I calmly bide my time. When it comes then men shall see that I am no soulless creature, but a human being with a head and a heart, who can think and feel. It is frightfully egotistical of me to make you a sharer in every thing that concerns me. It brings light to me, but to you, it must be vexation! Everything for myself, nothing for you. I long to tell you everything simply because I love you so much. Draw back from me, thrust me from your thoughts, from your heart, forget me, let me struggle alone, for O G.o.d, you do not know into what a wasps' nest you stick your hand, when you reach it out to me!

Let me alone, I shall only be thankful for your sympathy and because you have crossed the path of my life and caused sunshine and flowers to fall across it. Let our meeting be as that of ships on the wide ocean that pa.s.s in the dark night. A meeting--a blithe greeting--a foamy track through the smooth water and then--no more! But I fear--I know that you could never go--by like that--even though you might wish it. Let us never speak of it again.

A little while ago in talking to Mama, about something of interest to women, I told her what I had said so many times before, that nothing attracted me more, that nothing was more longed for by me than to be able to fly alone upon my own wings. Mama said, "But there is no one now, not among us, who does that!"

"Then it is time that some one should do it."

"But you know very well that every beginning is difficult. That the fate of every innovator is hard. That misunderstanding, disappointment on top of disappointment, ridicule, all await you; do you realize that?"

"I know it. But it is not today nor yesterday that these ideas have come to me; they have lived in me for years."

"But what will come of it for yourself? Will it bring you contentment, make you happy?"

"I know that the way I wish to go is difficult, full of thorns, thistles, pitfalls; it is stormy, rough, slippery and it is--free! And even though I shall not be happy after I have reached my goal, though I may give way before it is half reached, I shall die gladly, for the path will then have been broken, and I shall have helped to clear the way which leads to freedom and independence for the native woman. I shall feel a great content because the parents of other girls who wished to become independent would never be able to say 'There is no one, not among us, who does that.'"

Strange, but I am not uneasy or disturbed; I am calm and full of courage; only my stupid, foolish heart feels sick.

[1] To Mevrouw Abendanon.

XIII

_October, 1900._[1]

I wish to prepare myself to teach the two grades, lower and higher; and also to take courses in hygiene, bandaging and the care of the sick.

Later I should like to take a language course. First to learn thoroughly my own mother tongue. I want to go on with my studies in Holland, because Holland seems to me in all respects a more suitable place of preparation for the great task which I would undertake.

How shall we greet each other when we meet at last? I know exactly what you will say to me at first: "But child how stout you have grown!"

And I shall whisper between two hugs, "I have grown old, both outwardly and inwardly, but that little spot in my heart where love is written in golden letters remains the same, for ever young."

[1] To Mevrouw Ovink-Soer.

XIV

_9th January, 1901._[1]

New conditions will come into the Javanese world, if not through us, through others who will come after us. Emanc.i.p.ation is in the air; it has been foreordained. And she whose destiny it is to be the spiritual mother of the new age must suffer. It is the eternal law of nature: those who bear, must feel the pain of bearing; but the child has all our love, though its very existence, above that of all others living, has hara.s.sed us. Though it has been received through suffering, it is eternally precious to us.

Nothing is more miserable than to feel the power to work within one, and yet to be condemned to idleness. Thank G.o.d, this curse has been taken from me.

A short while ago, a professor from Jena, Dr. Anton, with his wife, was here with us; he was travelling in pursuance of his studies. They came here to make our acquaintance.

I am afraid that people see too much in me. I am certain that they allow themselves to be misled through the charm of novelty and perhaps also through sympathy. We are a novelty to many people, especially to those from a distance, to whom everything that is new is more or less attractive. The professor expected us to be half savage, and found us quite like ordinary people. The strangeness was all in our headdress, clothes and surroundings, and these merely gave to the common place a stamp of individuality.

Is it not pleasant to find one's own thoughts reflected in another? And when the other is a stranger, some one of another race, from another part of the world, of different blood, manners and customs, it but adds to the charm of kinship of soul.

Still I am convinced that not a quarter so much notice would have been taken of us, if we had worn petticoats instead of sarong and kabaja; had Dutch manners, and if European instead of Javanese blood had flowed through our veins.

Our friends made us a present of several books; among them that splendid work by Baroness von Suttner, "De Wapens Neer Gelegd" (Lay down your arms).

I have read several other books, among which "Moderne Maagden"[2]

impressed me most, because I had found in it much that I myself had thought and experienced. Marcel Prevost has spoken the truth, and knows how to express his ideas, I think his book very beautiful. Nowhere have I seen the aim of the "Woman's movement" expressed with so much truth and power. Still I am just as far from the solution of that great problem as I was before making the acquaintance of "M.M."

I do not take it amiss that the writer--and this not in a spirit of childish mockery--represents all opponents of the woman's movement with the exception of Fedi and Lea, as absolutely base and detestable. What splendid words he puts into the mouth of the lovable and deformed apostle of feminism--Piruet--at the end of the book-words which express clearly the whole aim of the woman's movement. I have taken a double pleasure in this book because a man thought of it and wrote it.

Just before I read "Moderne Maagden," I wrote long letters to my two best friends here. Now I want to write to them again while I am still under its influence. I want to point out the a.n.a.logies between much that is in the book and both the intimate letters.

[2] Dutch version of "Les vierges fortes" by Marcel Prevost.

I wish that I had some one here to talk to me about "M.M." There is so much in it that I should like to discuss with some one of experience and understanding.

I have a great deal to tell you about the establishment of schools for native girls. It is now generally discussed but I must be brief today.

The plan of Dr. Abendanon was looked upon with interest by every one.

Many influential European officials gave it their warm support, and it is upon them its success depends.

We have many friends among the high European officials and these are striving with Dr. Abendanon to lift our native women out of their age-long misery. There are also many unknown to us personally who are deeply interested in the cause. I shall send you a circular by Dr.

Abendanon addressed to the heads of the provincial Government, concerning the establishment of these schools. "In all ages the progress of woman has been an important factor in the civilization of a people."

"The intellectual education of the Javanese people can never progress if the woman is to be left behind."

"The woman as the carrier of civilization." Stella, does not your heart beat warmly for our friend?

For the last year there has been great progress among the natives. They are growing more earnest and are interested in the study of your beautiful language. Many Europeans see this with regretful eyes.

Although there are others who are n.o.ble-minded and rejoice.

In many cities small Dutch schools have sprung up like mushrooms, and they are filled with little children as well as with grown men, who have been for years in the service of the state.

Influential men in the Government, with the Governor-General at their head, are strongly in favour of spreading the Dutch language among the natives, not only for enlightenment but as a means of bringing the Javanese nearer to the Hollanders; so that these last may seem, not as strangers, but as loved protectors.

[1] To Mejuffrouw Zeehandelaar.