MY DEAR PRESS:

Yu ask me "how i like the lekturing bizzness," and "what success i hav met with," and "what iz the tru natur ov the lektur i hav bin dispensing?"

Briefly thus i reply:

Two years ago I jined the band ov lekturin marters, and hav "tramp'd--tramp'd!" ever sinse, and az near az i kan rekolekt now, i think i kant tell.

Mi lektur iz an attempt tew be comick.

Humor iz hybrid, and iz a nice cross between sense and nonsense.

I don't think it haz ever bin well defined: it iz like the smell ov a flower, hard tew diskribe.

Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz nothing but seeds and skin left.

It soon bek.u.ms hackney'd, and its authors live prekariously for about 3 years on the fust 6 months ov their reputashun, and then go in their holes and only c.u.m out onst in a while to sun themselfs and be stupid.

I hav known men tew tell 4 good storys, and then spile them awl bi telling one poor one.

Thare iz nothing the world iz so slow to applaud az success, and nothing they are so smart at diskovering az a failure.

Mutch ov a humorist's success depends upon the physick ov hiz aujence: a man who haz the dispepshee fust rate laffs under protest, but if hiz dinner rides easy you kan tickle him with a skoop-shovel.

Humor sometimes lurks in the way a thing iz ced, and i hav seen men who earned their fun in the wrinkles ov their face.

Nonsense ain't humor, it iz only a jest.

Humor must hav sum truth in it, and a good deal don't hurt it.

I have seen a fust rait story spilte in being told, and i hav seen a poor story so well told, that if the man had applied for it he could hav had it pattented and no questions asked.

If an aujence refuse tew be tickled, yu might az well talk tew a grave-yard in the ded ov winter; but if yu git them onst mellow yu kan then stick yure thum into them anywhare.

But mi opinyun now iz that thare ain't no rule for success with a comick lektur.

A cold-blooded philosphick lektur is just az eazy az turning a grinstone: the aujence are obliged tew hold their hatchets on, and they are sure tew git ground out after a while: but you kant tell a man when tew laff; he knows what pleazes him, just az well az he knows what eats good; yu kant play a burnt slapjack, nor one that ain't well dun, onto him.

Thar ain't nothing more straining tew a humorist than tew have tew stop and explane a joke.

I hav just got hum from Boston: i put 2 spokes into the hub at Tremont Temple the two fust nights in Febuary: I lektured 15 nights in Ma.s.sachewsetts.

I don't kno whether it waz a success or not: awl i kno iz i felt good myself.

Humurous lekturs, without the aid ov canva.s.s or pantomime, are tuff tew do.

I think now i shall either git up a philosophicall lektur on the culler ov the Red Sea, or the hump ov the cammel's back, or quit lekturing.

I kan steal a good philosophicall lektur out ov sum library; but these cussed humurous lekturs hav so mutch original in them (or ought to hav) that yu kant kalkulate on them for certain--they are like twins, they kant be had nor they kant be stopped.

Upon the whole, az near az i kan guess, mi opinyun iz that humor iz a natral dissease, that a man kant ketch nor kant giv tew ennyboddy else.

XIV.

WISDUM CHUNCKS.

The best time ov the moon to plant beans iz when--the grownd iz aul rite.

Slovens are always the fust tew caul our attenshun tew their slovenness, by their exkewses for it.

Don't tawk so mutch, my friend! Yu don't kno but little, and ort tew be saving ov it.

Book critiks shood be treeted az the farmers do their swine--rung, and then turned out to critysize.

The man with little branes, and the man with little ammunishun, shood hunt alike; they shood take ame a good while, and then always shut, into a flock. Avoyd single burds.

Deer reeder, don't find fawlt with an awthur who makes yu laff; it is no more an evidence of weekness to laff than it iz ov strength tew look mad.

Menny ov the enormittys ov life have bin committed in the name ov religun--enormittys that make h--l blossom like the rose.

Bewty never dies; it iz like truth; they both hav an immortality sumwhare.

I hav got a fust rate opinyun ov resignashun, but i don't think enny man iz in dewty bound to thank the Lord every time sum careless cuss steps on hiz soar tow.

We hear a grate deel about progresshun, and the importunse ov it, but i am just big phool enuff to think that 8 or 10 ov the new things are either false, or are old things spiled bi altering.

What mankind stand most in need ov, just now, is simplissity.

Men judge each other bi their suksess, not bi their undertakings; but the Lord judges bi the undertaking, not bi the suksess.

Thare iz a grate deel more timidity among men than thare iz temerity; one iz the attribute ov littleness, and the other ov grateness.

The best kind ov purfewm for the person, that i know ov, iz cleenness.

Truth iz radicul; fickshun iz consurvativ.

What a man must hav, he kan most ginnerally git.

Thare iz no such thing az clozing our ize to the fakt that tilting skirts enable us to see a good deel more ov fashunable sosiety.

Sudden ritches don't often improve ennybody.

Vertchew walks without help, but vice goes on crutches.

Thare iz one advantage in being poor: thare ain't no danger ov mistaking flattery for praze.