"Well, don't crash the plane for Heaven's sake, while we talk about it."

"You already have two kids, Kate. And you're tied down as it is." Stephanie had just turned two, and Reed was four. Andy had remarried in June, and they were already expecting a baby. Reed was none too pleased about it.

"We've been married for a year and a half, Joe. It would be nice to have one of ours, wouldn't it?" The look on his face didn't suggest that he thought so. He had never been enthusiastic about kids, with the exception of Reed and Stevie. Reed thought Joe walked on water. And Joe was crazy about him.

"We don't need more kids, Kate. We have enough going on in our lives as it is."

"You've never had one," she said pleadingly. She had wanted his baby for more than ten years. It had been eleven and a half since she lost the one at Radcliffe.

"I don't need one," he said bluntly. "I've got Reed and Stevie."

"That's not the same thing," she said sadly. He didn't sound as though he was open to the subject at all.

"It is to me, Kate. I wouldn't love them more if they were my own kids." He had always been wonderful to them, which was what always made her think he'd be a terrific father. And she wanted another baby. To her, it seemed the normal outcome of how much she loved him. "Besides, I'm too old to have kids now, Kate. I'm forty-three years old. By the time they go to college, I'll be in my sixties."

"My father was older than you are when I was born. And Clarke is older than that. He's still pretty lively."

"He was never as busy as I am. My kids won't even know me." It was one of his rare admissions that he was seldom around. But this time it served his purpose. "Why don't you find something else to keep you busy?" It was more than just a matter of keeping busy, she really wanted to have their baby. But he looked annoyed that she'd even brought up the subject, and even more so when he saw that she was disappointed. "There's always something with you," he complained as they started to approach the airport. "Either you're b.i.t.c.hing about my being gone, or now you want a baby. Can't you just be happy with the way things are? Why do you always need more, Kate? What's wrong with you?" He was busy landing the plane and she didn't want to argue with him, but she didn't like the way he said it. It was up to her to fit in and adjust to his needs, and seldom the reverse. What she wanted didn't seem to matter. He had gotten spoiled over the years, and some of it was her fault. He was home so rarely, and for so little time, that everything revolved around him when he was there. Between public adulation over his flying record, his heroism during the war, and his enormous success in business, all he ever heard was how remarkable he was, and Kate's was just one more voice added to the others.

But on the drive home from the airport, she was quiet. He knew why, and he refused to discuss it with her any further. He had told her for years that he didn't want children. There were enough children in the world, the baby boom had repopulated the world, and he didn't feel he needed to add to it. And when Reed threw his arms around Joe's neck when they got home, he looked over his head at Kate, as though to prove his point. They had two kids, they didn't need more. As far as he was concerned, it was the end of the conversation. For him, at least.

The subject didn't come up again, and he made a point of being home for the holidays that year. Kate had never let him forget the fact that he had missed Thanksgiving and Christmas with her the year before, so he arranged his entire schedule to accommodate her, and he thoroughly enjoyed it. They went to Christmas parties and a coming-out ball, took the kids ice-skating, and made snowmen in Central Park with the children. And he bought Kate an incredible diamond necklace with matching earrings for Christmas. They had been married for two years, and had never been happier in their lives. Their dreams had all come true. And when they danced on New Year's Eve, and kissed at midnight, Kate knew she had never been as happy in her life.

He was watching football on television the next day, while she took the decorations off the tree. Both kids were having naps, and despite a mild hangover from the night before, Joe was in good spirits. The holidays had been perfect. He was leaving in two days for a four-week trip to Europe, and in February, he was going back to Asia, but Kate had made her peace with it, and was going to meet him on his way back in California.

She brought him a sandwich while he watched the game, and she was laughing at something he said, when he suddenly saw an odd expression in her eyes, and she turned deathly pale. Just looking at her, he was frightened. He had never seen her look like that.

"Are you okay?" She was turning green as he watched her, and she was obviously sick.

"I'm fine." She sat down on the couch next to him, and caught her breath for a minute. She'd had food poisoning a few days before, and said she thought it had something to do with that. Her stomach was still queasy, and had been for days.

"Sit down for a few minutes. You've been running around all morning." She'd been up and down the ladder a dozen times taking ornaments off the tree, and chasing the children. The sitter was off on Sundays and holidays.

"I'm fine, honestly," she insisted a minute later, and stood up very quickly. She had a lot to do, and didn't want to waste time. And the moment she got up, he turned to look at her, as her eyes rolled slowly back in her head, and she slid to the floor at his feet. She had fainted.

He was on the floor next to her instantly, on his knees, checking her pulse, and listening to see if she was breathing. He had his face close to hers, as she opened her eyes slowly and moaned softly. She had no idea what had happened. One minute she was looking at him, and the next she was lying on the floor staring up at him. He looked frantic.

"Kate, what happened? What do you feel?" She was thirty-one years old, and suddenly looked like she was dying to him.

"I don't know," she looked scared and a little woozy. "I just got dizzy." The wife of one of Joe's pilots had just died of a brain tumor, and it was all he could think of as she got slowly to her feet.

"I'm taking you to the hospital. Now," he said, helping her back onto the couch. She didn't try to get up, she was glad to be lying down, although she was feeling a lot better.

"I'm sure it's nothing. We can't leave the kids anyway. I'll call the doctor."

"Just lie there," he told her. She did, and a little while later, she was asleep, while he watched her. He didn't want to tell her, but he was worried sick. In all the years he'd known her, she had never fainted. He was still sitting on the couch next to her when she woke up, and she looked much better. And over his protests, that night she cooked them all dinner, but he noticed that she ate very little. He made her promise that she would see the doctor in the morning, and he was already planning to call the head of Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital. He was an old friend and a flying buff, and Joe wanted to get the names of the best doctors in New York in case it turned out to be as serious as he feared it would be. But Kate seemed much more nonchalant about it than he did. He looked so upset that when they went to bed that night, she didn't have the heart to keep it from him any longer. She turned to him just as he was about to turn off the light, and kissed him. He was convinced she was dying, and he was fighting back tears as he held her close to him.

"Sweetheart, don't worry, I'm fine.... I didn't want you to be mad at me," particularly over the holidays. She had wanted to wait until January at least, but she knew she couldn't now. It wasn't fair to worry him.

"Why would I be mad at you? It's not your fault if you're sick, Kate," he said gently, as she lay back against the pillow.

"I'm not sick.... I'm pregnant." If she had hit him with a brick, it would have had less effect on him than what she just told him.

"You're what!" what!" He looked dumbstruck. He looked dumbstruck.

"We're having a baby." She sounded very calm, and he could see easily that she was happy about it, although she'd been worried about his reaction to the news.

"How long have you known?" He felt thoroughly duped. She'd been keeping it from him.

"Since just before Christmas. The baby's due in August." It had happened before Thanksgiving.

"You tricked me!" he said, leaping out of bed in a fury. She had never seen him as angry, as she lay in bed and watched him storm around the room. He was throwing things on the floor, and slammed the door to her bathroom. It was the reaction she had feared, and not the one she had hoped for.

"I didn't trick you," she said softly.

"The h.e.l.l you didn't. You said you were using something." She had used birth control for years, ever since the miscarriage at Radcliffe, except when she was married to Andy.

"I did use something, but it must have slipped. Joe, that happens."

"Why now? I told you when we talked about it a few months ago that I didn't want kids. You must have just gone right home that night and flushed your diaphragm down the toilet. Don't you care what I want?" He looked outraged and her lip was trembling. His needs were in sharp conflict with hers.

"Of course I do, it was an accident, Joe. I couldn't help it. Worse things could happen." But not in Joe's mind. She hadn't listened to him and he felt trapped suddenly.

"Not much. Dammit, Kate. Get rid of it. I don't want it."

"Joe, you don't mean that!" She looked shocked, he was having a total tantrum.

"I do. I'm not having a baby at my age. Have an abortion." He finally threw himself down on the bed, and glared at her. She was horrified by what he was saying.

"Joe, we're married... it's our baby... it's not going to change anything in our lives. I'll get a nurse and I can still travel with you."

"I don't care, I don't want it." He looked like a five-year-old running the world as he sat in bed, literally fuming at her.

"I'm not going to have an abortion," she said calmly. "I lost our baby once before. I'm not going to kill another." That had been eleven years before, but she still remembered every hideous second of it, and the grief she had felt over losing their baby. It had taken her months to recover.

"You're going to kill me, if you have this kid, Kate. And jeopardize our marriage. We have enough strain on us now, you're the one who says I'm never here. And now you're going to be whining constantly that I'm not home with our baby. Christ, if this was what you wanted, you should have married another guy, or stayed married to Andy. He seems to have a kid every time he looks at a woman." He and his wife were expecting their new baby shortly, but Kate was wounded by Joe's comment.

"I want to be married to you, Joe. I always did. This isn't fair. It wasn't my fault," and she really wanted it. But he was convinced that she had tricked him into having a baby, and nothing she could say would convince him otherwise.

He turned off the light and rolled over with his back to her a few minutes later, and he was gone when she woke up the next morning. She was feeling sick over his reaction to the news the night before, and even more so when she thought of him telling her to have an abortion. But apparently he meant it, because he brought it up again that night. He was grateful that she didn't have a terminal illness as he had feared at first when she fainted, but as far as he was concerned, this was the next worst thing to a brain tumor.

"I thought about what you said last night, Kate, about... you know, the pregnancy...." He had trouble even calling it a baby. And he was staring at his plate when he talked to her. It was as though he didn't even want to see her. But for a minute, she thought he was going to relent and tell her he was sorry. "The more I thought about it today, the more I knew how wrong it is for us. I know it upsets you, Kate, but I really think you have to end it. It's the best thing for both of us, and the other children. It's going to be upsetting enough for them when Andy and his new wife have a kid, if we have a baby too, they're going to end up feeling like n.o.body loves them, and they'll wind up jealous and neurotic." It was the best argument he could come up with, and Kate almost laughed at him, except she was so upset by what he was saying. He still wanted her to have an abortion.

"Other kids seem to survive having siblings," she said sensibly. She was not going to let him sway her, but she also didn't want it to cost them their marriage. And she had never seen Joe as upset as he'd been the night before when she told him. He was calmer now, but no happier than he'd been at her announcement.

"Their parents aren't divorced, Kate."

"Joe... I'm not going to have an abortion." It was as clear as she could make it to him. "I won't. I love you. And I want to have our baby."

He didn't say a word to her, and he stayed in his study that night until he came to bed. And the next day he left for his four-week trip to Europe. He didn't even say goodbye to her before he left. He just stormed out of the house.

It was a whole week this time before he called her, which was unusual for him. But he had been stewing while he was gone, and all she could do was leave him alone. He called her from Madrid, and he sounded businesslike and subdued. He asked how she was, and how the children were, and then he told her what he was doing. And after a few minutes, he told her he'd call her again sometime soon. In the end, he called her three times in four weeks. And she knew that when he came back, he was only going to be in New York for two days. After that, he was going to Hong Kong and j.a.pan, and he wouldn't be back in New York for another three weeks. He was back in his rat race again.

He flew back to New York on the first of February, and the kids were already in bed when he got home. Kate was in the living room, watching television, and she looked up with a start when she heard him come in. It took him a few minutes to walk into the living room, and he approached her slowly when he did. He hadn't even called to tell her when he was arriving.

"How are you, Kate?" It was a cool greeting after a long four weeks and very little contact from him, and she a.s.sumed that he was still angry at her. It was beginning to remind her of the icy atmosphere between her and Andy after he had refused to give her a divorce, and she was suddenly afraid that Joe would end their marriage over the baby. It would have been a crazy thing to do, but she was beginning to wonder if he'd ever forgive her for what had happened, whether or not it was her fault.

"I'm fine. How are you?" she said cautiously, as he sat down in a chair across from her.

"Tired," he said. It had been a long flight.

"Did everything go okay?" She hadn't spoken to him in a week, and she was so happy to see him, she would have liked to throw her arms around his neck, but she didn't dare.

"More or less. What about you?" He glanced at her cryptically and she sighed. It was easy to guess what he wanted to know.

"I didn't have an abortion, if that's what you mean," she said, looking away from him. It was a battle of wills over one tiny life. It seemed a sad state of affairs to her. "I told you I wouldn't."

"I know," was all he could say, and then he walked across the room to sit next to her. He put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him. "I don't know why you want this baby, Kate." He sounded exhausted and sad, but no longer angry at her, and she was relieved.

"Because I love you, you dope," she said in a choked voice, snuggling close to him. She had missed him so much, and been worried about how angry he was at her.

"I love you too. I think it's a dumb thing for us to do. But I guess if that's the way it is, I'll live with it. Just don't expect me to do diapers, or walk it around all night while it cries. I'm an old man, Kate, I need my sleep." He looked down at her with a lopsided smile, and she looked at him incredulously. She loved him so much, and even when he made a lot of noise, in the end he always did the right thing.

"You're not an old man, Joe."

"Yes, I am." He didn't tell her, but he had gone to sit in a church in Rome, to think about it. He wasn't a religious man, but when he'd come out, he had decided to let her have the baby, if it meant so much to her. "Just don't faint on me again. You d.a.m.n near gave me a heart attack. Have you been feeling okay?" He looked concerned.

"I'm fine." She was so relieved that she didn't dare tell him that the doctor thought she was growing so fast that it might be twins. Joe had barely survived the idea of one baby, she couldn't bear to think what he'd say if he thought there were two.

They went to the kitchen after that, and she talked animatedly, telling him everything she'd done, who she'd seen, where she'd been. He loved listening to her, even when he was tired. He loved her energy, the look in her eyes, and the way she looked, and most of all the way she made him feel. Somehow, even when he was tired, she brought excitement into his life. It was what had pulled him to her the first time he'd laid eyes on her, and held him ever since.

They sat at the kitchen table and talked for a long time, and when they finally went to bed, they were best friends again. He had missed her for the past month, just as she had missed him. He couldn't even begin to imagine what having a baby would be like. But if he was going to have one, he'd decided, it might as well be with her.

When they went to sleep that night, he put his arms around her. He loved feeling the silk of her skin next to him. And he was amazed, when he ran his hands lightly over her belly, he could feel a small round b.u.mp. She had her back to him so she couldn't see his face, but Joe smiled as he drifted off to sleep.

21.

JOE WAS IN THE ORIENT and California for most of February, and Kate flew out to meet him in L.A. at the end of the month. He was in great spirits when he arrived, the trip had gone well and he'd accomplished great things. And when he saw Kate, he was surprised to see she'd gained weight. and California for most of February, and Kate flew out to meet him in L.A. at the end of the month. He was in great spirits when he arrived, the trip had gone well and he'd accomplished great things. And when he saw Kate, he was surprised to see she'd gained weight.

"You've gotten fat," he teased.

"Thanks a lot." She was happy to see him, and all was well. Kate still didn't tell Joe that the doctor thought it might be twins.

Joe had never seen her during any of her pregnancies, and he was uneasy at times being with her. He was always worried that she'd faint again, didn't feel well, or might get hurt. He was so anxious about making love with her, that Kate laughed at him.

"It's okay, Joe, I'm fine." He didn't want her to drive, scolded her when she danced, and didn't think she should swim. "I'm not going to stay in bed for the next six months."

"You will if I tell you to." But in spite of his fears, they spent more time than usual making love. The trip to L.A. was like a honeymoon for them. In spite of the baby, or maybe because of it, he felt unusually close to her.

He spent two weeks in New York when they got back, and then he was off again. Kate was getting used to it, she kept busy with the kids and seeing friends. And the pregnancy gave her something to look forward to. She could hardly wait for the baby to come. It was due at the end of August, or possibly earlier, if it was twins. The doctor had warned her that she might have to go to bed for the last two months. But so far, despite her size, he hadn't heard two heartbeats, only one.

Andy's baby was born in March. Kate sent them a gift and a little note, congratulating them. He looked happy whenever he came to pick up the kids. It was as though the time they had spent together had never been. He just seemed like someone she had known a long time before. She remembered him best from the time they'd been friends. Their marriage was too painful to think about, for both of them.

Joe was in Paris in April when Andy called her late one Friday afternoon. He was supposed to pick Reed up and take him to their house in Connecticut for the weekend, but he was stuck at work. His wife was with the baby and they were both sick, and she couldn't come to town to pick him up.

"Maybe you could put him on the train, Kate. Julie can pick him up in Greenwich. I won't be home till late."

She didn't think it was a good idea, and Reed was disappointed not to go. He loved going to Greenwich to visit them. She called Andy back after she'd talked to their son, and offered to drive him out. It was only an hour's ride each way, the weather was warm, and with Joe gone, she had nothing else to do. She had no other plans.

"Are you sure? I hate to do that to you." She was five months pregnant, and she felt fine.

"It'll be fun. It'll give me something to do." Reed was excited when she told him. She left Stephanie with the sitter, they would be back too late for the little girl to go, and she and Reed took off for Greenwich at six o'clock. She told the sitter she'd be back by eight. It was midnight in Paris, and Joe had already called.

They hit a little traffic on the way out, but nothing unreasonable, and they arrived at Andy's house at seven-fifteen. Julie had the baby in her arms, she was colicky, and they both had colds. The baby looked just like Andy, and a little bit like Reed. She gave Reed a kiss when she left him with his stepmother. Julie offered her something to eat, but Kate wanted to get back, and they both laughed and agreed that she looked huge. She was getting more certain every day that it was twins. "Maybe it's a baby elephant," Kate laughed, and then got back in her car. She rolled down her window and put the radio on, it was a warm night, and she enjoyed the drive. She was back on the parkway at a quarter to eight. But at midnight, the sitter called the Greenwich house. Kate had never come home.

Julie answered when Kate's baby-sitter called, and she sounded concerned. The sitter thought at first that maybe Kate had decided to stop on the way and see friends. But by midnight, she had the uneasy feeling that something was wrong. And she decided to call the Scotts to see if Kate had been tired, and stayed with them. She didn't think she would, but it seemed worth a call. And Julie sounded surprised that Kate hadn't gotten home. She had no idea what Kate's plans had been. She hadn't stayed more than a few minutes after she dropped off Reed. Julie turned to Andy, who was half asleep, and asked if Kate had said anything to him, and he shook his head as he opened his eyes.

"She probably met friends for dinner in New York. She said Joe's away." And he knew she mostly went out on her own.

"She wasn't really dressed for it," Julie said. She'd been wearing a cotton skirt and a loose top, her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and she'd had sandals on her feet.

"Maybe she went to a movie," Andy said as he went back to sleep. But Julie told the sitter to call again if Kate didn't come home. She'd always liked Kate, and had no ax to grind with her. She knew Kate had hurt Andy terribly, when she got involved with Joe again, but Andy was philosophical about it now that he had remarried. And Julie was grateful that Kate had let him go. She was blissfully happy with him.

The sitter called again the next morning at seven o'clock, and this time Andy was very concerned.

"That's not like her," he said to Julie as he hung up the phone. Reed was downstairs having breakfast, and he didn't want him to know. "I'll call the highway patrol and see if anything happened on the Merritt last night." She was a good driver, and there was no reason for her to have an accident, but you never knew.

He waited for what seemed like hours for the highway patrol to answer the phone, and he described Kate and her car. She used a Chevrolet station wagon to drive the kids around, and it was a good solid car. It seemed like forever before the patrolman came back on the line.

"We had a head-on at Norwalk last night, at eight-fifteen. A Chevrolet station wagon and a Buick sedan. The driver of the Buick was killed, the driver of the Chevy was unconscious when they got her out. Female driver, thirty-two years old, there's no description of her here. They took her to the hospital at ten o'clock. It took them two hours to get her out of the car." It was all he knew, but it was more than enough. Andy turned to Julie and told her what he'd heard. He was already dialing the number for the hospital the patrolman had given him. Andy's hands were shaking as he waited for them to answer the phone.

The nurse in the emergency room told him what she knew. Kate was there, she was unconscious, she was in critical condition. And the hospital hadn't been able to reach anyone when they called her home. They had called after midnight the night before, the sitter must have been asleep by then. Andy looked at Julie grimly when he hung up.

"She's in critical condition. She's got a head injury and a broken leg."

"What about the baby?" his wife whispered, feeling sorry for her.

"I don't know. They didn't say." He put his clothes on then, and told Julie he was going to the hospital, which seemed like a reasonable thing to do, as far as she was concerned.

"Shouldn't you call Joe?" Julie asked.

"Let's see what I find out first."