"Not catering to my groin. You know what's going on down in the real world. Counterrevolution. I've been declared a parasite because I teach college. Sitting it out up here until the whole f.u.c.king country falls apart and the warlords take over again. f.u.c.king Maoists won't go this far to stick me into a dunce cap."

"You mean real people live up here?"

"Real people live in China any place there's room to put down a mattress." As the man continued on, he shouted back, "Watch out for the monks. They're dangerous! I told one off and he gave me an erection. It wouldn't go down for a month and there's nothing around here a man my age can stick it into except for a chicken."

Uncle Ma yelled back, "How do I find a monk?"

"Look!"

"What do they look like?"

The stranger muttered, "Don't you see a monk?" and picked up his pace. When he was gone from sight, Uncle Ma turned his attention back to the young couple who had been watching the encounter intently. He smiled at them. The young man crossed to a rattan basket and reached into it to hold up a jug. He then motioned to Uncle Ma who thought, "s.h.i.t, yes, I'm thirsty. And I'm so hard I'd f.u.c.k both of them if they'd let me." Uncle Ma had no idea he was in a place where secret wishes of s.e.xual desire could quickly become reality.

He made his way carefully toward the couple through rows of cabbage heads and, getting closer, realized that they were two of the healthiest looking and attractive people he had ever seen in China. The girl's hair was up, bound by a red scarf, and her face was not only gorgeous, but also natural. The boy, who wore the red cap of the region, was fast approaching six feet in height, and was as handsome as the girl. The two must have been about nineteen years old. The young man went up to Uncle Ma and pressed the jug into his hands.

Uncle Ma quickly uncorked it and took a long swig. He almost gagged and choked, "Wait ... It's not water." It took him a few moments to collect himself enough to add, "It's wine!"

The young people laughed. Uncle Ma said, "You should have warned me." After taking a second, moderate sip from the jug, he added, "Very good wine at that! Thank you."

"I have something else for you," said the boy, holding out his hand in a way Uncle Ma found quite curious, until he realized the hand was headed to his groin. The boy grabbed hold of the huge erection. "Let's put this to use," he said with a smile.

Uncle Ma, astonished, was also incredibly turned on, even though he'd never even been interested in boys before. The young man opened Ma's trousers and let his spearman loose. He bent and placed the organ near his lips and kissed it. Then he offered an exquisite, hot, wet mouth to the hard-as-a-rock organ, taking Ma's manhood deep into his oral cavity.

The girl just watched and giggled as her companion sucked Uncle Ma in a way he'd never experienced, pulling the c.o.c.k deep into his mouth and fondling the b.a.l.l.s until he was sure he would explode at any moment.

The young man then rose off his knees and took down his pants, and Uncle Ma was shocked to see that "he" seemed to be a "she," because clearly there was no d.i.c.k, just a Mystic Place. Upon seeing this, Uncle Ma relaxed, and when the naked a.n.u.s was presented to him, freshly oiled with the help of the young girl who anointed it with some sort of lotion to make entrance easier, Uncle Ma had no qualms about putting his huge, hard c.o.c.k into the backdoor gate.

The tip slid in easily past the sphincter, and then deeper into the orifice, until the full length was inserted, slipping in so easily that it almost felt like the glove of a very tight Mystic Place. As Uncle Ma, considerate lover that he was, reached around front so as to manually m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e the female organs there, he was shocked to feel a huge, hard Joy Stick. The boy was a boy, although Uncle Ma could swear he had seen a Mystic Place between the boy's legs. He thought he was going crazy, when in truth, Shar Yips are trained to turn their Joy Sticks and Mystic Places into opposite s.e.x organs.

"If you knew this was a male's opening, you would not have sought relief for your erection," said the boy, smiling as he pressed his backdoor onto Uncle Ma's c.o.c.k. He seemed to be enjoying it immensely. "You can play with the Joy Stick and gain great pleasure from its feel."

Uncle Ma, who was so hard and h.o.r.n.y he could not pull out now if he wanted to, grabbed hold of the organ and played with it in the same way he would m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e himself. As the boy began to gyrate and squirm in pleasure, Uncle Ma started f.u.c.king harder and deeper, until his c.o.c.k was covered by the boy's a.s.s flesh, his b.a.l.l.s slapping against the opening. The boy squeezed the muscles of his backgate in a delicious way, and Uncle Ma could feel the Golden Orb juice boiling. It shot through his c.o.c.k and into the orifice it occupied. But Uncle Ma was still hard; he still needed something more.

"Now it's my turn," said the boy. "Let me show you pleasure from behind." Uncle Ma, dazed and feeling as if he were dreaming, slowly pulled his hard stick from the young man. Instinctively, he pulled off his trousers entirely and got down on his hands and knees. The girl anointed Uncle Ma's backgate with the same oil she had put into her male companion. Then she greased the young man's d.i.c.k as well. As the head of his huge spear got to the opening of his backdoor gate, Uncle Ma clenched up the opening.

"You must learn to receive," said the young man. Then, as if by magic, Uncle Ma became totally relaxed, and the boy's c.o.c.k went in easily, the huge tool stretching Uncle Ma's untried hole in a delicious way. Uncle Ma relaxed to let it in fully and could feel himself being speared up to the bowels. He remained still, and it was the young man who moved his organ in and out with great ease, pleasuring himself and Uncle Ma as the big c.o.c.k filled the tight hole. Then the boy reached around and took Uncle Ma's still-huge erection in hand and began to jerk it back and forth, all the while f.u.c.king him from behind. He rubbed the head, the shaft, and the b.a.l.l.s, and a.s.s-f.u.c.ked the older man until the juice of both sets of Golden Orbs came to a boil, and the two men felt the rush of s.e.m.e.n shoot through their rocket ships.

The young man expended himself into Uncle Ma's orifice with a huge thrust, which made Uncle Ma feel as if the boy's c.o.c.k was coming through his throat. Just moments after the young man exploded, Uncle Ma followed, creaming all over the other's hand.

The young man then pulled his Joy Stick from Uncle Ma and quickly dressed. He then bent on his knees before the still-dazed and half-nude Kee and worshiped his organ with mouth and tongue, again offering an exquisite and delicious b.l.o.w.j.o.b. He placed one finger in Uncle Ma's backdoor as he sucked on the Joy Stick. A huge stream of come soon shot from Uncle Ma's spearman. The boy licked up the juice and helped the older man back into his pants.

Then he acted as if nothing happened and returned to the exact place where it had begun, putting the jug of wine back into Uncle Ma's hand. Uncle Ma was unsure if he had just dreamed it all, yet he was able to pull himself together and carry on with his mission.

Handing the jug back to the young man, he asked, "Can you tell me anything about the monastery?"

"Did you go up to the gate?" asked the girl in reply.

Uncle Ma nodded.

"Did you see the statues?"

"Yes!" said Uncle Ma.

"Isn't it terrible?" she asked.

"What?"

The girl covered her mouth and giggled, "They've been standing that way for nine hundred years with erections, and no one's come along with a mouth large enough to give them a b.l.o.w.j.o.b."

Uncle Ma was shocked to hear such a risque joke from such innocent-looking lips. He didn't laugh. "I'd like to see a monk!"

There was no reply. They seemed to stare at him without comprehension. He said again, "I'd like to see a monk!"

The girl, aping his very tone of voice, replied, "Don't you see a monk?"

"No! Now let me in on the little riddle!"

The young man spoke. "Why do you want see a monk? It doesn't seem that you have any trouble getting an erection."

Uncle Ma had forgotten all about his still-hard Joy Stick. He glanced down at his crotch. There wasn't a noticeable bulge. He replied, "How did news of my adventures in Henan get so far so fast?" He was afraid to even mention his adventure with the young man, because he believed it must have been a dream.

"Good!" said the girl, "You had an adventure in Henan. You must tell us all about it." She smiled an all-knowing kind of smile and then winked.

"Please, I'm tired. It was a long walk up here." Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew a thick wad of yuan and placed a package of Kents on top of it. Holding the gratuity out toward the young man, he said, "Only a small errand. I would like to talk to someone from the monastery. This should be enough."

"But," said the girl, "we're from the monastery."

"I mean a monk!" replied Uncle Ma.

"There aren't any monks in the monastery. Just teachers and students," said the girl.

"A teacher, then!"

"But," said the girl, "more often than not, the teacher learns more from the student than the student learns from the teacher. How can you tell who the real teacher is then?"

"I don't know and I don't care!" said Uncle Ma. "Just tell me what it will cost me for one of you to fetch me someone in charge, or tell me how to get into the monastery!"

Without hesitation, the girl pointed to his over-the-shoulder bag with the million dollars in it. Uncle Ma stammered, "That's a gift for the monks." The girl dropped down to her knees and Uncle Ma got the fleeting impression that her lips touched his Joy Stick before her forehead touched the ground in a deep kowtow.

"Thank you," she said. "May be you be blessed with a million erections."

"Yeah, at one U.S. dollar a piece," he said sarcastically. "Would one of you please get me a monk?" He noticed then, for the first time, that her hair, which he thought was braided, was actually woven into a queue in the old style, with golden weights tied to the tips. He said, "Don't tell me that you two are Shar Yips?"

"We won't, if you insist!" said the young man.

Uncle Ma thought, "That's that! Give them the money, old boy, and go. That's what you came here for." As he stood and started to remove the bag from his shoulder, the girl rose to a sitting position and extended her cupped hands as if she was begging for rice. Uncle Ma placed the bag in them. "Give this to your master!"

The girl replied, "Who can say who the master is? Is it not true that in one's own home, the servants are the master of the household?"

"I'm not in a Zen mood of mind. Give it to anybody who isn't wet behind the ears."

"Rather be wet behinds the ears than wet in the crotch at your age," said the girl as she placed the bag on the ground and unzipped it.

"What are you doing? It's for your monastery, not for you," said Ma.

"We are the monastery," replied the girl, as she hurriedly surveyed the contents of the bag. Then she said to the young man, "No videoca.s.settes!"

"Videoca.s.settes?" asked Uncle Ma.

"Our master likes videoca.s.settes. New Western movies. Everybody brings money."

"That much money?" said Uncle Ma, pointing to the bag.

"Sometimes more."

"You don't even know how much is in there!"

"The Old Master told us one million American dollars."

"Told you? How could he know I was coming?" asked Uncle Ma.

"He knows everything! A few weeks ago he said a stranger will appear with a million U.S. dollars. Give him a hard-on."

"But get the cash first!" added the young man.

"He only hoped that you would bring some new movies!" The girl took the scroll that Dr. Moi had composed out of the bag and slipped it from its sheath.

Uncle Ma said adamantly, "That's for your master."

"I want to see what it says first," replied the girl, unrolling it on the ground before her. "The master can't be bothered with trivialities."

"You can't read it--only a scholar can."

"Not a very good one. It's written in fourteenth century rice line, and poorly at that," said the girl, studying the scroll.

Uncle Ma thought the girl was pulling his leg, that she couldn't make out any of the characters, and was about to tell her so, when she rose, handed it to the young man, and said, "It's not him, it's his uncle. The usual! It's strange out there in the real world. Young girls are always marrying old men with floppy Joy Sticks. You'd think they'd had better sense."

Now in awe of the young couple, Uncle Ma said hesitatingly, "There's more to the story." He reached into his pocket and removed the letter he wrote in French, detailing Eugenia's true plight. "This is rather stupid of me. I express myself best in French. I could attempt to rewrite it in Chinese, but you'll find my brush rather poor."

The pretty Shar Yip s.n.a.t.c.hed the letter out of his hand and looked at the envelope. Uncle Ma said, "Well, I see you read French, too."

"Not very well, but the Old Master does." She packed everything back in the over-the-shoulder bag and took it with her as she started up toward the road.

Uncle Ma called after her, "Young lady! I now take it for granted that you possess great powers. One of you seems to have cast a spell over me which is rather embarra.s.sing."

"Your Joy Stick?" she giggled, and then listened intently for his reply.

"Please? Could you reverse the procedure of what you have done so that I'm a bit more comfortable? I caused you no harm."

The girl shrugged and then knelt before him. She took his hard Joy Stick from his pants and sucked it so deliciously and expertly, with lips that seemed to suction him like a vacuum cleaner, that he came in one quick, huge, wild explosion. He was again feeling the same kind of dazed sensation that he felt with the boy. And the girl, too, just as the boy had done, made as if nothing happened---or, Uncle Ma was dreaming again. Because she simply rose from her place in front of his hard c.o.c.k, winked, and walked away. As soon as she turned and started on her way again, Uncle Ma's erection disappeared.

The young man appeared puzzled. He said to Uncle Ma, "You're very strange."

"I am?"

"That's the first time I ever heard anyone say he didn't want an erection."

"This is a rather strange place. Could I trouble you for some more of that excellent wine? Is it local?"

The young monk nodded and then said, "We hardly touched our lunch. Help yourself."

Uncle Ma found the cold noodles and stuffed buns that the young monk served him excellent, as well as extremely refreshing. He felt well-fortified for his trek back down the mountain by the time the young girl returned from the monastery carrying a small package wrapped in decorative rice paper. She said, "He is very pleased. We haven't had a request like this since he was anointed Old Master six hundred years ago. Poor, poor Eugenia!"

"Six hundred years ago?" stammered Uncle Ma. "He's six hundred years old?"

"Eight hundred, actually," said the young monk. "You don't become an Old Master overnight."

"Is he going to do anything about her?" stammered Uncle Ma.

"He didn't say!"

"Do you think he will?"

"What should be done, will be done. That is the natural way of things."

Uncle Ma replied, "Then I'll go on my way. I want to get back to Henan before dark."

"I'll escort you," said the young girl. "You may get lost."

"There's only one road!" said Uncle Ma, so overcome by their strange powers that he feared staying one second longer.

The young monk said, "There is only one road leading here, but many leading away."

As they trudged down the narrow path towards civilization, the pretty, young Shar Yip nun demanded that Uncle Ma tell her all about his life and the modern world. Suddenly he stopped and asked, "But you've been in the outside world?"

"Not since I started training."

"And when was that?"

"I was much too old! Three!" He didn't know if it was the meal, the wine, or his general elation at finally disposing of the Old Boss's money without complications, but he felt so good that the trek back to young Fu's Lada was no trouble at all. The girl Shar Yip halted at the last rise and said, "I can go no further. The villagers are very superst.i.tious. They're afraid of us."

"You do have great powers. Why, I barely noticed the walk back. I'm not even winded."

"It's downhill!" She placed the small rice paper-wrapped package in his hands. "A gift from the Old Master."

Uncle Ma looked directly in her eyes and asked, "May I open it now?" wondering what visage of ancient China he had been presented with. The Shar Yip nodded. Carefully undoing the ribbon of the package, he removed the wrappings to discover a brand new paperback book ent.i.tled The Shar Yip Against the Mafia.

"It's his latest," she said. He stared at in total confusion and asked, "His latest? I don't understand."