"You're punishing me because I wouldn't marry you," he said, as he stood up to his full height, and looked down at her with regret.

"I'm punishing myself because I married a man who deserves a real wife, not someone who has always been in love with someone else. That's not right, Joe. We have to forget each other. I don't know how the h.e.l.l to do it, and by G.o.d, I've tried. But I swear, if it kills me, I'll do it. I can't be married to him and in love with you for the rest of my life."

"Then leave him."

"I love him, and I won't do that. We just had a baby."

"I want you back, Kate." He said it like a man who was used to having his way, and wouldn't settle for anything less.

"Why? Because I'm married to someone else? Why now? I'm not a toy, or an airplane, or a company you own or want to buy. I waited two G.o.dd.a.m.n years while everyone said you were dead in Germany somewhere. I was always there, waiting for you. I was just a kid, and I couldn't even look at anyone else. And I pined for you for a year three years ago after you told me you'd never get married. Why now?" She was crying, as he shook his head.

"I don't know. I just know that you're part of me. I don't want to live the rest of my life without you, Kate. We've come too far. We've known each other for ten years, we've been in love for nine."

"So what?" she said unkindly. "You should have thought of that before. It's too late."

"That's ridiculous. You don't love him. Is that what you want for the rest of your life?"

"Yes!" she said firmly, as the baby began to cry. "You have to go, Joe," she said, still crying. "I have to feed the baby."

"Aren't you supposed to be calm when you feed a baby?"

"Yes, but it's a little late for that." He took a step closer to her then, and wiped her eyes. "Don't, please..." she cried harder, and he pulled her into his arms as she sobbed. All she wanted was to be with him, and she couldn't. It was a cruel twist of fate that he wanted her back. She couldn't abandon Andy and take their child, no matter how much she loved Joe. And she loved Andy too, but in a different way.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have come here tonight." He felt guilty for the state she was in.

"It's not your fault," she admitted, drying her eyes, "I wanted to see you too. It was so wonderful seeing you the other day, and being with you.... Oh Joe... what are we going to do?" she said as she clung to him. They were lost, and so obviously still in love.

"I don't know, we'll figure it out." He held her and then kissed her. All she wanted was to be with him. She left him then to get the baby, and brought him out to lie between them on the couch. He was a beautiful baby, and Joe looked at him silently and then at her. "It'll be all right, Kate. Maybe we can see each other once in a while."

"And then what? We'll always wish we were together. That's not a life."

"It's all we've got, for now. Maybe it's enough." But she knew it wouldn't be for long. They would always want more than just stolen moments and knowing that they loved each other and couldn't be together. It sounded like a lifetime of torture to her. He looked at her then, she looked so tormented, and so unhappy, and he knew she had to feed the baby. "Do you want me to go, or wait till you've fed him?" She knew he should go, but she didn't want him to. She didn't know when or if she'd see him again.

"If you want, you can wait." She went in the other room, while he watched TV, and when she came back, Joe had fallen asleep on the couch. He had had a long day, and it had been an emotional evening for both of them. She looked more peaceful after feeding the baby, and Reed was sound asleep in his ba.s.sinet.

Kate sat watching Joe for a while, she touched his hair, and gently stroked his face. It was all so familiar. He had belonged to her for so many years, and she to him. They had so much history together, it was a powerful bond. She just sat there holding him for a long time, until after a while he opened his eyes.

"I love you, Kate," he whispered, and she smiled.

"No, you don't. I won't let you," she said in a whisper back to him, and he kissed her. They lay on the couch kissing for a long time. It was an impossible situation, with an impossible man. "You've got to go," she whispered. He nodded, but made no move to leave the couch, and kissed her again and again, and after a while, she no longer cared if he left or not. She didn't want him to go. She didn't want to have left him, she didn't want to hurt Andy, or their son... she didn't want any of it to happen, but the force of what tied them to each other was stronger than they were. He picked her up in his arms and laid her on her bed. She knew she should tell him to go, but she couldn't. Instead, she let him peel away her clothes as he had so many times, and then he took off his own. They made love with all the longing that had haunted them for three years, and afterward, they fell into a deep, peaceful sleep in each other's arms.

17.

WHEN KATE WOKE UP the next morning, she smiled feeling Andy beside her, and turned to face him, and when she did, she saw Joe. It hadn't been a dream or a nightmare. It had been the culmination of all the years she had loved him, and the three years they'd been apart. But she had no idea what to do now. They had to forget each other, she told herself, as she watched him slowly stir. The baby was still sound asleep. the next morning, she smiled feeling Andy beside her, and turned to face him, and when she did, she saw Joe. It hadn't been a dream or a nightmare. It had been the culmination of all the years she had loved him, and the three years they'd been apart. But she had no idea what to do now. They had to forget each other, she told herself, as she watched him slowly stir. The baby was still sound asleep.

Joe woke a few minutes later, and when he saw her, he smiled.

"Am I dreaming? Or did I die and go to Heaven last night?" It all seemed so simple to him. He wasn't married to anyone, and wasn't in danger of destroying anyone's life, except hers and his own. That was enough.

"You look disgustingly happy," she accused him, but as she did, she snuggled close to him. The time they spent in bed, in the morning, cuddled close to each other, and talking, had always been her favorite part of their day. "You must have no conscience at all."

"None," he confirmed. He smiled as he kissed the top of her head. He hadn't been this happy in years, for that moment at least, all was well with the world. "Is the baby okay? Is he supposed to still be sleeping?" It was new to him.

"He's fine. He sleeps late," she said, touched that he was concerned.

He began kissing her then, and they took advantage of the fact that Reed was still asleep to make love again. It was all like a dream. It was almost as though he had never left, except that they had both grown up in the past three years, and she was married and had a child. But what she shared in bed with Joe, and everywhere else, she had never had with any other man. All the feelings they had for each other ran deeper than either of them was able to understand. It was like some kind of primal pull. They had to be together. They were so different, so separate, each so unique, and yet in some part of them, they were as one. It needed no explanations and few words. Most of the time, it needed none at all. The words were only the external excuse for what they felt. The apologies they made. The promises they could no longer keep. The words didn't matter at all. It was the rest that bound them to each other's souls.

The baby woke up finally with a healthy cry. Kate nursed him while Joe took a shower, and afterward she made breakfast for them. He wanted to linger over breakfast with her, and he laughed when the baby grinned at him from his little seat. And then he said regretfully that he had a meeting that morning, and had to go. He would have loved to spend the day with them.

"Can you have lunch?" he asked Kate as he stood up and put his jacket on.

"What are we doing, Joe?" she asked him with deep, worried eyes. They still had time to stop. It could be one time, one moment that she could atone for, for the rest of her life. It was early enough to stop before they destroyed everything, and everyone in their wake. She had far more to lose than he. It was up to her to stop, she knew, but she couldn't bear losing him again. Deep in her soul she knew it was already too late.

"I think we're doing the best we can, Kate. That's all we can do. We'll figure it out as we go." He had a way of not wanting to see the pitfalls that lay ahead, except when building planes.

"That's dangerous," she said as she smoothed the lapels of his coat. She loved the way he looked, his height, his chiseled face, the cleft chin, the very male square of his shoulders, the eyes that followed her everywhere, the long legs. She was drunk on him. He was her dream, and had always been, since she was seventeen. It was too great a force to fight. And it was no different for him. He had been mesmerized by her since the first time he saw her, drawn to her like moth to flame.

"Life is dangerous, Kate," he said calmly, as he smiled at her and then kissed her. He couldn't get enough of her, or she him. "Maybe it's not worthwhile unless it is. Good things come at a high price. I've never been afraid to pay for what I want, or believe." But they were paying this time with other lives than just their own. "Do you want to meet me for lunch?" She hesitated, and then nodded. She wanted to be with him for as long as she could. She realized now that she had no choice.

"I'll get a sitter. Where do you want to meet?"

He suggested Le Pavilion, which had always been one of her favorite places, and they agreed to meet at noon. After he left, she nursed the baby again, and sat quietly on the couch. There were pictures of her and Andy all around the room, and a portrait taken at their wedding the year before. Being with Joe again made Andy seem like a distant dream. She knew she loved him, she reminded herself, he was her husband. But he always seemed like a boy in comparison to the man Joe already was. There was something about Joe that intoxicated her every time she saw him. He was right, it was dangerous, but at that exact moment in time Kate knew it was too late to turn back, and the risks seemed worth the happiness they shared.

She put the baby back in his ba.s.sinet, and called the sitter. And at noon, she met Joe at Le Pavilion, and walked in wearing a pale green silk dress, with a watery emerald pin her mother had given her years before. She looked beautiful and delicate, and the dress looked incredible with her dark auburn hair. Joe sat staring at her, as she walked across the room, just as he had ten years before. There was a certain danger in their being so visible and public, but they had discussed it and decided that their having lunch openly would seem less suspicious, if someone saw them, than if they appeared to be hiding somewhere.

"Aren't you Joe Allbright?" she whispered as she sat down next to him. And he grinned. He loved the way she looked and played and smelled, loved the way she sauntered across a room, totally unaware of how spectacular she was. Together, they made an extraordinary pair. They were not an obvious match, but they looked incredible together, and always had. It was part of the magic they exuded and shared.

"Do you want to go flying this weekend?" he asked her over lunch. She had always loved his planes, and she hadn't flown herself in three years. He told her he had a cute little model that had just been delivered the day before. "You'll love it, Kate," he grinned, looking more than ever like a handsome boy.

"Sure." She had nothing else to do. She was free for the next three and a half months, and she realized now that whatever happened after that, this time belonged to them. There was no point fighting it. She had abandoned herself to the fates. The tether that bound them could not be cut. Or at least not yet.

They stayed at lunch for a long time, and were very circ.u.mspect, and then he went back to the office and she went home. She was going to take Reed to the park, and she found a letter from Andy when she got home. It was so funny and loving, and he missed her so much, that it cut through her like a knife. She sat there holding it for a long time, crying. She had never felt as guilty in her life, and she knew that what she was doing was wrong, but she couldn't stop. No matter how much she cared about Andy, she needed to be with Joe.

She was quiet that night when Joe came back. He had had a busy day at the office, and he was tired. She fixed him a scotch and water and handed it to him, and then poured herself a gla.s.s of wine. The baby was already asleep.

"I had a letter from Andy today. I feel awful, Joe. If he ever finds out, this will break his heart. He'd probably divorce me," she said, looking depressed.

"Good. Then I'll marry you." He'd been thinking about it all day, and had almost made up his mind. But he had wanted to ponder it some more before saying anything to her.

"You're just saying that because I'm married to someone else. If I were free," she smiled at him, "you'd run like h.e.l.l."

"Try me."

"I can't."

"Let's not talk about it, and enjoy the time we have," he said calmly. Which was exactly what they did.

For the next month, they had lunch several times a week, dinner together every night, at home and out, went flying on the weekends, went to movies, talked, made love, laughed, and coc.o.o.ned themselves in their own little world. Joe even played with the baby when he came home every night, and got wildly excited when he discovered Reed's first tooth. It was as though they were a perfect family, and Andy didn't exist. The only reminder of him was Andy's mother, who came to see the baby once a week, on Tuesday afternoons, but Kate was careful that there was never any sign of Joe's presence anywhere in the house. And when they went out, Kate and Joe were discreet enough for anyone to believe they were just friends and not romantically involved. But they felt more like husband and wife. They were an inseparable pair.

She wrote to Andy almost every day, but the letters were stilted and felt strange. She only hoped he didn't notice. Mostly, she talked about Reed, and said very little about herself. It seemed best that way. And what he had told her about the trials was fascinating. But he also told her how much he missed her and loved her and couldn't wait to come home to Reed and her. Each letter was like a slice to her heart. She had no idea what they would do, and she and Joe had agreed not to try to figure it out until the fall.

In August, she had promised her parents that she would spend a week with them in Cape Cod, but she hated the thought of leaving Joe. They had so little time. They were already halfway through the four months Andy would be gone. But she knew that if she didn't go to the Cape with the baby, her parents would know something was amiss, and might even come to New York and discover Joe living with her. He had moved in at the end of July. So she decided it was best to go. Joe said he'd keep busy while she was gone, and they agreed that she would call him. Her mother would have recognized his voice on the phone if he called. It was strange being so deceitful, and not something she was proud of, to say the least, but they had no choice. If this was what they wanted, what they felt they had to have, they had to play by what rules they could.

She'd already been at the Cape for five days, the night of their neighbor's annual barbecue. She left the baby with a sitter and went next door with her parents. She was in good spirits, and knew that in two more days she would see Joe. She could hardly wait.

She was having drinks on the terrace just above the dunes, when she turned around and saw him walk in. And mercifully, she looked appropriately surprised. In fact, she looked stunned. Joe had surprised her and come up to visit his friends, and had come to the barbecue with them. Their hosts were pleased to see him, and remembered him from several years before. Joe Allbright was not a man one forgot, and they hadn't. He was making his way slowly across the terrace, shaking hands and greeting people, when Kate's mother spotted him.

"What's he doing here?" she asked Kate.

"I have no idea," Kate said, turning away, so her mother couldn't see her face. But she thought Joe had been foolish to come. It was tempting fate. And Kate wasn't sure either of them could pull it off.

"Did you know he was coming?" The inquisition started, as her father walked across the terrace to shake Joe's hand. He was pleased to see him, in spite of the rift between him and Kate. That was all behind them now, she was married to another man. The past was the past, or so he thought.

"Why would I know he was coming, Mother? He has friends here. He's been here before."

"It just seems strange. He hasn't been here for three years. Maybe he wanted to see you."

"I doubt it." Kate had her back to him, but she could almost feel him approaching, and sense her mother watching them. She could only hope that they didn't betray themselves, but she didn't trust either of them, particularly herself. Her mother knew her too well.

Joe finally reached where she was standing, politely said h.e.l.lo to her mother, who shook his hand reluctantly and gave him an icy stare.

"h.e.l.lo, Joe," she said in frigid tones, and he gave her a warm smile.

"h.e.l.lo, Mrs. Jamison. It's nice to see you." She didn't answer, and then he turned to Kate. Their eyes met, and Kate kept an iron rein on herself as she said h.e.l.lo to him. "It's good to see you, Kate. I hear you had a baby. Congratulations."

"Thank you," she said coolly, and moved away to talk to someone else. She knew her mother would be relieved, and hopefully put off the scent. She whispered as much to Joe when she stood next to him later on the beach. They were roasting hot dogs and hers were already burned. All she was interested in was talking to him. "It was crazy for you to come up here. If they figure it out, they'll have a fit."

"I missed you. I wanted to see you," he said, sounding earnest and young.

"I'll be home in two days," she whispered back, wanting to kiss him or put her arms around him, or feel his around her. But she didn't dare even look at him.

"Your hot dog is turning to ash," he whispered again and she laughed, and their eyes met for an instant. And when she turned away, she saw her mother watching them.

"She hates me," Joe commented, as he handed Kate a plate. It wasn't totally inconceivable that they would talk to each other, but it was obvious that her mother didn't approve. She looked like she wanted him dead, or at the very least as far away from Kate as he could get.

In the end, her parents left early because her mother had a headache, and she and Joe went for a walk on the beach, as they had years before. They had history between them, a lot of it. Ten years was a long time, and counted for a lot. For them, if no one else. As long as they had never married, her mother discounted whatever they had ever felt. As far as she was concerned, they were wasted years, and she had often said as much to Kate. Kate didn't see it that way. They had been the best years of her life.

It was nice to just get away, and walk on the sand in the moonlight. They lay side by side far down the beach, and kissed, and held hands on the way back. They let go long before they reached the house, and once back, they were very circ.u.mspect. Kate left the party before he did, and her parents were already in bed, and Reed was sound asleep and didn't even want to be nursed. And Kate lay in bed, thinking about Joe. They had such a good time together, and such a good life. Everything they had each wanted had happened, her baby, his success, but there seemed to be no way to put it together, and if they tried to, someone would get hurt. It was like a Chinese puzzle, or a maze, but in this case, she knew, there was no way out.

She got up early with the baby, and her mother was in the kitchen, when Kate came downstairs trying not to make any noise, which was difficult with Reed. He was cooing and crowing and laughing and squealing, and she quietly closed the kitchen door and then saw that her mother was sitting quietly at the kitchen table, reading the local newspaper, and drinking a cup of tea.

She didn't raise her eyes as she spoke to Kate, but kept them on the paper, as Kate put the baby in his chair.

"You knew he was coming last night, didn't you?" her mother said in an accusing tone, and then finally looked up at her.

"No, I didn't," Kate said truthfully. "I honestly had no idea."

"There's something between you, Kate. I can feel it. I've never seen two people more drawn to each other. You can sense it even when you're standing across the room." It was why Kate never seemed to be able to let him go, nor he her. "It's almost like some kind of animal fascination with each other. You can't leave each other alone."

"I hardly talked to him last night," Kate said as she handed a tiny piece of banana to the baby, and he put it in his mouth.

"You don't need to talk to him, Kate. He feels you, just like you feel him. He's a dangerous man. Don't let him near you. He'll destroy your life." But it was already far too late. "It was rude of him to come here. He did it because he knew you'd be here. I'm surprised he had the gall... although nothing surprises me anymore," she said angrily. She still thought Joe was a threat, particularly with Andy gone. And she was right.

"Nor me," her father said cheerfully as he walked into the kitchen and kissed the baby, and glanced at his wife. He could see that she and Kate had had words, although he had no idea about what, and didn't care to guess. He preferred to stay out of their fights. "It was nice to see Joe last night. I've been reading about his airline, it's going to be a colossal success, and already is. He says they're going to open offices in Europe. Who'd have thought all of this would happen five years ago?" he said, looking impressed, as his wife put her cup of tea in the sink.

"I think it was rude of him to come," her mother reiterated for her husband's sake, and he looked surprised.

"Why?"

"He knew he'd see Kate. She's a married woman, Clarke. He shouldn't be chasing her all the way to Cape Cod, or anywhere else." Nor living with her, which he was, Kate thought. Her mother would have had her committed if she knew that. And maybe she should. "He knows that. He just did it to press himself on her."

"Don't be silly, Liz. That's water under the bridge. That was years ago. Kate's married, and he probably has someone else. Is he married, Kate?"

"I don't think so, Dad. I don't really know."

"I saw him talking to you on the beach," her mother accused.

"There's no harm in that," Clarke intervened. "He's a good man."

"If he were, he'd have married your daughter, instead of making her wait for him for two years during the war and using her for two years after he got home," his wife snapped. "Thank G.o.d Kate came to her senses and married someone else. It's a shame Andy wasn't here last night."

"Yes, it is," Kate said softly, but her mother saw something in her eyes she didn't like. There was something guarded and hidden, as though she had a deep secret, and everything in her told her it was Joe.

"You're a fool if you have anything to do with him, Kate. He'll just use you again, and you'll break Andy's heart. Joe's never going to marry anyone. Mark my words." She had always said that, and so far she'd been right. But Kate also knew he wanted to marry her now, or so he said, although it was easier to say it now when she was married to someone else. After a while, she took the baby and went outside to sit in the sun on the porch. And as she looked up, she saw a plane doing loops overhead. It was easy to guess who it was. He was such a kid, but it made her smile.

Her father came out to see it, and grinned up at the sky. "Pretty little plane," he commented, still looking up.

"It's his newest design," Kate said before she could stop herself, and her father lowered his gaze to look at her.

"How would you know, Kate?" There was none of the accusation of her mother, only concern.

"He told me last night."

He sat down next to her after that, and patted her hand.

"I'm sorry it didn't work out, Kate. Some things just don't." He knew how much she had loved him, and how much pain it had caused her when they broke up. "Your mother's right though. It would be very wrong if you started things up with him again now." He was suddenly worried about her. She looked so sad.

"I won't, Dad." She hated lying to him, but she had no choice. And she knew what she and Joe were doing was wrong. But it seemed impossible to her to let him go. There wasn't a man in the world who made her feel as he did, in bed or out. It was as though he completed her, just as she did him. They each had the missing pieces the other needed to be whole. She had no idea what they would do when Andy got home, but at least it was another two months away. She and Joe had time to figure out what they were going to do then.

He was still flying around overhead, doing loops and rolls, and he did a terrifying stall, which made her put her hand over her mouth. She was sure he was going to crash. And her father watched her eyes. It was worse than he thought, and he was beginning to wonder if Liz was right, and something was going on after all. But he didn't want to ask Kate. She was an adult, and he didn't feel it was his place to pry.

She went back to New York the next day, and Joe called her the minute she got home. She scolded him for the stall that had terrified her, and he laughed. He knew he had been in no danger at all. He never was.