All in all, though, I didn't get a good feeling from her. I think she is failing out, though she didn't say that. And why aren't she and Bryan spending more time together?

I guess part of it is that I just can't help thinking that the only reason Bryan and Beth got together is because the dating pool at Bugling Elk had gotten a little shallow, esp. for Beth, who had a new fling every other weekend and had already dated a bunch of the seniors and juniors and had to seek out a soph.o.m.ore. So I'm expecting her to want to break up with him, because she has a whole new pool of college guys.

Anyway, all through lunch, I couldn't stop staring at her hands. Her index finger was discolored. That's when I knew she was totally smoking again. "But it's different now. I'm only a social smoker," Beth said when I confronted her about it. "I only smoke at parties."

"You just told me that you go to parties almost every night! That means you're smoking every day."

"Oh," Beth said, like she hadn't realized that.

I grabbed her purse. She thought I was going for her smokes-which would have been easy, because there were like 2 or 3 packs inside-but I pulled out her wallet.

"Courtney, what are you doing? Stop that!" She lunged for the wallet.

Just as I suspected. Those charred-lung photos she used to carry around all the time to convince herself-and others-never to smoke again were gone. But why did she get so nervous when I picked up her wallet? "We used to share everything," I reminded her. "So why do you care if I look at your wallet?"

"It's private, that's all." She grabbed it back from me.

It took me all night to figure out why she didn't want me to look at her wallet. That's when I realized something I hadn't seen inside. Thyme's photographic memory must be growing on me. Bryan's picture wasn't in there anymore. And I can't stop thinking about what that means and what I'm supposed to say or do about it.

Oh well. At least things are good between me and Grant. I guess that sounds selfish, but last night turned out to be very romantic. Started out pathetic (see above) and I sat around being extremely unhappy for hours. No one else was home. Bryan was away for a cross-country meet and Mom was out with friends. It was me and Oscar. Together again. Not that I don't love him, but. So I decided there was only one way to repair the weekend. I took Oscar for a long walk. Thought this would create good karma for me, as spending quality time with pet with trauma-induced epilepsy only can.

Then the more I walked, the more I realized I wanted to make up with Grant-immediately. Actually half dragged Oscar all the way over to Grant's house.

While I was moping at home, Grant had gone to Safeway and bought cough drops for Grandmother Superior, flowers for me. When I got there we hugged for a really long time. He apologized for being selfish when it came to his grandmother. I apologized for being spoiled and unreasonable. But he said I wasn't unreasonable, the whole point of me coming to visit was for us.

I never realized that we hadn't actually had a fight before. I hated it, and don't want it to ever happen again. I was going to have us sign a pledge to that effect, but realized that would be childish and also like a prenuptial agreement or something.

So I just told him how I didn't want to leave on Sunday and how we only had 48 hours left.

"Then we'd better make the most of it," he said. So we went upstairs and did.

Hope Grandmother S. was really asleep, like Grant thought.

11/5.

On plane now. Thyme and Annemarie will pick me up at airport. I should be studying but I'm not. I keep thinking about what a weird and good weekend it was.

Had wonderful Sat.u.r.day night: Beth, Bryan, Grant, and I went out to dinner, then Grant and I hung out, then today we went to the zoo and walked around holding hands and being disgustingly romantic. At the airport when we were saying good-bye, I couldn't help crying, because I really didn't want to leave.

Grant gave me this gigantic Superior squeeze right before I was getting on the plane, when they started calling rows. "So what do you think of the goat? You never said." He took my hand and brushed his chin with my fingers.

"I like it," I told him. "What about my hair? You never said."

"Well, it shows off your gorgeous ears," he said.

Which is exactly what Mary Jo said! But then Grant started kissing my ears. So it wasn't really the same as Mary Jo saying it after all.

When I got on the plane, I was too fl.u.s.tered and in love to find my seat. Flight attendant asked if I was an unaccompanied minor. Very embarra.s.sing.

11/6.

Spent all morning lying in bed rehashing wonderful weekend with Grant. Then the day got worse all of a sudden. Realized I was going to be late for work. Sprinted to get ready. Still got there half an hour late and had to endure lecture from Jennifer. Endless blather about how I was letting down the New Product Team; never mind that the products aren't new anymore.

Then tonight, Beth called. She and Bryan broke up! "I can't believe you broke up with him," I said. Were they waiting for me to leave town or something?

"I didn't," she said.

"Oh, you mean it just sort of happened-it was mutual. Wow. You must be upset. I'm so sorry," I told her.

She muttered something about how they were holding it together for my visit but. . . . And then I couldn't understand the next couple of sentences. She was crying and smoking and crying and coughing.

"If you're that upset, maybe you guys shouldn't break up," I told her. "Are you sure it wasn't just a big fight, and you guys need to kiss and make up?"

"No . . . but . . . see . . ." And then the garbled gook again.

It was breaking my heart to hear her cry like that. "On the plus side?" I said. "It was the longest relationship you've ever had."

She started crying even harder and then she had to hang up. I don't know, I thought it was a valid point.

I waited a little while, then called Bryan. He seemed remarkably unfazed. "I really don't want to talk about it with you," he said.

"It's okay, B. You can open up to me. I won't tell her anything you say, I promise."

"I just don't want to go into it. You wouldn't get it, anyway." He's always saying that, like he's Einstein and is dealing with the mysteries of the universe, and I'm not. "I'm fine," he said. "I'm actually relieved. I'll have a lot more time for training now."

Typical Bryan. Acting like nothing's wrong when his whole world's crumbling. Well okay, not whole world. Just the girlfriend part of it.

Anyway, Bryan and Beth were going out before me and Grant. So the fact they broke up now means . . . nothing. It has nothing to do with us. NOT AN OMEN. They only live a few miles from each other, so if they couldn't make things work, then their relationship must have been doomed.

I am a little peeved at Beth, though. I have to admit. But since she's the one who's upset, and Bryan sounds okay, I guess I won't be mad at her. It had to happen sooner or later. Now they're both "free and clear." Wonder if they'll get back together. Wonder if Bryan will find someone at Bugling Elk. Wonder who Beth will hook up with first, and how long it will take her.

Must call Jane now to place my bet. I give Beth until . . . let's say Thanksgiving. I bet she'll hook up with someone before then.

11/7.

Thyme and I got into a huge HUGE argument in the hall today. We were trying to make plans and signs and stuff for our big final protest on Sat.u.r.day and we kept disagreeing about everything. All of a sudden she totally switched sides and said that changing the school's initials was a really thoughtless idea because it was history, and we'd be contaminating an historical site, including her father's-grandfather's-Econ building, etc.

So I demanded to know whether she came from money or not, because I saw her parents' Jag, and if they lost all their money then why didn't she have to work, and why would she lie about that, because I didn't care one way or the other. And she said, "Obviously." She said if I had any morals at all I'd never go serve meat and cheese at Bagle Finagle as a vegan, and I was probably not even a real vegan or even a vegetarian, which is so ridiculous! So then I told her that she obviously had a trust fund, which made it so stupid that she was running around preaching about only working PC jobs and she didn't have any life experience at all doing anything- We were screaming at each other in the hallway. Really ridiculous. Mary Jo came out of our room and told us to break it up. We didn't, and were about to get into a cat fight when Mary Jo hauled me away like I was a stray cow. Slammed door behind us.

"Why do you even bother?" she asked me.

"What?" I asked.

"She was being so mean to you-I can't stand it!" Mary Jo said. "Do you know she was criticizing your idea the whole time you were gone?"

"Wh-what?" I said.

Mary Jo nodded. "She said it was stupid and counterproductive."

"Are you sure that's not what you think?" I asked.

Mary Jo shrugged. "Maybe I don't think your idea is great, but I don't pretend to support it while I go around telling everyone that it isn't. I'd never undermine you-or any friend-like that."

"So you don't think it's great," I said. "Well, I'm not surprised, but-"

"But I think the fact you're that pa.s.sionate about it is awesome," Mary Jo said. "You obviously care a lot about this place."

What? I thought. What was she talking about? This protest isn't about making CFC a better place, it's about . . . well, anyway. Can't believe Thyme would desert me and our CFC protest now, after everything. Not a friend. But I didn't like hearing Mary Jo say it. I don't have any other friends here. Even though Thyme can be a jerk, what am I supposed to do? Toss her aside?

11/8.

Mom called tonight when I got home from library, and she was so excited, it was great. She met some single guy at a banquet where Bryan was getting an award. His daughter's a cross-country star and so they really hit it off, because Bryan and his daughter also hit it off, so it was like stereo dating, they had tons to talk about, and well, did she mention he's handsome and a runner himself, etc., etc., blah blah blah.

"So did you ask him out?" I said.

"What? What do you mean? Of course not," she said.

"Mom!" She drives me crazy when she does this.

Pena was doing Tarot card readings in her room, so I grabbed a Fresca for her, went in, and asked her if she could give me some info on Mom. Like, will she ever date this guy?

The Fool card kept coming up. Not sure about that. I really don't want my mom getting involved with a jerk after all these years of celibacy. Pena kept saying the fool didn't mean an actual fool, but it did seem sort of coincidental. "Your luck is going to change soon, Courtney. That's what it means."

"For the better?" I asked. "Right?"

"Mm." She glanced up at the doorway. "Next?"

That doesn't seem good. Does it?

11/9.

Called Grant to talk about the Bryan and Beth situation and my fight with Thyme and my big protest, which is only 2 days away. But he wouldn't get into a.n.a.lyzing Beth and Bryan and wanted only to talk about Bugling Elk's Homecoming, which is this weekend. I felt like even though I was just there, all of a sudden we were living in parallel universes. Different worlds. Whatever. Him: stuck in Colorado, clinging to high school. Me: free-floating anxiety in Wisconsin. Living "so on the fringe."

"I can't believe you won't be here," Grant said. "It won't be the same without you."

"Make sure you say hi to everyone for me," I said. "And keep an eye on Beth. And take notes. I want to know how everyone's doing. And tell everyone I'm doing incredibly great here. You know. Lie."

Grant laughed. "You are doing great. Aren't you?"

"Sure," I said. "Actually, things are pretty good. I've got this huge thing happening on Sat.u.r.day and-"

"Agh! Court, I hate to do this to you, but I've got another call," Grant said. "It's probably my lab partner, Melinda-I'm supposed to be meeting her to study for our exam tomorrow. Can I call you when I get to Denver?"

"Sure," I said, gulping for air. "Okay."

Lab partner Melinda??? Who is that? Why haven't I heard about her before? Suddenly very uneasy about everything.

11/10.

OH MY G.o.d.

Just got off the phone with everyone from home. Everyone. First the Tom called on his cell phone. The Tom! It was so fun to talk to him. Can't believe he's still at Bugling Elk, still working in Princ.i.p.al LeDuque's office to make up for money he embezzled last year. Still scoring with freshmen (fresh girls) even though he is now a Senior Plus. Disgusting pig. He totally made me laugh, though, because he kept describing everyone at the party and who had changed and who hadn't. And he said a million times how much he missed me.

Then he gave the phone to a bunch of other people who said hi, then Beth got on the phone. I kept teasing her about who she was going to pick up at the party, now that she was single again. Maybe the Tom? Who knows. Then she gave the phone to Grant. And it was just so cool to talk to him because I almost felt like I was there with him and everyone else.

I just love him and all those guys so much. I can't wait to see them!!!

Christmas seems like way too far away. I can't wait to see Grant, and Beth and even the Tom!

11/11.

This is now the journal of Courtney Smith, Media Star.

This was me in front of TV camera today: "Yes, it was my idea."

This was the reporter (from world's smallest TV station, but who cares): "It's very innovative."

Watched her report tonight, and a lot of the coverage was actually about all the people who disagree with us. But this is just the beginning! Although I'm not sure how we'll get enough exposure now that football season is ending. Oh well. We'll think of something.

Final home game = biggest turnout yet.

We did our dramatic piece after Annemarie tapped into P.A. system, announced that the Not-Ready-to-Lose-the-Ozone-Layer Players would be performing "Why We Shouldn't Be Known as CFC."

(Okay, so we could have worked more on the t.i.tle but we got all caught up in being psyched about our name.) Half of us dressed in aerosol-can costumes made by these awesome new theater people. The other half of us were trees, the rain forest. A small rain forest, okay, but still legit. Cans ran around spraying the air wildly (with water); trees withered and died; lone iceberg in the show melted; Erik ran across field with his pale skin painted red, simulating intense sunburn due to no ozone protection.

Brilliant. Artistic. Some people laughed at us, but that was okay. Thyme even showed up at the last minute to portray a green shrub; we could hardly tell it was her. At first I was mad at her for being hypocritical, but then forgot and was so psyched about our performance that I hugged her once we got off field. We walked around in our wilting costumes, waving at the crowd whenever they cheered or jeered us. At one point Corny put his arm around me as we posed for the school newspaper photographer, and he pulled me really, really close, to where it was actually sort of embarra.s.sing, but at the same time I sort of liked getting a bear hug from a cornstalk.

We all went out to celebrate tonight; spent hours and hours sitting in booths discussing philosophies of life, music, etc. We were having fun, and then we all got into a serious conversation about having divorced parents and reasons never to get married and how marriage was an overrated, outdated concept.

Gone all day. Got home and there were 5 messages: 3 from the Tom, 2 from Grant. What's up with the Tom? Did he get drunk and decide to hit on me after all these years?

11/12.

Talked with the Tom this morning.

Not going home for Christmas.

Not going home ever again.

Beth and Grant. Tom said they were making out Friday night.

Complete, utter betrayal.

To hear it from the Tom, worst of all. Grant not home when I called (of course) so I got the Tom first.

So. That's why Beth and Grant both wanted to stay in Colorado for college. To be close to each other. Grant never got over their fling during junior year and has been pining for Beth ever since. Probably only dating me to kill time until Beth broke up with Bryan. G.o.d. I've been such a fool. It was so obvious.

So it all makes sense on some level. But logic doesn't mean I can stop crying. Why didn't I see this coming?