if Black was letting it go. But for there to be a Grim Reaper here, and for Mr. Black to be THE Boss... Well, the Chief would HAVE to hear this.