A Civil Person's Handy List: Commonly Used Hurtful Words and Phrases.

StupidDummyIdiotr.e.t.a.r.dLame-oSpazzHe or she takes the short busCup o' JoeWhite trashThat's so ghettoYou're so gayRaggin' on somebody And this is just a start . . . Add your own.

Chapter 53.

You Realize I Can Hear You.

Remember how I said before, I could see you? I want you to realize I can now hear you too.

It's tough getting some people off their habits. Not smoking or drinking . . . That's easy. I'm talking comfort zones. Those things are armor plated. People get in them, and do they ever get stuck. If you don't believe me, ask someone to be more sensitive about their word choices. They turn all cranky and go, "These days you can't say anything."

But look around . . . Have you noticed? It is a newer day. We have to be conscious of the fact that the old ways don't flow the way they used to. Neither do the old words.

Take "Cup o' Joe." Now when you grab a stool at the diner and want some coffee, you might be thinking, "What sounds more friendly than asking for a nice, hot Cup o' Joe?" Well, maybe you didn't know the origin of that nickname for coffee goes back to the 1800s when a Stephen Foster song became popular. The name of the song? "Old Black Joe." I'll wait while you do the math on why some people might not like hearing that. Didn't take long at all, did it?

You hear people say "white trash" all the time. It's meant to insinuate that you are a white person who is not good enough . . . that you are garbage.

"That's so ghetto." Kind of the same thing, different flavor, don't you think?

Racism seeped its way into our culture, and now that it's in there, it's hard to get out. Back to habits and comfort zones . . . Think of all those vintage cartoons, the ones where all you see is black people in demeaning and stereotypical roles. You also see it in the cartoon portrayal of j.a.panese people in the World War II era. I love the Three Stooges, but they had black stereotypes too. The black cook would get bug eyes and see a "Guh-guh-guh-ghost." Or say, "This house sho' nuff gone crazy" . . . right before he ran out of the kitchen in a cloud of dust. Same with the Marx Brothers. Watch A Day at the Races A Day at the Races.

Once these words and images go unexamined . . . they slide into the American language . . . and we all start using them. And not just racial stuff. How many times on a sitcom have you heard someone say, "That's r.e.t.a.r.ded"? Or radio talk shows where someone calls someone else "a r.e.t.a.r.d." Next thing, kids are calling each other that. And there we go . . . New habits are forming.

If you have a child with special needs, you already know "r.e.t.a.r.d" is a derogatory term meant to insinuate that somehow that person is "less than." It's all about ridicule. And marginalizing. They're not only using it to belittle the person they are calling r.e.t.a.r.ded . . . who probably isn't . . . but they are also stigmatizing people with special needs, who, frankly, aren't getting much benefit out of the contribution, thank you very much. But people do it. Without thinking.

Even me. I'll cop to it right here . . . I'm guilty of this too. I've used the word "r.e.t.a.r.d" in the past, not really thinking of its harm. But then a friend of mine asked me what another friend of ours who had a special needs kid in her life would think if she heard me say that. Busted.

Sarah Palin wanted President Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, fired for telling a meeting that some plan they had cooked up was "f.u.c.king r.e.t.a.r.ded." I do admit one one of those words really bothers me. of those words really bothers me.

Saying so-and-so "takes the short bus" is code for "he's r.e.t.a.r.ded." They get that term from the smaller, special needs school buses, you see. It's just another way to marginalize and stigmatize. Besides, I like those bitty little buses. I see them zipping around and say, now there's a cool ride.

Is it me, or in what world is telling someone "You're so gay" meant to be anything but a put-down? Like that is something not to be? Look, we can debate the pros and cons of gay marriage and gay rights all you like . . . but when you slam someone simply for who they are as a person . . . you're just being plain hurtful.

Some women are offended by the word "ragging." As in, "She's been ragging on me." It's all about a woman's period and hormonal crankiness-and comes from the slang for sanitary napkins. If folks are offended, why use it-unless you are trying to be mean? And you aren't . . . are you?

A comment Senator Harry Reid made years ago came back to haunt him. Somebody dug out an embarra.s.sing sound bite when he described the prospects for Barack Obama to succeed as a Presidential candidate . . . Now, you have to understand, Reid was speaking in support of then-senator Obama when he described him as "light-skinned" and that he was an African American "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one." Senator Reid apologized. And the President accepted it and moved on. But it's one more marker that shows us race is a tough topic. And how to discuss it . . . That is something we now have to deal with because, guess what? We do have a black President.

And now that we have a black President, we need to be prepared for . . .

A female PresidentA Hispanic PresidentAn Asian PresidentA Native American PresidentA gay PresidentA lesbian PresidentA transgender President So, all manner of describing people has to change. Phrases that we never thought of as derogatory . . . well, they will have to be examined and gone over and explained. And if you are the party that chooses to utter those names or expressions . . . you're going to be called up or called out.

Does r.e.t.a.r.d mean r.e.t.a.r.ded?

Do you need to rethink your vocabulary? Chances are, yes.

Words do mean something.

But there are two categories here: people who say things to hurt; people who inadvertently say things that hurt.

So what do we do about all this stuff that's getting said and offending so many people? Sarah Palin wanted Rahm Emanuel to get the boot. Mark the date and time. I think she is correct . . . that what he said isn't acceptable. However However . . . every offense does not warrant a firing. . . . every offense does not warrant a firing.

Sometimes a swift kick in the pants will do.

See, that's where consequences come in. If there are no consequences for somebody's action, then people think it's OK. But there should be consequences for it. If you get punched in the nose because you called somebody lame-o, you're probably not going to do it again.

But what we need is less capital punishment for words, and more thinkable moments. Otherwise, from what I hear out of folks' mouths . . . pretty soon, we'd have to fire everybody.

Chapter 54.

The Smarter Things to Say.

If you need to get your licks in, there may be a smarter way to say the same thing without lowering yourself into the word sewer.

Sure, it's kind of a ha.s.sle to think all this through rather than go for the old cheap shot. But hey . . . that's what makes you the smarter person.

And . . . if all else fails . . . "a.s.shole" is still kind of fun.

Chapter 55.

Self-Test: Offensive Language.

Have you recently made fun of someone by using an offensive term?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 Is it bothering you that you did?

If yes, score 2 If no, score 5 Is it possible that you hurt somebody or taught someone else it's OK to do the same thing?

If you think yes, score 5 If you think no, score 2 Do you care?

If yes, score 0 If no, score 5 Would it p.i.s.s you off if they said it about you?

If yes, score 5 If no, score 10 Total score: ______ Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, page 195.

Chapter 56.

Think It, Don't Say It.

There's an old joke about this guy named Joe. Joe was having a terrible, hard life full of one tragedy after another. After years of this, the poor guy finally has had enough and climbs to the top of a mountain. Joe stands there on the summit and cries out to the heavens, "Why G.o.d, why me?" And the clouds part and the voice from above booms, "Because, Joe, you f.u.c.king p.i.s.s me off."

G.o.d gets a lot of great jokes, have you noticed that? But what are you going to do? It's G.o.d.

Now without the "f.u.c.k," that joke isn't so funny.

Unless . . . unless the delivery is exceptional. And the "f.u.c.k" is subtext. So it can still be funny . . . Just think the "f.u.c.k."

Think the "f.u.c.k," don't say it.

You try it.

"Because, Joe, you . . . p.i.s.s. Me. Off."

I wonder how many fights could be avoided, how many hurt feelings would be spared, if people just didn't say every little thing that came into their heads. Hey, we all think nasty things. But saying them? I dunno . . . The wrong word to the wrong person at the wrong time can turn ugly in a hurry. The beauty is, you can still think it. Just don't let it come rolling out of your mouth.

And that's something that I've had to learn on The View The View. I have to think it. Say it with a look. Or shade the meaning when I say something so you just know know I am thinking that word . . . but not saying it. I am thinking that word . . . but not saying it.

After all, it is Daytime TV.

Now that you know my secret, you can enjoy the show on a whole new level. But a word of caution. Don't a.s.sume every time I look thoughtful, that's what I'm thinking. 'Cause sometimes when I look like I'm thinking . . . it's just gas.

Chapter 57.

A Civil Person's Handy List: Things to Think and Not Say.

The world does not need another fight. Especially if you start it. Look around, there's enough SOBs with no manners out there jump-starting arguments by slipping out with the wrong words. Don't you be one of them.

All you have to do when you talk to people who push your b.u.t.tons is to be cool. Just be a better actor.

Think the "f.u.c.k," don't say it. Think the "what an a.s.shole," don't say it. Think the "I could deck you with one punch," don't say it. Think the "no way those b.o.o.bs are real," don't say it. Think the "dips.h.i.t," don't say it. Think the "s.l.u.t," don't say it. Think the "you're drunk," don't say it. Think the "sc.u.mbag," don't say it.

You get the idea. It's the best of both worlds. You don't swear, but you sort of do. You sort of stealth swear by just thinking it.

And next time you see me sitting there, just smiling quietly, you don't have to worry about me. I'm just busy thinking.

Chapter 58.

Buddy Is the New n.i.g.g.e.r.

Have you noticed how rarely we have a conversation about race in this country? I think the whole race thing hits a raw nerve.

BUT . . . Get out the Advil, because we're going to have one now. . . . Get out the Advil, because we're going to have one now.

Racial to me in my age group, and racial to other people, may mean two different things. Like people under the age of thirty. They don't get what you're talking about when you're saying, "That's racist." They say, "Well . . . what's racist?"

The word "n.i.g.g.e.r," to my granddaughter, does not mean what it means to my grandmother. That word does not have the same connotation. Know what's happened? The kids were smart. They took it out of the realm of insult and made it . . . familial.

If you're not black, how many times have you been waiting in a line, or in a coffee shop, or hanging around near black people and were surprised to hear them call each other n.i.g.g.e.r? Come on, sure you were. And I'm betting it wasn't just once. Not even just once in a sentence. It's like, ". . . And so I said, 'n.i.g.g.e.r, what's going on . . .' " "Come on, n.i.g.g.e.r, I'm not going to do that . . ." "n.i.g.g.e.r, you crack me up."

The word may not mean to him what it means to other people. It's a term of endearment to him. It's familial. Fraternal. He was using it like saying, "Hey, buddy."

Buddy is the new n.i.g.g.e.r.

I told a joke on a Bravo special because they had just buried the word "n.i.g.g.e.r." And I said, "Well, I want you to tell me if this joke is funny. And if it's funny because the word 'n.i.g.g.e.r' is in it . . . or if it's just a funny joke. So I will tell you the joke."

A little black cherub is up in heaven and is kind of cruising around, and G.o.d comes walking by, and the cherub flies over and says, "Hi, G.o.d!"G.o.d says, "Hey, how are you doing?"The cherub says, "Fine. G.o.d, can I ask you something?""Sure," says G.o.d."Am I an angel?"G.o.d says, "No, n.i.g.g.e.r, you a bat."

Now, do you think that's funny? . . . OK, but what makes it funny? Is it the word "n.i.g.g.e.r" that makes it funny, or is it the idea that G.o.d is walking around heaven and some little cherub wants to know if he's really an angel, and G.o.d, in His infinite wisdom, says, "No, idiot, you're a bat."

So what makes the joke funny?

The right word . . . and you can't pretend you don't know it is.

It's like "Take my wife-please." You kill the joke if it's "Take my wife." See, to me, the "take my wife" is not funny. It's the "please" that gets me. So it is the word. It is the right word.

But see, now, this is what I'd say to you. There are times when racial jokes are funny. I know it's bad to say that, but it's true, and I hate, hate, hate to laugh . . . but I do.

And people freak themselves out over the angel joke because it is is funny. It's a funny joke. But on that special they freaked out because they didn't know funny. It's a funny joke. But on that special they freaked out because they didn't know why why they were laughing. They didn't know whether they were laughing because I said "n.i.g.g.e.r" in the joke, or because it's an angel. They didn't know. And so, if you were watching when I told it, you saw people go HA! And then recoil and cover their mouths. they were laughing. They didn't know whether they were laughing because I said "n.i.g.g.e.r" in the joke, or because it's an angel. They didn't know. And so, if you were watching when I told it, you saw people go HA! And then recoil and cover their mouths.

But, come on, it's funny.

Am I right, buddy?