"'What the ---- are you lookin' at me for? Can't you mind your own bloomin' business,' sez 'e. So I ups and sez what came to me all of a flash:--

"'Yer no more Ben Jones than I be, and what's more----'

"Before I gets out another word 'e grips 'old of my hands and looks as though 'e was a-goin' down on 'is bended knees afore me.

"'For Gord's sake, Bill, don't blow on me. I've been a-dodgin' of you so careful, and you was the only one I was a-feared on. I've allus been civil to 'e, Bill--I'll give 'e my rations of grog, Bill--I'll do anythin' for ye so long as yer leaves me alone.'

"All this came a-rushin' from 'is mouth like a water-shoot in summer that 'as been froze for 'arf the year. Then I slaps my knee and bursts into a roar.

"'Good Gord, Jenny,' sez I, 'this 'ere is a go! It's a desp'rate game you're a-playin' of.'

"'D'ye think,' she sez, 'I'd play it if I weren't desp'rate, too? 'Ere was Jim and I just married, and I not on the "strength" and 'e a-goin'

sails set for the grave. Oh! I seed it, sure as I stands 'ere, and I sez to mysel', wot's the fun of bein' twin with Ben if can't go like 'im, an' fight shoulder to shoulder with my Jim? Wot's the good of this 'ere life without 'im, a-fillin' and a-swillin' and nothin' more?--for that's all's left for wummin when their 'earts is cut in two.'

"I put up my 'and, for there was someone a-comin', and we went on a-cleanin' of the stalls; but d'rectly I was able I stalked Trooper Jones and got the rest o' the 'istory out o' 'im. Course, I asks after Ben, our real 'Carrots.' And she larfs with 'er mouth a-gape and 'er white strong teeth a-shinin'.

"'Ben?' she sez, 'O, 'e was that sick 'e couldn't say me nay; he was jist rolled up in bed like a worm, and fit to stay there a week or two.

Nothing pisonous, mind you; but all's fair in love or war, and this 'ere game is both. So I got 'is kit and jist marched along at daybreak wi'

the lot of you. You should 'a' seed Jim's face when 'e recognises me. He didn't guess whether 'e was glad nor glum, so he cussed like a good 'un, and that did dooty either way.'

"Young Jenny larfed till the tears came a-rollin' down 'er uniform.

"'Yer brother's in for a nasty business," sez I.

"'Not a bit of it. I've settled it. 'E'll dye 'is carrots and imigrate.

Father'll see to 'im; 'e never 'ad the const.i.tootion as was given to compensate me for being a----'

"'Hold,' sez I, 'the timbers 'ave ears. I am a-goin' to forget as there's any amphibus animals 'ereabouts; there's only troopers and 'osses as I knows of.'

"'Gord bless you, Bill! None of the other chaps 'ave twigged, and I've scarce throwed a word at Jim since we got afloat. But I looked at 'im and 'e at me, and folks with one 'eart between 'em don't need for words.'"

Here the narrator put a square thumb over the brim of his pipe and pressed the weed almost tenderly.

"In time," he went on, "I got quite proud o' young Jones, 'e was as smart a dragoon as any, an 'orsemaster every inch of 'im. Why, the way 'ed whisper into the ear of them beasts would make 'em meek were they contrary ever so....

"It took us over fifty days a-journeyin' past Malta and Constantinople and the Black Sea. I was landed fust with one or two others to report oursel's to Gen'ral the Earl of Lucan, who was a-commandin' of the Cavalry Division. Jones and Jenkins and the rest of our fellers came over fully accoutred in 'orse-boats, each at the 'ead of 'is charger. We soon 'ad work enough, I can tell you, a tent pitchin' and gettin'

rations and makin' oursel's understood. The town was choke full o'

ruffians, Turks, Jews, Armenians, Greeks, all a-jawing in diff'rent tongues and a quarrellin' like magpies over a bit of offal. 'Ere Jones was full o' spirits, a-larfin' and a-swearin' with the best of us. 'E 'ad a way about 'im as licked the sourest grumbler into shape. And the gals, such as they was, fancied 'is jovial mug and made eyes at 'im. It was a rum sight to watch the poor things a-wastin' ammunishun on one of their own s.e.x. I mind me of a wivandeer of the Cha.s.seurs D'Afrique, a smart young la.s.s in red trousers and a dark tunic, with 'er plumed 'at all c.o.c.keye on 'er head, and 'er legs astride the saddle--she was quite took up with Jones. And afterwards the Bulgarian gals was nuts on 'im, too. Jones would give us real pantomimes a-s.n.a.t.c.hin' o' kisses from one or another of 'em when they came to fill their wessels at the well.

"'E was good at work or play was 'Carrots.' Right well 'e came out of it when we 'ad to turn our 'ands to odd jobs, such as mowin' and reapin'

and cookin', cos 'is fingers weren't thumbs like ours war. And at skirmishin' and outpost drill, and a-chargin' in line and by squadrons, he was real smart too; 'e took to them manoeuvres as a duck takes to water, with niver a growl nor a grumble, 'owever 'ard the work.

"But a bad day it was for 'im when the cholera broke up our camp at Devno; it takes the strong 'uns fust, and then swoops down promiscus-like. Poor Jenkins got bad just as we was a-tired of buryin'

an' 'earin' nothin' but the 'Dead March,' which made the sick all of a tremble to know which would be the next to be took. 'E was down with it the wery day as we got orders to start for the Crimea. We was to march the next mornin' for Varna, and most of the night was spent in packin'

up.

"Jones, 'e comes to me like one stark mad, beatin' of 'is breast and a-cursin' at the back o' 'is teeth.

"'Jim's that bad,' says 'e, 'they don' know as whether there's any 'ope for 'im.'

"'They're preparin' of arabas to carry the sick,' sez I, to console 'im.

"'Gord, Gord,' 'e sez, 'that's jest it. All the sick as might get well will go, and the others--they'll be left be'ind afore the breath's out of 'em. I 'eard someone a-sayin' there was no use in movin' of 'em as was as good as dead.'

"And sure enough next mornin' I larnt that Jones was right. Revelly sounded at three, and by six every man was on parade. Arabas, drawn by bufferloes, was packed wi' sick, the dyin' was left in 'ospital with orderleys and a sawbones to keep 'em company. They must ha' 'eard us marchin', marchin' away--them poor, animated corpses, with jest the regilation number o' gasps between 'em and eternity--but most on us was too busy to think on abstrac' things at sich a time."

"How about Jenkins?" I asked, seeing that my friend's mind had gone wool-gathering over the whole panorama of the war.

"Oh, 'e was safe enough; 'e took a turn for the better at the last moment, and they moved 'im into the arabas along with the rest, but Jones looked 'iself badly enough. 'E comes to me the nex' night and brings this 'ere lock of 'air in 'is 'and.

"'If I'm took,' sez 'e, 'give it to Jim and tell 'im to wear it on 'is 'eart for the love of "Carrots" as was.'

"I put the 'air in my 'aversack careless-like, and gave 'im a drink o'

rum neat, which was better nor talk. It kippers the cholera out o' one fine.

"'The likes of you and me is always spared,' sez I, a-larfin'; 'rubbish ain't marketable aloft.'

"And spared 'e was, and would 'ave been to this day, along with this 'ere lumber, but for 'is cussed fool'ardiness....

"Things was lively for a bit afore and after the victory o' the Alma, the pertikilars of which I have reported to you. I scarce clapped eyes on Jones or Jenkins, but they was engaged in skirmishin' along with the rest of us.

"On the day that Captain Nolan came a-gallopin' in with that there momentous paper, Jones sez to me, 'There's somethin' up,' and we saw Lord Lucan and Lord Cardigan a-lookin' at them guns. The enemy had ranged 'em across the walley about a mile and a-'arf orf, with a field batt'ry on the 'ill on our left front, and another between the redoubts and the walley on our right. Captain Nolan was a-pointin', and the generals was a-confabulatin'. Then we was told to mount and move orf at a trot. The first thing that 'appens was poor Captain Nolan a-gettin'

shot almost afore we broke into a gallop. 'E was struck by a bit o'

sh.e.l.l, and d'rectly after the guns began a-playin' on us all, and the air was 'eavy with groans and curses and screams of men and 'orses a-fallin' to right and left like nine-pins. Jenkins and Jones was with me on the right of the line, Jenkins as blue as a corpse, and Jones flushed and savage-like, avoidin' as best 'e could the 'orses without riders as still kept pace with us, and the press of men and beasts a-jostlin' to close to the centre. We couldn't see where we was a-goin'

cos o' the power 'o smoke, nor 'ear 'cos o' the boomin' and bustin' and b.u.mpin' round the 'ill-side. Then bang I goes. A sh.e.l.l 'ad caught my poor 'orse in the shoulder, and over 'e rolls and I under 'im, fortunately covered from the explodin' pieces as would 'ave settled me 'ad they 'ave reached me. Jest as I was beginnin' to wonder whether I was really breathin', over my 'ead comes the second line a-gallopin' for all they was worth. 'Twas a near squeak that, and I was mighty 'mazed to find that never a 'oof 'ad come nigh so much as a finger o' me. At last I got clear of my poor beast--'e was only a dead 'ulk, all 'is fore quarters bein' blown away--and tried to stand. It was precious difficult, an' as I was limpin' in an 'op-and-go fashun, I chanced on Jenkins who 'ad likewise been bowled over, an' was lyin' under 'is 'orse in a pool o' blood. Jones was a-kneelin' by 'is side with 'is left arm clean ripped up. I suspects a splinter from the same sh.e.l.l as caught Jenkins 'ad struck 'im.

"''Elp me to draw 'im out,' sez 'Carrots,' with never a quiver o' the eye.

"I lent a 'and, and Jones with 'is only arm was a-strugglin' to move 'im, but we soon saw we was only causin' of the poor chap unnecessary aginy.

"'It's all up wi' me,' sez Jenkins in a failin' voice. 'Clear out sharp, they're a-firm' from the flank o' the batt'ry at them as is dismounted.'

"'Take care of Jenny,' sez 'e with 'is last breath, and wrings my 'and.

"Then Jones begins a-kneelin' alongside of 'im a-callin' 'im by every sweet name as could be thought on. Oh! it was a pitiful sight to see a big dragoon a-huggin' of another, a-kissin' of 'is lips and 'is 'ands, and 'im stone dead, a-smilin' up at the sky.

"This 'ere 'appened in a minite like, for d'rectly afterwards I sees Jones leap up and catch a 'orse wot 'ad lost 'is rider and mount 'im. 'E just looks once at 'is poor comrade, and out at the 'ills and the guns a-vomitin' smoke. Then 'e starts off--not a-ridin' like woman, nor man, nor 'ero, but a-gallopin' like the wery Devil 'isself, straight into the jaws of 'ell."

There was a pause, during which the old trooper knocked out the ashes of his pipe against the arm of his chair.

"That was the last wot I sees of 'Carrots,'" he said, with a dry smile.

The "Celibate" Club (Dialogue).