He waited for her to say more, but she didn't. "I'm also sorry about today," he said, a quiver in his voice.

No reply.

"I know you're angry, Mama, but..."

"Now listen here, Joshua," she jumped in, "before you go offering excuses, let me tell you a thing or two." She turned from the sink and looked at him. "First, it ain't none of your business if Mr. Williams got what was coming to him, or not. That there's The Lord's concern. Your place is in school, and if you'd been there as you're supposed to be, none of this would've happened."

"But that's not true Mama, he beats her always, he don't even need a reason!"

She stopped, pondered his statement, and asked, "If he beats her for no reason, then why go and give him a reason?"

Joshua didn't answer.

"That's my point, Joshua-you had no business missing school with this girl, no business being in this house with her. And I don't wanna know what the two of you been up to when you were here."

So that was her lecture. Surprisingly, nothing about his having stabbed Williams, only for having gotten himself into that situation in the first place. It was as if she believed that Williams had gotten what he deserved, but wished it hadn't come from her son.

Joshua knew that it was his lying and deceit that had hurt her. It was also that she blamed herself, the long days away at work, leaving him alone to fend for himself. All these years she had tried to protect him, to teach him the right way. And now, she believed she had failed.

For Joshua, realizing all this was punishment enough. Well, not quite enough. His mother added something extra: he was grounded for the remainder of the school year, four months to be exact, confined to the house after school and on weekends, without television, and no friends over either. Mrs. Eisenman would be checking up more frequently to insure compliance, though to Joshua's thinking that wouldn't be necessary. He was certain he would do as he was told.

CHAPTER 12.

"Look young man, this is my home and I decide what we eat. You are not going to take over our lives with your religious fanaticism!" Such were Evelyn Sims' words when Paul finally refused to eat the pork chops she had served for dinner. It was about a year after Paul's Bar Mitzvah. "If you don't want what I give you, then don't eat. Or move in with that rabbi and eat what his wife makes."

"I don't understand what you're so upset about, I just don't want to eat that kind of meat anymore, that's all," he said.

"What I'm so upset about," she yelled. "What I'm so upset about is the way you've tried to take over our lives. We've given you everything, and now you behave as if that's not good enough!"

"Please, Evelyn, stop screaming," Alfred interjected, seeming more engrossed in his food than in the problem. "It's just a phase he's going through, don't worry about it."

"A phase," she parroted angrily. "With you, everything is a phase. After all, he's not criticizing what you made for dinner..."

"I'm not criticizing anything," Paul a.s.serted.

"Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking young man," she said. "Or didn't your rabbi teach you about honoring your parents?"

Paul was seething. At this point in an argument with her, he would always seethe. He knew there was never any winning, or reasoning. She believed what she wanted.

In past years, he had occasionally resorted to temper tantrums, banging on walls and throwing things. Once he had gotten so enraged, he actually spit at her. He wasn't proud of these things; there were simply times when he just didn't know what else to do. He bore the brunt of her misery, he was her scapegoat, and he was trapped. Doctor Goldman had helped him with his temper, but at moments like this he felt tested.

He sat there, trying to control himself, recalling his last session with Goldman, in which he had revealed an incident that had occurred when he was seven years old. Evelyn was going to visit her sick father in a hospital somewhere in New York City, and took him along because she couldn't find a sitter. The details were scanty, but Paul had remembered that they were stopped at a red light and it appeared as if smoke was rising from the hood of the car.

"Look Mommy, there's smoke coming out!"

"Oh my G.o.d!" She opened the car door and jumped out to see what was happening. Paul followed. They examined the car and looked underneath, and discovered that what Paul had seen was not smoke from the engine, but steam rising from a man-hole. Of course, young Paul's intentions had been completely innocent, but that didn't stop his mother from grabbing him by the jacket and dragging him back into the car, yelling, "I'm going to punish you for this. You knew there was nothing wrong with the car. You were just trying to aggravate me! You're just like your father, always trying to upset me!"

Then too, Paul had tried to explain to her; then too, it was pointless.

It might have been easier for him if she was purely evil. He could simply hate her and that would be that. But she was a contradiction, a cross between an overprotective Jewish mother and a wretched neurotic. He never knew which to expect.

Whenever he was sick, she was at his side, sometimes through the night. Once when he was ten years old, he had come home from school shaking and nauseated, on the verge of vomiting. Evelyn hadn't been there, so Loretta rushed him to the bathroom, and tried to help him vomit.

"I can't!" he protested, sitting on the floor by the toilet, afraid of gagging.

"If you let yourself throw up, you'll feel better," Loretta said, her hand on his shoulders to comfort him.

"Where's my mother?"

"She's out shopping. What does that matter?"

"If she were here, maybe I could."

"You need her here to throw up?"

"I don't know, I just can't do it till she gets here."

"Well, that may be a while yet, and you look like you best throw up soon."

Lucky for him, he heard his mother come through the front door at that very moment. "Maaaa," he called from the bathroom.

"What's the matter?" Evelyn yelled.

He hadn't had the strength to answer.

"He's up here, in the bathroom, Missus Sims. He's pretty sick by the looks of him."

Evelyn hurried up the stairs. "What's wrong?" she said as she came into the bathroom.

"He needs to throw up, but he won't do so without you," Loretta explained.

Evelyn knelt on the floor beside him. "It's okay, Paul," she said calmly as she began gently rubbing his back.

Within seconds, he vomited.

Because of incidents like this, Paul Sims knew he loved and needed his mother. And he believed that, however strange her way of showing it, she loved him as well. The problem was her inconsistency, and that was why he had become so fearful of people in general. He never knew just what to expect, never felt quite secure or safe from somehow being hurt.

Thus, the appeal of Rabbi Isaac Weissman's world-a life centered around books and learning, structured and consistent, everything according to the dictates of the law. The axioms were simple: study, and you will know how to be a righteous Jew; be a righteous Jew, and you will find fulfillment.

And there was also Rabbi Weissman himself, the first person with whom Paul had ever felt completely at ease. The rabbi had never pushed Paul to become Orthodox, for that would have created more problems for the boy than solutions. He was also careful not to provoke Alfred and Evelyn into terminating his services or depriving Paul of the occasional Sabbath visits to his home. Moreover, Rabbi Isaac Weissman was a patient man, certain that G.o.d would decide the right time for Paul to join the fold.

And Paul, in his desire to gain favor with the rabbi's daughter, was giving G.o.d's plan a little push.

A few weeks later, Paul found himself once again at the rabbi's Sabbath table, this time donning a dark suit and fedora. He had coaxed his mother into buying the navy blue suit, dark enough for him and blue enough for her-a rare compromise.

As for the hat, he had purchased that on his own, with his allowance savings, and kept it in the rabbi's house for Sabbath visits. He didn't ask the rabbi outright not to tell his parents about it, but he had confidence in the rabbi's discretion.

Paul was proud of his new outfit. In it, he felt he belonged. The followers of Rav Schachter, however, still seemed weary of his presence. He sensed continuing hostility in their eyes, and wondered about it. He had become more aware of the divisions in the community, of Rabbi Weissman's prominent position among Rav Feldblum's flock. Even earlier that very evening on the way home from the synagogue, Rabbi Weissman's neighbors had once again been complaining about Rav Schachter's followers, referring to them as "fanatics" and the like. Again, Rabbi Weissman had insisted that the Rebbe would soon address the problem. It had been over a year since Paul had first heard those words from Rabbi Weissman, yet still there had been no reaction from the Rebbe, causing Paul to wonder who the Rebbe really favored.

Rachel helped her mother serve while Paul and the rabbi discussed the weekly Torah portion and sang Sabbath melodies. As usual, the meal was sumptuous; everything homemade. Challah, chicken soup, gefilte fish, roast veal, potato kugel, a cooked carrot and prune mixture called tsimmes, and three different types of cake for dessert.

By now, Paul was acquainted with the words and melodies of the songs. He sang loudly, often looking to Rachel for approval. Usually, she acknowledged him with a slight, yet perfunctory smile. He knew he had yet more work to do to make that smile shine.

That night, after the rabbi and Hannah had retired for the evening, Paul sat in the living room brushing up on his studies. It was a small, oak floored room with a red velour couch, matching recliner, mahogany coffee table, and three large overloaded bookcases. One wall was dedicated solely to a picture of the Rebbe, and the other walls bore family pictures and a few old portraits of rabbinical looking men that Paul took to be Rabbi Weissman's ancestors.

Paul was stretched out on the recliner, trying to keep his eyes from closing as he struggled with the Hebrew book in his hands. Rachel sat patiently on the couch reading a chemistry textbook, waiting for the stroke of eleven when the automatic timer would turn the light out so she could open the fold-out bed and go to sleep. She was used to Paul remaining in the living room until the last minute and she knew why. It didn't amuse her.

He looked over his book at her. She ignored him. "You know, the Rebbe said that Moshiach, the messiah, will be coming any day now," he commented out of the blue.

"Yes, the Rebbe has been saying that for many years," she responded.

"You sound as if you don't believe it."

"Do I?" she asked, nonchalantly, her eyes still in her book.

He wasn't taking the hint. "Your father taught me that every Jew is supposed to believe that The Messiah is coming tomorrow."

"I'm sure he did."

He hesitated for a moment, realizing that it might be a good idea to change the subject. "You know, I've learned that it's forbidden to study secular things on the Sabbath."

"Is it?" she asked.

"Oh yes, it certainly is. Shabbos should be devoted only to holy matters and religious studies."

"Even if one has a chemistry exam on Monday?"

"One must trust in G.o.d. If you follow His commandments, he will see to it that you pa.s.s all the tests of life." He was proud of how wise his words rang, of how much he sounded like her father.

"Have you ever studied The Rambam?" she asked.

"The who?"

"The Rambam, Maimonides, the twelfth century rabbinical scholar who was also a physician."

"Oh yes, I've heard of him, but..."

"Well," she interrupted, "if you had studied him, you'd know that he believed that science is a religious and 'holy' subject!" She realized she wasn't being kind, but she couldn't help herself.

Paul didn't respond. He sensed her impatience.

She continued, "He believed, in fact, that studying science is one of the necessary paths to knowing and appreciating G.o.d. In order to truly have a relationship with G.o.d, one has to understand the mysteries of nature and the universe."

"But you said you were studying for a test, not to have a relationship with G.o.d."

"It doesn't much matter why I am studying science, just like it doesn't matter why you are sitting there with a book you can hardly read. We each have our own reasons, and none of them, I suspect, are religious in nature." She was surprised by her own candor, even felt bad about it, but only a little.

Before either of them could say anything else, the lights went out. Just as well, Paul thought, considering the tenor of their exchange. He sheepishly excused himself and bid her good-night.

On his way to the bedroom, Paul moved slowly, somewhat unsteadily, as if stumbling over his embarra.s.sment. Growing up with his mother, he had never known that a woman could have such clarity of mind. This intimidated him, and he wasn't sure how to handle it. On the other hand, it also challenged him and strengthened his resolve to make her his. And therein was his problem, for Rachel Weissman would never belong to anyone.

CHAPTER 13.

"Joshua," Loretta said, knocking on his bedroom door. It was six-thirty in the evening and she had just come from work.

As opposed to all those times she'd burst in, admonishing him for one thing or another, tonight was different. He'd actually done something that would please her, and he knew it. "Yes, Mama," he said.

She opened the door and entered smiling. She hadn't removed her coat yet, and in her hand was the report card he'd left for her on the kitchen table. He was sitting in his chair, facing her. She glanced at the desk behind him. The lamp was on, a textbook and notebook lay open, and his pencil was still in his hand. She was wordless.

"Yes, Mama."

"Joshua, I just don't know what to say," she remarked, alluding to his having received straight A's in every subject, and a personal comment from his teacher about his "astonishing turn-around." She waved the card. "You didn't even give yourself such good grades when you were fixing your report cards."

He laughed. It felt strange, and good, to bring her pleasure.

"I knew you were gonna make something of yourself, I just knew it!" she said as she walked over and kissed him on his forehead. "I always knew you were smart enough to be anything you want. I prayed hard to G.o.d that you would one day know it too." A tear fell down her cheek. "There ain't no reason you gotta end up like those b.u.ms with nothing to show for yourself. You're smart, Joshua, smarter than most folks, and if you use that, you'll be all right in life."

He nodded, though he wasn't completely convinced. He hadn't seen much of the world, but he'd seen enough to know that it was unlikely a black kid could become "anything." But he would try, try at last to make her happy, for now he knew he could.

It had been three months since the stabbing incident; coincidentally, the day before his thirteenth birthday. Loretta hadn't mentioned any plans for celebrating. She hadn't been talking to him much at all over the past few months. He was expecting his usual gift-some articles of clothing he needed anyway-and not much else, though in the back of his mind, he hoped the report card might change things.

"Well, I best start preparing supper," she said, turning to leave. "By the way, tomorrow night I'm gonna make you something special." She stopped and pondered. "Yes, I think I'm gonna bake you a cake."

"Strawberry shortcake!"

"Yes, that one," she said, smiling. "Strawberry shortcake, your favorite, I believe."

"You believe right, Mama."

"Yeah, I suppose I do know you pretty well, Joshua." She turned to him one last time. "Now you get back to your studies. I'll call you when supper's on the table."

"Yes, ma'am."

He returned to his books, but couldn't concentrate on anything other than the look on her face as she held that report card. He'd worked hard these past months, he'd done it for her, to prove that he was as good as anybody. She had always known he was, had always told him as much, but he never believed her. Until now.

It hadn't been easy for him to turn things around, though he had some help from not being allowed out of the house after school. She had locked the TV in her closet, so he had nothing to do except read his comics, listen to the radio, and stare at the walls. Within a week, he had become bored, so he decided what-the-h.e.l.l. He started opening his school-books, and soon found that he was getting decent grades. Then came the praise from his teacher. He realized he could actually do this, he could succeed. And whatever that might mean in the end, for now it meant pleasing his mother and proving that Paul Sims wasn't the only smart one in the world. For now, that was enough.