aYou mean I carried my own Christmas present?a Toni scolded, and Alana laughed out loud.

aMerry Christmas,a Alana held the large box. aNow I didnat get a chance to wrap it. Paul and I were on our way toaa aOh, gimme. I donat care.a Toni itched with excitement.

Alana grimaced and tentatively offered the box. aIf you donat like it...a She bit at her bottom lip.

Toni eagerly opened the box and took the tissue paper away. She blinked several times and looked at Alana. aItas Nick and Jocelyn andame,a she whispered in awe.

aI drew that a while ago when I was up late and couldnat sleep. I turned it into a watercolor and had it matted. You can pick out the frame. Iall go with you if you want.a Toni was speechless as she gazed at the picture. Alana continued quietly, aYouare just so fond of them and theyare fond of you, so I thoughtaa aItas beautiful. I heard somewhere that some artists sign the back of paintings. Is that right?a Toni asked, and Alana nodded. Toni grinned and handed the picture back to her. aPlease.a Alana took a pen out and struck a thoughtful pose. She then smiled and scribbled on the back of the painting, then handed it back to Toni.

Tonia"

You showed me that beyond the blue horizon there was a rising sun of a beautiful new day.

Thank you for your friendship.

Always, Alana Toni could feel her lip quivering as she gently placed the picture back in the box. She almost reverently placed the tissue paper back over it and closed it, running her fingers over the box. aItas the most wonderful present I ever received,a she said in a quiet voice.

Alana grinned. aMerry Christmas, Toni.a She raised her drink and Toni did the same.

aMerry Christmas, Alana.a They sat in silence for a moment or two. aCan we go get it framed now?a Alana laughed out loud at the serious look on Tonias face. aSure, I know where to go.a *******

aI canat believe youave carried all those boxes today and not one gripe,a Allie said as they piled into the cab. aPaul was complaininga"a She stopped.

aOkay, where is this framing place? I donat care how much it costs, you know,a Toni said firmly.

aI know, but it wonat cost that much.a An hour later, Allie yawned, the clerk looked at his watch, and Toni frowned in contemplation as she held two frames.

aLady, please. We have to close in a half hour, just choose a frame,a he begged, and Allie hid her grin.

Toni glared at the impudent clerk. aLook, pal. I have the artist sitting right over there. You canat rush an artist. What would have happened if somebody rushed Claude Van Gogh, huh?a The clerkas jaw dropped; he blinked and looked as Allie shook her head and pointed to her temple, making a circular motion with her finger.

aToni, I think the one on the right is the best.a Toni nodded. aYou think? Well, youare the expert,a she said, emphasizing the last word for the clerk, who nodded and took the frame.

aItall be ready in a week,a he said.

Toni was astonished. aA week? I donat think it took her that long to paint it,a she said and looked at Allie. aDid it?a aNo.a aSee?a Allie gently pulled at her leather-clad arm while Toni glared at the clerk. aToni, this is normal. You want it to be right, donat you?a aWell, yeah, but a week?a she exclaimed and continued glaring at the clerk. aYou better not let anything happen to that painting.a aIall take good care of it. I promise.a He handled the painting carefully.

Toni nodded and pointed a finger at him. aIall be back in a week.a Allie rolled her eyes and pulled her out of the shop. aYou didnat have to threaten the poor guy,a Allie said as she slipped on her gloves. aOh, Christ!a aWhat? I didnat threaten him, really.a aNo, Paul,a she exclaimed. aHeas got the cell phone.a aUse mine.a Toni fished it out of her pocket and watched as Allie dialed the number. Tonias eyes bugged out of her head as she looked at her watch. aOh, s.h.i.t, Alana. Iam so sorry. G.o.d, heas been sitting there for two hours.a Allie nodded. aI got his voice mail. Paul, Allie. Call this number when you get the message. Iall explain. Bye.a She handed the phone back to Toni, who juggled the presents while she hailed a cab. Two drove right by her. aMerry Christmas, a.s.shoa"a aToni!a By the time they got back to OaSheaas, it was nearly four in the afternoon. Allie rushed in as Toni continued to struggle. Allie looked around. aHeas not here. Can I borrow your phone again?a Toni handed over the phone and set the packages down and wiped the sweat from her brow. aThis is more work than a three-alarm fire.a Allie laughed as she dialed. aPaul, did you get my message?a aHey, um no.a aNo? Well, Iam so sorry.a aNo, Allie. Iam sorry. Iam still at work andaa aWhat? Youare still at work? And just when did you plan on letting me know? Weave been sitting here all afternoon.a aThatas not very fair, Alana,a Toni whispered and stopped when Allie glared. Toni backed up.

aIam sorry, Al. I can be therea"a aNo, Paul. Iall be leaving. Do you want me to pick you up?a aNo, Iall take the train.a aFine, take the train. Iall talk to you later.a She angrily slammed the phone shut and handed it to Toni.

Toni said nothing as she watched Allie seethe; she breathed heavily through her anger and hailed the bartender. aIall have a gin and tonic, and sheall have a Guinness, thank you,a she said calmly and slid onto a barstool. She looked over at Toni, who was wild-eyed. aJoin me.a Toni quickly obeyed and hopped up on the barstool.

They were silent for an uncomfortable amount of time. Allie, still furious with Paul, glanced at Toni, who was nearly finished with her beer.

aYou want me to go back and beat up the clerk?a Toni asked quietly. aI will if you want me to.a

Chapter 13.

The next day was Christmas. Toni stood by her window looking out at the cold Christmas Eve night and drank her coffee.

Kevin and Lidia were at Ma.s.s, then theyad go visit Lidiaas family the next day. Earlier, they all had dinner, which Lidia made, thank G.o.d. They laughed and played Christmas music as they opened presents, and Toni once again had that feeling of belonging, of family. She called Matt and Fran and wished them a Merry Christmas and talked for a while, trying to hold on to that feeling.

Now Toni stood in her living room and snuggled around her the new sweater that Kevin and Lidia had given her. She had that restless feeling again; she felt it creeping up on her. She needed to be alone, needed her solitude. This was the feeling she had after her father took out after her in a drunken tirade. As soon as that image came, she quickly dismissed it.

Instead of dwelling on the past, Toni smiled at the thought of Kevin and Lidia finding each other. Kevin Murphy was a good man. She remembered how good he was to her when she was a young girl. Once her father would pa.s.s out and Toni saw that everyone was safe, Kevin would come and sit with her mother and the young ones. It was those times when Toni felt restless and closed in, but Kevin would always find her at the coffee house and take care of her. He let her have her time to gather herself, then take her home. Yes, Kevin was a good man. And when she was younger, Toni sometimes wished her father would die so Kevin could marry her mother. It almost happened.

When her father fell from that scaffold, Toni felt a relief she never thought possible. The guilt from this followed for a time, but she was a grown woman by then, and the guilt faded quickly. She was relieveda"relieved mostly for her mother who suffered all her life and stayed with a drunk and lived her life as that poet Th.o.r.eau said, in quiet desperation.

But Mrs. OaHara loved her children. Of that, there was no doubt. Toni and the younger ones always felt loved and cared for by their mother, no matter what their father did. She had a maternal instinct that surpa.s.sed all her heartache, all her sorrow.

Instantly, Toni thought of Alana and smiled. She took a deep breath and sat by the open fire and watched the flames flicker in the darkness of her living room. Alana, she thought. She loved her children, as well. Lived her life for them and nurtured them, watched them grow into happy, healthy young adults.

She was still smiling when the phone rang. ah.e.l.lo?a aToni, Merry Christmas,a Alanaas happy voice called out through the line.

Toni grinned widely and sat back. aMerry Christmas, Alana.a She heard the Christmas music in the background and the voices of Nick and Jocelyn.

aNow youare sure youare busy with family tomorrow?a aYep. Between Kevin and Lidia andaeveryone, Iam lucky to be home at all tomorrow. How are the kids? It sounds like you have a houseful.a She smiled as she heard Alanaas lovely laugh. aG.o.d, yes! Nick invited a few friends he hasnat seen in ages. So Iamaa aCooking up a storm,a Toni said affectionately.

aRight again. I wish I had you here, though. You make a good taster.a Toni laughed along. aSave me some.a aOh, I doubt that will happen, OaHara. These boys have heartier appet.i.tes than you do.a They both laughed for a moment. Silence then filled the s.p.a.ce between them.

aI miss you, Toni.a Toni closed her eyes tight and took a deep breath. She then smiled. aI miss you, too. Tell everyone I said Merry Christmas and tell the kids I said h.e.l.lo and Iawell, ya know.a aI know. I will. Merry Christmas.a aMerry Christmas.a Toni sat there listening to the dial tone for a moment before setting the phone on the table. She wanted to be with Alana that night. She wanted to see Nick and Jocelyn. However, she knew Paul might not react well, and how could she do that to Alana and her kids on Christmas Eve, for crying out loud? She angrily ran her fingers through her hair, walked out into the kitchen, and opened a bottle of wine.

Sitting back by the fire, she raised her gla.s.s. aMerry Christmas, Ma,a she whispered and d.a.m.ned the tears that blurred her vision as she gazed at the crackling flames.

On New Yearas Eve, Allie sat in the living room watching old Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movies. She looked over to see Paul sound asleep in the recliner.

She had taken Nick and Jocelyn to the airport the other day. She missed them horribly now. She missed Toni, as well. She glanced at the phone and shook her head and watched television. She glanced at the phone again, the war raging in her heada"to call or not to call. There was no question.

Iam so sure Iam going to call Toni OaHara at midnight. Like sheall be home. A gorgeous lesbian who is single. Home? On New Yearas Eve? I doubt it, she thought.

She pointed the remote at the set and flipped the channels. There was d.i.c.k Clark counting down the seconds. aDoes he ever age?a She laughed quietly. Paul let out a snore to which she turned up the volume.

a5-4-3-2-1, Happy New Year!a Allie smiled and watched the fools laughing and singing. aHappy New Year, Toni,a she whispered and turned off the television. She glanced at Paul, took the afghan, and covered him.

aHappy New Year, Paul,a she said and flipped off the light and quietly walked upstairs.

Chapter 14.

With the holidays over and boring January outside her window, Toni found herself in a grumpy mood. Kevin rolled his eyes. aYou need to get...a aDonat say it, you h.o.r.n.y old man.a Toni growled. She picked up the phone and dialed her friend at work.

aMrs. Sanders,a the soft voice rang through the line, instantly putting Toni in a good mood.

Kevin sighed and walked out. aYouare hopeless.a aHeyaI havenat seen you in two weeks. How about dinner some night?a aSure, how about Thursday? Paulas working late, as usual.a Toni noticed Allie no longer sounded irritated. Her voice held the tone of resignation now.

aIall pick you up from school, howas that?a Toni asked.

aSounds like a plan. Iall be ready.a Toni hung up and smiled. Maybe January wonat be such a cold, boring month.

They sat at the same table at the same bistro. Toni noticed Alana was a bit subdued. aPenny for your thoughts.a aYouall get change.a Toni laughed as she sipped her Irish coffee. Alana sighed deeply. aWow, heavy sigh.a Alana looked at her. aHow do you know if your partner is cheating on you?a Toni had the whipped cream-topped drink to her mouth. She shot a look up, but not before dipping her nose in the whipped cream. Cursing herself, she quickly s.n.a.t.c.hed the napkin and wiped off her nose. aW-what?a aSeriously. Has it ever happened to you?a aYes.a aIam sorry. That was insensitive of me.a aNo, no. Itas all right. Iave already told you part of it. Gina, remember. The snake woman? It was a long time ago. We were together for almost five years. I came home after my shift was over at the firehouse. She wasnat expecting me, and there she was, in bed with another woman.a aGeez! Iam sorry,a Alana said seriously. aWhat a horrible thing to have happen. What did you do?a aYou mean after I made a crazy a.s.s out of myself?a Alana chuckled at the mental picture. aYes, after that.a aI moved out. I probably should have long ago, when she never came to see me in the hospital after I was injured. Anyway, I moved out and never spoke to her again. Until my great luck to run into her when I was with you.a Toni shrugged, then eyed her friend. aYou, um...a aI donat know,a she said, reading Tonias mind. aWeare just not clicking. Heas always, and I mean always, working. And when heas not, weare on pins and needles.a Toni listened, thinking that was exactly what was happening. A guy just doesnat work every Sat.u.r.day. She hoped with all her heart she was wrong.

aWell, I donat know what to think,a Alana said, then stopped. aOkay, enough. Letas talk about something else,a she said. aIt just occurred to me, OaHara, that I know nothing of your life. Iave been blathering all these months about my life and family. Do you have any brothers or sisters? What about your parents? Youave only mentioned your father once, and it wasnat very nice. So...give.a Alana leaned forward and waited.

Toni fidgeted for a moment. aThereas not much to tell,a she said, and Alana shook her head but said nothing. Toni ran her fingers through her hair. aI...wellaa She stopped.

Alana rolled her eyes. aGood grief!a she exclaimed. aOkay. Answer yes or no.a Toni tried not to grin at her tenacity. aNo.a aVery funny. Do you have a brother?a aYes.a aSister?a aYesaall right, look,a Toni said. aIam the oldest, then Matt, then Fran. My father was an alcoholic who used to beat the s.h.i.t out of me on occasion until I nearly killed him. He died drunk, falling off a scaffoldaa She stopped as she saw the look of horror on Alanaas face.

Alana blinked rapidly. aDid he abuse your mother, as well?a she asked softly.

Toni swallowed hard. She hadnat talked about this in ages, certainly not to any other woman. What a mood killer that would have been. Only to Kevin who lived through it, as well.

aToni?a Alana asked quietly.

Toni took a deep breath and let it out slowly. aI-I havenat talked about this in so long. I have no idea why I told you,a she said, honestly stumped.

Alana reached over and gently took her hand. aFor the same reason I talk about Paul and the kids. Now please, youave listened to me, let me be your friend and listen to you. Please tell me.a Toni looked down at their hands. She took a deep breath. aNo, he never raised a hand to anyone but me. Kevin threatened him with murder if he ever laid a hand on my mother. Matt and Fran were too young. I was nearly eight when Matt was born and almost eleven when Fran came along. I donat think my mother, well, I donat think they were conceived out of love,a she said quietly.

aFran...thatas a pretty name.a Toni smiled affectionately. aThat was Mom. She had three favorite saints. Unfortunately, for me and Fran, all three were men. St. Anthony, St. Matthew, and St. Francis of a.s.sisi. So there you go. I became Antonia and Fran became Frances. Matt lucked out.a Alana smiled thinking of Tonias mother. She watched Toni smiling fondly at some memory. Then her gray eyes grew dark as her brow furrowed.

aAnyway, he would get drunk and want to beat up someone, probably because he hated his life, maybe because we didnat have much money. Or maybe, he was just an a.s.sholeaa Alana cringed at her vehemence. aWhy did he only hit you?a aI was his favorite, I guess,a she said with a wry chuckle. aI would run interference. Head go after my mother, and Iad step in and yell at him, egg him on so head come after me. It didnat happen all the time. Just enough to make me hate his guts. When Matt was born, Mom got more protective, but it didnat matter. He wasnat gonna hit his only son. He smacked him a few times but never laid into him likeaa She stopped and swallowed. She looked up to see the look of horror on Alanaas face. aHe only caught me a few times. I got faster as I got older.a Her hands started to shake. as.h.i.t, Iam fifty years old, and my hands still shake at the thought of him.a Alana reached over again and took the clammy hand in her own, amazed when Toni held on tight. aAnyway, that was our life. Head get drunk, Iad take a beating, then head pa.s.s out. Iad get Matt, Fran, and Ma to Grandmaas, then Iad go and hide at Mrs. Walinskias bakery or some coffee house. No one knew where I was, and for just a little while, Iad feel safe...a There was silence for a moment or two. Toni took a drink of water and looked at Alana. aSoaa aWhere is your mother?a aShe died four years ago. Car accident, never knew what hit her.a Alana held on tight to Tonias hand.

aDonat feel sorry for me. I canat stand pity. I mean it,a she said, not looking at her.

aI donat pity you. My heart aches for you, but I donat pity you. You seem to have turned out all right. Where are Matt and Fran?a aMatt is living in Seattle. Fran in Boston. After Ma died, they didnat want to stay in Chicago. They both married and left. I donat blame them for not wanting to come back. Theyaa aWait one minute. You told me you were busy at Christmas with your family.a aI-Iaa aDid they come in for the holiday?a aWell...a aDo not tell me you were alone on Christmas, Toni OaHara,a she said angrily.

Toni stammered. aWell, not Christmas Eve. Umaahaa aWhat about Christmas Day? d.a.m.n it!a she hissed angrily, and Toni winced. aDo you mean to tell me you sat alone on Christmas Day?a aUmaa Alana closed her eyes; she looked as though she were counting to ten. Toni waited. aWhy did you lie to me? Why?a aPaul doesnat like me,a she started and chuckled nervously. aThat sounded so childish. You know what I mean. Iam not an idiot. I know you and Paul are having problems. And while nothing is going on between us, Iam still a lesbian, and to a man whoas having problems with his marriage, thatas a threat. So I didnat want to be the cause of any uneasiness with your family at Christmas. Iam sorry I lied to you.a aDonat ever lie to me again. About anything, I mean it. We would have worked something out anda"a Toni gave her a curious look. aWhy?a Alana blinked. aWhy what?a aWhy would you care to work something out? This is your family. Heas your husband. Iam not worth the trouble.a Alana frowned deeply when she realized Toni was completely serious. aNow you listen to me, Toni OaHara. I will decide what is right for me and my family. You are quite possibly my best friend, and you will always be worth the trouble,a she said with such resolution it took Tonias breath away.

In that instant, Toni knew she loved this woman. She wanted her; she needed her. It was the happiest and saddest moment of her life.

aThank you. That means a great deal to me. You know what I have to do now, donat you?a she asked with a small grin.

aOh, Iam not sure I want to know.a Toni got up, walked around the table, took her friendas hand, and Alana stood. aThis,a she said softly and pulled Alana into a monstrous bear hug, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. aThanks. Youare the best thing thatas ever happened to me,a she whispered, kissed her forehead, and pulled back.

Alana looked up and grinned. aYouare welcome. Being your friend is the best thing thatas happened to me in a long, long while.a They took their respective seats again. aBut donat ever lie to me again,a she scolded, and Toni laughed and agreed.

After dinner with Toni, Allie put on some soft music and indulged herself in a nice hot bath. She lay in the hot steamy bubbles as her mind slipped into nirvana.

She tried not to think of the problems she and Paul were having. In her heart, she knew he was having an affair. She just didnat want to believe it. She thought of confronting him. Maybe she woulda"if he ever got home before she was asleep.

Suddenly, Toni popped into her head. Well, so much for not thinking. She closed her eyes and chuckled over the times theyad spent together. From dinners to Cubs games, Toni was always there for her. Listening to her, caring about her. Allie felt closer to Toni than she ever did to Paul. Her eyes flew open at the thought of it.

aNo. I canat beanot with Toni,a she whispered, trying to convince herself. She shook her head, dismissing the thought.

As she ran the soapy cloth over her body, she instantly pictured Toni. G.o.d, donat do this again. It was too late. The images once again were there as they had been for several months now. She sighed as she pictured Toni kissing her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. She slid her hand down as she parted her legs as far as the bathtub would allow.

Tonias hands were now teasing her, sliding through the warm folds, making her breath hitch. Warm lips kissed up and down her neck. Soft murmurs of love whispered in her ear as her fingers moved quicker and faster.

aOhG.o.dohG.o.daa she whimpered as the water began to slosh over the sides. Allie arched her back. aToni!a she tried not to cry out as the o.r.g.a.s.m swept through her. She shivered violently as she came. Quickly, she pulled her hand away and groaned breathlessly.

aWhat am I doing? Again.a She moaned and slid down in the hot water, soaking her head completely.

Feeling extremely guilty, Allie climbed into bed and turned out the light. She must have dozed off; when she heard the backdoor open, she glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was 11:30. She waited and listened to his footsteps as he climbed the stairs; she heard the creak of the door as he pushed it open. He fumbled in the darkness as he undressed, then he went into the bathroom. Allie heard the shower going and turned onto her back. She stared at the ceiling until Paul came out, wrapped in one towel and drying his hair with another.

aHow was your meeting?a she asked, startling Paul.

aThought youad be asleep by now.a He slipped into a pair of boxers. aWhat did you do tonight?a Allie heard his hesitation and was painfully aware he did not answer her questiona"or maybe he had. aI went out to dinner with Toni.a aThatas good,a he said quietly. aDid you have a good time?a aYes, I did. I always do with Toni.a Allie didnat like the snippy tone she was using, and she knew she said this purposely to bush a b.u.t.ton. She remembered what Toni had said regarding what a lesbian is to a married man.

aIam glad you do,a Paul said. He truly sounded as if he were.

aDid you have a good time tonight?a Paul slipped into bed and lay on his back, as well. They lay far apart in the king-sized bed, which spoke volumes about their marriage.

After a long moment, Paul sighed. aA meeting is a meeting, Al. Ganight,a he whispered and turned on his side.

Tears welled in Allieas eyes as the hollow feeling swept through her. aGood night, Paul.a She lay in the quiet, looking around the dark shadows of their bedroom wondering how the h.e.l.l they got to this point. She reached over and flipped on the light on her nightstand.

It was time to find out.

Chapter 15.

aWake up, Paul.a Allie sat up.

Paul groaned and rolled over, shielding his eyes from the light. For an instant, he looked just like Nick. aWhatas wrong?a aUs.a Allie grabbed her robe. aLetas go. Iam hungry. Iall make some eggs.a aI donat want eggs.a aGet the h.e.l.l out of that bed, Paul Sanders. If I have to say it again, Iall be back with a pitcher of cold water.a She left him staring at her as she walked out.

Allie put a pot of coffee on, then got the eggs and bacon out of the fridge just as Paul walked into the kitchen and sat down.