Without thinking about it or intending to do it, I threw one leg over and slid from the horse. My side hurt, my mouth hurt, my face was still bleeding, but none of that was as bad as the whip. I ran toward the distant trees.

Rufus caught me easily and held me, cursing me, hurting me. "You take your whipping!" he hissed. "The more you fight, the more he'll hurt you."

He? Was Weylin to whip me, then, or the overseer, Edwards?

"Act like you've got some sense!" demanded Rufus as I struggled.

What I acted like was a wild woman. If I'd had my knife, I would surely have killed someone. As it was, I managed to leave scratches and bruises on Rufus, his father, and Edwards who was called over to help. I was totally beyond reasoning. I had never in my life wanted so desperately to kill another human being.

They took me to the barn and tied my hands and raised whatever they had tied them to high over my head. When I was barely able to touch the floor with my toes, Weylin ripped my clothes off and began to beat me.

He beat me until I swung back and forth by my wrists, half-crazy with pain, unable to find my footing, unable to stand the pressure of hanging, unable to get away from the steady slashing blows ...

He beat me until I tried to make myself believe he was going to kill me. I said it aloud, screamed it, and the blows seemed to emphasize my words. He would kill me. Surely, he would kill me if I didn't get away, save myself, go home!

It didn't work. This was only punishment, and I knew it. Nigel had borne it. Alice had borne worse. Both were alive and healthy. I wasn't going to die-though as the beating went on, I wanted to. Anything to stop the pain! But there was nothing. Weylin had ample time to finish whipping me.

I was not aware of Rufus untying me, carrying me out of the barn and into Carrie's and Nigel's cabin. I was not aware of him directing Alice and Carrie to wash me and care for me as I had cared for Alice. That, Alice told me about later-how he demanded that everything used on me be clean, how he insisted on the deep ugly wound in my side-the scratch-being carefully cleaned and bandaged.

He was gone when I awoke, but he left me Alice. She was there to calm me and feed me pills that I saw were my own inadequate aspirins, and to assure me that my punishment was over, that I was all right. My face was almost too swollen for me to ask for salt water to wash my mouth. After several tries, though, she understood and brought it to me.

"Just rest," she said. "Carrie and me'll take care of you as good as you took care of me."

I didn't try to answer. Her words touched something in me, though, started me crying silently. We were both failures, she and I. We'd both run and been brought back, she in days, I in only hours. I probably knew more than she did about the general layout of the Eastern Shore. She knew only the area she'd been born and raised in, and she couldn't read a map. I knew about towns and rivers miles away-and it hadn't done me a damned bit of good! What had Weylin said? That educated didn't mean smart. He had a point. Nothing in my education or knowledge of the future had helped me to escape. Yet in a few years an illiterate runaway named Harriet Tubman would make nineteen trips into this country and lead three hundred fugitives to freedom. What had I done wrong? Why was I still slave to a man who had repaid me for saving his life by nearly killing me. Why had I taken yet another beating. And why ... why was I so frightened now-frightened sick at the thought that sooner or later, I would have to run again?

I moaned and tried not to think about it. The pain of my body was enough for me to contend with. But now there was a question in my mind that had to be answered.

Would I really try again? Could I?

I moved, twisted myself somehow, from my stomach onto my side. I tried to get away from my thoughts, but they still came.

See how easily slaves are made? they said.

I cried out as though from the pain of my side, and Alice came to ease me into a less agonizing position. She wiped my face with a cool damp cloth.

"I'll try again," I said to her. And I wondered why I was saying it, boasting, maybe lying.

"What?" she asked.

My swollen face and mouth were still distorting my speech. I would have to repeat the words. Maybe they would give me courage if I said them often enough.

"I'll try again." I spoke as slowly and as clearly as I could.

"You rest!" Her voice was suddenly rough, and I knew she had understood. "Time enough later for talking. Go to sleep."

But I couldn't sleep. The pain kept me awake; my own thoughts kept me awake. I caught myself wondering whether I would be sold to some passing trader this time ... or next time ... I longed for my sleeping pills to give me oblivion, but some small part of me was glad I didn't have them. I didn't quite trust myself with them just now. I wasn't quite sure how many of them I might take.

14.

Liza, the sewing woman, fell and hurt herself. Alice told me all about it. Liza was bruised and battered. She lost some teeth. She was black and blue all over. Even Tom Weylin was concerned.

"Who did it to you?" he demanded. "Tell me, and they'll be punished!"

"I fell," she said sullenly. "Fell on the stairs."

Weylin cursed her for a fool and told her to get out of his sight.

And Alice, Tess, and Carrie concealed their few scratches and gave Liza quiet meaningful glances. Glances that Liza turned away from in anger and fear.

"She heard you get up in the night," Alice told me. "She got up after you and went straight to Mister Tom. She knew better than to go to Mister Rufe. He might have let you go. Mister Tom never let a nigger go in his life."

"But why?" I asked from my pallet. I was stronger now, but Rufus had forbidden me to get up. For once, I was glad to obey. I knew that when I got up, Tom Weylin would expect me to work as though I were completely well. Thus, I had missed Liza's "accident" completely.

"She did it to get at me," said Alice. "She would have liked it better if I had been the one slipping out at night, but she hates you too-almost as much. She figures I would have died if not for you."

I was startled. I had never had a serious enemy-someone who would go out of her way to get me hurt or killed. To slaveholders and patrollers, I was just one more nigger, worth so many dollars. What they did to me didn't have much to do with me personally. But here was a woman who hated me and who, out of sheer malice, had nearly killed me.

"She'll keep her mouth shut next time," said Alice. "We let her know what would happen to her if she didn't. Now she's more scared of us than of Mister Tom."

"Don't get yourselves into trouble over me," I said.

"Don't be telling us what to do," she replied.

15.

The first day I was up, Rufus called me to his room and handed me a letter-from Kevin to Tom Weylin.

"Dear Tom," it said, "There may be no need for this letter since I hope to reach you ahead of it. If I'm held up, however, I want you-and Dana-to know that I'm coming. Please tell her I'm coming."

It was Kevin's handwriting-slanted, neat, clear. In spite of the years of note taking and longhand drafts, his writing had never gone to hell the way mine had. I looked blankly at Rufus.

"I said once that Daddy was a fair man," he said. "You all but laughed out loud."

"He wrote to Kevin about me?"

"He did after ... after ..."

"After he learned that you hadn't sent my letters?"

His eyes widened with surprise, then slowly took on a look of understanding. "So that's why you ran. How did you find out?"

"By being curious." I glanced at the bed chest. "By satisfying my curiosity."

"You could be whipped for snooping through my things."

I shrugged, and small pains shot through my scabby shoulders.

"I never even saw that they had been moved. I'll have to watch you better from now on."

"Why? Are you planning to hide more lies from me?"

He jumped, started to get up, then sat back down heavily and rested one polished boot on his bed. "Watch what you say, Dana. There are things I won't take, even from you."

"You lied," I repeated deliberately. "You lied to me over and over. Why, Rufe?"

It took several seconds for his anger to dissolve and be replaced by something else. I watched him at first, then looked away, uncomfortably. "I wanted to keep you here," he whispered. "Kevin hates this place. He would have taken you up North."

I looked at him again and let myself understand. It was that destructive single-minded love of his. He loved me. Not the way he loved Alice, thank God. He didn't seem to want to sleep with me. But he wanted me around-someone to talk to, someone who would listen to him and care what he said, care about him.

And I did. However little sense it made, I cared. I must have. I kept forgiving him for things ...

I stared out the window guiltily, feeling that I should have been more like Alice. She forgave him nothing, forgot nothing, hated him as deeply as she had loved Isaac. I didn't blame her. But what good did her hating do? She couldn't bring herself to run away again or to kill him and face her own death. She couldn't do anything at all except make herself more miserable. She said, "My stomach just turns every time he puts his hands on me!" But she endured. Eventually, she would bear him at least one child. And as much as I cared for him, I would not have done that. I couldn't have. Twice, he had made me lose control enough to try to kill him. I could get that angry with him, even though I knew the consequences of killing him. He could drive me to a kind of unthinking fury. Somehow, I couldn't take from him the kind of abuse I took from others. If he ever raped me, it wasn't likely that either of us would survive.

Maybe that was why we didn't hate each other. We could hurt each other too badly, kill each other too quickly in hatred. He was like a younger brother to me. Alice was like a sister. It was so hard to watch him hurting her-to know that he had to go on hurting her if my family was to exist at all. And, at the moment, it was hard for me to talk calmly about what he had done to me.

"North," I said finally. "Yes, at least there I could keep the skin on my back."

He sighed. "I never wanted Daddy to whip you. But hell, don't you know you got off easy! He didn't hurt you nearly as much as he's hurt others."

I said nothing.

"He couldn't let a runaway go without some punishment. If he did, there'd be ten more taking off tomorrow. He was easy on you, though, because he figured your running away was my fault."

"It was."

"It was your own fault! If you had waited ..."

"For what! You were the one I trusted. I did wait until I found out what a liar you were!"

He took the charge without anger this time. "Oh hell, Dana ... all right! I should have sent the letters. Even Daddy said I should have sent them after I promised you I would. Then he said I was a damn fool for promising." He paused. "But that promise was the only thing that made him send for Kevin. He didn't do it out of gratitude to you for helping me. He did it because I had given my word. If not for that, he would have kept you here until you went home. If you're going to go home this time."

We sat together in silence for a moment.

"Daddy's the only man I know," he said softly, "who cares as much about giving his word to a black as to a white."

"Does that bother you?"

"No! It's one of the few things about him I can respect."

"It's one of the few things about him you should copy."

"Yeah." He took his foot off the bed. "Carrie's bringing a tray up here so we can eat together."

That surprised me, but I just nodded.

"Your back doesn't hurt much, does it?"

"Yes."

He stared out the window miserably until Carrie arrived with the tray.

16.

I went back to helping Sarah and Carrie the next day. Rufus said I didn't have to, but as tedious as the work was, I could stand it easier than I could stand more long hours of boredom. And now that I knew Kevin was coming, my back and side didn't seem to hurt as much.

Then Jake Edwards came in to destroy my new-found peace. It was amazing how much misery the man could cause doing the same job Luke had managed to do without hurting anyone.

"You!" he said to me. He knew my name. "You go do the wash. Tess is going to the fields today."

Poor Tess. Weylin had tired of her as a bed mate and passed her casually to Edwards. She had been afraid Edwards would send her to the fields where he could keep an eye on her. With Alice and I in the house, she knew she could be spared. She had cried with the fear that she would be spared. "You do everything they tell you," she wept, "and they still treat you like a old dog. Go here, open your legs; go there, bust your back. What they care! I ain't s'pose to have no feelin's!" She had sat with me crying while I lay on my stomach sweating and hurting and knowing I wasn't as bad off as I thought I was.

I would be a lot worse off now, though, if I obeyed Edwards. He had no right to give me orders, and he knew it. His authority was over the field hands. But today, Rufus and Tom Weylin had gone into town leaving Edwards in charge, leaving him several hours to show us how "important" he was. I'd heard him outside the cookhouse trying to bully Nigel. And I'd heard Nigel's answer, first placating-"I'm just doing what Marse Tom told me to do." Finally threatening-"Marse Jake, you put your hands on me, you go' get hurt. Now that's all!"

Edwards backed off. Nigel was big and strong and not one to make idle threats. Also, Rufus tended to back Nigel, and Weylin tended to back Rufus. Edwards had cursed Nigel, then come into the cookhouse to bother me. I had neither the size nor the strength to frighten him, especially now. But I knew what a day of washing would do to my back and side. I'd had enough pain, surely.

"Mr. Edwards, I'm not supposed to be washing. Mister Rufus told me not to." It was a lie, but Rufus would back me too. In some ways, I could still trust him.

"You lyin' nigger, you do what I tell you to do!" Edwards loomed over me. "You think you been whipped? You don't know what a whippin' is yet!" He carried his whip around with him. It was like part of his arm-long and black with its lead-weighted butt. He dropped the coil of it free.

And I went out, God help me, and tried to do the wash. I couldn't face another beating so soon. I just couldn't.

When Edwards was gone, Alice came out of Carrie's cabin and began to help me. I felt sweat on my face mingling with silent tears of frustration and anger. My back had already begun to ache dully, and I felt dully ashamed. Slavery was a long slow process of dulling.

"You stop beatin' them clothes 'fore you fall over," Alice told me. "I'll do this. You go back to the cookhouse."

"He might come back," I said. "You might get in trouble." It wasn't her trouble I was worried about; it was mine. I didn't want to be dragged out of the cookhouse and whipped again.

"Not me," she said. "He knows where I sleep at night."

I nodded. She was right. As long as she was under Rufus's protection, Edwards might curse her, but he wouldn't touch her. Just as he hadn't touched Tess-until Weylin was finished with her ...