I saw Calvus early this morning, I told my parents as we ate lunch. I tried to sound offhand. He had a cart overflowing with merchandise.

He has good taste, my father said. Everything he chooses is quality. Talked me out of the purple cloak. We will have to make another, though I am out of purple dye.

Dont you . . . dont you feel that you have given him enough gifts?

My father coughed. Gifts? He bought every item in that cart. You think I want to bankrupt myself? I wouldnt have given away so much for free, not even to the Messiah if he were ever to come.

Joanna choked on a piece of bread and burst out laughing. My mother made a disapproving noise. But I grinned with relief. We can always use new customers.

The silver knife next to my plate glinted in the shaft of sunlight that poured through a lattice window. I picked it up and twirled it in my hand for a moment. How can he afford so large a purchase? I wouldnt have thought a centurion would have the kind of income that allowed for such extravagance. Centurions were in charge of eighty men. They were not poor; neither were they known for their wealth.

Father shrugged. I gather he is from an affluent family. Its a pity he is a Roman. I like his company.

Has he already paid his bill?

Of course not. He can settle with me later.

This was not unusual. In the case of many of our established patrons, accounts were settled by the end of the month, not at the time of purchase. I shrugged, relieved that my father had struck up a new friendship.

Our unpleasant experience on the road had started to haunt me. Sometimes, without warning, I would be filled with an overwhelming sense of anxiety. At other times, with no reason or explanation, I seemed to smell the stench of my attackers rotten teeth and sweat-stained body as palpably as if he were standing next to me. I knew this was a trick of my mind and still could not stop myself. I would go rigid with the horror of it, barely able to contain the dread that made me want to hide under the covers of my bed like a little child.

I realized that if I gave in to this fear, it would soon rule my life. I had no desire to leave the security of our home and found excuses to avoid going outside the house. Anxiety sat at my door, threatening to become a permanent state if I were not careful.

I sent a message to Claudia and asked permission to visit her. My mother frowned upon my friendship with a Roman. But she had grown lax in her discipline since Josephs death, and I found myself making bolder decisions with the pa.s.sing of time. I think my father saw the benefit of my relationship with a highborn Roman. Or perhaps he had ceased to care. In any case, he made no demur.

I traveled through Jerusalems streets for the first time since we had been set upon by bandits. Of course, I kept within the confines of the walls. That lesson, I had learned. Joanna insisted on tagging along, and we brought two male servants with us. Still, by the time we arrived at Claudias comfortable quarters near Castle Antonia, sweat covered my whole body and my hands trembled like b.u.t.terfly wings in the wind.

You look as pale as a naiad out of water, Claudia declared when she saw me.

A what?

A naiad. You know? A water nymph. May Diana come to my rescue. How can you know so little about anything?

May the Lord come to your rescue. How can you know so much about things that matter so little?

What put her in such a grumpy mood? she asked Joanna.

Its the bandits. She hasnt been the same since they attacked her on the road.

What?

I threw myself on the couch and stretched my legs. I almost lost my life, my purity, and my favorite veil to a bunch of nefarious thieves. And they were smelly and ugly to boot. I tried to sound lighthearted, but my voice shook. Its the first time Ive left the house since it happened. I would have run back home when we lost sight of our front door if Joanna hadnt pressed me.

Great heavens! What happened?

I found that telling the story to a woman differed a great deal from telling it to my future husband. Claudia made me laugh by taking the sting out of my horror. Not that Ethan had made me ashamed for even a moment. Ethan had wanted to kill those men with his bare hands. Claudia wanted to cook their private parts and feed them to dogs. I cannot explain it, but there is a difference. I had needed Ethans protective response. It made me feel cherished. In a different way, I also needed Claudias hilarious one.

After that day, I stopped being haunted by my experience. I overcame my fear with laughter.

TWELVE.

There are those whose teeth are swords, whose fangs are knives.

PROVERBS 30:14.

LATER THAT WEEK, Ethan came to fetch me so that I could visit Daniel and Avigails baby. He did not mention our marriage as we walked to his house. I had expected him to pelt me with dates and plans and felt a disproportionate relief when he avoided the subject.

Master Ezers home was a Sabbaths-day journey from my fathers, and Ethan spent the short time singing his nephews praises. I could tell he was smitten with the little fellow. It made my heart contract. For the first time, I realized how deeply Ethan wanted to be a father. I listened to his descriptions in growing silence, my stomach in knots.

Daniels wife, Avigail, was resting in her chamber with the baby in her arms when we arrived. According to our tradition, a woman remained in the home for seven days after the birth of a boy and fourteen for a girl child. Avigail had been at home for six days when I came to visit her, and she seemed restless from the enforced confinement.

Ethan stopped just outside the door to Avigails chamber. It was deemed improper for any male other than the childs father to go into the room. But he smiled at me with a brilliance that made me stumble as I entered.

Feeling shy, I first greeted Jerusha, who sat folding linens by the foot of the bed, and then Avigails mother, who reclined by her daughters bedside, cooing to the baby. Daniel grinned at me, looking very pleased with himself.

May the blessings of the Lord be upon you, Avigail, I said. You must be so proud.

The young woman shrugged. He almost tore me up on the way out. Wait till you have to give birth, Elianna. Its horrible.

The Lords hand was with you. I peeked over the soft linen blanket wrapped around the babys swaddling cloths. He is beautiful.

Is he not marvelous? Daniel plucked the baby from Avigails arms. Look at the way he can grip my finger. I think hes going to be an athlete. I foresee he shall beat every Greek and Roman before he reaches twenty.

I bit my lip.

You are laughing at me, Daniel said. But you will see. Fifteen years from now this little man will be entering chariot races and winning the Panh.e.l.lenic Games.

If he is anything like Ethan, he will, I said.

Ethan! Any fool can see he looks just like his father. But I wont hold it against you. You are betrothed to that brother of mine, and it behooves you to sing his praises. Would you like to hold the splendid fellow? He held out his son toward me with gentle care.

I reached out to take him; the baby started to wail. Avigail screeched, Dont give her my baby, Daniel! I dont want her to touch him.

Daniels head jerked up. What? Why not?

Have you forgotten what happened with her own brother? Joseph died under her care. For all I know she will drop my son on his head.

I felt like someone had slapped me. My fingers trembled as I laid them against my mouth, covering the gasp that had slipped from my depths.

Daniels whole body went rigid next to me. Dont be foolish, Avigail.

Jerusha shook her head. Avigail, my daughter, how could you say such things? This is malicious gossip. Elianna does not deserve it.

Avigail had turned red. I have said nothing that half of Jerusalem has not said behind her back. Saying it to her face is honest. I dont want her to touch my son.

Daniels voice shook. Well, she can hold my baby anytime she wishes. He held out his son to me again.

I shook my head, horrified. Not a single word came out of my mouth. What could I say? Remaining in that room became impossible, but Ethan still stood at the door, his wide shoulders filling the doorframe. His face was whiter than Avigails sheets.

I went to push past him, but he restrained me with an iron grip. Elianna, dont listen to Avigails foolish talk. It means nothing.

All the pain and shame of the last few moments turned into an arrow of anger in my breast and I pointed it at Ethan. The answer is no. I will not marry you. Soon or ever. I wrenched my arm out of his grasp and pushed against his chest. Caught off guard, he stumbled backward, and I slithered past him like a wounded animal in a hunt. I ran home, crying the tears I had not allowed to fall in Avigails chamber. Poor Keziah could barely keep up with me, getting covered in dust as she stumbled in my wake.

Not only my father, but all of Jerusalem condemned me. And they had every right to do it.

Ethan gave me an hours reprieve. Then he came to our house to find me. I had sought my solace in the workshop, trying to bury Avigails words in the soothing murmur of the weavers voices.

Peace be with you, Ethan said to the workers as he walked into the workshop.

They knew him well. Most of them had worked for my father for years and had seen Ethan come in and out of the workshop with Master Ezer since before he had grown a beard. They wished him peace and asked after his brothers baby.

He lingered long enough to answer their questions. Not by one gesture did he betray his impatience to end the pleasantries. After he had answered everyones inquiries, he turned to me. Elianna. Come out for a moment, please.

I thought about ignoring his request. But the workers would have perceived it as shockingly disrespectful. I would lose their esteem; cantankerous, belligerent women are not popular amongst my people. Sighing, I rose and followed him outside. He stopped halfway between the house and the workshop, far enough from both that our conversation would not be overheard. His face was wiped clean of expression, but his eyes had turned a glittering gold. Shining, cold, and hard.

Neither of us spoke. My throat turned so dry that I could hardly swallow. I had never known him to look at me with such hostility.

Is that what you propose to do every time the world throws hardship at you? Run? he snarled with sudden fury.

I hugged my elbows. No.

Do you intend to take your woes out on me whenever someone speaks to you unkindly?

Of course not.

Good. Because I expected better from you.

Forgive me, Ethan. I did not mean to hurt you. I dropped my head. Though I regret the way I spoke, I meant what I said. I cannot marry you. Do you not see how impossible it is? You deserve someone better.

Look at me, Elianna. His voice had gone very soft. Against my will, I looked up.

Come here.

I shook my head.

His mouth crooked up on one side. You wont come to me? Then I must come to you. He took a long step forward, closing the distance between us until we stood so close that barely a breath separated us. Still he would not touch me. You are my betrothed. By law. By custom. By the word of our fathers. By a signed contract. You are already mine. Is it such a light thing for you to break your promise?

Of course not. I am doing this for your good, Ethan.

I decide what is for my good.

I threw my hands up in the air. Not if you decide wrong.

Elianna, I will not set you free. My answer would be different if you wished to part from me because you couldnt bear to live with me. I would agree to break this betrothal under those circ.u.mstances. Since I know that is not the case, I am not going to give in to this mad idea. If you press me, I will press back. Make this a public battle. Do you truly want the weight of such a scandal to break over your house and mine?

I thought of Jerusha and my mother and how they would feel if instead of a quiet divorce, a public storm blew into their households because of me. Our fathers could no longer remain friends. There would be a gale of gossip that would destroy our quiet lives. Had I not done enough damage to my family? I hung my head. I cannot be the kind of mother your children deserve. Everyone in Jerusalem knows it. Why cant you accept that I am wrong for you?

Do you think I had not heard that rubbish before today? Do you think Avigails accusations came as a surprise to me? But rubbish it is, Elianna, and you are a fool if you listen to this nonsense and allow it to sway you. How many times do I have to tell you that Josephs death is not your doing? You will make a wonderful mother"loving and tender. Wise. I will not allow a bee to rob me of my dreams.

I shook my head. For Ethans sake only one option remained to me. The truth. I must tell him what happened that day on the hill. Tell him so that he would let me go. And be free to live his life.

Ethan . . . I gulped, feeling nauseous and light-headed and full of hatred for myself. Ethan, that day with Joseph. It was my fault. I took him to the hill. He didnt want to go. He wished to play with his ball in the back alley. I wanted to enjoy the wildflowers and pressed him into coming. When we arrived on the hill, we started playing and I shoved a flower in his face, marking him with its powder and scent, which must have attracted the bee. I should have wiped his face. Then when that wretched creature began to buzz around him, I refused to help. A sheep had gotten lost and I grew distracted by its plight.

Joseph . . . O G.o.d in heaven, have mercy . . . Joseph cried out for help. He was so scared. So little and helpless. I just told him to stay still. It took me a long time to finally go to his aid. By the time I arrived, the bee had already stung him.

He gave me such a look, Ethan. So hurt and accusing. I could see it in his eyes: he blamed me for leaving him. I bent over and dry-heaved wretched sobs as my stomach churned and my heart broke and my soul shattered again. I killed him, Ethan. I as good as killed my own brother.

Strong arms wrapped around me. Ethan pulled me against him and held me. He said nothing for a long time. What could he say? Words that could comfort me had not been invented.

Is that it? Is that all that happened? he said finally, after my sobbing subsided.

What do you mean is that all? What more do you want?

He lifted my face to his gaze. Elianna, beloved, I cannot take away this burden. I cannot wash away this guilt that you feel. I can tell you that I will stand by your side as you walk through it. He bent down and gave me a light kiss, sweet and tender and chaste.

I wrenched out of his arms. You mean you still want to marry me?

More than ever.

I gaped at him. You have lost your sanity.

His smile was half exasperated, half sad, and completely stubborn. What shall it be? Will you marry me willingly or do you want a public fight on your hands?

I wilted. You win. Only by winning, you lose.

My father and Master Shual maintained a regular correspondence once the steward returned with Herod to Galilee. Not a month after they had left, my mother told Joanna and me that Master Shuals whole family was traveling back to Jerusalem to visit us and that Chuza and his parents would be coming to dinner.

Wear your new blue dress with the gold fringe, my mother instructed Joanna.

I knew there could be only one reason for the whole family to traipse all the way to Jerusalem so soon after leaving it, and it wasnt dinner. They were coming to ask for my sisters hand in marriage. In the two weeks that Chuza had remained in Jerusalem following Herods banquet, he had managed to visit with Joanna many times. The two of them were rapturously in love, any fool could see.

Affection, however, did not forge matrimony in our world. Infinitely more mundane interests such as family connections and wealth and social position weighed in the matter. We had mergers, not love affairs, no matter what King Solomon liked to write on the matter. Of course, fathers often took the desires of their children into account. Still, no one could deny that their primary concern rested with practical issues such as the amount of the dowry or the size of a wedding or the acceptability of a bride price.

Socially, we were of the same standing as Master Shual. But he had higher connections. He had a high position in the home of the tetrarch. I suppose he could be said to be above us. He could have sought higher for his only son.

Yet here he was, wife and son in tow, looking to bring our families together. As much as I dreaded the thought of my own upcoming marriage, the thought of Joannas betrothal made my heart lift with joy. I knew she had never wanted anything so badly, and from what I had seen of Chuza, he seemed a good and kind young man. Of course, I was disposed to loving any man who adored my sister with such obvious fervency.

For days we slaved to prepare a feast worthy of the occasion. My mother wanted to prove that although we had no royal a.s.sociations, we could provide as good a banquet as any found in the house of Herod himself. There would be only seven of us for dinner, but we had prepared for seventy. I was worn out by the time the evening came.

I knew that if my father and Master Shual did not manage to come to a financial understanding, the grandest food from the emperors own palace in Rome would not bring about this betrothal. Between them, the men had the power to forge or disband. Even in a love match, money reigned. We were stable enough, financially. Stability was one thing, however. Extra coin quite another. There just wasnt that much spare cash. If Master Shual proved greedy, this wedding might remain a dream in Joannas heart.