Josh Billings on Ice.

by Henry Wheeler Shaw.

I.

JOSH ON ICE.

Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the fense.

I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov artyfishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew order.

Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where the wimmin sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes) hitched the magick iron tew their feet.

It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey--and the wind waz in the air--and the birds were in the South--and the snow waz on the ground--and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold--and angells (ov both genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a littl and thare a good deal.

It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler "Bully" or lay down and rool over.

But i kept in, and aked with glory.

Helth waz piktured on menny a n.o.bell brow. Az the femail angells put out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever stood behind.

The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze, and other things (tew muteh to menshun) fluttered in the breeze.

I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life--on ice.

For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement.

I felt like a ka.n.a.ll hoss turned suddinly out to gra.s.s.

I didn't kno how tew proceed.

Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, c.u.m flying down the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with her heavenly bust ov speed; she seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went with squeak terriffick, a living lovely ma.s.s ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle.

Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt's s.p.a.ce, her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawfal plase; and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes.

I had saw enuff--more happyness than belonged tew me--and az i sloly wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt--good.

II.

SUM NATRAL HISTORY.

Thare iz no tuition so cheap and so handy az natral history.

It prevails evrywhare; the c.o.c.kroach and the behomath are built out ov it, the lizard and the elephant are full ov it, it is the monkey's right bower, and the kangaroo's best jump.

The gra.s.s, the dandelion and the spinnage are its children; it is the language ov creeping things, the majesta ov the mountin, the soul ov the talking brook, and the inspiration ov the lambkin's tail.

Natral history iz dogg cheap.

To open our eyes, and think while we are looking iz aul the capital necessary for the naturalizing bizzness.

Who wouldn't be a naturalizer, when natur makes such cheap sacrifices upon aul her alters, and holds the insense under our very nozes?

This iz what ails me this morning, tew study the light-hearted gra.s.shopper, the relentless bed-b.u.g.g.e.r, and the elastick flea.

The Bible sez, "The gra.s.shopper is a burden," and i never knu the Bible tew say anything that warnt so.

When the gra.s.shop begins tew liv they are verry small, but in a little while thare gits tew be plenty ov them.

They only liv one year at once, and then go back, and begin agin.

Their best gait iz a hop, and with the wind on their quarters they can make sum good time.

They are a sure krop to raize, but sum years they raize more than others. I hav seen sum fields so full ov them that you couldn't stick another gra.s.shopper in, unless you sharpened him off tew a pint.

When they git so very plenty, they are very apt tew want tew start, and then they bek.u.m a traveling famine, and leave the road they take az barren az the inside ov a country church during a week day.

Gra.s.shoppers don't seem tew be acktually necesary for our happiness, but they may be; we don't even know what we want most.

I don't want gra.s.shops tew giv entirely out, not if they are a blessing, but i hav thought (to myself) if they would let the gra.s.s and cornstalks be, and pitch onto the burdoks and Canada thissells, i would bet a few dollars on the thissells, jist tew encourage the fight, and wouldn't care a cuss if they both got finally licked.

But mi best judgment would be tew bet on the gra.s.shops.

I never see ennybody yet but what despised _Bed Bugs_. They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.

They da.s.sent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep.

A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides--the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway--but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.

If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate to d.a.m.n a bed bugg right tew hiz face.

Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a _small_ way; one pair ov them will stock a hair mattra.s.s in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small family a whole year.

It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new one.

Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov a bluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up like a blister.

It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.

If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.