I went up to my room quickly and closed the door. Then I got undressed, put on one of the new nightgowns that were in the dresser drawer and crawled into bed. Finally my stomach was settled, but now my mind raced as I tried to figure out Grandpa Samuel's strange behavior. I didn't look that much like my mother, did I? I wondered. And after I had told him who I was and he seemed to remember, why did he forget again and talk to me as if I were Haille, as if he was living twenty years in the past?

"There, you see. It's Melody, our granddaughter. Melody, not Haille," Grandma Olivia insisted when I entered the dinning room to have breakfast the next morning. I was still lounging in bed when I heard the two of them walk by my room earlier that morning, and I scrambled to shower and dress as quickly as I could. Grandpa Samuel gazed up from his bowl of oatmeal and nodded, smiling at me as I took my seat at the table.

He was dressed in a sports jacket and wore a tie, but he had done a poor job shaving his face. There were patches of gray stubble on his chin and along his jaw.

"He was raving last night," Grandma Olivia continued, "talking stupidity again, telling me Haille was back."

"Good morning, Grandpa Samuel," I said, concerned that he'd give away my early morning wandering. His eyes looked glassy, distant, however. I gazed questioningly at Grandma Olivia.

"He's slipping away," she muttered, "into his dotage."

"What's that, Olivia?" he asked. "What about the cottage?"

"I didn't say anything about any cottage, you fool," she snapped. "I want you to see the doctor about that hearing aid today. I told Raymond to take you over there."

"Oh. Fine, fine. I've got time today," he said and she laughed.

"You hear that? He can find the time in his busy schedule today."

I gazed at him. He was so different and it had happened so quickly, I thought. I turned again to Grandma Olivia, who saw the confusion in my face.

"He's been like this ever since Jacob's death,"

she explained. "It hit him like a sledgehammer and aged him years in minutes."

Grandpa Samuel blew on his spoonful of oatmeal and gazed absently ahead, looking through me.

"Oh, how sad," I said.

"As is much of life," Grandma Olivia instructed. "That's why it's important to learn how to deal with unpleasantness, how to accept what you can't change and move on to what you can. Don't ever waste your time again on lost causes. Time is too precious. You're young now, so you think you'll be young forever, but one day you'll wake up and find yourself unable to count the wrinkles and the gray hairs and you'll have aches and pains where you never had them before."

She turned back to Grandpa Samuel.

"If you keep blowing on that same spoonful, Samuel, it will turn to ice. Eat it already."

"What's that? Oh, yes. I have time today. I have time," he muttered.

"I don't know why I bother," Grandma Olivia said. "He'll soon be in the room next to my sister.

You'll see."

"Maybe with time-" I said.

"With time he'll grow worse. There's no sense wasting tears over it. What are your plans for today?

Do you have everything you need for the start of school? I believe that's next week if I'm not mistaken."

"Yes, it is. I've got everything I need. I was hoping to go visit Cary and Aunt Sara and May," I said.

"That pathetic woman. All she does, day and night, is cry. Her eyes are so bloodshot, it's a wonder she can still see out of them."

"I'm sure it's been very hard for all of them," I said, remembering how awful I felt after my stepdaddy Chester died.

"Jacob had a good insurance policy. There's adequate money for the way they live, and I made sure they had a little more. They won't starve or go without necessities," she said tersely.

"I'm talking about more than money," I said, amazed that she showed no emotion when she talked about the death of her son.

She laughed as if I had said something hilarious. "Yes, when you find out what that is, let me know." "I already know. It's love, concern, friendship . . .".

"No one loves anyone more than he or she loves him or herself. You'll discover that."

"I hope not," I said.

"You already have," she replied. "What could be more intense than a mother's love for her own child? And yet, your mother loves herself more. Don't think romantic love is any different. Men and women crave each other, pledge all sorts of things to each other when they're young and in love, and then, time goes by and they begin to grow apart. Their own interests become most important again. Before you know it," she said gazing at Grandpa Samuel, who was blowing on another spoonful of oatmeal, "thirty-five years have gone by and you hardly know the man who shares your bed. And if he doesn't end up calling you by some other name, you're fortunate.

"Don't place too much faith in romantic love, Melody."

"What do you believe in, Grandma Olivia?"

"I told you, family, name, reputation, self-respect." She dabbed her lips with her napkin and rose. "For today and only today, I'll permit Raymond to cart you over to Sara's before he takes Samuel to the ear doctor, but I don't intend to have him do that every time you get it into your head to go there.

"Samuel," she snapped. "Do you intend to play with your food all morning?"

"What? Oh? Is it time to go?"

"It was time to go a long time ago," she said wistfully. The sadness in her voice caught my ear and I stared at her for a moment. She quickly realized I was looking at her and rose from the table. "Finish your breakfast, Melody. I'll have Raymond wait for you in the drive."

As soon as I had finished breakfast, I joined Grandpa Samuel in the car. When Raymond brought me to Aunt Sara's, I expected Cary would have already left to go on the lobster boat, but when I got out of the car and knocked on the door, it was he who opened it and gazed out at me, his eyes first full of surprise and then, full of joy.

"Melody! You're back!"

"Hello, Cary," I said smiling.

He started toward me to embrace me and then saw Grandma Olivia's car pulling away.

"What was Raymond doing here? Where are you suitcases? How long have you been back in Provincetown?" he asked, rapidly firing his questions at me.

"I got in yesterday, but I was so tired from the trip that I fell asleep as soon as I put my head on the pillow and slept into the night," I said.

"Slept? Slept where? You went to Grandma Olivia's house first? Why?"

"Where are Aunt Sara and May?" I asked instead of replying.

"Inside. What's going on? Why did you go to Grandma Olivia's first? You're going to stay with her after all, aren't you?" he demanded.

"Yes, Cary. I am."

"Why?"

"You remember we had this discussion before I left, when I had learned Judge Childs was my real grandfather and Kenneth was my uncle."

"Yes, but-"

"None of that's changed, Cary, and with my mother really not dead and buried-"

"But no one knows it and with Dad gone-"

"That's just it. I . . . just think it's best for now.

Your mother has enough to do and, well, now, especially with everyone believing my mother's dead and buried, Grandma Olivia thinks this is better for all concerned. But just as I promised before I left, I'll see you every day," I added quickly.

His green eyes seemed to pierce right through me as his lips curved up in a disdainful smile.

"I didn't think you'd go through with it after your trip to California, but I guess now that you've tasted wealth and glamour, you'd rather live in the mansion, right?"

"No, that's not it," I protested, shaking my head.

"There's no question she can do far more for you than we can," he continued, folding his arms across his chest and pulling his shoulders back. "I don't blame you."

"Stop talking to me like that, Cary. You don't understand."

"Oh, I understand. That's my trouble. I understand too much," he said.

This time I permitted the burning tears to course down my face.

"Visiting my mother was a disaster. First, her boyfriend Archie, or Richard Marlin, or whoever he really is, tried to get me into a pornographic movie and Mommy approved," I said. Cary's cold smirk evaporated a bit. "Then he tried to . . tried to rape me and she believed him when he said it was my fault.

She was happy to see me go. She has everyone believing she's not much older than I am. She told them I was her sister and I had to pretend to be her sister.

"I have no parents anymore. No one who truly cares about me!" I cried.

"You have me, Melody, and May and my mother. . . . You know she needs someone to fill Laura's place in her heart."

"That's just it . . . Laura's place. I appreciate that, but I've got to become myself and I'm afraid, Cary. I'm afraid that now, more than ever," I confessed, hiding my eyes as I did so, "your mother will want me to be Laura. I'm sorry," I said. I wiped away more tears. He was silent.

"I know what you mean but . . . I just . . ."

"You think I want to live with Grandma Olivia?

She's cruel in ways I don't even understand, but she's strong, Cary, and if ever there was a time I needed someone strong, it's now."

"I'm strong," he proclaimed.

"You are, but you have to be strong for your mother and your sister first, especially right now," I said. "Later, when the time is right, I want you to be strong for me, too."

That brought a warm smile to his face. He thought a moment and then he nodded and stepped closer to embrace me. I loved the feel of his strong arms around my body. I wished I could sink into him and be safe and secure behind the walls of his love forever and ever.

He kissed away a lingering tear and brushed back my hair.

"I thought I had lost you forever," he said. "I thought you would fall in love with Hollywood."

"I hated it, Cary, at least the part I saw. It's not the place for me or for my mother, but she just hasn't realized it yet. I'm afraid that when she finally understands, it will destroy her."

"Grandma Olivia is right, Melody. You need to forget about Haille. You've come home to us. You need to start thinking about the future." He looked up at me sheepishly. "I never thought I'd ever agree with her about anything."

"I know. I hate to say this, but I think we both have a lot to learn from her."

He laughed and then grew serious.

"You saw how bad Grandpa Samuel is, I suppose." "Yes. It's as if something snapped in his head when your father died."

Cary nodded and tears glistened in his eyes, too. He swallowed quickly and then smiled again.

"Well, May will be very happy to see you, and so will Ma. Come on in," he added, stepping aside. He kissed my cheek again and we entered the house.

May was at Aunt Sara's feet reading and Aunt Sara was doing some needlework, her hands working mechanically, her min-of obviously elsewhere. Aunt Sara lifted her eyes slowly and when she saw me, her face softened into the most loving and wonderful smile, the smile I had wished to find on my own mother's face but didn't.

"Melody!" She put her needlework down and the action caught May's attention. The moment May saw me, her face exploded with happiness and she jumped up to run into my arms. I held her tightly and then she pulled back and began signing with such speed, I couldn't keep up.

"Slow down," Cary signed. "She's so full of questions she will exhaust you much quicker than any cross-country trip."

I laughed and stepped forward to embrace Aunt Sara. "I'm so sorry, Aunt Sara."

"I know, dear. He fought hard. The doctors said he fought until the end. He did not go 'gentle into that good night." "

"Not Dad," Cary said proudly. "He was a real Logan."

For a moment I thought about Grandma Olivia's words concerning family dignity and I smiled at Cary's pride.

"Come, sit with me and tell us all about your journey. Where are you suitcases? Has Cary brought them upstairs already?" she asked looking from me to him. Cary didn't say anything.

"I'm going to stay with Grandma Olivia for now, Aunt Sara. With Grandpa Samuel the way he is and all, I think she wants my company," I explained.

It wasn't such a terrible white lie, I thought. Actually, I hoped it was true.

"Oh. I see," she said fighting hard to hide her disappointment. She forced a smile. "Well, she can do so much for you. Of course you should stay with her.

That's very good. So then, that woman wasn't Haille after all?"

I looked at Cary, whose eyes told me he hadn't said a word to her.

"No, Aunt Sara, the woman I found was not the mother I was hoping to find."

"Oh, how sad." She nodded with a small smile.

"But at least you're back here, home with us, with your family again. You must tell us all about California. I've never been there."

I sat beside her on the sofa and told them about my trip. May sat at my feet, watching my hands, and Cary sat in what had always been his father's chair, listening, his eyes fixed on me.