The Nail smiled and took another toke. Too bad he wasn't with the band anymore. Maybe him and the drummer could've like worked that up into a song or something. That'd be cool.

He missed Polio. Best d.a.m.n punk thrasher band in the world, man, and he'd played ba.s.s for them. Well, for a few months, anyway. Until they kicked him out for not showing up.

But it'd been a good few months. That was when he'd picked up the name The Nail. Well, not picked up, actually. That was when he'd started calling himself The Nail. You needed a name like The Nail if you was playing for Polio. Like who'd want a ba.s.s player named Joey DeCiglia?

And The Nail was such such a cool name, having like a double meaning and all. a cool name, having like a double meaning and all.

But even with a handle like The Nail and having gigged with Polio, there wasn't no work out there. Least not for him. s.h.i.t, yeah, he got auditions just by name-dropping Polio, and everybody was real interested in hearing him... until they heard him.

Then it was like, don't call us, man...

Yeah, well, f.u.c.k you too.

He sucked the joint down to his fingertips and tossed the roach out the window. Not worth saving, man.

After a bunch of wasted auditions, The Nail said goodbye to the music scene. He had his pride, man. As a lark, he started boosting stuff and selling it off. Wound up making more that way than any of the nowhere, no-name thrasher bands who never called him were gonna pay him.

But then Tina goes and gets herself knocked up and tries to tell him the kid's his. Sure. Right. Like with the way she jumps on anything upright and hard, he's gonna believe that s.h.i.t? No f.u.c.king way.

Then she gets all f.u.c.ked up in the head and won't have an abortion. Nah. She's gonna have the kid and be a mommy. she gets all f.u.c.ked up in the head and won't have an abortion. Nah. She's gonna have the kid and be a mommy.

Right. Mommy Tina. Sure.

But surprise, surprise. She's goes through with it. And of course the kid's born like totally wasted. And then the word comes down that it's got f.u.c.king AIDS, man. AIDS AIDS!

That meant Tina had the bug, and that that blew The Nail's mind. f.u.c.k, he could have it too, what with s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g Tina all the time and sharing needles. He should've gotten tested right then, but he was too scared, man. Like he didn't want to blew The Nail's mind. f.u.c.k, he could have it too, what with s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g Tina all the time and sharing needles. He should've gotten tested right then, but he was too scared, man. Like he didn't want to know know.

But for Tina, it was like she wasn't even sick and like the kid wasn't sick either. Her head was royally f.u.c.ked. So she was all broke up when they took the baby away from her.

And she kept telling him it was his his kid. Kept saying how it looked just like him. So one day last week she finally hounded him into going over to this place where they keep the kid and look after it. The Nail didn't know what had gotten into him-maybe that Ceylonese brown they'd been using had got him over-mellowed-but he was glad he'd given in. Because as he was hanging around the place, he saw people carrying a bunch of Christmas gifts through this doorway. He took a peek, figuring he might be able to make off with something small, but he saw a whole room kid. Kept saying how it looked just like him. So one day last week she finally hounded him into going over to this place where they keep the kid and look after it. The Nail didn't know what had gotten into him-maybe that Ceylonese brown they'd been using had got him over-mellowed-but he was glad he'd given in. Because as he was hanging around the place, he saw people carrying a bunch of Christmas gifts through this doorway. He took a peek, figuring he might be able to make off with something small, but he saw a whole room filled filled with toys. Whoa. with toys. Whoa.

Merry Christmas to me.

He did the place two nights later.

And the coolest part of the whole thing was the news coverage. s.h.i.t, man, last night you couldn't turn a radio or TV without hearing about "the AIDS baby Christmas toy theft." He'd spent hours hopping from channel to channel, one news show after the other, grinning like a total a.s.shole.

That was him they were talking about. The Nail.

The only bad thing was, he couldn't tell anyone. At least not until he'd sold off the stuff. After that he could talk all he wanted because the toys would be gone and no one could prove nothing.

The only thing he didn't get was how p.i.s.sed off and disgusted all the news geeks acted. Like it really mattered to them. Bulls.h.i.t. Everybody knew how stupid it was to waste presents on those AIDS kids. Really, how long were they going to live anyway? Weren't going to be around long enough to appreciate them. Total waste, man.

Leave it to The Nail to put the stuff to good use.

And it'd been so f.u.c.king simple. All he'd had to do was- The Nail jumped as he heard a skree-eek skree-eek behind him. He twisted around in his seat. That sounded like- behind him. He twisted around in his seat. That sounded like- It was! s.h.i.t, some a.s.shole had opened one of the truck's back doors. And now he was flashing a light inside.

His first thought was cops, but he hadn't seen a fuzz-mobile pull up. And The Nail knew cops had to follow certain rules about searches.

The buyer? Maybe, but he didn't think so. More likely some strung-out junkie trying to boost his his stuff. stuff.

The Nail pulled out the automatic and chambered a round. He'd put an end to that s.h.i.t real real quick. quick.

He jumped out and ran around to the back of the truck.

"Hey, man. What the f.u.c.k you think-?"

n.o.body there. And both rear doors closed. The Nail scanned the alley up and down: not a f.u.c.king soul in sight.

He couldn't have imagined it. The weed hadn't been that that strong. And he'd heard the noise. He'd strong. And he'd heard the noise. He'd seen seen the light. the light.

Better check to see if anything was missing.

But as The Nail reached for the handle, the right door sprang open and slammed into him, knocking him flat. He landed on his back, rolled, and popped to his feet, the gun stuck out ahead of him. He saw the open door of the truck, but no one there.

And then he heard a deep voice.

"Ho-ho-ho!"

The Nail looked up and saw this fat guy with a white beard in a red suit standing on top of the truck.

The guy did his ho-ho-ho thing again, then shouted, "So you're you're the one who stole the toys I was putting aside for the AIDS babies! No one steals Santa's toys and gets away with it!" the one who stole the toys I was putting aside for the AIDS babies! No one steals Santa's toys and gets away with it!"

Aw, man. This a.s.shole thinks he's Santa Claus!

The Nail raised the pistol and plugged a round into his heart.

Santa f.u.c.king Claus flew backward off the top of the truck like someone had yanked a leash wrapped around his neck.

No one steals Santa's toys and gets away with it?

s.h.i.t, yeah. I I steal steal anybody's anybody's f.u.c.king toys and do what I d.a.m.n well f.u.c.king please, a.s.shole! f.u.c.king toys and do what I d.a.m.n well f.u.c.king please, a.s.shole!

The Nail hurried around the side of the truck. Time to put another slug in Santa Hole...

But he wasn't there.

"What the f.u.c.k?" The Nail said aloud.

And then something red and white popped up from the shadows behind a garbage can and slammed a white-gloved fist into his face.

The Nail had heard about seeing stars, but he'd never believed it. Now he did. He heard his nose go crunch crunch as his face erupted in a star-studded explosion of pain. He staggered back, caught the heel of his shoe on some alley s.h.i.t, and felt himself falling backward. as his face erupted in a star-studded explosion of pain. He staggered back, caught the heel of his shoe on some alley s.h.i.t, and felt himself falling backward.

He windmilled his arms, trying to keep his balance, but he was out of control. He went down hard.

And when he looked up, Santa was leaning over him.

"You think you can stop Santa Claus with a bullet? A mere bullet bullet? Think again, sonny!"

The voice wasn't quite as deep and strong as it had been a moment ago, but the guy was still standing. And there, not two feet from The Nail's face, was a bullet hole in the red fabric of his suit. Right over his heart.

s.h.i.t! What was going down here? The f.u.c.ker should be dead, man.

Unless of course he really was was Santa Claus. Santa Claus.

But that was crazy.

But so was the guy in the red suit! The Nail saw his eyes gleaming between his white beard and the furry brim of his hat. Whoever he was-h.e.l.l, maybe he really was Santa Claus-he was p.i.s.sed. Royally Royally p.i.s.sed. p.i.s.sed.

The Nail started to raise the pistol for another shot, but Santa stomped a foot down on his arm.

"Don't bother trying again, sonny! You can't kill Santa Claus!"

The Nail levered himself up and reached across, trying to grab the gun with his free hand, but Santa clocked him again with a brain-jarring right, rocking his head back against the pavement.

Santa had a punch like a f.u.c.king mule kick.

The Nail felt the gun ripped from his hand, heard it skitter across the asphalt. After that, things got fuzzy.

And painful.

The Nail remembered getting flipped over onto his belly, grabbed by his collar and his waistband, and hauled off the ground.

"I checked my list," Santa said. "Checked it twice, in fact. It says you've been naughty, sonny. Very Very naughty!" naughty!"

Then Santa started using him like a battering ram.

Slam! Headfirst against the b.u.mper of the truck.

"Know what happens when you steal from Santa Claus? This This!"

Slam! Headfirst into a bunch of trash cans lining the alley.

"If I decide to let you live, spread the word: Don't mess with Santa Claus!"

The Nail was spun around and flung face-first against one of the alley's brick walls.

He let out a puny groan of agony as he slid down the wall, feeling like a splattered egg oozing toward the ground.

But it wasn't over. Not by a long shot. The Nail felt his consciousness fading over the next ten minutes as Santa used him like some sort of rag to wipe up the alley.

Finally Santa released him. The Nail dropped to the ground, a puddle of agony on the broken pavement. He felt his breath bubbling through his b.l.o.o.d.y mouth. He was sure his jaw was broken. And his ribs-every breath was a dozen stab wounds. Was it over? He hoped so. He prayed prayed it was over. it was over.

Just leave me be, he thought. Just take the toys, take the whole d.a.m.n truck and go. Hitch your f.u.c.king reindeer to the b.u.mper and you and Rudolph take off. Just don't mess me up anymore. Please.

But just as he finished the thought, he felt hands go under his armpits and lift him.

"No," he managed to groan past his shattered teeth. "Please... no more."

"Should have thought of that before, sonny. Stealing from defenseless little sick kids puts you on Santa's ultra-naughty list."

"I'm sorry." It came out a faint whine. Totally wimpy.

"Well, good. I'm glad to hear it. And I'll take that into consideration next Christmas. But you complicated things by trying to kill Santa. That's very very naughty. Santa doesn't like to be shot. It makes him cranky. naughty. Santa doesn't like to be shot. It makes him cranky. Very Very cranky." cranky."

"Oh, no..."

Something rough and long slithered past The Nail's cheek, and true panic set in. Rope Rope! Oh, f.u.c.k no. Santa was going to string him up!

But then he felt the rope snake under his arms instead of around his neck. That was a relief. Of sorts. It still hurt like all h.e.l.l when the rope tightened around his shattered ribs. He was lifted and seated on the truck's rickety b.u.mper, then tied there.

"Wha-?"

"Quiet, sonny," Santa said in a low voice that had lost all its heartiness. "Don't say another word." say another word."

The Nail looked up. Everything-Santa, the alley, the whole f.u.c.king world world-was mostly a blur... except for Santa's eyes. He'd always thought Santa had blue eyes, but these were brown, and The Nail shriveled up inside when he saw the rage bubbling behind them.

Santa wasn't just p.i.s.sed. Santa was bugf.u.c.k nuts.

The Nail closed his eyes while Santa taped something to his head. By the time it squeezed through to his battered brain that he shouldn't let Santa-even this homicidal psycho Santa-tie him to the front of a truck, it was too late. He tried to wriggle free but the rope that lashed him to the grille crisscrossed his body around the shoulders and between the legs. His legs and his arms were free, but all the knots were somewhere behind him.

With a cold sick certainty, The Nail realized he wasn't going nowhere. Not under his own steam, anyway.

He stiffened as he heard the old engine rumble and shudder to life against his back. He began to blubber as the truck lurched into motion.

Santa was going to run him into the wall!

But no. The truck bounced out of the alley onto the street. After that it was a nightmare ride through the Lower East Side with people staring, pointing, some even laughing, then crosstown on Fourteenth with the truck swerving from lane to lane, running lights, screeching to a halt, inches-inches!-from rear b.u.mpers and fenders, then roaring into motion again.

All that was bad enough, man, but when the westbound lanes weren't moving fast enough, the truck swerved into the oncoming traffic and played chicken with a banged-up yellow cab. The Nail knew f.u.c.k sure ol' Santa wasn't going to back down, and for the few screaming, terror-filled heartbeats that it looked like the cab wasn't going to either, The Nail lost it. Literally. Warm liquid spilled down his left leg.

But the cab lunged out of the way at the last second and the truck got back on the right side of the street and began accelerating.

A cop! The Nail had never dreamed he'd be in any circ.u.mstance when he'd want to see a cop on his tail, but here it was. And where were they? Why wasn't there ever a f.u.c.king cop around when you needed one?

The truck fishtailed into a wide, screeching turn onto what The Nail thought might be Seventh Avenue, but he couldn't be sure because he closed his eyes as they scooted within a hair of a horn-blaring bus. Then the truck jumped the curb and scattered terrified pedestrians before skidding to a halt on the sidewalk.

As the engine cut out, The Nail whimpered and waited in terror to see what Santa had planned for him next. But Santa said nothing, did nothing. The Nail twisted around and looked through the windshield. Santa was gone.

But The Nail wasn't alone. A crowd of gawkers was gathering, forming a semicircle around him and the truck, staring, pointing at his b.l.o.o.d.y face, his pee-stained pants, and whatever it was Santa had taped to his head. Someone laughed. Others joined in.

The Nail wanted to die.

And then he heard the sirens.