"You know."

"It's going to be fine. I promise." Irene gave Miri her most rea.s.suring smile.

"But you've never flown," Miri said. "How can you promise when anything could happen, anything could go wrong."

"Anything could go wrong any day of the week. What's the point of worrying in advance?"

"How do you stop yourself from worrying?"

"I think of all the good things in my life."

"What about the bad things?"

"There's no room for them inside my head. Not anymore. Now I say live and let live, and I kick those other thoughts away. You can do that, too."

"I'm trying, Nana. I swear, I'm trying."

Irene squeezed her hand. "That's my girl."

- SHE DID NOT want to flash back to six months ago, to that frigid December day when the ball of fire fell from the sky, exploding not once, but twice. She had pains in her stomach now, maybe from not eating anything since yesterday afternoon, when Suzanne had hosted a going-away lunch for her. Tuna salad and deviled eggs, all arranged on a pretty platter with pale blue ribbons tying up the napkins. The girls were careful not to mention Mason's name. Robo, who had come from Millburn, brought up the subject once. "Good riddance to him." Without saying a word Suzanne and Eleanor let her know she was out of bounds.

Miri handed the panda bear from its shelf in her now-empty closet to Suzanne, asking her to give it to Betsy in person as soon as Mrs. Foster said it was okay to visit. Suzanne promised she would.

They'd chipped in to give Miri a going-away present from Oakley's, a double box of stationery with a western motif-cowboys, cacti, broncos-decorating the lower-right-hand corner of each sheet, plus an Esterbrook pen in pastel green, with a bottle of green ink, exactly what she'd been hoping someone would give her for Hanukkah. "Something to remember us by," Suzanne said.

"As if I could forget any of you," Miri told them, choking up. She promised to write. They promised they'd write, too.

For a while she thought Mason might come by the house, but he didn't. Once she understood he was avoiding her the way she was avoiding him, she wanted to leave, the sooner the better. And now she was going. She was going to walk up the steps leading to the silver bird that would gobble her up, holding her in its belly until it reached its faraway destination, where it would spit her out. In one piece, she hoped.

The stewardess, in her famous uniform with the red cut-out TWA logo on her right shoulder, welcomed them onto the plane. Miri was rea.s.sured to see that the seating looked so much like a train. She was never afraid on a train. They were seated two by two-Irene with Ben, Rusty with Dr. O and Miri with Fern. The stewardess handed the two girls silver wings to pin to their jackets. Fern's jacket was turquoise felt with appliqued animals. She asked for a second pin for Roy Rabbit. Miri offered hers, then pinned one to Fern's jacket, and the other to Roy Rabbit's well-worn vest.

"Have you been to Lost Vegas?" Fern asked her.

"No." Miri resisted a laugh. It made sense to call it lost since it was in the middle of nowhere.

"Will you be my sister now?" Fern asked.

"Stepsister."

"Like in Cinderella?"

"No. My mother is very nice so you don't have to worry about having a wicked stepmother. And my grandmother is the best grandmother ever-except when she talks about boys, but you don't have to worry about that yet."

"I'm only coming for the summer," Fern said. "Mommy wanted me to go to camp but I wanted to go with Daddy."

"I'm glad you're coming with us." Miri never thought she'd say that, but there was something comforting about having Fern sitting next to her, her skinny little legs swinging up and down, her cowboy bunny clutched against her chest. She liked having someone to watch over, someone who needed her to be strong.

"Did you know Roy Rogers has a p.e.n.i.s but Roy Rabbit doesn't have one, even though he's a boy bunny?"

"Yes, I know."

"I told you, right?"

"About a hundred times."

Fern said, "I flew one time when I was little, all the way to Birmingham, where my grandma lived. I got to sit on her hospital bed. Then she died. I didn't see her dead. Only sleeping." She was quiet for a minute, then she popped back up. "Do you know this song?"

She twisted her hands upside down, making goggles for her eyes with her thumb and second finger. She started to sing.

Into the air, Junior Birdman Into the air upside down Into the air, Junior Birdman Keep your noses off the ground.

"Where'd you learn that?" Miri asked.

"Natalie learned it at summer camp and taught it to me."

By the time Miri figured out how to make the mask with her hands, the plane was on the move, picking up speed. Faster, faster, faster, until they were airborne. Into the air, Junior Birdman. They were flying. She was flying. She thought it would feel different, more like the ride at the amus.e.m.e.nt park that pins you against the wall with centrifugal force. That ride was both thrilling and terrifying but so was this one. Once they'd leveled off she pretended she was on a train, except when she looked out the window all she saw was sky with a bank of fluffy clouds under the plane. Somewhere there's heaven, she sang to herself. Because if there was a heaven, wouldn't this be it? Separated from earth by white fluffy clouds. She half expected to see angels wearing flowing white gowns playing harps. She half expected to see Penny, tapping on the window of the plane to get her attention. If only she believed in heaven.

"What?" Fern asked.

"Nothing. I was just singing to myself."

"What song?"

"Just some song I know."

"Teach it to me."

Somewhere there's music How faint the tune Somewhere there's heaven How high the moon "How high is the moon?"

"Pretty high."

"How do you know you can hear music there?"

"Because you can always hear music."

"That's good. Isn't that good?"

"Yes, it's very good."

- IT WAS a long trip. First they landed in Chicago, where they changed planes. Between Chicago and Los Angeles a fancy lunch was served on a tray. Miri couldn't imagine how they managed to cook steak and French fries on a plane. The Parker House roll came with a pat of b.u.t.ter stamped TWA. She had never seen such tiny salt and pepper shakers. She thought about sneaking them into her bag but didn't want to set a bad example for Fern. For dessert there was ice cream with a chocolate chip cookie.

After lunch the stewardess handed out decks of cards. Miri and Fern played War until Fern's eyes closed. Miri covered her with a blanket and smoothed her hair away from her face. She was reminded of babysitting Penny and Betsy. But thinking of them made her too sad. She tried to read-Rusty had given her a copy of The Member of the Wedding, about a girl called Frankie who felt she didn't belong anywhere in the world. She wasn't sure if Rusty thought it would appeal to her because they were setting out for the unknown, because Rusty was marrying Dr. O or just because it was a good book. But she couldn't concentrate. She caught herself drifting off and shook her sleepiness away. She would not allow herself to sleep while she was flying, though when she'd gone to the restroom she'd pa.s.sed Rusty and Dr. O, both dozing, and Irene and Ben, both asleep with their mouths partly open.

Before they landed in Los Angeles, the stewardess suggested they reset their watches to Pacific Time, which was three hours earlier than in New Jersey. They changed to a smaller plane for the short flight to Las Vegas. The stewardess handed out copies of the Las Vegas Sun as they boarded. Miri took one, and as soon as she was seated with her seat belt fastened, she thumbed through it. She stopped when she came to an intriguing headline: Las Vegas Sun

MCCARTHY LOSES FACE IN VERBAL FIRE.

JUNE 30-What was perhaps the most drama-packed and best-attended political meeting ever held in Nevada broke up in a scene of bedlam last night at War Memorial hall after the audience had listened to Sen. Joseph McCarthy of Wisconsin, who had purportedly come here to speak on behalf of Sen. George W. Malone, now seeking re-election.

McCarthy in his typical wild swinging fashion, with no regard for facts but with a hold on his audience that is frightening, called Sun publisher Hank Greenspun "an ex-convict" and "an admitted Communist, publisher of the Las Vegas 'Daily Worker.'"

Women shuddered and strong men controlled their emotions with difficulty as the attacks continued. They had never heard such disgraceful language in Nevada.

Cheers rang out when Greenspun responded and challenged the Wisconsin Senator to debate these "vicious lies." But McCarthy turned and ran like a scared rabbit.

- TOO BAD Miri couldn't share that story with Eleanor. They could taunt Donny Kellen about his hero, McCarthy, except they'd heard Donny had been shipped off to military school. And who knew the next time she'd see Eleanor? Still, she liked knowing this was the newspaper Dr. O would probably bring home every day, or maybe it would be delivered to their house. It made life in Las Vegas seem real. They had a newspaper and the publisher's name was Hank, short for Henry. A good omen.

When Fern squealed, "Here come the b.u.mps! Daddy-it's the b.u.mps!" Dr. O turned in his seat to look back at Fern, to smile at her, to pat her leg.

The smooth air had turned choppy on the final descent into Las Vegas. Miri didn't like it. It wasn't like riding a bucking bronco. Not that she'd ever been on a bucking bronco but she'd seen them in cowboy movies. These b.u.mps were unpredictable. The stewardess told them to keep their seat belts fastened until they'd landed.

Rusty turned to Miri. "How're you doing, honey?"

"I'm fine." A lie. She was so terrified she dug her fingernails into the fabric of her seat cushion. "How about you?"

"Good." But Rusty didn't look good. She was pale, with beads of sweat on her forehead and upper lip.

As they came lower and lower in their descent, the scene out the window looked to Miri like a moonscape, or how she imagined a moonscape would look. Sandy and flat with tall, dark mountains rising out of nowhere.

Lower and lower out of the wild blue yonder, lower and lower until the wheels. .h.i.t the ground with a thud and the pilot reversed the engines, making a grinding noise. The captain spoke to them over the loudspeaker. "Welcome to McCarran Field, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy your stay in Las Vegas. We hope you'll join us again."

She'd survived the trip. Even if she never flew again, which she was sure she wouldn't, at least she'd gone up into the wild blue yonder three times. At least she'd done that.

The pa.s.sengers applauded as if they'd been watching a show. They were all yakking, thrilled to have landed at McCarran Field or maybe thrilled just to have landed. When they were told they were free to unbuckle their seat belts, Fern jumped into Dr. O's arms. Rusty, still looking unwell, draped an arm over Miri's shoulder. "We made it."

Yes, they'd made it, but this was just the beginning.

Las Vegas Sun

A-BOMB BLAST THRILLS.

JULY 5-Thousands of holiday tourists on the Las Vegas strip celebrated dawn with the sight of an atomic flash at the Yucca Flat test site 78 miles away. The mushroom cloud was clearly seen, but there was disappointment at the slight shock.

A thousand soldiers, positioned in foxholes only 7,000 yards away from the blast, surged forward minutes after the explosion in a simulated attack to encircle and capture the devastated area.

"There were no casualties," the Army announced.

35.

Miri and Natalie Natalie came to visit after camp, just before school started. "Don't get the wrong idea," she said to Miri. "I'm curious, that's all. I still hate them."

"What about me?"

"I don't know about you. Maybe yes, maybe no."

By then they were living in a furnished stucco ranch house east of the city in a neighborhood of other ranch houses called Rancho Circle. They were all ugly and looked the same. The three girls shared a room. Irene and Ben rented an identical house across the street. Their furniture and boxes of stuff were in storage while Rusty and Dr. O looked for a permanent place. Miri hoped it would be better than this one.

Irene kept Natalie busy, kept her away from Rusty, who was pregnant but not yet showing and suffering from morning sickness that sometimes lasted all day. It disgusted Natalie to learn Rusty was pregnant. "So, you're not going to be the only child anymore," she said to Miri.

"So?" Miri was equally shocked to learn Rusty was pregnant, but she wasn't going to admit it to Natalie.

"So, you won't be the center of attention anymore," Natalie told her.

"I've never been the center of attention." But the truth was, it had occurred to Miri that she would have to share Rusty's love once there was a new baby. And maybe Irene's, too.

"I hope you like dirty diapers," Natalie said, "because they're going to expect you to be the babysitter."

"I like babies." She'd never lived with a baby, had never wished for a sibling, like some only children.

"I'm just warning you."

"Thanks for the warning."

"You have to admit it's embarra.s.sing that she's pregnant at thirty-three. And he's eleven years older. I feel sorry for their baby. Think of it-when the baby is our age your mother will be almost fifty and my father will be sixty. They'll be more like grandparents than parents."

But Miri didn't want to think about that.

Some mornings Natalie and Fern rode horses together, and Miri would go along to watch. Dr. O drove them to a ranch twenty miles out of town. Fern named her horse Trigger-no surprise there. Dr. O encouraged Natalie to name a horse, too. Natalie refused, saying he was just trying to buy her love, and her love wasn't for sale.

Miri knew from Dr. O that Steve had enlisted in the army the day after high school graduation. Natalie said it was her father's fault. If her parents had stayed together Steve would be going off to Lehigh with Phil Stein. Now Steve would probably be sent to Ko-f.u.c.king-rea. Miri had never heard Natalie use such language.

n.o.body cared what Natalie did or didn't eat. She developed a taste for the whites of hard-boiled eggs dipped in salt water, like at a Seder, and on some days ate that three times a day. Dr. O was more concerned about Rusty's constant nausea. The doctor a.s.sured them the nausea was a good sign, a sign that it was a strong pregnancy. Eat whatever you can keep down.