"I always thought he'd be good for you," her mother said.

"I know, Mom. We're just friends. It's better that way. No damage on either side." She had hurt him badly three years before. And she was still wounded. And suspected she would be for a long time. Maybe forever. It was impossible to forget Joe. They had had too much together. And he represented a third of her lifetime.

She went back to New York after two days, and was happy to see her puppy. She had left her with a neighbor. And Andy called her almost as soon as she walked in the door of her apartment.

"What do you have? Radar?"

"I'm having you followed." He asked her to a movie that night, and she went. And they spent New Year's Eve together, drinking champagne at El Morocco. It seemed very glamorous to Kate, and very grown-up, as she said to Andy.

"I am grown-up," he said with amus.e.m.e.nt. He had gotten very sophisticated, and she couldn't help but compare him to Joe. Joe who was unusual and beautiful and sometimes awkward. But she had loved that about him. Andy was smoother, in ways that Joe didn't care about at all.

"I skipped the grown-up part," Kate confided after her third gla.s.s of champagne. "I went straight to old age. Sometimes I feel older than my mother."

"You'll get better. Time. It heals everything," he said wisely.

"How long did it take you to get over me?" she asked, feeling slightly tipsy. But he didn't seem to notice.

"About ten minutes." It had taken him two years, but he didn't tell her that. And he still wasn't over her, which was why he was spending New Year's Eve with her. There were half a dozen women he'd been seeing who were furious about it. "Should it have taken longer?"

"Probably not," she said sadly. "I didn't deserve it. I was rotten to you." She was getting slightly morose from the champagne she'd been drinking. And in spite of herself, she kept wondering where Joe was, what he was doing, and with whom that night.

"You couldn't help it, Kate," Andy said, and meant it. "He was a great love, you were crazy about him, and he came back from the dead. It's hard to beat that. Better then than if we'd have been married."

"That would have been awful," she said, horrified.

"Yes, it would have. So I guess we were lucky. And you needed to get him out of your system once and for all."

"What if I never do?" she said miserably, and he laughed at her.

"You will. But not if you become an alcoholic. You're drunk, Kate."

"I am not," not," she said, looking outraged, and a little vague. she said, looking outraged, and a little vague.

"You are, but you're cute that way. Maybe we should dance before you pa.s.s out or get any drunker."

It had been a nice evening, and she had a terrific headache the next day, but he brought her croissants and aspirin and orange juice at her apartment. Kate wore dark gla.s.ses while she made breakfast for them.

"Why didn't you bring your scotch and cornflakes? That would have been better," she said mournfully, with her headache.

"You're turning into a lush," he said as he played with her puppy and smiled.

"Heartbreak does that." She burned the croissants, spilled the orange juice, and broke the yolks when she made fried eggs for him, but he ate all of it and thanked her afterward. "I'm a terrible cook," she confessed.

"Is that why he left you?" It was the first time he had asked her.

"I left him," she corrected, hiding behind the dark gla.s.ses. "He didn't want to marry me, or have kids. I told you, he's married to his planes."

"He's a very rich man now," Andy said admiringly. There were a lot of things one had to admire about Joe, his skill, his genius, his talent, but not his judgment about women. Andy thought he was a fool for not marrying Kate, but he was glad he had been.

"Why aren't you married?" Kate asked, sprawling out on the couch, and taking off the dark gla.s.ses finally "I don't know. Too scared, too young, too busy. No one terrific. Since you. I ate worms for a while, and then I started having too much fun. I've got time. So do you. Don't rush it. I see too many divorces at the law firm."

"Not according to my mother, about having time, I mean. She's panicked."

"I would be too, in her shoes. You're not easy to get rid of. Just don't cook for them. Let them find out later. I'd forgotten what a lousy cook you are. I'd have made breakfast myself if I'd remembered."

"Stop complaining. You ate everything."

"Next time, scotch and cornflakes."

They went for a walk that afternoon, in Central Park. It was a crisp winter day, and there was a thin blanket of snow on the ground, and Kate felt better when they got back to her apartment. They had taken the dog with them. It all seemed so comfortable and normal. He was easy to be with. Just like the old days. And that night they went to a movie. They were spending a lot of time together. And she was suddenly less lonely. It wasn't high romance, it was more like high friendship.

For the next six weeks, they saw a lot of each other. Dinners, movies, parties, friends. He came to have lunch with her at the museum. On Sat.u.r.days they went grocery shopping together, and he did errands with her. It was nice having someone to do things with. Kate realized in all her time with Joe he never had time for any of that. He was too busy building the business, although she had loved building it with him. But it was fun being with Andy. He had more time for her, and he enjoyed spending it with her.

On Valentine's Day he appeared at her apartment with a bouquet of two dozen red roses in his arms, and a huge heart-shaped box of candy.

"My G.o.d, what did I do to deserve all this?" she asked, grinning broadly. She had been missing Joe all day, and reminded herself that she had to forget him once and for all. Even after all this time, it still seemed like an insuperable challenge to her. It seemed incredible to Kate that someone she had loved so much for so long was perfectly able to live without her. It seemed so wrong, after all they'd been through, that they hadn't been able to work it out and end up together. They had each gotten tangled up in their own fears. It was depressing to realize that fairy tales didn't have happy endings, they had sad ones. It wasn't the way life was supposed to be.

"What are you looking so gloomy about?" He could see it in her eyes. She couldn't hide it from him.

"Feeling sorry for myself again."

"How boring. Have a chocolate. Eat the flowers, whichever you prefer. Get dressed. I'm taking you to dinner."

"What about all your other girlfriends?" She felt guilty monopolizing him. She was still in love with Joe anyway, it wasn't fair to Andy. But she also enjoyed him, more than she admitted. She hadn't been as sad lately. He was good for her.

"My other girlfriends are joining us for dinner. You'll love them, all fourteen of them."

"Where are you taking me?"

"You'll see. It's a surprise. Wear something fancy. And try not to get drunk this time."

"That was New Year's Eve, you turkey. Besides, I'm ent.i.tled."

"No, you're not. Your time's running out. Besides, he loves his airplanes better than he loves you. Remember that."

"I try to." But lately, she didn't even mind that. She had been thinking about Joe a lot lately, and wondering if she had made the right decision. Maybe it didn't matter if he married her, or they had children. Maybe it was worth the sacrifice, just to be with him. But she didn't say it to Andy and she wasn't sure of that herself.

He waited while she got dressed, and there was a hansom cab waiting downstairs when they left her apartment. She was bowled over by it. It seemed incredibly romantic. And the horse clip-clopped along as they rode to the restaurant while pa.s.sersby and cab drivers smiled at them. And she was cozy and warm under a heavy blanket, in the closed carriage.

The carriage turned on Fifty-second Street, and dropped them off at the '21' Club, while Kate smiled at him.

"You spoil me."

"You deserve it," he said, as they walked into the restaurant. She was surprised to see heads turn as they entered. They made a very handsome couple. And a few minutes later, they were shown to a quiet corner table upstairs.

It was a wonderful evening and a delicious meal, and they were talking quietly when dessert came. He had ordered a tiny heart-shaped cake for her, and when she cut into it with her fork, there was something hard in it. She pushed the cake away with her fork, and saw that it was a jeweler's box.

"What's that?" she asked, looking puzzled.

"Better open it and see. Maybe there's something good in it. It looks pretty good to me," but she could suddenly feel her heart race. And when she looked up at him, he was smiling, and spoke softly. "It's okay, Kate, don't be afraid... it'll be all right, you'll see."

"What if it isn't?" She knew what he was doing and she was frightened. Joe had hurt her very badly, and she had hurt Andy. She didn't want to do that again, or make a mistake they'd both regret.

"It will be. We'll make it all right. It's up to us to do that, it doesn't just happen." It was everything she had wanted, just not with the person she wanted. But maybe it worked that way, you only got half your wish in life, not the whole one. She no longer believed in happy endings anymore. And Andy's version was happier than most.

She very carefully opened the box, and licked the cake off her fingers, and as she opened it, she saw a diamond ring sparkling at her. It was an engagement ring from Tiffany, and Andy slipped it on her finger. "Will you marry me, Kate? I'm not going to let you run away this time. I think this is the right thing for both of us... and by the way, I love you."

"By the way?" she said. "What kind of proposal is that?"

"A real one. Let's do it. I know we'll be happy."

"My mother always said you were the right one."

"My mother said you were a b.i.t.c.h when you dumped me," he laughed and then kissed her. Kissing him was better than she'd remembered. And as she pondered it, she realized that she loved him. Not as she had Joe. She would never have that again. This was different. It was comfortable and easy and fun. They would make good traveling companions for a lifetime. Maybe you couldn't have it all in life. A great love. And pa.s.sion. And dreams. Maybe in the end, one was better off with a small love and no dreams. Or at least that was what she told herself when she kissed him.

"Your mother was right, about me, I mean. I was horrible to you, and I'm so sorry," she said after he kissed her.

"You should be. I'm going to make you spend the rest of your life paying for it. You owe me, big time."

"I promise. I'll put scotch in your cornflakes forever. Every morning."

"I'll need it, if you're cooking breakfast. Does that mean you'll marry me?" He looked hopeful and happy.

"I have to," she said sensibly, "I like the ring. I guess that's the only way you'll let me keep it." She was wearing it, and it looked beautiful on her. And as he smiled at her, he kissed her.

"I love you, Kate. I hate to say it, but I'm glad it didn't work out with Joe," he said honestly, and she felt her heart ache. She wasn't glad, but she had to learn to live with it, and maybe Andy would help her. She hoped so.

"I love you too," she whispered. And then she looked at him with a grin. "When are we getting married?"

"June," he said decisively, and Kate laughed and threw her arms around him. She was happy, and she knew she'd made the right decision. Or he had.

"Wait till I tell my mother!!" she said, and they laughed.

"Wait till I tell mine!" Andy said as he rolled his eyes.

14.

KATE CALLED TO tell her parents the day after Andy had proposed to her, and predictably, they were thrilled. Her mother was ecstatic and asked about plans for the wedding, and she was even happier when Kate told her they were getting married in June. This was the real thing. At last. tell her parents the day after Andy had proposed to her, and predictably, they were thrilled. Her mother was ecstatic and asked about plans for the wedding, and she was even happier when Kate told her they were getting married in June. This was the real thing. At last.

For the next four months, Kate and her mother were up to their ears in details for the wedding. Kate only wanted three bridesmaids, Beverly and Diana from Radcliffe, and an old friend from school. She selected lovely pale blue organza dresses, her mother came to New York to help her pick her wedding gown. It was elegant and simple, and Kate looked incredible in it. Her mother cried at the first fitting, and so did her father when he walked her down the aisle.

There had been four months of parties given mostly by friends of Andy's parents in New York, and another round of events in Boston in May. There were showers and luncheons and dinner parties. Kate had never had so much excitement in her life. And they had decided to go to Paris and Venice on their honeymoon. It was all incredibly romantic, and she kept reminding herself of how lucky she was.

Some secret part of her hoped to hear from Joe after her engagement was announced, as though he would sense what she was about to do, and return to stop her and reclaim her. But she was more sensible than that, and didn't really expect him to call. She realized that it was probably just as well. It would have cut her to the quick to hear his voice again. She tried not to let herself think of him often, but he crept into her mind late at night, and in the morning as she lay in bed, thinking of him. It had been their favorite time of day. He was always there, on the fringes of her life, and her heart ached instantly when she thought of him. She continued to wonder if she had done the right thing, if she should have sacrificed marriage and children to be with him. She still loved him as she always had, that was the hard part, but she kept telling herself she was doing the right thing. And all he cared about were his planes. She never told Andy, or anyone, how often she still thought of Joe.

The wedding was perfect, and Kate looked exquisite. The long satin wedding gown made her look like Rita Hayworth, and behind her was a long elegant lace train. She wore a full veil, and when Andy looked into her eyes as she reached the altar, he saw something tender and sad that touched him to the core.

"It'll be all right, Kate ... I love you...," he whispered, as two little tears spilled from her eyes. She couldn't have told anyone, and she knew she was wrong to do it, but all morning, she had been longing for Joe. She felt as though she were leaving him all over again. But she knew she'd have a good life with Andy, he was a kind man, and they loved each other. Not with pa.s.sion, but with tenderness and understanding. Whatever she still felt for Joe Allbright, Kate knew she had made the right choice with Andy and would work hard to make it a marriage that worked for both of them.

The reception was at the Plaza, and they spent the night in a fabulous suite looking out over Central Park. It was lovely and romantic, and they were both exhausted after the wedding. They didn't even make love until the next morning. Andy didn't want to rush her, they had the rest of their lives. They had never made love to each other before the wedding, and he hadn't wanted to ask her if she was a virgin. He had never wanted to know the details of her long involvement with Joe and still did not. And she didn't offer any. It wasn't the sort of thing she felt she should talk about with her husband, and he wasn't sure if it was painful for her or not, but they enjoyed making love. She seemed innocent and shy and somewhat cautious, which he a.s.sumed was lack of experience on her part. In truth, it was more that it seemed odd to Kate to be in bed with him. They had always been friends. But with a little time and effort, she found that she was surprisingly comfortable with him. He was gentle and playful and tender, and desperately in love with her. And by the time they left for the airport that morning, they seemed less like young lovers than old friends. But it meant a lot to Kate to be at ease with him. What they shared had none of the pain or the pa.s.sion or the fire of what she and Joe had shared. It was easy and friendly and funny, she trusted Andy completely, and her heart was far less at risk with him than it had been with Joe.

Her mother had suspected that Kate wasn't madly in love with Andy when she'd agreed to marry him, and it didn't worry her at all. She had said something to Kate about it during one of the fittings and told her that pa.s.sion of the kind she'd had for Joe was a dangerous thing. If you let it, it owned and controlled you. She would be better off, her mother a.s.sured her, married to her best friend, and Andy was.

Their honeymoon was everything it should have been. They had romantic dinners at Maxim's and little bistros on the Left Bank, explored the Louvre, did lots of shopping, and went for long walks along the Seine. It was the perfect time, the perfect season, the weather was warm and sunny, and Kate realized she had never been happier in her life. And Andy was proving to be a gentle and skilled lover. By the time they got to Venice, she felt as though they had been married for years. He suspected by then that she hadn't been a virgin, but he never asked her about it. He preferred not knowing, and he didn't like asking her about things that reminded her of Joe. He sensed more than knew that it was still a sore subject, and suspected that it would be for a very long time. But she was his now, and no longer Joe's.

Venice was even more romantic than Paris, if that was possible. They ate delicious food, drifted around looking at the sights in a gondola Andy had hired, and they kissed for good luck as they pa.s.sed under the Bridge of Sighs.

They went back to Paris for one night, and then flew back to New York. They had been gone for three weeks and it was the perfect honeymoon. They came home happy and relaxed and bonded to each other. And they were looking forward to a long and happy life.

Andy went back to work the day after they got back from Paris, and Kate got up to cook him breakfast. He showered and shaved and dressed, and when he walked into the kitchen, she had a bowl of cornflakes on the table and a bottle of scotch.

"Darling, you remembered!" he said, throwing his arms around her in movie star fashion, and then crunched a mouthful of cornflakes and downed a shot of scotch. He was a good sport and a nice person and had a warm and funny sense of humor. And best of all, he was crazy about her. "My father's going to think you've turned me into an alcoholic, if I go to work smelling of scotch. We've got meetings all day."

He left for work and she stayed home to tidy up the apartment. She had given up her job at the museum the month before the wedding. Andy didn't want her to work, and at the time she had too much to do. But now she had nothing whatsoever to occupy her until he came home from the office in the late afternoon. And when he did, she was so bored that she dragged him into bed, and then suggested they go out to dinner, even when Andy was tired. She didn't know what to do with herself all day. She talked to him about going back to work, she had no idea what to do to keep occupied. Married life left her with too much time on her hands.

"Go shopping, go to museums, have fun, have lunch with friends," he told her, but her friends were all either working or in the suburbs with their kids. She felt like the odd man out.

They had talked about getting a bigger apartment, but they both liked Andy's and for the time being it was fine. It had two bedrooms, so even if they had a baby, there would be enough room for all of them.

Three weeks after they got back from Europe, Kate smiled at him shyly over dinner, and told Andy she had news for him. He imagined she had done something fun that day, or talked to her mother or one of her friends. He was startled when instead she told him she was sure she was pregnant. They had only been married for six weeks, and she thought it might have happened the day after their wedding, the first time they made love.

"Did you go to a doctor?" He looked both thrilled and worried, cleared the table for her, insisted that she take it easy, and asked her if she felt sick or wanted to lie down, and Kate laughed.

"No, I didn't go to the doctor yet, but I'm sure." She had felt this way before, five years before with Joe's baby, but she couldn't tell Andy that, and wouldn't have. "And it's not a terminal illness, for Heaven's sake, I'm fine."

He made love to her ever so gently that night, afraid to do anything that might hurt her or the baby, insisted that she go to the doctor as soon as she could arrange it, and was disappointed when she wouldn't let him tell their parents yet.

"Why not, Kate?" He wanted to shout it from the roof, which she thought was sweet. He was even more excited than she was, and she was pleased. She wanted a baby, it was one reason she had left Joe after all, and this would be a further bond between her and Andy. This was what she had wanted, a real married life. And yet at the same time, with all the happiness she felt, and love she felt for Andy, there was always an empty s.p.a.ce in her that she could never quite fill, despite all her efforts. She knew what it was, but not how to cure it. It was Joe. All she could hope was that the baby would fill the immeasurable void Joe had left in her.

"What if I lose it?" she said sensibly in answer to her husband's question. "It would be awful if everyone already knew."

"Why would you lose it?" He looked puzzled. "Do you feel like something's wrong?" The possibility hadn't even occurred to him.

"Of course not," she said, looking happy. "I just want to be sure that everything's all right. They say there's always a risk of miscarriage in the first three months." Particularly if you got hit by a boy on a bike. Andy had never heard about the first three months being sensitive before.

Kate went to the doctor a few days later, and he told her that everything was fine. She told him, in confidence, about the miscarriage she'd had five years before, and he was disturbed that she hadn't had medical attention, but he felt it was an isolated incident, not due to any weakness on her part, but because she'd been hit by the bike. He told her to be sensible, rest, eat well, and not to do anything foolish like ride horses or skip rope, which made her laugh. And he sent her home with vitamins and some written instructions to share with her husband, and told her to come back to see him in a month. The baby was due in early March.

And as she walked home to their apartment, she strolled along the edge of Central Park, thinking how lucky she was. She was happy, loved, married, had a great husband, and she was having a baby. All her dreams had come true, and she knew finally that she had done the right thing when she married Andy. They were going to have a great life.

They told her parents about the baby finally when they went to stay with them for a week at the end of August, in Cape Cod. Her mother was beside herself with excitement, and her father was pleased for them.

"I told you he'd be perfect for her," Elizabeth beamed at her husband after Kate and Andy went back to New York.