10.

"A heart attack?" Alanna's hoarse whisper was barely audible, though the tremor of fear that passed through her could not have escaped the awareness of the man who had a strong hold on her shoulders. When disbelief yielded to the look of sorrow on Alex's face she leaned full against him and moaned her anguish. He held her quietly, undemandingly, offering the sheer comfort of his presence until she felt able to learn more.

"When?" She looked up at Alex.

"About two hours ago."

"But I saw him at the office at five."

"It happened shortly after he got home."

Alanna gasped. "Elaine...?"

"Elaine is at the hospital. That was Jake's secretary who called. When there was no answer at your place Elaine suggested she try here."

Alanna's voice was choked for a moment, during which time she could only appreciate the fact that Alex was here with her, offering his silent strength. Finally she spoke falteringly. "Is it bad?"

"He's holding his own, but it was a major attack. The next two or three days will be critical."

Slowly Alanna stepped back from Alex and looked aimlessly around the room, seeming to search for direction in the inanimate objects before her. When that failed her she dug within to find her reserve of levelheadedness. Turning back to Alex, she spoke softly. "I'd like to go to the hospital. Elaine may need some company."

Alex's voice was sympathetic. "I was going to suggest as much. Come on, I'll drive you right over. You'll feel better once you're with Elaine and can see Jake's condition for yourself."

The drive to the hospital seemed endless to Alanna. What would she find when she got there? Jake and Elaine had come to mean so much to her. If something happened to Jake ...

"Try to relax." Alex urged her gently from her somber preoccupation, giving her hand a squeeze. "Modern medicine can do wonders."

"But he isn't even sixty! There's so much more living for him to do. I don't understand it.... He's had no trouble with his heart before! Oh, Alex ... Elaine needs him so badly!" It was a moment of true weakness for Alanna. Somehow the luxury of having Alex's sturdy figure beside her allowed her to show the feelings, to express the thoughts, that she might otherwise have bottled up. Absurd as it was to argue with him about the improbability of Jake's falling victim to heart disease, she felt the need to voice her frustration and helplessness. Alex recognized that need, as he always seemed able to do.

"Until we hear otherwise, Alanna," he soothed her, "let's try to think positive. Chances for recovery from heart attacks nowadays are excellent. There are new medicines, with more approved every year, to greatly reduce the chances of follow-up attacks."

She pondered his words, clinging desperately to them. "I only hope you're right," she sighed in prayer.

He was. By the end of the weekend Jake's condition had stabilized so much that the prognosis for full recovery was good. Though still in the intensive care unit, he had spoken several times with Alanna, assuring her that he felt better and expressing his concern over Elaine, who stayed with him in the hospital. Alex was a comfort to both women. Alanna, for one, didn't know what she would have done without his ever-present moral support.

On Sunday night, when Alex returned with her to her apartment, where they had spent both previous nights, Alanna was particularly quiet. Jake had spoken of other things shortly before she'd left his room, things she didn't want to face until the morning. As always, Alex sensed her wish, coaxing her into several hours worth of chess before leading her to bed. If he had been troubled that night she was too engrossed in her own thoughts to notice. Yet there was a tenderness to his lovemaking that touched her.

It was as though he spent longer looking, tasting, touching her than ever before, as though some deep need had to be satisfied by a slow reacquaintance. Alanna let herself fall under his spell, gladly seeking out the escape from the world of reality that his impassioned virility demanded. There was something poignant in their coming together that night, something that she would not understand until the following morning, when Alex woke her earlier than usual.

"I have to run now, love." He sounded strangely tired.

Blinking away her own fatigue, she struggled to sit up. He was dressed already. "Why so early, Alex? Is something wrong?"

His smile was sad. "Not really. Well, perhaps. I'm not quite sure."

Startled into alarm by his uncharacteristic waffling, she awoke fully. "What is it?"

"I'm going now." He repeated his first words, but there was a new finality about them. "You've got a very busy day ahead of you."

So, he had guessed what Jake's request had been. She had known he would. "I don't really have a choice, do I?" she whispered. "He's been so good to me. He gave me that very first chance. Now that he's down I've got to fill in for him."

Alex stared intently at her. "Acting President of WallMar Enterprises is nothing to apologize for, love. You'll do just fine." Again there was an uncomfortable hint of farewell in his words, upsetting Alanna far more than the prospect of what faced her at work.

Mustering a steadiness of voice, she asked the question that seemed inevitable. "Will I see you tonight?" And the answer, too, seemed inevitable. It had only been a matter of time.

"Not tonight, Alanna," he said gently, reaching up to trace the gentle line of her cheek.

Her breath caught, making speech difficult. Still she forced herself. "Why not? What is it, Alex? Do you have other plans?"

His charcoal gaze speared her reproachfully. "You know I don't."

"Then why?" She felt as though the rug were being pulled out from under her and she struggled for balance. Yes, she had suspected that the time would come when she would have to make a choice. Wasn't that what she had always feared-the choice between career and love? Alex had told her once that there need not be a choice. Was he changing his stance? But why now, when she needed his support so badly?

As though reading her thoughts once more, Alex sighed, looked straight at her and spoke softly. "I want you to listen to me carefully, love, and don't interrupt. I'm not sure I can repeat this. It's taken me a good part of the night to formulate these thoughts-"

"Then it really is over." She struggled for calm, interrupting him against his orders. "Come the time that you can't sleep with me..." What might have been humorous once was not so now.

"Listen, Alanna!" he fairly shouted, his own tension written clearly on his beloved features as she scanned them, one by one. "You have a very important period ahead of you. You're right; you really don't have a choice. Jake needs you to take over his job for a month or two until he gets back on his feet." Alanna listened to his words, feeling a chill seep deeper into her with each one. Her protective hand drew the covers up more tightly about her as she leaned against the headboard.

"I think that, during this period, it might be best if we took a break from one another. It's been an intensive few weeks..."

"Don't you love me?" Her words were choked off as he interrupted her.

"Of course I love you, Alanna. Nothing can change that." The fierceness of his tone convinced her, yet she couldn't assimilate what he was trying to tell her.

"Then why?"

"Because you need time and I've run out of patience. Don't you see, Alanna? I want to marry you. I want you to be my wife, career and all." When she would have jumped to accept out of panic he went determinedly on. "But I know you. This is the apex, love. This is the high point, at least one of them, of your career. You need to be able to give it your all, the way you would have a month ago, before you met me. You need to work through this yourself."

Alanna lay frozen, feeling the receding of a world of warmth and beauty, sunshine and sharing that had become a very important part of her. Alex sat by the side of the bed, looking as handsome as ever despite the invisible burden that seemed to weigh him down. Her instinct was to comfort him, to throw herself into his arms in search of that same comfort. Her heart screamed for him, urging her to agree to be his wife, clamoring that she do something, anything, to keep him by her side.

Her mind, however, knew Alanna Evans. Her mind knew, likewise, that Alex was right. This was a battle she had to fight on her own if she was ever to come to him with a free heart. It was an awesome challenge. Could she meet it and survive?

The pain of their impending separation edged her voice with a thin, barely wavering timber. "When will I see you?" Her gaze was luminous as it savored every last minute of him.

This, too, he had thought out. "That's up to you, Alanna. Once you get to WallMar today and take over at Jake's desk you're going to be suddenly immersed in corporate business that will demand every bit of your inner resources. I know you can do it; I think you know it, too. But I can't begin to predict when you'll be able to emerge." He paused, studying her with an intensity that spoke of his own immersion in the emotional abyss they shared. "You know where I'll be ... when you're ready...."

With that he stood and headed for the door. "Alex...!" Panic threatened to crumble every defense Alanna thought she'd possessed. Only a last-minute shred of reason held her back. When the tall dark figure turned on the threshold for a final look back she forced a weak smile and an even weaker whisper. "You never did tell me what that treat was...."

He had been several steps behind her, totally lost in the act of leaving. Then confusion gentled to indulgence as he shook his head, sighed, then gazed at her a final time. "A sauna. I had a small sauna installed at the apartment. You would have enjoyed it...."

This time when he turned his step did not falter. Alanna's hand flew to her mouth to smother the cry that hovered in her throat. Gone. He was gone. The carpet muffled his footsteps, yet the gentle closing of the front door was as definitive as a gunshot. Gone. Gone!

She didn't know how long she sat without moving. On the heels of silence came an acceptance of what had happened. Then came an outpouring of emotion-of trembling, of chills, of utter dejection, of near terror-and a gradual calming as she finally, inevitably, pulled herself together.

He was right. A challenge stood before her which she had to face, once and for all. But Alex had only mentioned half of what was ahead. Yes, there was the challenge of heading WallMar Enterprises and knowing herself to be at the top, the very top, of the ladder. There was also, however, the test of her future. Having sampled life with Alex Knight, now she would relive life alone. You know where I'll be ... when you're ready, he had said. What he hadn't said was that she should come to him only when she was ready for that total commitment. Should she find, in the next few weeks, that life at the top held everything she wanted-without him-she would be on her own. The implication was clear. He would bother her no more.

A pervasive sense of loneliness maintained a hold on her as she quietly moved from the bed, showered and dressed for the day. She felt strangely numb, as though the same emotions Alex had unleashed with his entrance into her life had now been temporarily erased. Reason alone remained. As she neared the WallMar complex it was reason that took charge, reason that gave her courage, reason that outlined her plan of attack. Take the offensive, he had said. Confront them head-on. Demand more of them. Don't be afraid.

Chin cocked at an angle of self-assurance, Alanna Evans entered WallMar Enterprises, strode down the long corridor to the office of Jake Wallace, spent several precious moments engrossed in thought and took a deep, deep breath before calling in the staff who now worked for her. Hands clenched on the arms of her chair, where no one could see them, she addressed them quietly, deliberately, forcefully.

"There are twelve of us here," she began, looking from one to the other of the sometimes curious, sometimes skeptical, sometimes openly antagonistic faces of the men who were sharing the office with her, some standing, some lounging against windowsills and some sitting in the few scattered chairs. "It's up to the twelve of us to keep WallMar Enterprises moving, and moving forward, during Jake's recovery." In a momentary diversion she softened, explaining the latest on Jake Wallace's condition as the hospital had reported it to her shortly before she'd left her apartment. That, however, was the extent of the amenities she offered. When she paused for a breath, then began again, there was a strength, a maturity in her voice that perked up even the most irreverent ears in the room.

"Let me begin by saying," her gaze was steady, "that I am well aware of the skepticism many of you feel, and the resentment. Without stooping to answer the ludicrous charges that have already been made against me in the past I would like to move forward. Standing in Jake's shoes may be the greatest challenge I'll ever face. Here is your opportunity and mine. I'm prepared to prove that I've earned my right to stand before you. If I fail now you may believe what you want. But if I succeed I will demand your respect." Pausing for a moment, she forced her hands to relax, folding them on the desk before her.

"Unfortunately," her tone was even as she continued, "I can't run WallMar Enterprises on my own. I'll need all your help. You are indispensable to this organization ... and to me. However," her gaze narrowed behind the tinted lenses, "if I find that any one of you refuses to give his all I will have no compunction whatsoever in dismissing him." An imperceptible stirring passed through the group; they had not expected such a speech. "Are there any questions?"

When there seemed to be no immediate rebellion Alanna felt that she had won a minor victory. Minor ... but a victory nonetheless. "Fine, then. I'm already familiar with the general workings of each of your departments. Now I need to hear the details as Jake knows them. You will all have somewhat more responsibility than you may have had before because I simply cannot shoulder it all at the start. But I would like to meet with each of you today, starting with you, Craig," she eyed the chief of marketing, "at ten. I want you to tell me exactly what your department is up to right now, what's pending for the week, what problems need immediate attention. There will be some overlap and much of what you say I may be familiar with. But I don't want to miss any bases. Understood?"

Amid the nods and low-murmured words of agreement there were no outward signs of complaint. There were questions from several, suggestions from one or two, but Alanna was able to handle them all with remarkable skill. She had passed the first hurdle; Alex would have been proud. Yes, there was a definite tension existing among this group, but that was inevitable. It would be a time of testing, as she had told them. She would be on trial-in their eyes, in Jake's eyes, in her own eyes. As for Alex, some deep, private instinct told her of his faith in her. It was the knowledge of this faith that had given her the strength to face these men, some of whom might well be hostile beneath the skin. Alex would be with her, she knew, in both mind and heart throughout this trial. His presence in her life had affected her deeply; his physical absence now could not rob her of the memories of richness, warmth and love, all of which stood behind her as she faced this professional challenge.

Time and again as the days passed she asked herself if she was ready to call him. Despite her preoccupation with WallMar Enterprises, he was never far from her mind. Could she agree to his terms? Could she agree to become his wife, to bear his children, to share her career? And time and again she saw the wisdom of Alex's distance. It was simply too easy the other way ... too easy to go on indefinitely loving and enjoying without further commitment. Painful as it was, he had been right. Until every last doubt was erased from her mind she had to remain alone.

The siege lasted for a month. During that time Alanna learned more about WallMar Enterprises than she had ever dreamed possible. By the end of the first week, she had the cooperation, albeit at times reluctant, of the men she had confronted that first day. By the end of the second week she had their cautious and conditional enthusiasm. By the end of the third week she had their reluctant respect. From there it was free sailing.

The last week, in particular, was painful for Alanna. She had neither heard from nor seen Alex and she missed him terribly. Despite her gruelling schedule she thought of him constantly. There was little time in the twelve hours a day spent at the office for personal considerations, or during the hour or two spent each evening with Jake and Elaine, first at the hospital, then at their home after Jake was discharged. Each night-each long, sleep-disturbed night-was devoted to Alex.

It was a time of soul-searching. Yes, she missed him. But what, exactly, did she miss? She missed his quiet company at the end of each day, his unfailing support, his eager enthusiasm. She missed the sounding board that he had become to her in such a very short time. She missed, to her astonishment, his sense of protectiveness, even the possessiveness she might have minded in the past. She missed his smile, his eyes, his hands and chest and shoulders. And she missed the way he made her feel-complete and satisfied-in his arms.

Sleep was an elusive quality once more. Alex's lovemaking had exhausted her physically, but there had been far more to it than that. More even than exhaustion, the secret of her deep sleep in Alex's arms was contentment, peace, a sense of safety. It was the knowledge that he loved her, that he needed her, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Out of sight he was. Certainly not out of mind. He filled her senses, her thoughts, her heart, her deepest, most secret core. The pain of missing him was invisible, intangible and absolutely excruciating. And it grew daily, a bristly weed among the daisies. It was a thorn in her side, embedding itself deeper and deeper. It was a blotch on an otherwise astounding report card. It was a gaping void craving fulfillment.

By the end of that fourth week, having convinced herself, her co-workers, and Jake of the smooth and forward progress of the business under her direction, the moment of truth was at hand. She had done it, had proven what she had set out to prove. As acting President of WallMar Enterprises she had won the respect of the skeptics. Through action, rather than words, she had disproven the scandalous claims of that now-distant newspaper article. Yet she still faced the moment of truth, the moment when there was no longer any question in her mind.

The nights, long nights of loneliness, had painted dark smudges beneath her eyes. The days, long days of work, had left her satisfied, yet not satisfied. When she found herself with her hand on the phone, as it had been nearly every night that month, she knew she could wait no longer. It was a matter of simple honesty. Honesty to herself. Honesty to Alex. Honesty to the love they shared.

"Hello?" His voice was deep and low, sending an instant bolt of pleasure through her. Yet suddenly emotion choked off all sound. Emotion-that same emotion that, had gone unexpressed, that had kept her up, night after night-now welled with frightening force. "Hello?" Alex repeated the word, challenging her, this last time, to respond.

"Alex...?" she whispered. There was no sound from the other end of the wire. "Alex ... can I see you?" When there was still no response, she panicked. Had he changed his mind, after all? "Alex?"

"I'm here, love." He spoke thickly, the distancing effect of the telephone disguising the depth of his own emotion. "Are you ready?"

There was the question, the thought connecting past with present, present with future.

Alanna had no doubts. "I'm ready. I'm on my way to your place. Will you ... will you...?" Be there seemed far too maudlin. "Will you ... heat up the sauna?"

Later they would both laugh at the improbable location for a reunion and the spontaneity with which the thought of it had popped to her mind. For now, emotion ran far too high for humor.

"It's hot and waiting, Alanna," his thick tones beckoned. Without a second thought, Alanna headed home.

It was not the sauna that took first priority upon her arrival at his apartment. Rather, it was the pair of arms that folded her to him, the voice that whispered words of love in her ear, the tall, dark man who held her away from him to drink in her presence as she devoured his.

"Talk to me, Alanna," he ordered softly, leading her to the sofa and sitting beside her. "Before anything happens I need you to tell me what's changed in that mind of yours to bring you here."

But Alanna was too drugged with love to want to talk. Reaching for him, she locked her arms about him, seeking his heartbeat, savoring it until he set her back purposefully. "Can't we talk later, Alex?" she whispered, craning to kiss the rugged line of his jaw.

That old, familiar eyebrow arched. "I dare you to talk now, love. Let's see what kind of self-control you really have!"

"Alex! That's unfair," she chided in soft frustration. Every nerve end craved his touch, every sense cried for his possession. But at the moment Alex's need for the words he'd waited so long to hear was far greater. The vulnerability in his expression told her that. He had been free and open with his feelings from the start; it was only fair that, now that she finally understood her own more clearly, she share them.

"I love you," she whispered, though she dropped her arms in acquiescence.

"What else is new?" There was a barbed resignation in his tone.

For a moment she pondered it. "I deserved that. I have been ... stubborn, haven't I?"

"Uh-huh." The smiled that toyed with the corners of his lips was genuine. Glorying in it, she found herself spurred on.

"I'm ready, Alex, ready to make that commitment."

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

When he shook his dark head she was taken aback. "Not good enough," he announced firmly. "You've loved me for some time now. What makes you suddenly want marriage?"

As she looked into his eyes she saw those silver sparkles, held in abeyance, waiting to burst forth. On impulse, and quite inappropriately, she grinned. "You know, when I was a little girl I had a game that worked with wires and batteries. It was a quiz game, question-and-answer type thing. If you made the right connection the red light went on." Mischief sparkled in her own eyes as slowly, slowly she felt the chill that had occupied her body since the morning Alex had left begin to dissipate.

"What on earth does that have to do with anything?" the cause of the thaw growled deeply.

"It means that your eyes will be my reward when I give the correct answer. Your silver sparkles ... they're waiting...."

"I'm waiting," he reminded her in warning.

At that instant, abruptly sobering, Alanna knew that it was time to end the waiting. For them both. Forever. "These four weeks have been an experience I needed, Alex. They've opened my eyes in many ways." When she reached for his hand he allowed her to take it, yet he sat silent, waiting. "You were right when you insisted I do it alone. I've lived my whole adult life that way. If I hadn't done it alone now I might always have wondered, wondered whether I had it in me, whether I might have made it, whether I would have been sufficient to the task and whether it would have been enough for me."

"And?" His features finally began to relax. Suddenly Alanna found her hand covered by his in a subtle but meaningful turnaround.

"No, it wasn't. I've seen the top of the ladder, reached the heights I'd hoped, in my wildest dreams, to reach. And no, it wasn't enough. I've learned that I can make it, that I can be president if I want. But I don't." She sighed, nearing the end of her control. "These past four weeks have been the busiest I've ever lived through. But I've never been as lonely in my entire life." His image blurred before her as her eyes suddenly filled with tears. "I need you, Alex. I need to be with you, to know that you're here when I come home, to be here for you. That world out there has no meaning unless you're in it with me."

A solitary tear trickled down her pale cheek as Alex drew her against him, ending their separation for all time. "I've missed you, owl-eyes," he groaned, hugging her tightly, absorbing her memories of pain and loneliness and unfulfilled desire, exorcising his own in the process. "These have been the worst days I ever hope to spend."

Alanna turned her luminous cocoa gaze to his features. Now she saw them clearly-the exhaustion, the strain, the drawn look that must have mirrored her own.

"You did wait," she whispered in awe, daring to voice that one most devastating fear for the time spent apart.

"Of course I waited! Did you think I wouldn't?"

"I tried not to think of that possibility. You do have the patience of a saint."

"Patience, love, had nothing to do with it. I damn near lost my mind wondering when you'd come to your senses."