[_Confused Noise without._]

_Hemich. a._ [4] Horrid things! I really wonder how they ever dared to come, When they know to base Non-Placets that we're always Not At Home.

_Hemich. B._ [4] 'Tis a national dishonour: 'tis the century's disgrace.

_Hemich. a._ If the College rules allowed it, _I_ should like to scratch their face.

_Hemich. B._ Never mind! a time is coming when despite of all their Dons We will sack the hall of Jesus, and enjoy the wealth of John's!

_Hemich. a._ Vengeance! let us face the foe-man, boldly bear the battle's brunt, With our Placets to a.s.sist us and our chaperons in front!

[_Alarums; Excursions--special trains for voters._]

(_A violation of the rule_ "Ne pueros coram populo Medea trucidet" _is about to commence, when--_)

_Enter_ APOLLO

(_With apologies to Dr V-rr-ll for his profligate character._)

When all too deftly poets tie the knot And can't untwist their complicated plot, 'Tis then that comes by Jove's supreme decrees The useful _theos apo mechanes_. [5]

Rash youths! forbear ungallantly to vex Your fellow students of the softer s.e.x!

Ladies! proud leaders of our culture's van, Crush not too cruelly the reptile Man!

Or by experience you, as now, will learn Th' eternal maxim's truth, that e'en a worm will turn.

[1. Transcriber's note: The words "Pheu" and "pheu" were transliterated from the Greek as follows: "Pheu"--Phi, epsilon, upsilon; "pheu"--phi, epsilon, upsilon.]

[2. Transcriber's note: The words "otototoi" and "ototototoi" were transliterated from the Greek as follows: the "ot" pairs--omicron (with the rough-breathing diacritical), tau; the trailing "i"--iota.]

[3. Transcriber's note: The word "Nous" was transliterated from the Greek as follows: Nu, omicron, upsilon, sigma.]

[4. Transcriber's note: The "a" and "B" following each "Hemich" were transliterated from the Greek "alpha" and "Beta", respectively.]

[5. Transcriber's note: The phrase "theos apo mechanes" was transliterated from the Greek as follows: "theos"--theta, epsilon, omicron, sigma; "apo"--alpha, pi, omicron; "mechanes"--mu, eta, chi, alpha, nu, eta, sigma.]

QUADRIVIAD, ll. 1-51

Arma virosque cano: procul o, procul este profani: nescio mentiri: si quis mendacia quaerit in vespertinis quaerat mendacia chartis.

me neque multo iterum Pharsalia sanguine tincta nec tam Larissa nuper fugitiva relicta Graecia percussit, quam Curia Munic.i.p.alis Principis augusta dextra Cambrensis aperta, atque novae longis imbutae litibus aedes: omnia quae vobis canerem si tempus haberem aut spatium: sed non habeo, varias ob causas.

nunc civilia bella viaeque cruore rubentes Musae sufficient et Quadrivialis Enyo.

Nox erat et caeio fulgebat luna sereno desuper: in terris fulgebat Serica lampas plurima, et ornatis pendent vexilla fenestris.

spectando gaudent cives: academica p.u.b.es palatur pa.s.sim plateis aut ordine facto proruit ignavum cives pecus: omnia late laet.i.tia magni praesentia Principis implet.

Metropolitanae custos, Robertule, pacis, tu quoque laetus ades, nec dedignaris amice inter ridentem comis ridere popellum.

ecce tamen Furiae Martini desuper arce dant belli signum: ruit undique vulgus ad arma: procuratores obsistunt subgraduatis, civibus iratis obsistunt subgraduati et cives illis: pacis custodibus, omnes.

turba venit diris ultrix accincta bacillis: Metropolitani vecti per strata caballis proturbant cunctos, reliquos in carcere claudunt.

Consiliarius en! Urba.n.u.s in occiput ipse percut.i.tur nec scit quisnam cere comminuat brum: namque negant omnes, et adhuc sub judice lis est.

quid Medicina viris jurisve peritia prodest, jurisconsultos dubio si jure coercent vincula, nec proprios arcet Medicina bacillos?

heu pietas, heu prisca fides! neglectus alumnus Tutorem in vacua tristis desiderat aula: interea Tutor sub judice munic.i.p.ali litigat, et jurat nil se fecisse nefandum, obtestans divos: nec creditur obtestanti.

quid referam versos equites iterumque reversos subgraduatorum pellentes agmina ferro, inque pavimentis equitantes undique turmas?

proh pudor! o mores, o tempora! forsitan olim exercens operam curvo Moderator aratro inveniet mixtis capitum fragmenta galeris relliquias pugnae, et mentem mortalia tangent.

me sacer Aegidius Musarum fana colentem aegide defendit, perque ignea tela, per hostes incolumem vexitque tuens rursusque revexit.

MUSICAL DEGREES

Too oft there grows a painful thorn the floweret's stalk upon: Behind each cupboard's gilded doors there lurks a Skeleton: The crumpled roseleaf mocks repose, beneath the bed of down: In proof of which attend the tale of Bach Beethoven Brown.

Beethoven Brown could play and sing before he learnt to crawl: Piano, bones, or ophicleide--he played upon them all!

Some talk of Paderewski, or of Dr Joachim-- These artists meritorious are, but can't compare with him.

No faults or errors technical his Symphonies deface: He calculates in counterpoint, he thinks in thoroughba.s.s: Composers of celebrity--musicians of renown-- Confess that they're inferior far to Bach Beethoven Brown.

As conquerors, their triumphs won, new fields before them see, So Mr Brown resolved to have a Musical Degree: Some say that it the t.i.tle was and others say the gown That captive took the soaring soul of Bach Beethoven Brown.

But ah! our Statues grovelling command their candidates To satisfy examiners in Smalls, and Mods., and Greats, To learn those verbs irregular which men of taste abhor, Before you can a Doctor be or e'en a Bachelor!

O mores! and O tempora! can pedantry compel Musicians who write choruses to construe them as well?

Is this (I ask) the way to deal with genius great and high?

Why fetter it with Latin Prose? and Echo answers "Why?"

Beethoven Brown is famous still, though ignorant of Greek, He writes cantatas every month and anthems once a week: And still in every capital and each provincial town Piano organs play the tunes of Bach Beethoven Brown;

Earls, Viscounts, Dukes, and R-y-lties his music throng to hear: Already he's a Baronet, and soon he'll be a Peer: And--thrice a year this awful news a nation's heart appals, That great Sir Bach Beethoven Brown is ploughed again in Smalls!

QUIETA MOVERE

"Any leap in the dark is better than standing still."--_New Proverb_.

Talk not to us of the joys of the Present, Say not what is is undoubtedly best: Never be ours to be merely quiescent-- Anything, everything rather than rest!

Placid prosperity bores us and vexes: What if philosophers Latin and Greek Say that well-being's a Status and _Exis_? [1]

Nothing should please you for more than a week.

Tinkering, doctoring, shifting, deranging, Urged by a constant satiety on, Ever the new for the newer exchanging, Hazarding ever the gains we have won--

Only perpetual flux can delight us, Blown like a billow by winds of the sea: Still let us bow to the shrine of St. Vitus-- _Vite Sanctissime, ora pro me_!

Pray, that when leaps in the darkness uncaring End in a fall (as they probably will), Mine be the credit for valiantly daring, Others be charged with defraying the bill!

[1. Transcriber's note: The word "Exis" was transliterated from the Greek as follows: Epsilon (with the rough-breathing diacritical), xi, iota, sigma.]