'You clicked with Dad. You clicked with the footballer. You click with any guy that's going,' I mumbled into the pillow.

Mum heard me. 'I'll click you right out of this bed if you don't shut up,' she said.

But she couldn't shut up herself.

'I couldn't wish for a sweeter guy. I never dreamt I could be so lucky. I'm getting on a bit now, I've got you two kids, my boobs are getting all saggy-'

'You're nuts,' I said.

'No, really.' She sat up in bed and stuck her chest out, feeling herself. 'Oh God, they are! I wonder how much a boob implant is. A thousand? More? I could afford it now!'

I snorted.

'What's your problem? It's my money and I've spent a fortune on you two.'

'And Jake,' I said. 'I bet he didn't buy his new cowboy boots himself. Or that new mobile. Or his new Walkman. Or that big set of oil paints.'

'He's an artist for God's sake.' Mum peered down at her breasts. 'Maybe I'd better have that implant if he's going to do a nude portrait of me. Do you think it hurts terribly? Would they have to cut you right open?'

'Oh no, of course not! They just unbutton your boobs, pop in the implant, and Bob's your uncle,' I said sarcastically. 'You're so stupid, Mum. Of course they cut you open. They cut right along underneath and then-'

'OK, don't go on about it,' said Mum. 'Maybe I'll put up with my boobs the way they are. Jake doesn't seem to have any complaints. That's what I mean, Lola Rose. He's so good to me. You don't think I was better off with your dad, do you?'

'I think you'd be better off without any bloke,' I said.

'You're starting to sound just like your Auntie Barbara,' said Mum. 'Watch out you don't start to look like her too!' She started poking my tummy. 'Ooh yes, podgy-wodgy!'

'Give over!' I said. 'You stop that, saggy-baggy!'

We tickled and poked, squealing with laughter. Kendall woke up and joined in. We had a wrestling match until Kendall fell right out of bed with a thump and the old lady downstairs started banging on her ceiling.

We hauled Kendall back into bed and then the three of us cuddled up close. We went to sleep just like that. I didn't even have the shark dream.

Jake moved in with us. Mum turned the living room into their room. She bought them a brand-new sofa bed. No community stores shabby old stuff this time. Mum bought a computer too. She pretended it was a present for Kendall and me. But it was Jake who sat at it all evening, playing games, while Mum was out working at the pub.

Kendall liked to loll against him. Sometimes Jake let him have a go.

'What about you, Lola Rose?'

'No thanks, it's boring,' I said.

I shut myself in my bedroom with my scrap book. Mum had bought me a big pile of birthday cards, lovely flowers and seasides and sunsets and rainbows and fairy princess ladies with very long curly hair. They were brand-new birthday cards specially for me to cut up and stick in my scrapbook.

She bought them to stop me nagging her about the money. I'd found the envelope with the lottery winnings hidden under her tights. I'd peeped inside and panicked. There was hardly anything left. A fistful of five-pound notes. That was all.

I knelt there, Mum's tights squiggled all around me like black snakes. I felt so scared.

I stayed up and tackled Mum about it when she got back from the pub.

'Shut up, Lola Rose!' she said. She didn't want Jake to hear. 'How dare you nose round my things!' she hissed in my ear. 'It's my money anyway. It was my lottery ticket.'

'It's not anyone's money now. It's all gone.'

'Gone on lovely things for all of us,' said Mum. 'Now go to your bedroom this minute, you ungrateful little whatsit.'

I stormed off furiously. How could Mum be so stupid? What if she lost her job and couldn't get another? What if Jake started getting drunk and hitting her and we had to do another runner? The lottery money had made me feel so much safer.

I decided I wasn't speaking to Mum any more. But then she bought me the birthday cards and I couldn't stay cross. I spent hours cutting out and arranging and sticking. I wore a little groove at the side of my middle finger through gripping the scissors.

Kendall teased me because my mouth opened and shut as I snipped. 'Like a fish,' he said, and he made George attack me hungrily.

I was so startled I snipped straight through my favourite fairy princess. I made a great fuss and Kendall cried. I decided I didn't care. I found an African plains picture of giraffes and started creating a tribe of strange giraffe-girls, their abundant hair tumbling down their long spotted necks.

I called to Kendall, offering to tell him a giraffe-girl fairy story.

'I'm busy,' he shouted back triumphantly. 'I'm playing on the computer with Jake.'

I whispered bad swear words. Kendall liked being with Jake much more than being with me. So did Mum. They didn't seem to need me much any more.

I snipped snipped snipped at my magazine, playing guillotines. Heads tumbled into my lap. I crumpled them all together and threw them into the far corner of the room.

Well, I didn't need them.

I didn't need anyone. I was Lola Rose.

I just wished I looked more like my idea of Lola Rose.

I mooned in front of the mirror, experimenting with ways of doing my hair. I hunched my shoulders right up under my ears so that my hair seemed longer. I tugged at it, encouraging it to grow. Maybe next month, or the month after, or the one after that, it would have grown right down my back, fairy princess style.

I stole into the bathroom and squirted it with Mum's hairspray. Mum was so lucky having such thick hair. I could grow mine right down to the ground but it would always stay thin and wispy. It lay limp against my head now no matter how I tried to fluff it up.

I gave up on my hair and tried my face. I'd mucked about with make-up before, putting glitter on my eyelids and gloss on my lips, but I'd always wiped it off when Dad was due home. He said he didn't like to see his little girl all tarted up.

I could paint on make-up an inch thick now. I went crazy with Mum's make-up. I started properly with foundation and then pencilled in my eyebrows and smeared smoky grey on my eyelids. I outlined them with black pen, making it thicker whenever I wobbled. I put on two thick coats of mascara so I saw black fringe curtains every time I looked up.

Then I applied rouge on both cheeks. I knew you were supposed to follow the lines on your cheekbones, but my cheeks were so podgy I couldn't find my bones. At least I could see my lips. I attempted that special putting-on-lipstick smile but I got red all over my teeth, so I invented my own method, going slightly over the edge of my lips to make them look more voluptuous.

I hoped I looked much older. Twelve, fourteen, sixteen? I peeped in Mum's wardrobe and put on her high heels. We took nearly the same size now. I stuffed the ends of the shoes with tissues. I stuck more tissues inside one of her bras so that I had an impressive bust when I pulled on my tightest T-shirt.

Jake and Kendall stared at me when I strutted into the living room.

'My goodness, Lola Rose,' said Jake.

'She looks silly,' said Kendall.

'You are silly,' I said. 'I'm going out.'

'Hang on,' said Jake. 'Are you allowed out by yourself?'

'I'm not going to be by myself. I'm meeting someone. Like a date.'

'Oh no you're not,' said Jake.

'Oh yes I am,' I said rushing to the front door.

Jake called to me to come back.

'You can't tell me what to do,' I shouted. 'You're not my dad.'

I met Steve and Andy down the road, coming back from a shopping trip, laden with Marks and Sparks carrier bags. Well, Andy was laden, two bags in either hand. Steve was swanning along carrying a plant pot. He raised his eyebrows at me and walked on, jasmine trailing decoratively down his arms. Andy stopped and balanced his shopping bags on the pavement. He mimed great delight to see me, clutching his heart.

'Why it's Lola Rose, looking gorgeous!'

'Hi, Andy,' I said. I tried to make my voice sound husky and provocative but it just sounded like I had a cold.

'Hi, Lola Rose,' he said, his own voice as gruff as he could get. I laughed, even though he was taking the mickey.

I walked on down the road, though my ankles kept twisting in Mum's high heels. I decided to go round to Harpreet's house and show them off to her. I knocked at her door. I rang the bell too, in case they hadn't heard.

'Shh!' said Harpreet, opening the door. 'My dad's having a nap.' Then she looked at me properly. 'Lola Rose!'

'Can I come and play?'

'Yeah. Well. For a bit. My mum's cooking our dinner.'

The wonderful hot savoury smell of it made my mouth water. I hoped I might get invited to share it. Harpreet took me into their front room. Her little sister Amandeep was sitting cross-legged in a corner, muttering to her Barbie dolls. Her big brother Amrit was hunched over the computer. He nodded in my direction without taking his eyes off the screen.

'Can I try your shoes on, Lola Rose?' Harpreet begged.

'Sure,' I said, slipping them off.

Harpreet wobbled around, roaring with laughter every step.

'Look, why don't you kids play shoe shops in another room?' said Amrit, sighing. Then he looked up and saw me. He stayed looking. He started telling me about the work he was doing on the computer. Then he went on about his football team at school. Then he started bragging about this band he and his mates had started up. He was the drummer. He didn't have his own drum kit but he started beating out the rhythm on the wall.

'Shut up, Amrit, you'll wake Dad,' said Harpreet.

'Dad's already awake,' said Mr Gabrie, coming into the room in his socks. He yawned. His mouth stayed open when he saw me.

'Good gracious, Lola Rose! No, it's not Lola Rose at all, silly me, she's just a little girl. You're her big sister. Good afternoon, Miss Luck, I'm delighted to meet you.'

I knew he was just kidding around, but it was fun, and Harpreet and Amandeep giggled. Amrit looked irritated.

'What's all this noise? Have you naughty children woken your poor father?' said Mrs Gabrie, putting her head round the door.

Her eyes rolled when she saw me. 'Does your mother know you're out like that, Lola Rose?' she said.

'This isn't Lola Rose, this is Lola Rose's beautiful big sister,' said Harpreet's dad. 'May I offer you a sherry, Miss Luck? Would you care for a cigarette?'

'Don't encourage her,' said Mrs Gabrie crossly. 'You'd better go home and wash your face, Lola Rose. Take those shoes off at once, Harpreet, and give them back to Lola Rose. Hurry up now, dinner's nearly ready.'

'Can Lola Rose stay for dinner?' Harpreet asked.

I looked at Mr Gabrie hopefully, but his eyes swivelled to his wife.

'I'm sorry, dear,' she said insincerely. 'There isn't enough for another person.'

'Lola Rose can eat mine. I'll be having a pizza with my mates later,' said Amrit.

I smiled at him with my shiny red lips, but Mrs Gabrie wouldn't relent.

'Nonsense,' she snapped. 'Lola Rose is going home for her own dinner now.' She looked at me beadily. 'You've got lipstick on your front teeth!'

I wanted to bite her with my stained teeth. I shrugged instead, pretending it was a totally cool new fashion to have bright red teeth. I stalked out of their house. I tripped going down their front path. I hoped they weren't watching.

My feet were hurting in Mum's shoes. It felt like I was getting a blister. Several. I knew I should go home but I'd only been gone half an hour. I'd never be able to convince Jake I'd had a real date.

I couldn't convince myself. I could call myself Lola Rose until the cows came home but I was still stuck being shy, soft old Jayni. I was never going to get pretty and sparky and sexy like Mum. I was going to get bigger and blobbier and end up like Auntie Barbara, just as Mum said. Poor elephantine Auntie Barbara who was so wibbly wobbly that no man would ever want her.

Maybe no man would ever want me. Amrit had acted like he was chatting me up, but maybe he was just having a laugh at me.

The gang of boys were hanging around outside the video shop again. Ross was there. Peter Piglet too. I knew I should run away quickly.

I didn't run. I walked towards them.

They started making the kissing noises again but I smiled this time. I walked right up to them, wobbling on Mum's high heels.

'You look daft in them shoes,' said Peter, his pink nostrils going in and out as he breathed heavily.

'You are daft, in shoes or out of them,' I said. I tried to sweep past him, but tripped.

'Whoopsie,' said Ross, and he clutched my arm to steady me.

He wasn't quite so good looking when you got close to him. His eyes were a little too close and his lips were too thin. I wasn't sure I wanted him hanging onto my arm. I tried to pull away.

'It's OK, I'm just helping you,' he said. 'It's Lola Rose, isn't it?

A tall boy in a torn T-shirt grinned. 'Lola Rose sat on a pin. Lola rose!'

It wasn't funny but they all fell about laughing. I knew they were laughing at me but I grinned too.

'So you're in Pete's class?' said Ross. 'You look older than him.'

'I act older,' I said, tossing my hair.

He still had his hand on my arm. He wasn't gripping tight but his fingers felt weird on my skin. I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. He was obviously the boss guy of the gang. He was the best looking. He was the one all the girls fancied.

He was peering at me, head on one side. 'Where are you off to then, Lola Rose?' he asked.