A Fortunate Lie.

As they descended the flight of stairs which led down from the terrace on to the course Christian Porphyry apologized again for his lateness, adding, 'Still, you seemed to be managing very well on your own.'

'Yeah,' said Joe negligently. 'Undercover work hones you up for pretty well every extremity, even sitting around drinking iced coffee on a hot day. Seemed nice guys, your three friends.'

'The Bermuda Triangle?' Porphyry laughed. 'Yes, they're very good company.'

'So why do you call them that then?'

'Well, Colin runs Rowe Estates, you've probably seen their boards. And Arthur's a lawyer, while Tom is the boss of Latimer Trust, financial services and investment, that sort of thing. So, property, finance and the law some members say if they suck you in, when you come out the other side, you don't know which way's up or down! Just a club joke. Means nothing.'

They were walking along the side of a fairway. A buggy came towards them, pulling a small trailer. The driver brought it to a halt and got out.

'I'd like a word, Mr Porphyry,' he said.

He was a small red-headed man with a face so savagely a.s.saulted by the sun that it looked like a baked potato just plucked from the embers. He spoke with the kind of Scottish accent that Joe could only localize as more Glasgow Rangers than Edinburgh Festival.

'What is it, Davie?'

'It's about a replacement for Steve Waring. It's getting urgent.'

'He still hasn't shown up then?'

'No, he hasna, and it means the rest of us are working like blacks to keep the course in nick.'

Porphyry shook his head doubtfully. Maybe, thought Joe, he's going to tell the guy that anyone who talks like he does should go easy on the racism. But all the YFG said was, 'It's really Mr Rowe you should be talking to, Davie. He's chairman of the Greens Committee.'

'Aye, I know and I've tried that, but he says that when it came up, you said let's wait a wee while longer to see if Steve shows up.'

'Did I? Yes, I believe I did. I mean, it's only been ... how long?'

'A week.'

'There you are then. Hardly any time. I know this job means a lot to Steve, and you yourself say he's been a good worker. Probably something's come up that he had to sort out, and he'll show up again any time now. I'd just hate for him to come back and find his job had gone.'

'It's a credit to your hairt, Mr Porphyry,' said Davie with only a small amount of discernible irony. 'But I called round at his digs last night and there's been no sign of him or word from him since last week. Landlady says he owes a month's back rent. I reckon he's done a runner and we won't be seeing hide nor hair of him this side of Christmas. We need another pair of hands now, else things will start slipping.'

'All right, Davie. I understand. I'll have a word with Mr Rowe.'

The man got back in his buggy and drove on.

'Head greenkeeper,' said Porphyry. 'Bit rough-edged, but the salt of the earth.'

Which was a good thing to have with a baked potato, thought Joe.

'Davie what?' he asked.

'Well, Davie actually. David Davie. Never sure whether it's his first or second name I'm using. Still, doesn't seem to trouble him.'

'And is he any part of your trouble?' asked Joe, keen to get down to cases.

'On no. Not at all. Definitely not.'

As if provoked by the question, Porphyry now strode forward at a pace which in Joe's case came close to a trot. It was very hot and though there were plenty of trees to their right, unfortunately the sun was in the wrong quarter of the sky to afford them any shade.

Suddenly Porphyry came to a halt.

'Stand still, Joe,' he commanded.

Though only too pleased to obey, Joe's natural curiosity still made him gasp, 'What for?'

'Chaps on the tee. Best be careful.'

Joe followed the YFG's gaze back down the fairway. Some figures had appeared at a distance so great he had to screw up his eyes to work out there were four of them.

'You think those guys could reach us here?' he asked doubtingly.

'Probably not, but what I meant was, we don't want to disturb their concentration by movement. And best keep your voice down too.'

'My voice? You're joking, yeah? I'd need a bullhorn before they could hear me!'

Porphyry smiled and said, or rather whispered, 'Normally, yes, Joe. But golf sensitizes the hearing remarkably. You know the great Wodehouse, of course?'

'Woodhouse? Played for the Posh and Grimsby then went into the fight game?' hazarded Joe.

'Don't recollect that, though he was a man of great and varied talent. In particular he loved his golf and of course he wrote some of the funniest books in the language. In one of them he talks about a golfer so sensitive, he could be put off his stroke by the roaring of b.u.t.terflies in the adjacent meadow.'

The YFG chuckled as he spoke, but more as if appreciating a point well made than simply laughing at a bit of daftness. Joe was getting the impression that, apart from being stellar rich, you also needed a sense of humour from outer s.p.a.ce to qualify for the Hoo. What was it the Bermuda Triangle had found so funny? Oh yes, the notion of him giving them something called gotchas.

Reckoning he wasn't going to get much further with roaring b.u.t.terflies, he asked, 'What's a gotcha?'

'In golf, you mean?'

'Yeah. In golf.'

'Well, it has no official standing, you understand? Though I have known occasions when some of the chaps have had a couple too many before a game and have actually put it into practice.'

Did this guy know how to give a straight answer?

'But what is it?' demanded Joe.

'It means if, say, you agreed to have three gotchas each at the start of the game, on three occasions as your opponent was playing his shot you would be ent.i.tled to reach between his legs from behind, seize his t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es and cry Gotcha! I think we can move on now, Joe.'

It seemed a good idea, and the further the better.

Not that any of the golfers' drives had come within fifty yards of them, but that didn't make Joe feel any safer. OK, in his game of choice, football, you could get a smack in the goolies, but if the ref noticed, then it was a red-card job for the offender. But here in crazy Hoo-land, they built it into the rules!

It was time for some straight talking. The two hundred in his back pocket no longer seemed an issue. In fact it felt earned out already.

He put on a sprint and caught up with the YFG.

'Mr Porphyry ...' he gasped.

'Chris.'

Joe took a deep breath. It felt like it might be his last but he wanted to be sure he got out everything he wanted to say in a form which even a Young Fair G.o.d could not misunderstand.

'Chris. In case you haven't noticed, Chris, it's so hot that I'd jump in a pond full of alligators if one happened to be handy. I'm out of breath, and there's a bunch of guys behind us drilling little white b.a.l.l.s through the air at a hundred miles an hour. And even if they ain't disturbed by the rumpus all them b.u.t.terflies is kicking up, I guess any control over direction they've got won't hold up much if someone grabs their family jewels just as they're making their shot. So unless what you want to hire me for is to guess what you want to hire me for, I'd appreciate it if you could get to the point and tell me just what it is you want to hire me for!'

That made things clear, he reckoned. In fact, he doubted if he could have made things clearer without adding semaph.o.r.e.

'Point taken, Joe,' said Porphyry. 'I'm sorry. I suppose there are some things a chap just doesn't like to talk about.'

This took what little remained of Joe's breath away. The guy really didn't want to tell him what he wanted to hire him for!

He said, 'Look, I've worked on all kinds of cases, stuff you wouldn't imagine. And, long as it don't involve interfering with kids or farm animals, I'm cool, OK?'

'Yes, I see. Well, it's nothing like that, thank G.o.d, but it's bad. Really bad.' He took a deep breath and blurted out, 'The thing is, I've been accused of cheating.'

'Cheating?' echoed Joe. 'You mean like cheating on Miss Emerson, your fiancee?'

'No! Worse than that. Cheating at golf.'

'At golf? During a game, you mean?' Joe liked to get things absolutely straight, especially when dealing with an alien being. 'You've been accused of cheating at a game of golf?'

'That's it. Yes. Ghastly, isn't it? A really filthy thing to have laid on you. Filthy.'

His expression turned haunted and gloomy. It was like the sun going down, though, oddly, distress didn't age his features. On the contrary, he looked even younger, a young fair child now rather than a young fair G.o.d.

Joe felt his own spirits sink in sympathy. It hurt him to see the young man so unhappy, even though for the life of him he couldn't work out the cause of such unhappiness. Yeah, cheating in sport was bad, but this day and age, it was part of the game. Guy you were marking tried to give you the slip, you pulled his shirt. He got by you and posed a real danger to your goal, you took his legs out. You got tackled in your opponents' penalty area, you went down hard, holding your knee and screaming. OK, if the ref was a drama critic, he might award a free kick against you, maybe even give you a yellow card, in the very worst cases a red. But it was all in a day's work, no one thought any the worse of you for it, whether you were playing five-aside in the park or earning a hundred grand a week in the Premiership. In fact, if you got a reputation in the pro game, it could be a nice little earner after you'd left the game with articles on My Fifty Favourite Fouls or How to Be a Hard Man. You might even do a movie or get a TV show.

So how was golf different?

He said, 'How serious is this?'

Porphyry said, 'If proven, I could be chucked out of the club.'

'Must be lots of other clubs,' said Joe consolingly.

'Not if you've been chucked out of the Hoo,' said Porphyry.

Joe doubted if it would make much difference down at the Munic.i.p.al Pitch'n'Putt, but was sensitive enough to see this might be only a limited consolation.

'So what kind of case can they put together?' he said.

To his surprise, Porphyry reached out and squeezed his hand.

'Thank you,' he said.

'For what?' said Joe in some alarm.

'For not needing to ask if I'm innocent.'

He's missing the point, thought Joe. In life there was right and wrong. During his long childhood tuition at the hands of Aunt Mirabelle, that had been drummed into him by example, precept, and punishment. But in law there was only what could or couldn't be proved. But he hadn't got the heart to tell Porphyry he was misinterpreting a simple practical question as a wholehearted vote of confidence.

Porphyry, to his relief, had removed his hand.

Joe said, 'Yeah, but like I said, can they make a case?'

'Oh yes, I'm afraid so. Not much point in bringing an accusation otherwise.'

This at least was pragmatic. Eventually he didn't doubt he was going to have to ask, So what exactly do you imagine I can do to help you? without any expectation of a satisfactory answer. It might be kinder to ask it now and get the disappointment over.

Instead he heard himself saying, 'This cheating, just what are you supposed to have done?'

'That's what I was going to show you,' said Porphyry. 'Scene of the crime, or rather scene of the non-crime. I knew you'd want to see it.'

His face was back to full radiance. Oh shoot! thought Joe. He imagines I'm going to pull out my magnifying gla.s.s, crawl around the undergrowth for a bit, then stand up with an instant solution.

At least they'd turned off now under the shade of the trees. A couple of minutes later they emerged on an elevated ridge of land which a sign told Joe was the sixteenth tee.

'It was exactly a week ago, Tuesday,' said Porphyry. 'I was playing Syd c.o.c.kernhoe in a singles. Second round of the Vardon Cup, that's the club's annual knock-out. I was lying dormy three down when we got here ...'

'Lying what?' interrupted Joe, trying to translate this into English as he listened but unable to come up with anything beyond lying b.a.s.t.a.r.d, which didn't make sense.

'I was three holes down with only three to play. I needed to win every hole to halve the match.'

'To get a draw, you mean?'

'That's right. Now, the sixteenth's a real challenge, Shot hole one ...'

'Sorry?' said Joe. It was like talking to a foreigner who knew enough of the language to sound fluent but who kept on getting words and phrases in the wrong place.

'Most difficult hole on the course. It's a par five, four ninety-eight yards, so it's not the distance. What makes it hard is that sharp dog-leg right you see up ahead at two hundred yards. Then another hundred yards on the fairway curves away to the left. Not a right-angle bend like the dogleg, but a distinct change of direction. Once round that you can see the green way ahead, slightly elevated and protected by the Elephant Trap, that's the deepest bunker on the course.'

'Chris,' said Joe. 'I don't play golf and, up till now, I thought what I knew about golf you could write on a matchbox, but now I see I wouldn't need all that s.p.a.ce. Could we maybe try basic English?'

'Sorry. I really don't know how else to explain things. But I'll try.'

He took a deep breath then he resumed.

'The fewer shots you take to reach the green the better. You follow that?'