INTROVERT POWER.

WHY YOUR INNER LIFE IS YOUR HIDDEN STRENGTH.

by Laurie Helgoe, PhD

Introduction.

If you haven't been to a mosh pit, you've probably seen one in movies. A mob of people are crowded together, body to body, dancing and slamming into each other, usually at a live music club or concert. Occasionally, someone dives into the pit from the stage and "surfs" on the upraised arms of the crowd. The challenge of "moshing" is to work your way as close as possible to the band and to avoid getting trampled. Security guards keep watch in case such a thing happens, but any mosher will tell you that the pit is dangerous.

I've come to see the mosh pit as an apt description of American society-and of my childhood home. I was number nine out of ten bright, creative, and mostly LOUD kids. My dad, an eccentric genius, had wall-sized speakers in the living room that blared out cla.s.sical music. When the family sang together, we sang five-part harmonies of the uncompromising Handel's Messiah. Messiah. On Christmas Eve, we had a talent show and family service, and later tore into our presents all at once, paper and ribbons flying everywhere and voices crisscrossing the room shouting out "thank you!" and "just what I wanted!" These are happy memories, because there was a part for each of us. But instead of ripping paper and shouting, I sat in my corner with my pile of gifts and handled each as a treasure, slowly and carefully opening them, preserving the paper and lingering in the delight of discovery. I was meditating in the mosh pit. On Christmas Eve, we had a talent show and family service, and later tore into our presents all at once, paper and ribbons flying everywhere and voices crisscrossing the room shouting out "thank you!" and "just what I wanted!" These are happy memories, because there was a part for each of us. But instead of ripping paper and shouting, I sat in my corner with my pile of gifts and handled each as a treasure, slowly and carefully opening them, preserving the paper and lingering in the delight of discovery. I was meditating in the mosh pit.

However, when there were no gifts to open and everyone was competing for airtime, I felt invisible and became over-stimulated and anxious. My anxiety was not about the pressure to socialize; there were more than enough bodies to take care of that. I became anxious because I couldn't think, think, and, without my own mind, I felt like I was disintegrating. My solution was to retreat to my room and write. In my solitude I could regain contact with myself and become solid again. and, without my own mind, I felt like I was disintegrating. My solution was to retreat to my room and write. In my solitude I could regain contact with myself and become solid again.

I had a rich imagination; I wrote science fiction and developed secret codes with my little sister and a neighbor girl. Though the mosh pit was stressful, I knew that retreating was an option.

I lost this freedom when I entered school.

In first grade, I got scolded for hiding out in the bathroom with a couple of girls during recess. We were sprawled out on the floor, quietly engaged in the subversive practice of-yes, coloring. That's when I learned that my desire for quiet and solitude was bad.

I adapted. Years later, as a PhD candidate in clinical psychology, I didn't tell anyone that I was intimidated by the prospect of sitting in the room with a stranger. I wanted to be under under the surface-not to have to get there through social exchange. Again, I adapted, found success as a psychologist, and had practiced for almost ten years when I first admitted to my a.n.a.lyst (and the surface-not to have to get there through social exchange. Again, I adapted, found success as a psychologist, and had practiced for almost ten years when I first admitted to my a.n.a.lyst (and myself myself ) how taxing the "social exchange," particularly with new clients, had been for me. This was the first time I had acknowledged the simple truth: I am an introvert. ) how taxing the "social exchange," particularly with new clients, had been for me. This was the first time I had acknowledged the simple truth: I am an introvert.

My confession of introversion allowed me to rediscover the treasured self I had buried when I first stepped on the school bus. My a.n.a.lysis provided me the time and s.p.a.ce I had craved, and I entered a personal renaissance. I took my first-ever personal retreat, letting my husband and little boys handle things while I indulged in the privacy of a remote B&B in the woods. I began a prolific period of writing, learned to craft candles, discovered poetry, and, for the first time, saw a world beyond the constrictions of my profession. Predictably, as I came alive, people around me-even my closest family members-got worried. What if I relinquished my hard-earned career to sell candles on the art fair circuit? What kind of crazy ideas was I getting from my a.n.a.lyst? It hurts when the self you most value becomes a source of worry. But once you tap into that self, the worry won't stop you.

What kept me going was the energy I discovered. For the first time since my carefree childhood days, I experienced flow. flow.When I took my solitary walks, I felt I could walk forever, basking in the ample s.p.a.ce for thought and imagination. I discovered the sky and drew on its vastness as a source of comfort.

The world opened to me during these walks, and I began to envision new possibilities for my life. The image of a piano keyboard came to my mind, and I recognized that I had only learned one note-I was an expert on that note, but there were so many more to discover. The sky reminded me that there was so much more than the limited corner of the world I had come to know. I was filled with desire, and that desire led me to new notes and new places.

I was transported by the power of introversion.

Since that opening, I have experienced the glamour of being a model, savored the power of holding an audience captive as a stage actor, wrote and directed mixed-media performances, accompanied my son on an Amazon expedition, and, most satisfying of all, realized my desire to become an author.

Here's a well-kept secret: Introversion is not defined by lack. Introversion, when embraced, is a wellspring of riches. It took me years to acknowledge this simple reality, to claim my home, and to value all it offers.

Perhaps you also feel most at home within. But you've probably also felt the pull to abandon this home-to set up house in the world of social interactions. Even if you only enjoy an occasional visit inside yourself, you may struggle to justify such an indulgence. Because extroversion lines up so well with American values, we introverts often deprive ourselves of what we most enjoy and thrive on. So, for all of you who draw energy from inside, behind, underneath, or away from it all, welcome home.

AMERICA THE EXTROVERTED.

There's a lot to love about America-freedom, the melting pot of diversity, individualism-all attractive concepts, especially to an introvert. In fact, the introverts were probably the first to feel crowded in England and to daydream about all the s.p.a.ce they would find in the New World. Peace! Quiet!

Fast-forward to the new millennium-and it has been a fast trip forward-in which we are more likely to a.s.sociate America with office s.p.a.ce than with "s.p.a.cious skies." We have become an outward and upward society, conquering, building, competing, buying out, improving-extroverting. The squeaky wheels get greased, the ones who snooze lose, the best team wins, and the winner takes all.

DEFINING OUR TERMS.

Introversion is an inward orientation to life, and extroversion (alternatively spelled extraversion) is an outward orientation. Though you probably use both introversion and extroversion, one of these orientations usually feels more like home-more comfortable, more interesting and more energizing-than the other. Introverts prefer introversion; we tend to gain energy by reflecting and expend energy when interacting. Extroverts have the opposite preference; they tend to gain energy by interacting and expend energy while reflecting.

In this culture of compet.i.tion, it is no wonder that those of us who prefer introversion feel anxious. We are expected to "think on our feet," but we think best when we're still. We're pressured to join and keep up, when we'd rather follow an inner guide. And with the ever-multiplying multimedia-from pop-up ads on the Internet to phones that can reach us everywhere everywhere-the compet.i.tion finds us where we live. Even the sacred introvert haven, the dark movie theatre, is now being invaded by commercials! commercials!

When introverts sense invasion, we instinctively shut down to protect our inner resources. But in doing so, we lose access to ourselves. From this defensive position, we may feel that our only options are to practice extroversion, go underground, or go crazy.

Could it be that there's another alternative? Perhaps we could draw on our personal and communal strengths to a.s.sert a.s.sert introversion in our culture. Sound like a paradox? Yes-as paradoxical as meditating in a mosh pit. introversion in our culture. Sound like a paradox? Yes-as paradoxical as meditating in a mosh pit.

INTROVERSION FOR ALL.

According to the introverted psychiatrist Carl G. Jung, introversion and extroversion are two opposing forces within an individual. Jung was the first to identify these personality att.i.tudes, one "characterized by orientation in life through subjective psychic contents" (introversion) and the other, "by concentration of interest on the external object" (extrover-sion). Isabel Briggs Myers and Katharine Cook Briggs, who developed the popular Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, built on the idea that introverts prefer to focus on their own inner world, whereas extroverts prefer to focus on the outer world. But as the concepts of introversion and extroversion gained popularity, they began to lose their dynamic roots. We tend to see ourselves as introverted OR extroverted, rather than as a creative, evolving combination of the two.

It is this dynamism that makes introversion relevant to all of us. Whether the scale tips in the I direction and you call yourself an introvert, or you load up on the side of E, every one of us has some capacity for introversion. When a culture devalues these qualities, we are all reduced.

The way personal growth is supposed to progress, according to Jung, is that we first develop what comes naturally-introversion or extroversion. This specialization works well until later life, when the individual gets bored and wants to expand his or her range. But what happens when the introvert is discouraged or, worse, prohibited from practicing her specialty?

The introvert may adapt, but she walks around with a nagging sense of homelessness. She won't need to wait until midlife to become bored-she's bored already! It's hard enough to be in a career that doesn't fit, but for many introverts, the life life doesn't fit. doesn't fit.

For these introverts, what is needed is not not a move toward extroversion, but as a friend of mine put it, an opportunity to "melt into introversion." This book is not about finding balance-we are really tired of doing that! Besides, finding balance a.s.sumes that we have been a move toward extroversion, but as a friend of mine put it, an opportunity to "melt into introversion." This book is not about finding balance-we are really tired of doing that! Besides, finding balance a.s.sumes that we have been allowed allowed to be fully introverted. We have not. This book is about embracing the power of introversion. It's about indulging, melting into, drinking in, immersing ourselves in the joy, the genius, and the power of who we naturally are-and not just on the occasional retreat, but in the living of our lives. Ironically, balance will only come to us if we forget about extroversion for awhile, and balance will only come to our society when we see and respect the introversion in all of us. to be fully introverted. We have not. This book is about embracing the power of introversion. It's about indulging, melting into, drinking in, immersing ourselves in the joy, the genius, and the power of who we naturally are-and not just on the occasional retreat, but in the living of our lives. Ironically, balance will only come to us if we forget about extroversion for awhile, and balance will only come to our society when we see and respect the introversion in all of us.

THE BIG LIE.

Thanks to Jung and his successors, we have the tools to understand these qualities. We have a personality test to measure introversion and extroversion. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator(MBTI ) has generated a vast amount of research on introversion and extroversion. Popular literature has emerged to explain how each of us can understand our personality preferences and use them to our advantage. But lies about introversion are so imbedded in the fabric of our culture that even the literature geared toward correcting misconceptions inadvertently promotes them.

The biggest lie is that introverts are in the minority, making up one-fourth or one-third of the population, depending on what you've read. Any introvert who has done a quick web search, attempting to find some company, has probably run across and even quoted these figures. But not only are these figures floating around the Web, they are also repeatedly quoted in the self-help books many of us use as resources.

When I started my research for this book, I wanted to know where these statistics came from. I wanted to find the research that the books were quoting. So I went to the source: the MBTI Manual (2003), MBTI Manual (2003), a regularly-updated compendium for the research on introversion, extroversion, and the other personality dimensions measured by the MBTI . But what I found was quite different. a regularly-updated compendium for the research on introversion, extroversion, and the other personality dimensions measured by the MBTI . But what I found was quite different.

The first large-scale population study of the MBTI revealed that introverts make up a good half half (50.7 percent) of the population (and if you want to split hairs, we seem to be in the (50.7 percent) of the population (and if you want to split hairs, we seem to be in the majority majority). This study, the largest to date, was conducted in 1998. A more recent population study, reported in the This study, the largest to date, was conducted in 1998. A more recent population study, reported in the MBTI Step II Manual, MBTI Step II Manual, puts introverts a little further into the majority: 57 percent, compared to 43 percent extroverts. puts introverts a little further into the majority: 57 percent, compared to 43 percent extroverts.

It took me much longer to find the source of the claim that introverts make up only a third of the population. Isabel Myers made this estimate when the MBTI was being developed-prior to 1962! 1962!

How can we be so far off?

As much as research shows the contrary, the belief that introverts are in the minority has stuck. After all, in America, extroversion is what we value. what we value. And we see what we value. So we see extroverts everywhere, and we no longer notice the introverts everywhere. Sometimes we even miss the one looking back at us in the mirror. We might tell ourselves that And we see what we value. So we see extroverts everywhere, and we no longer notice the introverts everywhere. Sometimes we even miss the one looking back at us in the mirror. We might tell ourselves that introverts are naturally less visible than extroverts. introverts are naturally less visible than extroverts. This lie is as insidious and damaging as the lie about our numbers. Perhaps a better way to put it is that we are less This lie is as insidious and damaging as the lie about our numbers. Perhaps a better way to put it is that we are less seen seen in America. Go to j.a.pan, for example, and, despite the ma.s.sive population, an introverted businessperson is more likely to be noticed than a "fast talker." in America. Go to j.a.pan, for example, and, despite the ma.s.sive population, an introverted businessperson is more likely to be noticed than a "fast talker."

In America, we think of introverts as withdrawn loners, quiet and scared. We readily diagnose a preference for looking inward as stemming from depression, anxiety, or antisocial tendencies. We don't know what introversion really is, and we interact with introverts all day without realizing it.

We've got it all wrong.

REVIVING YOUR INTROVERSION.

From a young age, most of us are taught the value of social skills. We learn how to introduce ourselves, how to smile and be polite. We are told to be friendly and make friends. These are all useful abilities to develop. But how many of us are taught the value of solitude skills? How many of us are taught to protect our boundaries, to foster imagination, to be alone? How many of us are encouraged to withdraw from social activity and nurture the life of the mind?

This book is here to provide that missing training and support. We'll examine how introversion may have gotten away from you, and how to get it back. We'll deconstruct the extroversion a.s.sumption, and see how it manifests in everyday conversations, judgments, and ideas about work and play. As you are freed to reclaim your preference, you will be amazed at the power you feel. Life will flow in a way you hadn't thought was possible. You may find yourself asking: "Is this okay?" "Can things be this easy?"

As this transformation occurs at the individual level-this simple reclaiming of your home-you'll notice your world changing. I think you're going to like it.

Welcome.

WHAT'S INSIDE Introvert Power Introvert Power provides an provides an Introvert Power provides an alternative to the extroversion training you've been receiving all your life. As unnatural as extroversion has felt to introverts, we've gotten used to it. Rather than putting a thin coat of introversion over layers of extroverted thinking, provides an alternative to the extroversion training you've been receiving all your life. As unnatural as extroversion has felt to introverts, we've gotten used to it. Rather than putting a thin coat of introversion over layers of extroverted thinking, Introvert Power Introvert Power asks you to strip down your thinking first and then dip into your true colors. The book is divided into five parts, each essential to our retraining and best experienced in sequence. asks you to strip down your thinking first and then dip into your true colors. The book is divided into five parts, each essential to our retraining and best experienced in sequence.

In Part One, Antisocial,Weird, or Displaced? Antisocial,Weird, or Displaced? we take on-and take apart-the beliefs we've adopted about introversion, along with our culturally determined a.s.sumptions about what is healthy. We look at mistaken a.s.sociations between introversion and mental illness, and confront our society's taboo against solitude. You'll meet two introvert styles, represented by Shadow Dwellers and Accessible Introverts, and learn how these styles have developed in the context of an alienating society. Then we start looking at what's real: our numbers, our influence on current trends, and the economic power we exert. Finally, we look at societies that favor introversion and what we can learn from them. we take on-and take apart-the beliefs we've adopted about introversion, along with our culturally determined a.s.sumptions about what is healthy. We look at mistaken a.s.sociations between introversion and mental illness, and confront our society's taboo against solitude. You'll meet two introvert styles, represented by Shadow Dwellers and Accessible Introverts, and learn how these styles have developed in the context of an alienating society. Then we start looking at what's real: our numbers, our influence on current trends, and the economic power we exert. Finally, we look at societies that favor introversion and what we can learn from them.

Part Two, The Introvert's Wish List, The Introvert's Wish List, is the melting into introversion section. In these chapters, we indulge in our wishes for private s.p.a.ce, time to think, routine retreats, pa.s.sionate observation, and real intimacy. Though the process may feel like a guilty indulgence, we'll see why such pleasures are in fact essential to introverts and healing to society as a whole. is the melting into introversion section. In these chapters, we indulge in our wishes for private s.p.a.ce, time to think, routine retreats, pa.s.sionate observation, and real intimacy. Though the process may feel like a guilty indulgence, we'll see why such pleasures are in fact essential to introverts and healing to society as a whole.

In Part Three, Standing Still in a Loud World, Standing Still in a Loud World, we move into the areas that have become defined by extroversion and look at how to bring an introvert tempo into the mix. You'll learn how to create s.p.a.ce in conversations and how to just say no to parties-or how to hang out, introvert-style. We deal with work and the people who interrupt us. We sort out how to be there for the people we love while remaining loyal to ourselves. we move into the areas that have become defined by extroversion and look at how to bring an introvert tempo into the mix. You'll learn how to create s.p.a.ce in conversations and how to just say no to parties-or how to hang out, introvert-style. We deal with work and the people who interrupt us. We sort out how to be there for the people we love while remaining loyal to ourselves.

And we confront the downside of introversion, and how to know when we need a window out.

The final section, Outing the Introvert, Outing the Introvert, takes us one step further, from introvert restoration to introvert renaissance. We take ownership of our society, educating rather than apologizing, acting with introvert integrity rather than conformity or indifference, and expressing, in our own way, the richness within us. We consider when extroversion is natural for us and, fully rooted in introversion, we relinquish the defensive stance that once restricted our freedom. We begin to meditate in the mosh pit and, as we do, the pit transforms into a house of meditation; the extroverted slamming no longer pushes us off balance, and the rhythms of introversion and extroversion complement each other in a new dance. takes us one step further, from introvert restoration to introvert renaissance. We take ownership of our society, educating rather than apologizing, acting with introvert integrity rather than conformity or indifference, and expressing, in our own way, the richness within us. We consider when extroversion is natural for us and, fully rooted in introversion, we relinquish the defensive stance that once restricted our freedom. We begin to meditate in the mosh pit and, as we do, the pit transforms into a house of meditation; the extroverted slamming no longer pushes us off balance, and the rhythms of introversion and extroversion complement each other in a new dance.

INTROVERT VOICES.

My voice will always be limited in capturing your private experience, so I supplement my words here with the voices of a diverse group of introverts. I polled the introverts in my world, as well as subscribers to my website, www.wakingdesire.com (see also, (see also, www.introvertpower.com). A group of voices emerged: a college student from Puerto Rico who makes films in her spare time; a minister with a generative mind and minimalist lifestyle; a high school soph.o.m.ore who obtains permission to doodle in her cla.s.ses; a professional comedian; a sampling of accountants, artists, government employees, musicians, conservationists, health professionals, and writers. These contributors welcomed the opportunity to write write their thoughts-extroverted techniques were not used in the making of this book-and struck me with their honesty and insight. Many appreciated being asked. The voices of introverted heroes-literary, historical, popular, and lesser known-also enrich the pages ahead. their thoughts-extroverted techniques were not used in the making of this book-and struck me with their honesty and insight. Many appreciated being asked. The voices of introverted heroes-literary, historical, popular, and lesser known-also enrich the pages ahead.

Regardless of how many introvert perspectives I can provide, however, it is your voice that I hope to inspire.

Part I:

Antisocial, Weird, or Displaced?

Chapter 1: The Mistaken Ident.i.ty

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.-Ralph Waldo Emerson "He's thin and white...if he's tall he's got bad posture."

"Not particularly attractive, ungainly, with skin problems-would be first underweight and then (later in life) overweight." "Nerdy."

"Geeky."

"Conservative style, neutral colors."

These are some descriptions of what an introvert looks like. What is alarming is that these descriptions all come from introverts! When the same people describe themselves, the picture changes: "My physical appearance is...exotic. Light green-blue slanted eyes and high cheekbones."

"Natural blonde."

"I'm overweight, tanned skin, big, round, and dark brown eyes."

"Somewhat tall, reasonably attractive considering age."

"Brown curly hair-I look like I'm from another country."

What stood out to me as I polled these people was the sterile and colorless quality of the archetypal introvert, contrasted by the colorized descriptions of the self-identified introverts. The stereotyped introvert is often seen as introvert by default when, in fact, introversion is defined as a preference. preference. Introverts generally prefer a rich inner life to an expansive social life; we would rather talk intimately with a close friend than share stories with a group; and we prefer to develop our ideas internally rather than interactively. Introverts generally prefer a rich inner life to an expansive social life; we would rather talk intimately with a close friend than share stories with a group; and we prefer to develop our ideas internally rather than interactively.

So how have we jumped from these preferences to images of a cowering, reclusive weirdo? Iris Chang commented, "Whatever is not commonly seen is condemned as alien." We have lost our eyes for introversion. As we discussed in the introduction, introverts make up more than half more than half of the population, yet we a.s.sume that introverts are an occasional deviation-the geeks in the shadows. of the population, yet we a.s.sume that introverts are an occasional deviation-the geeks in the shadows.

Introversion, by definition, is not readily seen. Introverts keep their best stuff inside-that is, until it is ready. And this drives extroverts crazy! The explanation for the introvert's behavior-and there must be an explanation for this behavior, say the extroverts-is that he or she is antisocial, out of touch, or simply a sn.o.b.

Because introverts are trickier to read, it is easy to project our fears and negative biases onto this preference. And it's not just extroverts who do this. As my informal poll revealed, we often make similar a.s.sumptions about other introverts, and-most troubling of all-about ourselves! One of the introverts I polled is a striking beauty. She described her physical appearance as "OK." Another very attractive introvert described herself as "the status quo." These downplayed descriptions may reflect a tendency to focus less on externals, but we also tend to downplay our very personalities-the style we prefer. prefer. For example, do you ever jokingly or apologetically admit to being antisocial, or view yourself as boring in relation to your chatty a.s.sociates? Do you beat yourself up for not joining in? Do you worry that something is wrong with you; that you're missing out; that who you are naturally is a problem needing correction? For example, do you ever jokingly or apologetically admit to being antisocial, or view yourself as boring in relation to your chatty a.s.sociates? Do you beat yourself up for not joining in? Do you worry that something is wrong with you; that you're missing out; that who you are naturally is a problem needing correction?

Your nature is not the problem. The problem is that you have become alienated alienated from your nature-from your power source. As Isabel Briggs Myers discussed in her book, from your nature-from your power source. As Isabel Briggs Myers discussed in her book, Gifts Differing, Gifts Differing, "The best-adjusted people are the 'psychologically patriotic,' who are glad to be what they are." For introverts this means, "Their loyalty goes to their own inner principle and derives from it a secure and unshakable orientation to life." "The best-adjusted people are the 'psychologically patriotic,' who are glad to be what they are." For introverts this means, "Their loyalty goes to their own inner principle and derives from it a secure and unshakable orientation to life."

But we hav have been shaken. To reclaim the power of introversion, we must first deconstruct the a.s.sumptions we make about who we are.

I wondered if I was perhaps anti-social, or maybe even flawed.

-Suzanne, Oregon THE OPPOSITE OF SOCIAL IS NOT ANTISOCIAL.

Of all the a.s.sumptions made about introverts, the idea that we are antisocial antisocial is the most ridiculous. The term "antisocial" actually refers to sociopathy (or antisocial personality disorder), a condition in which a person lacks a social conscience. This has nothing to do with introversion. Introverts are often deeply concerned about the human condition; they just tend to look within for answers. Ironically, the cla.s.sic sociopath is quite charming and socially engaging, but lacks the is the most ridiculous. The term "antisocial" actually refers to sociopathy (or antisocial personality disorder), a condition in which a person lacks a social conscience. This has nothing to do with introversion. Introverts are often deeply concerned about the human condition; they just tend to look within for answers. Ironically, the cla.s.sic sociopath is quite charming and socially engaging, but lacks the inner inner capacity to feel empathy and guilt. capacity to feel empathy and guilt.

This is a great example of how our vision tricks us. An introvert deep in thought will look look self-absorbed, whether he's thinking about world hunger or working out how to hack into someone's bank account. An engaging extrovert will self-absorbed, whether he's thinking about world hunger or working out how to hack into someone's bank account. An engaging extrovert will look look friendly, whether he really cares about your day or is trying to pick your pocket. Therapists are reluctant to apply the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder until there is clear evidence for it, because it is a serious problem with a poor prognosis. Enjoying your own company does not warrant any diagnosis, but this one is especially cruel. friendly, whether he really cares about your day or is trying to pick your pocket. Therapists are reluctant to apply the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder until there is clear evidence for it, because it is a serious problem with a poor prognosis. Enjoying your own company does not warrant any diagnosis, but this one is especially cruel.

But are we just talking semantics here? When we use "antisocial" in this way, we really mean not social, or asocial asocial-the correct term for someone who does not like to interact with people. So would it be fair to say that introverts are asocial?

Wrong again.

THE OPPOSITE OF SOCIAL IS NOT INTROVERTED.

An introvert may feel feel asocial when pressured to go to a party that doesn't interest her. But for her, the event does not promise meaningful interaction. In fact, she knows that the party will leave her feeling asocial when pressured to go to a party that doesn't interest her. But for her, the event does not promise meaningful interaction. In fact, she knows that the party will leave her feeling more more alone and alienated. Her social preference may be to stay home and reflect on a conversation with a friend, call that friend, and come to an understanding that is meaningful to her. Or she might indulge in the words of a favorite author, feeling a deep connection with a person she has never met. From the perspective of a partygoer, this introvert may appear to be asocial, when, in fact, the introvert is interacting in a much different way. alone and alienated. Her social preference may be to stay home and reflect on a conversation with a friend, call that friend, and come to an understanding that is meaningful to her. Or she might indulge in the words of a favorite author, feeling a deep connection with a person she has never met. From the perspective of a partygoer, this introvert may appear to be asocial, when, in fact, the introvert is interacting in a much different way.

Q: What would you like extroverts to understand about you? What would you like extroverts to understand about you?

A: That we are social, too. It [socializing] just takes energy away from us and we need to recharge after a certain amount of time. Our need to retreat is not a statement about them or our relationship with them. That we are social, too. It [socializing] just takes energy away from us and we need to recharge after a certain amount of time. Our need to retreat is not a statement about them or our relationship with them.

-Lisa, North Carolina Because the introvert is oriented to the inner world, she "takes to heart" something a good friend says and needs time to reflect before responding. This can happen during a relaxed talk, but, for the introvert, the understanding deepens during the time between between conversations. If we think of each person as having a finite amount of interpersonal s.p.a.ce, an extrovert is more like a hotel-able to accommodate a large number of interactions that come and go. Note that I said conversations. If we think of each person as having a finite amount of interpersonal s.p.a.ce, an extrovert is more like a hotel-able to accommodate a large number of interactions that come and go. Note that I said interactions, interactions, not people. Extroverts are often able to accommodate more people as well, but because extroverts wrap up interactions not people. Extroverts are often able to accommodate more people as well, but because extroverts wrap up interactions in the in the interaction, even a close friend may check in and check out as needed. An introvert may have the same square footage, but each meaningful interaction is reserved in its own luxury suite, awaiting the follow-up interaction. Bookings are more limited. A related a.s.sumption about introverts is that we are socially incompetent. Are you starting to see a pattern? a.s.sumptions about introversion usually link the preference with some kind of interaction, even a close friend may check in and check out as needed. An introvert may have the same square footage, but each meaningful interaction is reserved in its own luxury suite, awaiting the follow-up interaction. Bookings are more limited. A related a.s.sumption about introverts is that we are socially incompetent. Are you starting to see a pattern? a.s.sumptions about introversion usually link the preference with some kind of lack lack or disorder. So let's get this one over with too. Just as extroverts can have poor social skills (think of the raucous, obnoxious socializer), introverts can be socially savvy. Introverts often choose "people professions" as their life work. or disorder. So let's get this one over with too. Just as extroverts can have poor social skills (think of the raucous, obnoxious socializer), introverts can be socially savvy. Introverts often choose "people professions" as their life work.

I have been wrong too many times to a.s.sume that an outgoing social leader is an extrovert. The introverted leader may check out for refueling and relish alone time after work, but be quite "out there" in her public role. Stories abound of high-profile introverts who chill out to read a book, watch golf on TV, or take a walk.

So, being an introvert does not mean you're antisocial, asocial, or socially inept. It does mean that you are oriented to ideas-whether those ideas involve you with people or not. It means that you prefer s.p.a.cious interactions with fewer people. And it means that, when you converse, you are more interested in sharing ideas than in talking about people and what they're doing. In a conversation with someone sharing gossip, the introvert's eyes glaze over and his brow furrows as he tries to comprehend how this conversation could interest anyone. This is not because the introvert is morally superior-he just doesn't get it. get it. As we've discussed, introverts are energized and excited by ideas. Simply talking about people, what they do and who they know, is noise for the introvert. He'll be looking between the lines for some meaning, and this can be hard work! Before long, he'll be looking for a way out of the conversation. As we've discussed, introverts are energized and excited by ideas. Simply talking about people, what they do and who they know, is noise for the introvert. He'll be looking between the lines for some meaning, and this can be hard work! Before long, he'll be looking for a way out of the conversation.

But when an introvert is hanging out with a friend, sharing ideas, he is in his element. The conversation is "mind to mind" rather than "mouth to mouth." Extroverts share ideas too, but the ideas are secondary to the interaction, and develop between between the two people as they talk. The focal point is external. For introverts, the focal point is internal, with each partic.i.p.ant bringing the other inside and working things out there. A good conversation leaves an introvert feeling more connected, but also personally richer. the two people as they talk. The focal point is external. For introverts, the focal point is internal, with each partic.i.p.ant bringing the other inside and working things out there. A good conversation leaves an introvert feeling more connected, but also personally richer.

Understanding the location location of interactions puts introverts back on the map. Extroverts understandably need more face-to-face time, because that's where the interaction is located. Introverts need more of interactions puts introverts back on the map. Extroverts understandably need more face-to-face time, because that's where the interaction is located. Introverts need more between between time-between words in a conversation and between conversations-because the interaction is located within. time-between words in a conversation and between conversations-because the interaction is located within.

WE ARE NOT Sn.o.bS.

While this is an a.s.sumption some introverts like-being a sn.o.b is better than being impaired impaired-it ultimately hurts us. Think of a group of Extrovert Moms gathered together at a Little League game, excitedly chatting and enjoying the action.