"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Doesn't your mom handle your allowance?"

A huge sigh emanated from him.

"Mommy doesn't let me sit in the front seat," Sarah said again.

"Well, Daddy thinks it's okay. Plus you look quite comfortable. And will you please stop eating the Skittles that way?"

We suddenly pa.s.sed a three-story mock-colonial monstrosity on Voltemand Drive when Sarah sat up and pointed at the house and cried out, "That's where Ashleigh's birthday was!"

The mention of that party in September caused a surge of panic, and I gripped the steering wheel tightly.

I had taken Sarah to Ashleigh Wagner's birthday party as a favor to Jayne, and there was a sixty-foot stegosaurus balloon and a traveling animal show and an arch made up of Beanie Babies framing the entrance and a machine spewing a continuous stream of bubbles around the backyard. Two weeks prior to the actual event there had been a "rehearsal" party in order to gauge which kids "worked" and which did not, who caused trouble and who seemed serene, who had the worst learning disability and who had heard of Mozart, who responded best to the face painting and who had the coolest SCO (special comfort object), and somehow Sarah had pa.s.sed (though I suspected that being the daughter of Jayne Dennis was what got her the invite). The Wagners were serving the lingering parents Valrhona hot chocolate that had been made without milk (other things excised that day: wheat, gluten, dairy, corn syrup) and when they offered me a cup I stayed and chatted. I was being a dad and at the point at which I vowed that nothing would ever change that (plus the Klonopin was good at reinforcing patience) and I appeared hopefully normal even though I was appalled by what I was witnessing. The whole thing seemed harmless-just another gratuitously whimsical upscale birthday party-until I started noticing that all the kids were on meds (Zoloft, Luvox, Celexa, Paxil) that caused them to move lethargically and speak in affectless monotones. And some bit their fingernails until they bled and a pediatrician was on hand "just in case." The six-year-old daughter of an IBM executive was wearing a tube top and platform shoes. Someone handed me a pet guinea pig while I watched the kids interact-a jealous tantrum over a parachute, a relay race, kicking a soccer ball through a glowing disc, the mild reprimands, the minimal vomiting, Sarah chewing on a shrimp tail ("Une crevette!" she squealed; yes, the Wagners were serving poached prawns)-and I just cradled the guinea pig until a caterer took it away from me when he noticed it writhing in my hands. And that's when it hit: the desire to flee Elsinore Lane and Midland County. I started craving cocaine so badly, it took all my willpower not to ask the Wagners for a drink and so I left after promising to pick Sarah up at the allotted time. During those two hours I almost drove back to Manhattan but then calmed down enough that my desperate plan became a gentle afterthought, and when I picked up Sarah she was holding a goody bag filled with a Raffi CD and nothing edible and after telling me she'd learned her four least favorite words she announced, "Grandpa talked to me." she squealed; yes, the Wagners were serving poached prawns)-and I just cradled the guinea pig until a caterer took it away from me when he noticed it writhing in my hands. And that's when it hit: the desire to flee Elsinore Lane and Midland County. I started craving cocaine so badly, it took all my willpower not to ask the Wagners for a drink and so I left after promising to pick Sarah up at the allotted time. During those two hours I almost drove back to Manhattan but then calmed down enough that my desperate plan became a gentle afterthought, and when I picked up Sarah she was holding a goody bag filled with a Raffi CD and nothing edible and after telling me she'd learned her four least favorite words she announced, "Grandpa talked to me."

I turned to look at her as she innocently nibbled a prawn. "Who did, honey?"

"Grandpa."

"Grandpa Dennis?" I asked.

"No. The other grandpa."

I knew that Mark Strauss (Sarah's father) had lost both parents before he met Jayne and that's when the anxiety hit. "What other grandpa?" I asked carefully.

"He came up to me at the party and said he was my grandpa."

"But honey, that grandpa's dead," I said in a soothing tone.

"But Grandpa isn't dead, Daddy," she said happily, kicking the seat.

It was silent in the car-except for the Backstreet Boys-as that day came rushing back and I forced myself to forget about it while I cruised onto the interstate.

"Daddy, why don't you work?" Sarah now asked. She was making satisfied smacking sounds after swallowing each Skittle.

"Well, I do work, honey."

"Why don't you go to an office?"

"Because I work at home."

"Why?"

"Because I'm a stay-at-home dad," I answered calmly. "Hey, where are we? A c.o.c.ktail party?"

"Why?"

"Please don't do this now, honey, okay?"

"Why do you stay at home?"

"Well, I work at the college too."

"Daddy?"

"Yes, honey?"

"What's a college?"

"A place I go to teach singularly untalented slackers how to write prose."

"When do you go?"

"On Wednesdays."

"But is that work?"

"Work puts people in bad moods, honey. You don't really want to work. In fact you should avoid work."

"You don't work and you're in a bad mood."

Robby had said this. Tensing up, I glanced at him in the rearview mirror. He was staring out the window, his chin in his hand.

"How do you know I'm in a bad mood?" I asked.

He didn't say anything. I realized the answer to that question required an elaboration that Robby wasn't capable of. I also realized: Let's not go there.

"I think I come off as a pretty happy guy," I said.

A long, horrible pause.

"I'm very lucky," I added.

Sarah considered this. "Why are you lucky, Daddy?"

"Well, you guys are very lucky too. You lead very lucky lives. In fact you're even luckier than your dad."

"Why, Daddy?"

"Well, Daddy has a very hard life. Daddy would like snack time. Daddy would like to take a nap. Daddy would like to go to the playground."

I could see in the rearview mirror that Robby had clamped his hands over his ears.

We were pa.s.sing a waterslide that had closed for the season when Sarah shouted, "I want to go on the waterslide!"

"Why?" It was my turn to ask.

"Because I wanna slide down it!"

"Why?"

"Because it's fun," she said with less enthusiasm, confused at being on this side of the questioning.

"Why?"

"Because . . . I like it?"

"Why do you-"

"Will you stop asking her why?" Robby said fervently, pleading.

I quickly glanced in the rearview mirror at Robby, who looked stricken.

I averted my gaze to where the Backstreet Boys CD was spinning. "I don't know why you kids listen to this c.r.a.p," I mumbled. "I should buy you some CDs. Make you listen to something decent. Springsteen, Elvis Costello, The Clash . . ."

"Who in the h.e.l.l is Elvis Costello?"

We had pulled off the interstate and were heading toward the mall on Ophelia Boulevard when Robby asked this and when I slowed down for a stop sign I saw Aimee Light's BMW pull out of the Whole Foods parking lot on the other side of the road.

And I could see that someone was in the pa.s.senger seat. And that it was a man.

Robby's comment about Elvis Costello, the stop sign, spotting Aimee's car, realizing that she was driving with a man man-all this happened within the s.p.a.ce of a few seconds, almost simultaneously.

I immediately made a U-turn and started trailing them.

Sarah was lip-synching to the Backstreet Boys when suddenly she whirled around in her seat. "Daddy, where are we going?"

"We're going to the mall, honey."

"But this isn't the way to the mall."

"Just sit back and appreciate your father's driving skills."

"But Daddy, where are we going?"

"I'm just curious about something, honey."

She was driving. She was laughing. I was directly behind them and she was laughing. And then she reached over and touched the side of his face.

At the next light (three blocks in which I heard nothing but her laughter and saw only the back of a white BMW) she kissed him.

I immediately had to resist the urge to press down on the horn.

I wanted to pull over next to them. I wanted to see who the guy-my rival-was.

But the boulevard was crowded and I couldn't pull next to her in either lane. I don't remember if the kids were saying anything to me (I had blocked them out) as I reached for my cell phone and dialed her number (I had planned to do this at the mall anyway while the kids were watching the movie) and-even in this panicked, jealous state-I experienced the pang of guilt I always felt dialing Aimee Light's number because I had it memorized yet had trouble remembering the number of the house in which I lived.

I watched very carefully as both she and the guy (I caught a glimpse of his profile but not enough to see a face) looked at the control panel in the same instant.

I waited. Aimee picked up the cell and checked the incoming number.

And then she placed the phone back down.

Her voice: "It's Aimee, please leave a message, thanks."

I clicked off. I was sweating. I turned on the air conditioning.

"She didn't pick up," I said out loud.

"Who, Daddy?" Sarah asked. "Who didn't pick up?"

The light turned green. The BMW drove away. As it did, the guy turned in his seat and looked back at the Range Rover, but the sun was reflecting off the rear window and I couldn't make out any of his features. My anxiety restrained me from following them. I didn't even want to know where they were going. Plus what would the kids tell Jayne? Mommy, Daddy followed somebody and when he called her she didn't pick up. Mommy, Daddy followed somebody and when he called her she didn't pick up. A car blaring its horn was my reminder to start moving again. I made another U-turn and drove toward the mall, where I circled the miles of asphalt that surrounded it until Robby leaned over and said, pointing, "There's a s.p.a.ce right there, Bret. Just park the car." I did. A car blaring its horn was my reminder to start moving again. I made another U-turn and drove toward the mall, where I circled the miles of asphalt that surrounded it until Robby leaned over and said, pointing, "There's a s.p.a.ce right there, Bret. Just park the car." I did.

We went straight to the multiplex. I was too distracted by the guy in the pa.s.senger seat to proceed with this day leisurely. Could it have been Alvin Mendolsohn, her thesis instructor? No, this guy was younger, her age, a student maybe. I flashed on the profile and the blurred face but came up with nothing. I purchased the tickets for Some Call Him Rebel Some Call Him Rebel and was so out of it that when the kids asked for candy and popcorn and c.o.kes I numbly bought them whatever they wanted even though Jayne had warned me not to. I let them choose their seats in the cavernous auditorium, which was oddly empty for a Sat.u.r.day matinee and I feared that I'd chosen an unpopular movie but Robby-who was a movie nut-didn't complain. Again, I thought of all the bartering Jayne had gone through to get him here and realized that he probably would have sat through and was so out of it that when the kids asked for candy and popcorn and c.o.kes I numbly bought them whatever they wanted even though Jayne had warned me not to. I let them choose their seats in the cavernous auditorium, which was oddly empty for a Sat.u.r.day matinee and I feared that I'd chosen an unpopular movie but Robby-who was a movie nut-didn't complain. Again, I thought of all the bartering Jayne had gone through to get him here and realized that he probably would have sat through Shoah. Shoah. Sarah sat between Robby and me and was drinking her soda too quickly and when I warned her not to Robby rolled his eyes and sighed while opening a box of Junior Mints and soon both of them were concentrating on the action storming across the screen. About twenty minutes into the movie when I could stand it no longer I leaned over and told Robby to watch his sister while I went to make a phone call, and I hesitated because I remembered the name of the most recent missing boy: Maer Cohen. Robby nodded intently without looking at me and I realized that no one was going to take him anywhere ( Sarah sat between Robby and me and was drinking her soda too quickly and when I warned her not to Robby rolled his eyes and sighed while opening a box of Junior Mints and soon both of them were concentrating on the action storming across the screen. About twenty minutes into the movie when I could stand it no longer I leaned over and told Robby to watch his sister while I went to make a phone call, and I hesitated because I remembered the name of the most recent missing boy: Maer Cohen. Robby nodded intently without looking at me and I realized that no one was going to take him anywhere (unless he let them, came an unbidden thought). I paced the lobby of the multiplex while dialing Aimee's number again and this time I left a message: "Hey, Aimee, it's Bret. Um, I saw you about forty minutes ago coming out of Whole Foods and it looked like you were, um, having fun . . ." I laughed weakly. "Well, that's it. Call me on my cell." I clicked off. When I went back to the auditorium the screen was a blur. It was hopeless. I couldn't concentrate on anything except the fact that I kept thinking I had been in that car with Aimee Light. I thought the guy in the pa.s.senger seat was myself. When I focused: fleets of black hovercraft anch.o.r.ed in s.p.a.ce. came an unbidden thought). I paced the lobby of the multiplex while dialing Aimee's number again and this time I left a message: "Hey, Aimee, it's Bret. Um, I saw you about forty minutes ago coming out of Whole Foods and it looked like you were, um, having fun . . ." I laughed weakly. "Well, that's it. Call me on my cell." I clicked off. When I went back to the auditorium the screen was a blur. It was hopeless. I couldn't concentrate on anything except the fact that I kept thinking I had been in that car with Aimee Light. I thought the guy in the pa.s.senger seat was myself. When I focused: fleets of black hovercraft anch.o.r.ed in s.p.a.ce.

After the movie I just went through the motions: soft-serve frozen yogurt in the food court, a game of laser tag in the arcade, and Sarah wanted to go to Abercrombie and Fitch, where I flipped through a catalogue, clutching my cell phone and willing it to ring and the kids tried on clothes until Robby told me he wanted to stop by Mail Boxes Etc. I remember asking him why but don't remember his answer (this would prove to be a key mistake on my part). Sarah and I followed him to the other side of the mall. Sarah was numbering her steps and telling me that she wanted lots of neon and a curtain made of beads in her room. Outside Mail Boxes Etc., Robby ran into a group of his disaffected clique, who were exiting the same upscale post office that Robby was (coincidentally) heading into and where he was forced to introduce me.

"This is Bret," he said.

"I'm his father," I offered the group of boys.

"Yeah, he's my dad," Robby said tonelessly.

Robby's face was suddenly flushed. He nodded even though his expression suggested that he didn't have the slightest idea of what that exchange signified. That this was the first time he had called me Dad. When I realized he was not going to introduce the boys (there were four of them) individually, I sat down with Sarah on a nearby bench and watched them interact. A discussion ensued about the school's banning of dodgeball and then they compared notes on Halloween. The boys glared at one another as they talked yet everything was said with a marked lack of enthusiasm, and they made vain, halfhearted threats at one another. All of them had headphones dangling around their necks and cargo pants from Banana Republic and they all wore the same orange-tinted wraparound sungla.s.ses that Robby was wearing. When one of the boys glanced over at me as if I were contagious I finally understood that I was The Distraction-the reason this conversation was not going to last much longer. Once they realized I was observing them, the one I instinctively loathed the most gave me a look that said "Who the f.u.c.k are you?" and I overheard the term "d.i.c.kweed"-though in relation to whom I wasn't sure. The hard smooth faces barely touched by acne, the fashionable crew cuts, the hands jittery because of the meds, their uncertainty with one another-it all led to one thing for me: I did not trust any of them. And then, without warning, the group of boys broke up. Whatever interest they had in each other evaporated so rapidly that it seemed not to have existed at all. Robby trudged toward us under the glare of the mall light and it suddenly bothered me that so little of his life revolved around poetry or romance. Everything was grounded in the dull and anxious day-to-day. Everything was a performance. But what bothered me more-the thing that actually was the reason I became riveted by the boys-was that I'd heard one of them-as I turned away to guide Sarah to that nearby bench-say the name Maer Cohen. When I heard that name uttered I quickly glanced back as two of the boys made a hushing motion to the boy who'd spoken the name. Once they saw the startled expression on my face they perfected their poses. Poses they maintained despite the fact that Maer Cohen was one of them, was their age, was a boy who had lived only minutes from this mall, but now had vanished. And the thing that made me squirm with unease on that bench was the fact that not one of the five boys, including my son, had seemed frightened. None of them seemed scared. What bothered me most was how they had to dampen their enthusiasm-their glee-in front of the adult.

And then: an adrenaline rush interrupted by a question from Sarah.

"Daddy?" she asked.

"Yes?"

"Do you help people?"

But I wasn't answering her anymore because I realized who was in the pa.s.senger seat of Aimee Light's BMW.

It was the boy who had come to my office wanting me to sign a book.

It was the boy who came to a Halloween party dressed as Patrick Bateman.

The same boy that Aimee Light claimed she had never seen before.

It was Clayton.

"Daddy . . . do you help people?" Sarah asked again.

11. detective