But then, there were a lot of things that had always been in his head that he'd kept carefully pushed way down deep.

________.

For the next week Zack managed to keep his shit together. Maddie and Aidan had been busy, Aidan working late and Maddie attending a couple of business functions in the evenings. Zack had time on his hands and was starting to feel antsy.

He'd joined a gym, knowing that getting back in physical shape would also help him mentally, so he worked out every day. Maddie's plan to fatten him up was succeeding and he'd gained weight. He felt stronger too.

Seeing that camera store last weekend had awakened the need inside him to take pictures. He missed it. He'd totally been procrastinating on buying new gear. He couldn't explain why but he recognized that being unwilling to plan for the future was one of the possible symptoms of PTSD.

Aidan had clued in that he'd been delaying it when he'd made that bullshit excuse about waiting for the insurance money. He had more than enough to buy that new Nikon D4 he'd been wanting. Plus all the lenses and accessories. Yeah it was probably about twenty grand, but he had that easily.

So Friday, he gathered up his courage and hit a big camera store on Wabash. He weighed lenses in his hand, and the feel of them made his skin tingle all over. Pleasure flowed through him as he studied the camera. He changed the lenses out and looked through the viewfinder each time. His new Visa card took a hit, but he left there with a sweet new bag full of camera gear.

He didn't take any pictures. One step at a time.

He was sitting on the living room floor that evening with everything spread in front of him like a kid on Christmas morning when Maddie walked in, home early for once.

"Hey." She dropped her purse on a table. "What's all that?"

"New camera gear." For some reason he didn't want to let on what a big deal this was or the complex emotions twisting inside him. The fact that this was a big step forward. "Went and picked it out today."

"Awesome." She picked up some mail and glanced at it as she walked across the room. Dressed in a fitted white suit with a silky pink blouse beneath it, she looked all professional. Her slender legs were bare beneath the knee-length skirt and she wore sleek high-heeled shoes that were sexy as hell. She sat in an armchair near him and surveyed the camera parts. "That's great. Wow."

He shrugged and began packing away the items. "No big deal."

She didn't move, didn't say anything and finally he had to look up at her. She was regarding him with steady eyes, eyebrows lifted.

"What?"

"Why are you being an asshole again?"

He frowned. But she had him. It was the only way he knew to cover up his emotions. Be a jerk. "Sorry," he muttered.

"You'd think you'd be happy now you have camera gear again."

He bent his head. "Yeah. You'd think."

"Zack. Why aren't you happy?" Her voice went soft and husky and reached deep inside him and squeezed.

"I'm happy."

"Oh. Okay. I get it. Jesus, Zack. It's not a weakness to be happy."

His head snapped up and he glared at her. "What?"

She smiled and to his utter shock reached out and patted his cheek. His body went rigid and he stared at her. "It's okay to have feelings."

His eyebrows pulled together. "I don't...what?"

"I still wish you'd talk to us."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Babe, you don't want to hear the stuff I'd talk about. Believe me."

"Oh come on."

"I'm not the same guy I was when I left here seven years ago."

Her smile faded and she nodded. "I know that, Zack. Believe me, I know that. But still...you're someone worth knowing." She set her hands on her thighs and stood. "I'm going to change."

What the fuck? He rolled onto his back on the floor and stared at the ceiling. Why did she say shit like that? She was messing him up even more.

Because even more, he wanted her.

He closed his eyes. Pressed his fists into the sockets. He never should have come here. She thought she knew him. She thought she knew what he was feeling. She had no fucking clue.

She'd done so much for him. Cared about him. Lobbied people to try to find him. Organized support for him. And then let him come and stay there when he was wrecked, and an asshole who'd rejected her.

It was wearing on him, weakening those walls he'd put up. He was trying so hard to keep his emotional distance, from both of them, but when she was nice to him and saw stuff inside him he didn't want anyone to see...it was hard to keep those barriers up.

He sat up and looked out the window. Rain drizzled down the outside of the big glass windows, the sky a dull gray, a mist shrouding Lake Michigan. It was still hours from dusk but the heavy cloud cover created an early darkness. It emphasized the warmth and brightness in the condo, the feeling of being secure and safe.

Oh Christ. He was having another of those moments-the intense relief at being safe making him relive when he'd not felt safe and secure. His body trembled as memories assaulted him, memories of how he'd felt when he believed he was about to die. He tried to focus on the stuff the shrink had told him, relaxing his muscles, deep breathing. He focused on Maddie and her sweetness and generosity.

The flashbacks hadn't been happening as much. They'd told him he should see a doctor back home if he continued to have them, along with all the other symptoms they'd alerted him to. He hadn't gone to anyone because they'd been diminishing. He was sleeping better, for the most part, unless Maddie and Aidan were having sex in the next room. The nightmares had been fewer and farther between. He wasn't worried about PTSD; he was strong. Just every once in a while, he had these flashbacks when something triggered strong emotion inside him. He got...scared.

He still felt moments of helplessness. And shame. Also Maddie had called on him feeling guilty because he'd survived when others hadn't. Yeah, that was huge. That feeling of being completely different from others persisted...or maybe returned. He'd felt like that when he was younger, confused about his sexuality, messed up by the abuse his mother had dealt him, guilty about leaving her to her fucked-up life.

Meeting Aidan and then Maddie, having their friendship, having people he felt like he did fit in with had helped a lot. Then, even though he'd left Chicago unhappy, learning more about himself through BDSM had further strengthened his confidence. But it was hard not to feel a bit like a misfit when he was staying with Maddie and Aidan, and their relationship was different now. Before, they'd all been a trio. He'd loved them both and felt they'd both cared about him. Now...they were a couple. Established. In love. He stood apart from that now, despite their friendship and their efforts to include him.

He'd gotten past this hurdle-he'd bought a new camera, so he must have some anticipation of taking pictures again at some point. The frozen emotional numbness that he'd wanted to maintain was thawing, against his will. He didn't need to see a shrink. He'd be fine.

Maddie wandered back out and into the kitchen, now dressed in a pair of soft shorts that left her sexy legs bare, and a loose, thin T-shirt. "I'm going to have a beer," she called to him. "Want one?"

"Sure." He rose and joined her in the kitchen, standing beside her to peer into the fridge at the choices. They each pulled out a cold bottle. Zack took her bottle and opened it for her, then handed it back.

"Thanks." She smiled.

He opened his own and took a swallow, leaning against the counter as she closed the fridge door. Awareness prickled over his skin with her standing so close to him, smelling like exotic fruit and flowers that made him think of a pink sunset, and her soft arm brushing his. He watched her lift her own bottle to her mouth, her pretty lips closing around the rim to drink. He wanted to imagine those lips closed around something else...

"Aidan should be home soon." The glum twist of her mouth did not indicate pleasure at that. Zack frowned. "We've had such a crazy week, we're going to order in pizza and stay home tonight. Sound good?"

"Yeah. Whatever. This is your place. Maybe I should go out and give you two some time alone."

"No." Her quick response made him frown again. "I mean, that's okay." She bent her head.

He reached out and tipped her chin up. "Did you talk to him, Maddie?"

Her gaze shifted away from his. She didn't need to ask him about what. "Yeah."

"And...?"

She turned a little away from him.

"Sorry." He withdrew his hand and held it palm out. "Not my business. Never mind."

She shook her head, silky dark brown hair falling over her face. "I shouldn't have brought it up with him. He doesn't want to do it. We're trying to pretend we never discussed it, but, of course, we both know we did. God. I'm so stupid."

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I guess that wasn't very good advice I gave you."

She sighed. "It's not your fault. It's all just...I don't know." Then she met his eyes. "I'm scared. If neither of us is completely satisfied, what does that mean for us? I know Aidan loves me, and I love him. We'd never cheat on each other. But I worry that over time we'll become more and more unhappy together."

Jesus Christ.

Fuck, he hated seeing her looking so worried. Was she seriously afraid this was something that was going to affect her and Aidan's relationship? He set his beer down on the counter and reached for her. He pulled her into a hug, pressing her head against his chest. "I don't know what to say, baby. I don't think that will happen." Christ, what was he, a marriage counselor? He was so the wrong person for this kind of talk. What the hell did he know about relationships?

Her breath hitched and her body trembled. "I don't want to lose him. Things are weird now. I'm afraid."

She felt so damn good in his arms, her soft body pressed to his, the scent of her hair filling his head. He was getting hard, and that was so wrong. He was comforting her. That was all.

She wrapped her arms around his middle and held on too, a soft little sob escaping her.

"It's okay, baby." He rubbed her back. He felt her worry and pain like it was his own, and fuck, he did not want to feel shit like that. When he felt stuff, it was always too much, too intense. He had to keep those walls up.

The sound of the condo door opening had them both jerking apart. Maddie swiped at her wet cheeks with both hands, her gaze fastened on Zack's as he took a step back and picked up his beer.

What? Why were they reacting that way? They were friends and he was comforting her.

They were reacting that way because they were guilty. She didn't want Aidan to know she was upset. Zack didn't want Aidan to know that he was hot for Aidan's girlfriend.

Chapter Eight.

Zack lifted his beer as Aidan appeared. Aidan looked the supremely successful businessman in an expensive, well-tailored suit, like he'd spent the day in an elegant office telling people what to and solving problems and making money. And from the sound of his job, that was what he did, although Zack had also heard about visits to construction sites, tense negotiations and long stressful hours.

Zack took a big swallow of beer. Crisp bubbles burned their way down his throat.

"Hey." Aidan looked at them both. "What's up?"

"Not much. Maddie and I are just having a beer."

"Great idea. I'll have one too."

Maddie turned to open the fridge again. When she handed Aidan the beer, he leaned in and kissed her forehead. "Hi, sweetheart."

"Hi."

Zack watched them.

He hadn't seen much of them this week. Now he observed the new tension between them. Yeah. Maddie was right. Things were weird.

He kept watching them as she and Aidan talked about their day and what kind of pizza to order. They weren't mad at each other. It wasn't hostility. He sensed Maddie's worry, but Aidan...Aidan seemed off. Zack couldn't quite get a read on him. Usually he was good at that.

"What were you up to today?" Aidan asked him.

"Zack bought a new camera!" Maddie announced.

Aidan gave him an alert glance, but just nodded. "Great. You'll have to show it to me. Take any pictures yet?"

Zack appreciated his casual response. "Not yet."

Aidan went to change out of his suit while Maddie hunted up a couple of pizza menus. Zack sat on a stool at the kitchen counter and watched the rain turn the view through the windows into a silvery abstract blur. Christ. He'd thought seeing Maddie and Aidan together as a couple would be hard. Seeing them as an unhappy couple was worse.

He almost smiled at himself. It had hurt him to know they were together, without him, but he knew now he'd never wish for anything bad for them.

The fuck of it was, he knew exactly what they needed.

And he knew he could give it to them.

His heart kicked against his sternum. Would he really try to do something?

He could help them.

Or he could irrevocably destroy their friendship.

His mind spun with pros and cons, possible consequences both good and bad.

Aidan walked out from the bedroom wearing loose, knee-length gray athletic shorts and a T-shirt, his beer in one hand, his cell phone in the other. "Okay, what's the verdict?"

Zack gazed back at him blankly.

"Pizza?"Aidan prompted. "Where are we ordering from?"

"Guiseppe's." Maddie held up a takeout menu. "I really like their special."

Aidan nodded. "Fine by me. Extra large. I'm starving."

"Can we get a salad too?" Maddie asked. "Their house salad."

"And breadsticks," Zack added. They looked at him. "Hey, you're trying to fatten me up."

They all grinned.

"I'll buy," he added.