"He 'appened to give a 'alf-look towards the bed as 'e did so, and then 'e started back and rubbed 'is eyes and told 'imself he'd be better in a minute. Then 'e looked agin, for 'is wife was nowhere to be seen, and in the bed all fast and sound asleep and snoring their 'ardest was little d.i.c.k Weed the tailor and Mrs. Weed and the baby.

"Job Brown rubbed 'is eyes again, and then 'e drew hisself up to 'is full height, and putting one 'and on the chest o' drawers to steady hisself stood there staring at 'em and getting madder and madder every second. Then 'e gave a nasty cough, and d.i.c.k and Mrs. Weed an' the baby all woke up and stared at 'im as though they could 'ardly believe their eyesight.

"'Wot do you want?' ses d.i.c.k Weed, starting up.

"'Get up,' ses Job, 'ardly able to speak. I'm surprised at you. Get up out o' my bed direckly.'

"'Your bed?' screams little d.i.c.k; 'you're the worse for licker, Job Brown. Can't you see you've come into the wrong house?'

"'Eh?' ses Job, staring. 'Wrong 'ouse? Well, where's mine, then?'

"'Next door but one, same as it always was,' ses d.i.c.k. 'Will you go?'

"'A' right,' ses Job, staring. 'Well, goo'-night, d.i.c.k. Goo'-night, Mrs.

Weed. Goo'-night, baby.'

"'Good-night,' ses Mrs. Weed from under the bedclothes.

"'Goo'-night, baby,' ses Job, again.

"'It can't talk yet,' ses d.i.c.k. 'Will you go?

"'Can't talk-why not?' ses Job.

"d.i.c.k didn't answer 'im.

"'Well, goo'-night, d.i.c.k,' he ses agin.

"'Good-night,' ses d.i.c.k from between 'is teeth.

"'Goo'-night, Mrs. Weed,' ses Job.

"Mrs. Weed forced herself to say 'good-night' agin.

"'Goo'-night, baby,' ses Job.

"'Look 'ere,' ses d.i.c.k, raving, 'are you goin' to stay 'ere all night, Job Brown?'

"Job didn't answer 'im, but began to go downstairs, saying 'goo'-night'

as 'e went, and he'd got pretty near to the bottom when he suddenly wondered wot 'e was going downstairs for instead of up, and lading gently at 'is foolishness for making sich a mistake 'e went upstairs agin. His surprise when 'e see d.i.c.k Weed and Mrs. Weed and the baby all in 'is bed pretty near took 'is breath away.

"'Wot are you doing in my bed?' he ses.

"'It's our bed,' ses d.i.c.k, trembling all over with rage. 'I've told you afore you've come into the wrong 'ouse.'

"'Wrong 'ouse,' ses Job, staring round the room. 'I b'leeve you're right. Goo'-night, d.i.c.k; goo'-night, Mrs. Weed; goo'-night, baby.'

"d.i.c.k jumped out of bed then and tried to push 'im out of the room, but 'e was a very small man, and Job just stood there and wondered wot he was doing. Mrs. Weed and the baby both started screaming one against the other, and at last d.i.c.k pushed the window open and called out for help.

"They 'ad the neighbours in then, and the trouble they 'ad to get Job downstairs wouldn't be believed. Mrs. Pottle went for 'is wife at last, and then Job went 'ome with 'er like a lamb, asking 'er where she'd been all the evening, and saying 'e'd been looking for 'er everywhere.

"There was such a to-do about it in the village next morning that Job Brown was fairly scared. All the wimmen was out at their doors talking about it, and saying wot a shame it was and 'ow silly Mrs. Weed was to put up with it. Then old Mrs. Gumm, 'er grandmother, who was eighty-eight years old, stood outside Job's 'ouse nearly all day, shaking 'er stick at 'im and daring of 'im to come out. Wot with Mrs.

Gumm and the little crowd watching 'er all day and giving 'er good advice, which she wouldn't take, Job was afraid to show 'is nose outside the door.

"He wasn't like hisself that night up at the Cauliflower. 'E sat up in the corner and wouldn't take any notice of anybody, and it was easy to see as he was thoroughly ashamed of hisself.

"'Cheer up, Job,' says Bill Chambers, at last; 'you ain't the fust man as has made a fool of hisself.'

"'Mind your own business,' ses Job Brown, 'and I'll mind mine.'

"'Why don't you leave 'im alone, Bill?' ses Henery White; 'you can see the man is worried because the baby can't talk.'

"'Oh,' ses Bill, 'I thought 'e was worried because 'is wife could.'

"All the chaps, except Job, that is, laughed at that; but Job 'e got up and punched the table, and asked whether there was anybody as would like to go outside with him for five minutes. Then 'e sat down agin, and said 'ard things agin the drink, which 'ad made 'im the larfing-stock of all the fools in Claybury.

"'I'm going to give it up, Smith,' he ses.

"'Yes, I know you are,' ses Smith.

"'If I could on'y lose the taste of it for a time I could give it up,'

ses Job, wiping 'is mouth, 'and to prove I'm in earnest I'll give five pounds to anybody as'll prevent me tasting intoxicating licker for a month.'

"'You may as well save your breath to bid people "good-night" with, Job,' ses Bill Chambers; 'you wouldn't pay up if anybody did keep you off it.'

"Job swore honour bright he would, but n.o.body believed 'im, and at last he called for pen and ink and wrote it all down on a sheet o' paper and signed it, and then he got two other chaps to sign it as witnesses.

"Bill Chambers wasn't satisfied then. He pointed out that earning the five pounds, and then getting it out o' Job Brown arterwards, was two such entirely different things that there was no likeness between 'em at all. Then Job Brown got so mad 'e didn't know wot 'e was doing, and 'e 'anded over five pounds to Smith the landlord and wrote on the paper that he was to give it to anybody who should earn it, without consulting 'im at all. Even Bill couldn't think of anything to say agin that, but he made a point of biting all the sovereigns.

"There was quite a excitement for a few days. Henery White 'e got a 'eadache with thinking, and Joe Gubbins, 'e got a 'eadache for drinking Job Brown's beer agin. There was all sorts o' wild ways mentioned to earn that five pounds, but they didn't come to anything.

"Arter a week had gone by Job Brown began to get restless like, and once or twice 'e said in Smith's hearing 'ow useful five pounds would be.

Smith didn't take any notice, and at last Job told 'im there didn't seem any likelihood of the five pounds being earned, and he wanted it to buy pigs with. The way 'e went on when Smith said 'e 'adn't got the power to give it back, and 'e'd got to keep it in trust for anybody as might earn it, was disgraceful.

"He used to ask Smith for it every night, and Smith used to give 'im the same answer, until at last Job Brown said he'd go an' see a lawyer about it. That frightened Smith a bit, and I b'lieve he'd ha' 'anded it over, but two days arterwards Job was going upstairs so careful that he fell down to the bottom and broke 'is leg.

"It was broken in two places, and the doctor said it would be a long job, owing to 'is drinking habits, and 'e gave Mrs. Brown strict orders that Job wasn't to 'ave a drop of anything, even if 'e asked for it.

"There was a lot o' talk about it up at the Cauliflower 'ere, and Henery White, arter a bad 'eadache, thought of a plan by which 'e and Bill Chambers could 'ave that five pounds atween 'em. The idea was that Bill Chambers was to go with Henery to see Job, and take 'im a bottle of beer, and jist as Job was going to drink it Henery should knock it out of 'is 'ands, at the same time telling Bill Chambers 'e ought to be ashamed o' hisself.

"It was a good idea, and, as Henery White said, if Mrs. Brown was in the room so much the better, as she'd be a witness. He made Bill swear to keep it secret for fear of other chaps doing it arterwards, and then they bought a bottle o' beer and set off up the road to Job's. The annoying part of it was, arter all their trouble and Henery White's 'eadache, Mrs. Brown wouldn't let 'em in. They begged and prayed of 'er to let 'em go up and just 'ave a peep at 'im, but she wouldn't She said she'd go upstairs and peep for 'em, and she came down agin and said that 'e was a little bit flushed, but sleeping like a lamb.

"They went round the corner and drank the ale up, and Bill Chambers said it was a good job. Henery thought 'e was clever, because n.o.body else did. As for 'is 'eadaches, he put 'em down to over-eating.

"Several other chaps called to see Job, but none of them was allowed to go up, and for seven weeks that unfortunate man never touched a drop of anything. The doctor tried to persuade 'im now that 'e 'ad got the start to keep it, and 'e likewise pointed out that as 'e had been without liquor for over a month, he could go and get that five pounds back out o' Smith.

"Job promised that 'e would give it up; but the fust day 'e felt able to crawl on 'is crutches he made up 'is mind to go up to the Cauliflower and see whether gin and beer tasted as good as it used to. The only thing was 'is wife might stop 'im.

"'You're done up with nursing me, old gal,' he ses to 'is wife.