"I can get fortune stick for advice. You spend most of time staying out of trouble. You no want to be Kee, right? You ashamed of family!"

"Get to the point, Uncle! You want me to kill Elder Niece Kee and her son, tonight, right? I wish my boys were here. They wouldn't have second thoughts!"

"Your fault they not here. You send to United States. They no good to start business. Too greedy, too bloodthirsty. Good Kee, but not modern."

"If they stayed here they would have killed you and taken over."

"You know something?" said the old man. "That better than my niece and Chuk Foo Kee taking over."

"Forget about them. That was a very nice present. Let me have a couple more drinks and I'll resolve the matter for you tonight!"

The old man laughed, "You run things till my man-child grow up, have plenty opportunity to buy virgin slaves. Your Joy Stick talking now! You kill after b.i.t.c.h see my new man-child!" The Old Boss was silent for a long time, and then he said in a whisper, "Western doctor!"

Uncle Ma reached a height of elation that almost topped the one he had experienced when he first inserted his rod into the soft, moist present he had just received. He thought, "The old b.a.s.t.a.r.d is going to fall for the scheme I've been dreaming about. He's going to give me lots of money and send me to fetch a doctor in the States. It's f.u.c.k all to this family, mon ami. They won't see me again, ever."

He was brought down to earth again when the Old Boss added, "Western doctor pigs.h.i.t. I can no go there. They never let me in. They think I'm criminal. Big shot doctor no wanna come here. Waste of money!"

"But you want a man-child."

"Have to do something. Very old man! Maybe juice no good!" Kee Djung Pau paused and then asked, "What you think?"

"Western doctor! I've been keeping up with Time Magazine. They're working miracles with impotency."

"I not impotent! Just weak juice." After another, long period of silence he asked, "What you think traditional medicine?"

"Dr. Chung?"

"Dr. Chung pigs.h.i.t. His wife only drop one worthless girl-child." The old man looked around cautiously and whispered, "What you think Shar Yip?"

"Shar Yip?" Not comprehending, Uncle Ma asked, "Shar Yip? What's a Shar Yip?"

"Monk!" whispered Kee Djung Pau. "Fighting monk! Make miracle with wife. Make her fertile even if old husband juice no good!"

It was only then that Uncle Ma recalled childhood tales of Zen monks who were great fighters and healers. He also recalled that someone once told him the only way they made young wives of old men bear children was by sleeping with them themselves. He said, "That's legend! There are no more Shar Yips anymore! And I'm willing to bet that they never even existed."

"Pigs.h.i.t!" said the old man. "It all here in black and white!" Kee Djung Pau reached into his pocket and removed a tattered paperback book which he handed to Uncle Ma. In the moonlight, Ma could just make out the cover--which showed a color picture of a fighting Kung Fu monk--and the t.i.tle The Revenge of the Shar Yips. He had to suppress a fit of laughter. It was a cheap, romantic adventure potboiler, which probably contained nothing but figments of the author's imagination.

The Old Boss said with finality, "We get Shar Yip! That's all! No more conversation!"

"Honorable Uncle!" exclaimed Ma with exasperation.

"That's that! Shar Yip!"

As he walked the old man back to the family compound, Uncle Ma decided to hold the subject of procuring a monk for Beautiful Birthday Present in abeyance until the morning when he would be more able to convince Old Boss that Shar Yips didn't exist, or if they did exist, there hadn't been any around for five or six hundred years. But as he watched the old man make his painful way back to his quarters and his waiting child bride, Ma thought: "If the old man wants a Shar Yip, I'll go find one. It'll cost him a fortune, and it'll be my ticket out of here. The old fool is senile. He'll buy any scam that has to do with his Joy Stick."

He decided to read the crumbling book in his hand from cover to cover, memorize it, add a few enhancements of his own, and bilk Kee Djung Pau out of a fortune. However, when he entered his own bedroom, all thoughts of literature were swept from his mind. He discovered his wife with her head buried between the delicious thighs of his newly acquired present. She wasn't aware of his presence and attacked the young Eurasian's tight and only recently f.u.c.ked Mystic Place with her tongue, every so often taking the tiny c.l.i.toris between her lips and sucking on it, moistening it as she did so. The young girl still grimaced somewhat, as she hadn't gotten to the point of fully adapting herself to her new situation yet, but Uncle Ma's wife moaned continuously, in sheer pleasure, even when she relaxed her oral attentions to just brush her check lightly against the desired object in ecstasy. The paperback book fell silently from Uncle Ma's hand, and his Joy Stick reached a state of hardness doubly more happy than it had been earlier in the evening. He unzipped his fly quickly and took matters into hand.

When Mrs. Ma arranged her position on the bed to present her full and protruding pubis to the dry, open mouth of the girl, she noticed him for the first time and gasped, "I'm only teaching her for you!"

It took him a long time to speak, and then he formed the words in his mouth carefully, "I do not have a Mystic Place to be serviced, and only a moderate-sized Joy Stick. So that's what the Aunties in this family do to while away the afternoon hours."

"This my first time. I was only experimenting! What you think? You go down to noodle shop all the time."

Erection still in hand, Uncle Ma crossed to the bed table and pointed to a box, its lid laying beside it. "Rosewood, isn't it. I've never seen it before. What does it hold? My, there's a depression in its velvet lining that looks remarkably like the same object I'm holding in my hand, not as large, of course!"

"I borrow that from Mrs. Kee Chun to teach this slave with!"

"Really? Come on, dear--I bet Mrs. Kee Chun wouldn't part with hers for all the money in the world."

Uncle Ma glanced around the room and then at the floor. The object he sought was nowhere in sight. He only found it after he turned his new present over. It was inserted in her rear entrance. "I think," he said, trying to hide a smile, "that if I removed it, I might find your chop on it."

"What, you crazy?" she stammered. "Put chop on my orang ghuhang?"

"Your orang ghuhang," replied Uncle Ma with a broad smile. "Now the truth comes out."

She started to rise and quite adamantly said, "What else I supposed to do? We Kee women get lonely. Husband always away on business or playing with young slave girls!"

"I'm not complaining, dear!"

"You're not upset?" she said suspiciously.

"Only if you don't continue!"

"Continue?"

"Proceed as if I hadn't entered the room."

"That disgusting, you watch."

"Not anymore than you observing me, dear!"

"I don't know if I can do it if you just watch."

"I hadn't planned to just watch."

Mrs. Ma again placed her Mystic Place over Che's mouth, lowering it so it made contact with the girl's tear-salted lips. Uncle Ma sat on the edge of the bed and used his free hand to adjust the light from a table lamp so that it shone directly on the juncture of both women. Placing his lips by Che's ear he whispered, "I'm against corporal punishment of any kind, but I have no control over my wife when I leave the premises, so I suggest you salivate to make your mouth as moist as possible and do for Mrs. Ma as she does for you. I may request a refinement or two as the hour progresses."

"Hour!" said Mrs. Ma. "You crazy man!"

"Shut up or I'll spank you," was his reply. She obeyed her husband's wishes and shut her mouth, while fully spreading the lips that led to her mature Mystic Place. Her fingers held apart the thin folds of c.u.n.t flesh and pressed apart the slightly gaping hole, wider and less appealing than the freshly deflowered opening of the young love slave. Two children and many c.o.c.ks and d.i.l.d.os had visited Mrs. Ma's hole, so the girl who knelt before her and prepared to lick her opening had to work extra hard to make the older woman feel the full potency of p.u.s.s.y love.

The girl, an innocent with a soft touch, pressed her tongue upon the bud of love first, sending a shiver through the recipient. Then she licked diligently at the opening and obeyed when Mrs. Ma heatedly called out, "Put in tongue. f.u.c.k Mystic Place with tongue."

The girl then tongue-f.u.c.ked her mistress with all her might, getting the hang of it to the point where her tongue was in the other woman's t.w.a.t up to her teeth, and she was gnawing at the opening. It was Uncle Ma who helped out his new slave by pressing a thumb against his wife's swollen c.l.i.toris and rubbing the love bud until he stimulated an o.r.g.a.s.m. Mrs. Ma called out as she pressed her p.u.s.s.y into the waiting mouth of the girl slave. She came in a big, wet spurt. "Lick up the juice," Uncle Ma coached the young slave. "Then kiss the Mystic Place tenderly. You will have a friend for life."

The girl did as she was told. By then it was much more than an hour later and Uncle Ma rose and inserted his Joy Stick into his wife, instructing the young girl to apply her tongue both to it and his wife alternately. When it came time for him to disgorge his Golden Orbs, he removed his member from the receptacle it had spent most of its years in and inserted it into the girl's mouth, commanding, "Suck on it! Suck on it carefully,"; and then "No, that's too gentle. Harder! A bit harder!"; and then, "Careful! It's going to go all the way down your throat." When it was so far down that her nose pressed into his Golden Orbs, he released the first torrent of his l.u.s.t. The young girl started to choke on the emission. Concerned, Mrs. Ma got up so that her husband could help the slave to a sitting position, and pound on her back. When all seemed well he asked, "Better, now?"

She nodded, her eyes fixed on no place at all. "Good! Now take the tip in your mouth and suck it like a straw." As soon as the girl's lips closed on the tip of his Joy Stick, the remainder of the juice in his Monkey's Apples filled her mouth. "Don't swallow!" cautioned Uncle Ma. "Flex your tongue around to savor the taste. If there's one thing in this household you're going to get used to, it's this delicate little treat, better than the finest dim sum." The volume of fluid he presented her with exceeded the capacity of her oral cavity and a thin stream spurted from her lips and cascaded down over her face. Mrs. Ma hurriedly took her by the head and licked her chin clean. She then siphoned the contents of the slave's mouth into her own. Extremely pleased, Uncle Ma yawned and said, "Good, very good! Now we go to bed. She sleeps between us so we can both absorb her youth. But that's all. No funny business until the morning. I don't want to miss anything."

Just as he was about to fall asleep, Uncle Ma remembered the girl's backdoor was still filled with his wife's d.i.l.d.o. He asked her to bend over, her b.u.t.t up in the air, and tenderly kissed the cheeks. Then, parting the flesh of her globes, he took hold of the d.i.l.d.o and began to slowly lift it out. The girl's a.s.s got back into a more puckered position, as he removed the s.e.x tool slowly and handed it to his wife. But it was still open and inviting. He bent and kissed the now-stretched entrance, thinking: "I cannot resist. She is stretched and ready."

He pushed her back onto the bed, and his wife propped her up on pillows, stacking them so her a.n.a.l entrance was perfectly accessible.

"You lick her there and make her nice and wet," Uncle Ma instructed his wife, who was happy to jump back into action. "Then place me inside her nice and slow. I might as well take both cherries tonight."

Mrs. Ma's tongue went to work on her sweet slave's tight a.s.shole, and she made it juicy enough for Uncle Ma. Taking hold of her husband's Joy Stick, she guided it to the entrance of the young slave's a.s.shole and she pressed the head in, and then part of the shaft. The girl's bung was so stretched by the ivory d.i.l.d.o that she did not flinch until Uncle Ma, wild with l.u.s.t, began to drive himself deeply into her a.n.a.l ca.n.a.l. She cried and struggled briefly, as she felt her backdoor virginity s.n.a.t.c.hed away. Then she relaxed more as Mrs. Ma shoved her Mystic Place into the girl's mouth to distract her. Mrs. Ma m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed her own c.l.i.toris as the girl licked her juicy hole. Within a short time, the older woman's p.u.s.s.y exploded just as her husband's Golden Orbs released their dew into the young slave's a.n.a.l ca.n.a.l.

"We must pleasure her once more, to make sure she goes to sleep feeling safe and good," Uncle Ma suggested to his wife. Mrs. Ma ran to the bathroom to wash the ivory d.i.l.d.o of any germs or soil, then bent down between the girl's legs, d.i.l.d.o in hand, and gingerly licked the still-pink, tight p.u.s.s.y, while slowly inserting the tip of the d.i.l.d.o into the wet Mystic Place. Uncle Ma began to suck deliciously on the taut, young nipples, while Mrs. Ma began to suck the girl's c.l.i.toris gently, then more strongly, until the youngest member of the threesome began to moan, and groan, and go wild with pleasure, expressing her joy with a creamy emission. The older woman then stuck her tongue deep into the slave's c.u.n.t, which was filled with fresh love dew, and licked out the sweet s.e.x cream.

Mrs. Ma, her tongue still wet with come, shared the young girl's joy juice with her mate in a soul kiss. The three of them fell asleep, their places of love still wet and gooey from a night of pure l.u.s.t.

Uncle Ma slept well that night, his dream far from the current reality of his life. He had found a teaching post in a small midwestern college, and he had his hand up the skirt of a blonde, all-American cheerleader. He awoke to a tickling sensation and swatted his leg thinking it was an insect. Instead, he discovered the Old Boss's present carefully licking her way up his thigh toward his Joy Stick under the whispered instruction of Mrs. Ma. "Yes," he said with a wide yawn. "Yes! Being a Kee has some plus sides."

Before breakfast, Mrs. Ma dutifully instructed the young girl on how to hold his Joy Stick while he was pa.s.sing water and then, how to bathe him correctly. It wasn't until he sat down at the table in the kitchen for a late breakfast that he reminded himself of the book that Old Boss had given him. He rose and started out of the room. His wife asked, "Where you going?"

"To fetch something."

"We have slave to do that now."

"You know that once you f.u.c.k them you can't get a lick of work out of them. Where is she, anyway?" He thought, "If she ran away, life would be much less complicated."

"Under table."

Glancing under the table to discover the girl crouched on bent knees, Uncle Ma asked, "What's she doing there?"

"Waiting to service you again."

"Please! Don't you know the better they're fed, the better they suck? Feed her. My Joy Stick needs a rest!"

When he returned to his bedroom, he couldn't find the book the Old Boss had given him, and he panicked. He shouted, "U-ma! I had a book last night. Did you see it? I hope you didn't throw it out!"

"It's on top of knitting case. I was going to read it again."

"Again?"

"I've read every one they've ever published about them. They have great powers."

"You mean the authors have great imaginations!"

"No, it's all true! They're fighting monks who use secret techniques to exercise their Joy Sticks. They're all fourteen inches long!"

"The monks or the Joy Sticks?" asked Uncle Ma, who thought his wife read only silly Western romance books, not the even sillier Chinese ones.

She replied, "Their Joy Sticks of course! And the girl monks can bend a steel bar inserted into their p.u.s.s.ies."

"Merde!" laughed Uncle Ma. "Don't tell me you believe that junk?"

"The trouble with you is you don't believe anything. That's why you failure. You haven't done a thing to earn any money since I marry you, except sponge off Uncle Kee Djung Pau."

"I'm his adviser! I get paid!"

"Pigs.h.i.t!" said Mrs. Ma. "You most useless cousin in family. I not surprised if Chuk Foo Kee strangles you as soon as he take over the family."

"The only thing that Chuk Foo Kee ever strangled was his d.i.c.k, and he does that every night."

"Totally useless!"

"What have I done this morning to deserve this?"

"Insult Shar Yips!"

"If there were Shar Yips, the last time one bent a steel bar with her p.u.s.s.y was during the Ching Dynasty."

"Not true," said Mrs. Ma. "My mother met one when she a little girl!"

Uncle Ma said in French, "How was she sure? Did she measure his c.o.c.k?"

"Bug off," replied Mrs. Ma in English, as she turned and headed out of the room.

He called after her, "If you run into a monk with a fourteen-inch c.o.c.k, you have my permission to commit adultery. It's better than that cheap, ivory orang ghuhang you regularly use."

Going to a dresser, he took a handful of money and an inexpensive woman's watch from a secret compartment. When he returned to the kitchen, he discovered the young woman hungrily devouring a bowl of rice porridge topped with spicy chicken. When she looked up, he placed the money and the watch next to her plate. She stared at the gifts with total incomprehension, until she realized that they were hers to keep. Sliding onto her knees before Uncle Ma, she fought awkwardly to remove his Joy Stick which was now enc.u.mbered by a breakfast robe and pajamas. "No! Later! It needs a rest! Finish your breakfast."

To his wife he said, "You see, it's better to bribe them than beat them. Look at her stare at the watch. She must come from a very poor family. Never had one of her own before. She's better off with us no matter what we do to her. Bring my breakfast out to the veranda. I'm going to read all about Shar Yips."

"I thought you didn't believe in them," said Mrs. Ma.

"I was only teasing. Not only do I believe in them, I'm going to find one!"

There wasn't much to the paperback novel that the Old Boss had given to him. It was published in Taiwan in the early fifties and was obviously a complete hoax. He skimmed through it, coming to the conclusion that there was, at one time in China, a place called the Monastery with Three Entrances, that the monks who lived there were somewhat adept at kung fu, as most Chinese monks supposedly were, and that they may have claimed to have some potions or charms that enhanced one's fertility. Monks had to earn their rice selling something. The important thing was that the Old Boss, as senile as he was, believed that there were Shar Yips, and believed it enough to send Uncle Ma to fetch one. Believed enough to give Uncle Ma a goodly amount of money to convince the Shar Yip to come. He would, of course, have to start his search in Hong Kong, at which time he could conveniently disappear with the Old Boss's bankroll and any additional sums he could milk from the family's overseas bank accounts. Uncle Ma smiled and thought, "Now I'm thinking like a true Kee."

He dressed carefully and then took a leisurely stroll over to Kee Djung Pau's apartment, whistling softly. No Kee would ever find him at the midwestern college he was secretly corresponding with. Old Boss, who had been sitting on the veranda in an old, cheap, straight-backed chair, rose anxiously as he approached and cackled, "You read book? What you think?"

"A difficult situation! But if I had a Shar Yip administer to my Joy Stick I could handle three cherries a night!"

"Don't worry about your Joy Stick! Worry about my man-child first! You make deal with Shar Yip, I give plenty of money. Buy all virgin slaves you want!" The old man stuck his head in the open door of his apartment and shouted, "Wife, bring chair for Honorable Uncle Ma!"

When Eugenia appeared, carrying a chair similar to the one Kee Djung Pau was seated on, the Old Boss put a finger to his lips, reminding Uncle Ma to remain mute on the subject at hand. Uncle Ma felt extremely sorry for her because, unlike his newly acquired toy, she had been educated in the West and knew a better life. "Still," he thought, "she isn't doing too badly. The string of pearls around her neck is worth thousands, and so are her watch and diamond ring. If she survives and Uncle Kee Djung Pau lives long enough, she'll end up with everything in his treasure chest."

As Uncle Ma sat, the Old Boss said to Eugenia. "Go find Elder Niece Kee! Tell her to take shopping! Tell her to take Western movie! You behave, maybe next month you go shopping Saigon. Buy good stuff!"

Without a smile, Eugenia nodded and went off across the enclosed patio toward Elder Niece Kee's rooms. Uncle Ma, who was not an accomplished con man, said with as much seriousness as he could muster, "A Shar Yip will be an expensive undertaking."

"What expensive?" growled the old man. "Didn't you read book? Only three piece copper poor man! One stick gold rich man!"

"That was six hundred years ago, Uncle!" said Uncle Ma fighting to retain a straight face. "You have to take inflation into account."

"Inflation? What you mean inflation? How much!"