Unfortunately for the Euterpians, they died out, possibly after some kind of civil strife. No one knows why, where or how. Even their given name is a Federation-given one.

None of the historical evidence found so far provides us with any clues as to their real ident.i.ty. Most of their scripture is a form of musical scribbling. But any attempt to translate it via any known musical instrument provides such a cacophony of discordant noise that even the most avant-garde of musical enthusiasts accept that it is not being played as it should be. Not even renowned musical scholars such as Lock, Proot or even Gla.s.st can provide any meaning to the symbols.

It is therefore generally believed that the Euterpians will have to be catalogued as one of those mysterious galactic races destined for obscurity, both culturally and scholastically.

A shame, really. No one likes a mystery. . .

Extract from An Even Briefer History of Time An Even Briefer History of Time by High Lord Rhukk by High Lord Rhukk Bowketts Universal Publications 3974 16.

Episode One

The s.p.a.ce-time vortex

'Oh dear, I don't think that can be right.'

The Doctor let go of the elasticated tape measure and with a 'thwick' it quickly rewound itself, slapping across his fingers as it popped back into its casing. 'Owww!' he cried loudly, sucking his fingers.

'Don't be such a baby, Doc,' muttered a young man's voice from across the TARDIS console room.

'Oh, Ben, don't be so unfeeling,' said Polly, quickly going to the Doctor's side. 'He's still feeling vulnerable after his recent . . . experiences.'

Ben rolled his eyes heavenward and murmured something incoherent that included the phrases 'three weeks', 'self-pity'

and 'mollycoddle'.

Polly was not listening; instead she was examining the Doctor's damp digits. 'What were you trying to do, Doctor?

Maybe Ben and I can help.'

The Doctor smiled, his green eyes twinkling at her concern. 'Oh, that's very kind, Polly. Very kind indeed. But I really don't think -' he saw her look of disappointment - 'oh, on the other hand, maybe there is something.'

Polly brightened and threw a withering look at Ben, who tried to slump further into the Louis XIV chair and read his book.

'Leave it out, d.u.c.h.ess, I'm busy.'

Polly stuck her tongue out at him. 'I didn't know you could read now,' she said. 'Obviously the TARDIS has rubbed off on you.'

'Oh, ha-ha-ha,' retorted Ben.

The Doctor clicked his tongue reprovingly. 'Now, come on.' He grinned at Polly and pa.s.sed her the tape measure.

'I'm trying to check that the interior dimensions of the TARDIS aren't decreasing. You see, when I regenerated, so did the Ship - to some extent.'

17.'I thought things had moved around a bit,' said Polly. 'I had a dreadful time finding the bathroom this morning. I walked for ages and eventually found something marked "BATHROOM". It was a swimming pool!'

The Doctor nodded sagely. 'Ah. Yes. Borrowed the plans for that from Claudius Caesar. Nice old chap, but had a dreadful stammer. Good range of baths though.'

Polly smiled. 'I'm glad you're completely recovered, Doctor. You had us worried, you know.'

'Regeneration's a tricky thing,' he said. 'And it was my first one. Always the trickiest. They're supposed to get better as they go on, so long as you don't flitter them.

Always used to say to my academy chum Magnus, "Magnus," I'd say, "Magnus, don't throw old bodies away like you would a suit. They don't grow on trees." Or something like that. Never listened though.'

Polly shook her head. 'Just how many of you are there at "home", wherever that may be?'

The Doctor stared at her for a moment and she shivered.

Somehow she thought he was not looking at her so much as through through her - into his own memories. Suddenly he broke into a grin and began twiddling his fingers. 'Anyway,' he said, reverting to his original concern, 'I want to see if this room has contracted.' her - into his own memories. Suddenly he broke into a grin and began twiddling his fingers. 'Anyway,' he said, reverting to his original concern, 'I want to see if this room has contracted.'

Ben looked up from his book. 'Didn't answer the question, Doc,' he said.

Polly turned, aghast at Ben's rudeness. 'Ben! If the Doctor doesn't want to discuss his private life, why should he?

You're not exactly forthcoming about your history, are you?'

'Ah, nothing to learn, d.u.c.h.ess. Went to sea when I was fifteen, did my service and ended up here. Besides, the other Doctor - the older one - he'd always answer a straight question.'

The Doctor turned and looked at Ben. 'Oh, I don't think that's true, Ben. Indeed, I can remember many occasions when you got frustrated at things that he . . . I . . . didn't tell you.'

18.'Yeah, I s'pose so.' Ben suddenly grinned at the Doctor. 'It takes some getting used to, you know. This body swapping or whatever it is.'

'Do you still doubt he is the Doctor?' asked Polly. 'You seemed very dubious on Vulcan.'

Ben looked at the Doctor. 'Nah. He's still the Doctor. He still talks the hind legs off a donkey - and none of it in straight English. He has has to be the Doc.' He got out of his chair, dropped his book on a cushion and took the other end of the tape measure. 'All right, so what are we doing?' to be the Doc.' He got out of his chair, dropped his book on a cushion and took the other end of the tape measure. 'All right, so what are we doing?'

The Doctor clapped his hands together and smiled. 'Oh, goody. Now, Ben, you stand over here.' He took Ben towards the double doors. 'And Polly,' he said, crossing to her, 'if you'd be so kind as to stand here.' He pointed at the doorway to the rest of the Ship. 'Now, pull it taut and I'll see how long it is.'

Polly gave the tape measure a tug and pulled it towards her. Ben gripped the case-end tightly and the Doctor ran between the two of them, looking at the notebook he had suddenly produced from an inside pocket. Retrieving a pencil from behind Ben's ear (Ben was positive it had not been there seconds earlier), he started muttering and jotting things down.

After a few moments of frantic scampering, scribbling and scratching the Doctor flopped down into the Louis XIV, squashing Ben's book. With a guilty look he retrieved it from beneath him and sheepishly handed it over. In return, Ben gave him the rewound tape measure and a smile.

'Well?' asked Polly.

'Yes, thank you,' beamed the Doctor. 'I think we could all do with some tea and scones.'

'I'll get it.' Polly wandered to the galley area, where the food machine stood. As soon as she was out of earshot, the Doctor beckoned Ben over and pulled him down so that he could whisper in his ear. 'I was right, Ben. The TARDIS has shrunk. Only about fifteen centimetres, but enough to worry me.'

'Centi-whats?'

19.'I mean, about six inches. I keep forgetting that you haven't adopted decimal measurements in your time. Still, won't be long. Anyway, that's beside the point. The fact is, the TARDIS is getting smaller. Entropy. The time and s.p.a.ce traveller's greatest enemy.'

'Is it a serious problem?'

'Oh, absolutely. If I regenerate again, it'll shrink again. By the time I reach my fourth incarnation I predict this room will be tiny - barely room to swing a cat.'

'Your fourth. . . well, excuse me, Doctor, but I hope that's a long way off. In which case, why are we worrying?' Ben patted him on the shoulder. 'You don't half get worked up over nothing.'

The Doctor removed his blue and white spotted handkerchief from his breast pocket. 'I must tie a knot in it, to remind me when I get to my fourth body to do something about reconfiguring the Ship.' He tied four knots in it, one after the other. 'My own special code - four knots for the fourth body,' he smiled. And then frowned. Near the bottom were two knots next to each other. 'I wonder what they are for?'

With a short laugh Ben wandered off to find Polly. It did not take him long as the smell of warm scones drew him on.

Sure enough, there she was, pouring tea into three large mugs. 'Wotcha, d.u.c.h.ess.'

Polly started and nearly spilled the tea. 'Oh, Ben, don't do that. You took years off me.'

'Yeah - well, it could be worse. It could be centimetres.'

'Centi-whats?' she asked.

'Oh, c'mon Pol. Centimetres. You know, decimal measurements and all that.' He reached for a scone and popped one into his mouth. 'I'll carry those,' he said incoherently and picked up the plate.

As he wandered out, Polly shook her head and put the three mugs on to a tray. Picking it up she muttered, 'Centimetres? What's wrong with feet and inches? Bet it never takes off,' and wandered back towards the console room.

20.The solar system containing Earth, part of the Mutter's Spiral Spiral Queen Aysha regarded the bridge of her battle cruiser.

Around her, the finest trained crew busied themselves with their jobs, working hard and accurately.

Aysha placed her paw-print on a report form brought to her by first-sired Chosan and nodded at the pattern of stars twisting on the holo display in front of them. 'Is this the system?'

Chosan purred slightly, running a claw down a whisker.

'Indeed, Queen. The message from our agent was picked up from the third planet to the sun.'

'Information, please,' Aysha called down to the a.s.sembled crew.

One of the seats was swung round lazily, the occupant licking its paw and then wiping its face. Queen Aysha sighed inwardly. Of course, as tactical officer it would have to be Lotuss who answered. As Lotuss stood up to her full height (she was by no stretch of the imagination tall) she allowed her ears to twitch back slightly, a sign of antagonism. Aysha knew better than to take the bait and kept her own ears erect, her fur flat.

Lotuss had made little secret of the fact that as one of Aysha's first-litter, she had certain privileges. Like Chosan, she enjoyed familiarity and rank aboard the ship but like all litter-runts, the urge to prove physical superiority drove her more savagely than most. One eye socket was gone, its pa.s.sing marked by a long scar, and her left ear was partially shredded. Quick movements frequently made the unconnected bits flap discordantly. Patches of fur were missing from her back and upper-left forearm. Cosmetic surgery could have cured all of these defects but Lotuss preferred the scars of her battles to be permanently on view.

They acted, successfully as it happened, as a warning that her diminutive size in no way mirrored her viciousness.

'Mother,' Lotuss said. Aysha shuddered at the familiarity of the t.i.tle - even her first-sired referred to her as Queen in 21 company. Only Lotuss would be so bold. 'Mother, it is a world we have been studying for many years. One of only three to have sustained any kind of sentient life in this system, it is called Earth by the inhabitants, a rather obvious name as it is nothing more than a dirt-tray with a preponderance of water.'

Various crew-members shuddered and a few hackles rose at the mention of water, but Lotuss just smiled, bearing her incisor teeth.

Chosan looked over at the holo display. 'Are you sure it doesn't come from the other two?'

Lotuss shook her head. 'The next one on, towards the sun, is too hot for mammalian life and the red planet we're approaching shows signs of a long-lost civilization but for now it is dead. Earth is where our. . . prey is.'

Aysha purred loudly. 'Thank you, Lotuss. But note, we are not seeking out our contact as prey. Not yet. We must find out what this secret is that she has promised us.'

'And then?' hissed Lotuss.

'If it is not to our liking,' Aysha drew back her own mouth and bared her own gleaming teeth, 'well, then we will, as always, destroy all sentient life and strip the planet of whatever minerals and power sources as pleases me. ETA please?'

Chosan punched up some figures and the holo display of s.p.a.ce was replaced by a series of numbers.

'Seventeen hours, Queen. Will you use the transporter or take your shuttle?'

Aysha reflected, then shook her head. 'No - even if Tamora has rectified the malfunction, I'm still not willing to risk living beings in it. Use it for inanimate objects only until we can run proper tests on it.'

Chosan made a note. 'I'll confirm with Tamora that your personal shuttle is to be prepared.'

Aysha nodded and waved everyone back to work. 'Thank you. Oh, Lotuss? I will speak to you in my litter-room.

Now.'

22.Lotuss nodded and counted to ten after Aysha had left the bridge. As she mounted the raised dais that led away from the tactical area second-sired Jayde touched her arm. A look but no words pa.s.sed between them. Then Lotuss left.

As Jayde returned to her navigation console, Chosan stopped looking at her in the reflection of the science console. Something was being planned against their mother.

Something that as first-sired, it was Chosan's job to stop.

And if that involved the death of the litter-runt, so much the better.

Queen Aysha stood in front of the cage in her litter-room. In her hand was a box of synthesized meat-b.a.l.l.s, which she was feeding a morsel at a time to the tom in the cage. He s.n.a.t.c.hed a meat-ball from her in clawless paws and sucked the meat up, getting bits caught in his fur and whiskers and generally making a mess of himself.

The beaded curtain in the doorway swished open. 'It is customary to knock,' Aysha said without turning around.

'It is customary to destroy the spent sire-stock,' was Lotuss's curt reply.

Putting the meat-ball box to one side, Aysha looked at her daughter and curled up on a ma.s.sive cushion, waving casually to another. Lotuss sat.

'I have had his teeth removed, his claws removed and he can no longer achieve any degree of propagation. Having him put down seems a fairly pointless exercise, frankly. If we were on the litter-world, I might agree, but as the only male company on board, I choose to keep him. As he is your father, I would expect a degree of respect if not affection.'

Lotuss spat. 'Affection? For that? It has an intelligence quota lower than a rodent. It doesn't even know it ever mated with you, let alone propagated three generations of offspring. It is an abomination and a reminder of how pathetic males are.'

Aysha nodded. 'Maybe. However, let us not forget that we need males or there would be a shortage of crew. Which 23 reminds me. There is a feeling, especially amongst the third-litter, that we should return to the litter-world. With only this wonderful specimen of masculinity aboard, they lack mates and are ready to have litters themselves. But firstly, it does not suit me to have any further litters within our family. The third-litter must accept that like your litter and the second-litter, they will remain barren until they die.

Secondly, Feles is too far away. Few of us would still be alive by the time we returned. And thirdly, I imagine you have omitted to point out to them that it was you who mauled the males of your own litter and fed them back to your father without him even knowing.'

Lotuss shrugged. 'Let us be honest, mother. He wouldn't have realized even if I'd wrapped them in towelling and written a note saying "These are your children you are eating".'

'The point I am making, litter-runt Lotuss, is that your continual stirring-up of the second-and third-litters is neither pa.s.sing me by nor worrying me. No one, bar myself, is indispensable to this mission. I would rather you pent up your savagery and prepare to use it on the creatures that inhabit Earth. A few shock tactics will go a long way to sorting out the first-sires from the runts amongst them. If you will excuse the a.n.a.logy,' Aysha added insincerely. She then stood, walked towards the milk dispenser, but suddenly changed direction and cuffed Lotuss so hard around the area of her missing eye that the litter-runt not only fell to the floor, but actually mewed in pain. Which satisfied the Queen. 'Be warned, Lotuss. I tolerate your living because you are the best fighter aboard. Accept that honour and prestige and stop trying to usurp your mother's authority, or it will be the death of you. Or worse. I'll put you in your father's cage, minus your claws, teeth and larynx. And I'll make sure he knows exactly who fed him his own offspring.'

Lotuss stared mutely at Aysha . . . Aysha wondered if that look in her eye was terror. Then the litter-runt got up, brushed her whiskers and left.

24.In the corridor outside, Lotuss coughed up a hairball and rubbed her sore forehead. 'Prepare to die in disgrace, "Queen" Aysha!' She snarled and headed back to the bridge and her station at tactical.

Chosan watched as she returned, silently and sullenly sitting back at tactical, and allowed herself a slight smile.