CHAPTER 110.

I had almost forgotten the expression "to die with your lord." It's not a phrase that is used in normal life these days. It must have lain there deep in my memory all these years, decaying slowly. Reminded of it by my wife's jest, I replied that if I were to die a loyal follower's death, the lord I was following to the grave would be the spirit of the Meiji era itself. I was joking too, of course, but as I spoke it seemed to me that this old, disused expression had somehow gained a new meaning.

About a month pa.s.sed. On the night of the cremation, I sat as usual in my study. As the imperial coffin emerged from the palace, I heard the boom of the funeral cannon. To me it sounded the Meiji era's end. Later I read in the newspaper that it also signaled the end of General Nogi.1 When my eyes fell on this news, I seized the paper and waved it at my wife. "He died with his lord!" I found myself exclaiming. When my eyes fell on this news, I seized the paper and waved it at my wife. "He died with his lord!" I found myself exclaiming.

There I read the letter that the general had written before he died. He had been longing all this time, he wrote, to die in expiation for his failure in the Satsuma Rebellion.2 I paused to count on my fingers the years he must have lived with this resolution in his heart. Thirty-five years had pa.s.sed since the Satsuma Rebellion. By his own account, General Nogi had spent those thirty-five long years yearning to die without finding the moment to do so. Which had been more excruciating for him, I wondered-those thirty-five years of life, or the moment when he thrust the sword into his belly? I paused to count on my fingers the years he must have lived with this resolution in his heart. Thirty-five years had pa.s.sed since the Satsuma Rebellion. By his own account, General Nogi had spent those thirty-five long years yearning to die without finding the moment to do so. Which had been more excruciating for him, I wondered-those thirty-five years of life, or the moment when he thrust the sword into his belly?

Two or three days later I finally decided to kill myself. I would guess that my reasons will be as hard for you to fully grasp as I found General Nogi's reasons to be. If so, it must simply be put down to the different eras we belong to, I think. Or perhaps, after all, our differences spring from the individual natures we were born with. At any rate, I have done my best in these pages to explain to you my own strange nature.

I will be leaving my wife behind, but fortunately she will not want for the necessities of life. I do not want her to witness any horror. I intend to die in such a way that she will not have to see blood. I will leave the world quietly, without her knowing. I would like to have her believe that I died instantaneously. I would be content if she decided I had gone mad.

It is now ten days since I decided to die. You should know that I have spent most of that time writing this long memoir to leave for you. I was planning to see you again and tell you all this in person, but having written it, I am now glad I chose this method, since it has allowed me to describe myself more clearly to you. I have not written from mere personal whim. My past, which made me what I am, is an aspect of human experience that only I can describe. My effort to write as honestly as possible will not be in vain, I feel, since it will help both you and others who read it to understand humanity better. Just recently, I heard that Watanabe Kazan chose to postpone his suicide for a week while he painted Kantan Kantan.3 Some will find this decision ridiculous, but no doubt his heart had its own reasons that made it imperative for him. This labor of mine is not simply a way of fulfilling my promise to you. It is for the greater part the result of a need I have felt within myself. Some will find this decision ridiculous, but no doubt his heart had its own reasons that made it imperative for him. This labor of mine is not simply a way of fulfilling my promise to you. It is for the greater part the result of a need I have felt within myself.

But now I have answered that need. There is nothing left for me to do. When this letter reaches your hands, I will no longer be in this world. I will be long dead. Ten days ago my wife went to her aunt's place over in Ichigaya. Her aunt was ill and help was short, so I urged her to go. I wrote most of this long letter while she was absent. I hastily hid it whenever she returned to the house.

My aim has been to present both the good and bad in my life, for others to learn from. I must make clear to you, however, that my wife is the sole exception. I want her told nothing. My one request is that her memory of my life be preserved as untarnished as possible. While she remains alive, I therefore ask that you keep all this to yourself, a secret intended for your eyes alone.

Notes.

CHAPTER 1.

1 Kamakura: Kamakura: This former capital of j.a.pan had recently established itself as a summer resort convenient to Tokyo, where visitors could indulge in the fashionable pastime of sea bathing. This former capital of j.a.pan had recently established itself as a summer resort convenient to Tokyo, where visitors could indulge in the fashionable pastime of sea bathing.

CHAPTER 60.

1 the basic exchange of marriage cups: the basic exchange of marriage cups: Marriage formally took place with a simple ceremony involving drinking sake from the same cup. Marriage formally took place with a simple ceremony involving drinking sake from the same cup.

CHAPTER 64.

1 Hong Hill . . . Denzin Hong Hill . . . Denzin Temple: Temple: An area of present-day Tokyo's Bunky ward, where Tokyo University is located. Denzin Temple is a Pure Land Buddhist temple. An area of present-day Tokyo's Bunky ward, where Tokyo University is located. Denzin Temple is a Pure Land Buddhist temple.

2 the Sino-j.a.panese War: the Sino-j.a.panese War: 1894-95. 1894-95.

CHAPTER 65.

1 koto: koto: A traditional zitherlike j.a.panese instrument with thirteen strings. A traditional zitherlike j.a.panese instrument with thirteen strings.

2 Ojsan: Ojsan: The daughter is referred to throughout by this polite t.i.tle for an unmarried girl. The daughter is referred to throughout by this polite t.i.tle for an unmarried girl.

CHAPTER 72.

1 adopt a son-in-law . . . marry out as a bride: adopt a son-in-law . . . marry out as a bride: Although the wife traditionally joined her husband's family register, formal adoption of a husband into the wife's family was not uncommon in cases where the family had no son to receive an inheritance. Although the wife traditionally joined her husband's family register, formal adoption of a husband into the wife's family was not uncommon in cases where the family had no son to receive an inheritance.

CHAPTER 74.

1 the Komagome area: the Komagome area: part of Tokyo's present-day Bunky ward. part of Tokyo's present-day Bunky ward.

CHAPTER 81.

1 Swedenborg: Swedenborg: Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772), Swedish philosopher and mystic. Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772), Swedish philosopher and mystic.

2 the Bsh the Bsh Peninsula: Peninsula: In present-day southern Chiba Prefecture. In present-day southern Chiba Prefecture.

CHAPTER 84.

1 Chshi: Chshi: A fishing-port town in present-day Chiba Prefecture. A fishing-port town in present-day Chiba Prefecture.

2 the famous Buddhist priest Nichiren: the famous Buddhist priest Nichiren: Nichiren (1222-82) founded the Nichiren sect, which places ultimate faith in the Lotus Sutra. Nichiren (1222-82) founded the Nichiren sect, which places ultimate faith in the Lotus Sutra.

CHAPTER 85.

1 the Rykoku district: the Rykoku district: A busy district centered around the Rykoku Bridge in Tokyo. A busy district centered around the Rykoku Bridge in Tokyo.

CHAPTER 87.

1 the fierce Enma image that stands in Genkaku Temple: the fierce Enma image that stands in Genkaku Temple: Genkaku Temple is in the Tokyo district of Koishikawa, close to where Sseki imagines Okusan's house to stand. Enma is the ruler of the realms of the dead. Genkaku Temple is in the Tokyo district of Koishikawa, close to where Sseki imagines Okusan's house to stand. Enma is the ruler of the realms of the dead.

CHAPTER 88.

1 Masago-ch: Masago-ch: An area in present-day Bunky ward, near Tokyo University. An area in present-day Bunky ward, near Tokyo University.

CHAPTER 89.

1 the New Year game of poem cards: the New Year game of poem cards: A traditional game in which cards containing the second half of famous poems are turned faceup, and the partic.i.p.ants must match each to the appropriate card containing the poem's first half. The poems are those in the anthology A traditional game in which cards containing the second half of famous poems are turned faceup, and the partic.i.p.ants must match each to the appropriate card containing the poem's first half. The poems are those in the anthology Hyakunin issh Hyakunin issh, "One Hundred Poems of One Hundred Poets," a t.i.tle usually referring to the collection made by Fujiwara no Teika (1162-1241). "One Hundred Poems of One Hundred Poets," a t.i.tle usually referring to the collection made by Fujiwara no Teika (1162-1241).

CHAPTER 100.

1 elliptical course . . . three city wards: elliptical course . . . three city wards: Koishikawa, Kanda, and Hong wards. Koishikawa, Kanda, and Hong wards.

CHAPTER 102.

1 I had laid out my bedding . . . opposite direction: I had laid out my bedding . . . opposite direction: It is considered unlucky to lie facing west, which is the realm of the dead. It is considered unlucky to lie facing west, which is the realm of the dead.

CHAPTER 109.

1 Emperor Meiji pa.s.sed away: Emperor Meiji pa.s.sed away: See Introduction. See Introduction.

CHAPTER 110.

1 the end of General Nogi: the end of General Nogi: See Introduction. See Introduction.

2 his failure in the Satsuma Rebellion: his failure in the Satsuma Rebellion: In the civil war of 1877, forces loyal to the emperor clashed with those of the rebellious Satsuma province. The imperial forces won, but as regimental commander, General Nogi felt responsible for the enemy's capture of the symbolic regimental colors. In the civil war of 1877, forces loyal to the emperor clashed with those of the rebellious Satsuma province. The imperial forces won, but as regimental commander, General Nogi felt responsible for the enemy's capture of the symbolic regimental colors.