It was possible that the one thing I most valued was the one thing I couldn't have.

CHAPTER 13.

I stayed awake till it was light, then replaced my amulet in its hidey-hole in the wall. I traced a quick sigil for invisibility over the molding, not that anyone would look at the floor molding behind my bed. Several weeks ago, I'd had the insight that I wanted to claim my heritage as my mother's daughter, my father's heir. Somehow I had missed the inescapable inevitability that I would reveal myself to be just as dark as they had been.

I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, as if I were glowing with the plague and everyone would be able to see it. People were laughing in the dining room as they set up for breakfast. I didn't want to be around people. G.o.ddess knew I didn't want to be in the barn or the chicken coop. Going to a cla.s.s this morning would be awful, and what would happen the next time I made magick was anyone's guess.

I just needed- I had no idea what I needed. But I had to move, had to do something. Fortunately my hair-trigger impulsiveness was still part of the Nasty mosaic, and it told me to put down the broom, grab my keys and my coat, and slog through the snow to my little car. Which I did, immediately, feeling a sense of relief at the thought of escaping these undark people, this undark house. I desperately needed to be somewhere else, doing something else, not talking to anyone.

Ice on windshield, hard-to-start engine in frigid weather-here's a time when some magick would come in handy, you know? Did I know any useful spells? Why no, I sure didn't. But go on, ask me the Latin name of, like, foxglove. Digitalis purpurea. You're welcome.

c.r.a.p! My car skidded all the way down the long unpaved driveway until I reached the secondary road, which, thank G.o.d, had been plowed. From there it was another couple miles to the also-plowed main road that led to town.

Yeah, because the town held so much for me, right? There was the combo Chinese food/falafel joint, the abandoned buildings, the place I had been fired from twice.... There was one yucky bar, one grocery store, one rundown Laundromat. Main Street was four blocks long. I've been to museums bigger than four blocks long.

But where else would I go? I'd taken a few steps forward and fifty steps back. My stomach rumbled and clenched, and I remembered I hadn't eaten anything yet. I drove past MacIntyre's Drugs and of course couldn't resist looking in. The store was lit, the OPEN sign was up, but I saw no one except a woman standing at the empty front counter, looking around as if hoping someone would come help her.

I bet Old Mac was sorry he'd fired me now.

Main Street petered out, and a quarter mile down the road I was back to empty lots, the occasional small house, an eas.e.m.e.nt for the big electrical lines.

I turned around with a sigh. Maybe I would go get something from Pitson's, the one grocery store, and then return to River's Edge. It was barely eight in the morning-what else was I going to do? As I drove past MacIntyre's Drugs again, I saw the woman leaving the store, her hands empty. No one had waited on her. Hadn't she called to Old Mac? He should have been back in the pharmacy.

I rolled forward and, without even really meaning to, came to a gradual stop at the curb.

I sat there for a minute, not thinking, not doing anything, tapping my fingers on the steering wheel. Then I got out of the car, locked it, and walked to the drugstore. The bell over the door jingled with a deceptively cheerful sound, as if trying to make me believe I wasn't entering my personal h.e.l.l. I looked down each aisle but didn't see Old Mac. Tentatively I walked to the back. The pharmacy door, always kept locked, was open, a ring of keys still in its lock. The light was on, but Old Mac wasn't there. I'd never seen that.

I locked the pharmacy door and pocketed the keys. Old Mac wasn't in the supply closet on the store's back porch, but footprints in the fresh snow led to the small storage building by the side fence. The door was open, and I crept up, afraid of what I would find. I'm so totally not the hero type, but I could call 911 with the best of 'em.

Then I saw him. He was standing inside the shed, leaning his head against a cardboard box on a shelf. He was muttering to himself. Was he praying? Had he gone crazy? I mean, crazier? This was not good. I decided to give him a couple minutes, see if he snapped out of it. I retraced my steps back to the store. I'd lost many people in my life, of course. I'd lost a son myself. The son that Reyn had found, that time, so long ago. It really had been a long time ago-I'd lived many lifetimes since then. And yet when I closed my eyes, I could still smell my son's babyfresh scent, still hear his laugh that always made me laugh, too....

It had been in Norway. I was married. My husband was awful and I hated him, but back then young women didn't live on their own. My son had been a miracle. He'd been fat and cuddly, his perfect health a shining contrast to the high infant mortality rate back then. His hair was thick and fair, and his eyes were the blue of a crisp spring sky. I'd called him Bjrn, which means "bear," because he was like a little bear cub. He made everything worthwhile: my husband, our poverty, how hard everything was. I used to put him in a woven basket and carry him around with me as I hung laundry out, milked the goats, picked blackberries.

Bear's gurgling laugh, the way he played with his toes-everything was fine then, in my world. We were so poor-my husband drank up the few coins I earned by selling eggs and goat's milk, and cow's-milk b.u.t.ter in the summer. When he was sober, he farmed unenthusiastically, borrowing our neighbor's ox to break up the hard, stony ground. Each year our anemic crops of barley and oats got smaller and smaller. He could have earned more by trapping animals and selling the skins, but that would have involved actual effort.

Still, I was happy with my lovely Bear, and it was mostly me and him, day in, day out, in our rough house with the thatched roof.

Then the raiders came. One of Reyn's men had buried an axe in my husband's head. I found him just outside the empty pens, where my goats and one milk cow had been. The Butcher of Winter had taken every animal in our village, every store of grain and ale, almost every wheel of cheese. The pathetic store of money I'd managed to hide from my husband was worthless, for there was nothing to buy within ten leagues.

It had been horrible, the way my husband had died, but also a relief. I was glad to be a widow, for it to be just me and Bear. Then Truda, a local girl orphaned that day, came to my door with nowhere else to go. Having escaped from being forced into wh.o.r.edom or slavery, she was thrilled to come live with us and be my helper. G.o.d knows she worked harder than my husband ever did. My life was good.

Bear had gone on to become a bright, st.u.r.dy toddler, always laughing, getting into everything. I managed to raise a small crop of oats, and we ate them as porridge and bread and ale. Then a flu epidemic swept through the town. The starvation that the winter raiders had caused had weakened everyone, and many people died. Truda had died, at thirteen years old. And Bear had died, even though half-immortals are often able to fight off illness. I would have gladly given my worthless immortality to him, gladly died in his place. Instead I bathed his hot little body, tried to get him to drink water. Anyway. He had died. I'd never had another child after that. Would never go through that again.

"Oh, there you are." The voice startled me, and I realized I'd been standing just inside the door, lost in my thoughts. I took a shaky breath and wiped my hand across my face. A woman was waiting by the pharmacy counter. She was a regular-Meriwether had called her Mrs. Philpott.

"Oh-" My mouth opened to explain that I didn't work here anymore, but Mrs. Philpott said, "I'm glad to see you-I'm in a bit of a hurry. I'm on the way to the airport, and I realized this morning that I needed to pick up my prescription. I'll run out before we get back."

"Um-Mr. MacIntyre is... unavailable right now," I said. "Maybe in five minutes?"

Mrs. Philpott looked concerned. "I'm so sorry. I don't have five minutes," she said firmly but not rudely. "I've got Eddie's cab waiting."

She pointed out the window and I could see the local burgundy-colored taxi, its lights on.

"Okay, let me check." I went out back again, hoping to see Old Mac storming toward the store. But he was still in the shed, his head against the cardboard box, and now it looked like he was crying.

"He's still unavailable," I said. "Maybe you could get your prescription refilled where you go?"

"I can see my bag right there." Mrs. Philpott pointed to the rack behind the counter. She still wasn't being rude, which was amazing, but she had a determined no-nonsense quality that probably defeated most people. I could feel myself crumbling.

"I'm not allowed back there."

"It's for tamoxifen," said Mrs. Philpott. "I need it right now, and you're going to get it for me even if you have to climb over the counter."

Tamoxifen was a cancer drug. I'd read about it ages ago in a Reader's Digest in the waiting room of my favorite mani-pedi place in New York. Mrs. Philpott's steady gaze punched holes in my resistance.

I took the keys out of my pocket, unlocked the door, and prayed that Old Mac would continue to have his breakdown for another seven minutes or so. I zipped into the pharmacy area, s.n.a.t.c.hed up the bag, and handed it over, along with the required sign-in sheet saying she had picked up her prescription.

"And it says your insurance has covered this," I told her, glancing at the label.

"d.a.m.n straight," Mrs. Philpott said, signing her name.

I grinned, and she straightened and grinned back.

"Thank you very mu-"

"What the h.e.l.l are you doing?" Old Mac yanked the door open and thundered into the pharmacy area, which was way too small for the two of us together.

Great. He had to get a grip on his sanity right now. He would have me arrested for sure.

"Now, James, quit yelling," said Mrs. Philpott briskly. She stuck the small paper bag in her purse. "I practically held a gun to her head to make her give it to me. She told me she wasn't allowed back there."

"She isn't!" Old Mac roared, in fine form once again. "I'm calling the police! This is illegal!"

Mrs. Philpott slammed her hand down on the counter, making both of us jump. The steely reserve she'd only hinted at with me came out in full force. "Jamie MacIntyre," she said in a low, controlled voice, "I've known you since high school, and you don't scare me. I made her get my prescription for me. You are not going to do anything to her. Now quit being a b.u.t.thead. You hear me?"

Old Mac stood there, nothing to say. I tried to radiate innocence and helpfulness as I sidled out behind him and slipped into the store area.

"Is that a yes?" Mrs. Philpott said. Outside, the taxi driver honked his horn, and I winced. I never wanted to ride in a taxi again.

"Yes," Old Mac finally ground out, totally hating this.

"Good. Bye. See you when I get back." She turned and strode toward the door, flashing me a final smile. I smiled back.

After she'd left, I decided to take off before he did call the cops. I took one last look at him. He seemed pathetic, deflated, standing behind the counter in an empty store. For one second I wanted to say something. But he'd probably just roar at me again, and then call the cops.

So I just turned and left him standing there. Outside the cold wind whipped my breath away. Time to go back to River's Edge. I had no idea what purpose my little jaunt had served, except it had gotten me away from there for a while.

I started my car and used the wipers to get snow off the windshield. I felt terrible, as if there was a grim winter day inside me as well as outside. Why had I thought about Bear? I had trained myself not to. It was more than four centuries ago, Nas. Move on.

I headed down Main Street, and to make my morning just a little bit brighter, saw Dray. She looked freezing, wearing a short jacket with cheap, fuzzy fur around the face. I waved and she blinked at me. No other cars around meant I could do a U-turn right here, and I did, swinging the small car around with no problem.

Dray was gone. I looked up and down the street. There was nowhere she could have disappeared to-except down a narrow alley between two buildings. To get away from me.

I had FAIL stamped on my forehead, stamped on my life.

I was amazed to see it was still only a bit after nine o'clock. I'd been missed by now, of course. I turned off the main road onto the secondary road and soon saw the leafless maple tree that stood at the entrance of the driveway to River's Edge. And... as soon as my car was on River's land, I felt weird.

Today, with the snow and ice, I went even more slowly than usual, remembering how I had slid around earlier. But it wasn't the road conditions that were bothering me. I felt... dread. A feeling of dread. Not for anything real. My heart fluttered; I felt anxious-to where I actually turned and looked all around, as if a gang was chasing me, about to attack the car.

It was stupid. It was just my stupid emotions, getting the better of me. I was still fired; Dray still hated me. I'd tried to help today and almost had the cops called on me. I'd thought about Bear. Everything was going wrong. Everything hurt; everything was painful.

I was working myself up into a lather of pointless despair when I realized that the car wasn't responding. I had tapped on the brakes to crawl around a turn, but nothing happened. I pressed the brake pedal more firmly, ready to start skidding. Nothing. I'd sped up a bit during my internal rant, and now really needed to slow down. I was coming up to the last turn before the driveway broadened into the crushed-rock parking area.

It was like holding the reins of an out-of-control horse. Gripping the steering wheel, I smashed my foot down on the brake pedal, and nothing happened. Jeezum-this was bad. I needed to stop! I grabbed the parking brake and yanked up on it. It did nothing!

Was my darkness overtaking even this machine? Now I was hurtling right toward River's old red farm truck-I was going to cream it.

What to do, what to do? Then the steering wheel turned by itself. I felt it spinning in my hands even as I tried to haul it the other way. And there it was, the enormous oak. Getting bigger, bigger, so fast...

"Is anything broken?" The voice seemed to come from far away. Maybe underwater.

"I don't know yet. Let's turn the engine off."

Solis's voice. And Lorenz's.

I didn't want to open my eyes, just wanted to go back to sleep, but my nose was clogged and my mouth was full of blood. I blinked blearily as strong hands unfolded me from the car.

"What happened?" That voice was Reyn's. Did he sound upset?

"We don't know," said Solis. "I saw her tear into the yard too fast, and then she aimed right for that tree."

I did not, I thought as someone swung my legs out of the car and onto the snowy ground. I bent over and spit out blood. Even with my hazy vision, the bright red was shocking against the white.

"Nastasya, what happened?" Solis knelt in the snow and tipped my chin up.

"The engine won't turn off," said Lorenz. I heard the keys jingling. "The keys are out, but the engine is on."

My nose was bleeding, and I wiped it away before it dripped into my mouth again. I know-ew.

Since I was leaning over anyway, I scooped up a handful of snow and put it in my mouth. It felt lovely, and I tried to figure out how to put my whole head into a pile of snow. I heard the car's hood open.

"Solis," said Reyn. His voice was odd. "I took off the battery cables. The engine's still on."

Solis's hand stilled where it was feeling my arm, checking for broken bones. "That's not car failure," he said. "That's magick. Dark magick."

"I'll go get River," said Lorenz, and I heard him running to the house.

I blinked again. I couldn't breathe through my nose.

"Can you stand up?" Solis asked. "I want to get you away from this car."

I nodded, which hurt, and slowly stood. Solis quickly ran his hands down both legs impersonally, as if he were checking a lame horse. Since my knees didn't buckle, I a.s.sumed I was okay. Again he tilted my chin up and looked at my face.

"Your nose is broken," he said. I saw River running toward us, her face showing concern.

"The car is spelled," Solis told her shortly. "Can you stop it?"

River nodded quickly and moved past us. I heard Reyn say something to her but couldn't make it out.

"So what happened?" Solis asked.

"I don't know," I said, but because of all the gore it came out "Ah dun oh." I spit more blood out onto the snow (gross). "Ah wash drahvin an de cah wooden thtop."

"Okay. Let's get you fixed up." He helped me up to the front porch.

Inside, Solis took me upstairs to my room. I had just gotten my coat off when Anne hurried in, holding a basin, some rags, and a first-aid kit. And, of course, a mug of steaming tea, because you couldn't sneeze around here without someone rushing over with a mug of tea. Arm get cut off? Have some tea. Legacy of darkness slowly destroying every facet of your life? Tea.

"Her nose is broken," Solis told her.

"Oh, c.r.a.p," Anne said. "Anything else? Ribs? Teeth?"

"Everything else seems okay."

"Let's get this scarf off-it's covered with blood."

"No! Ah mean-ah take ih off ater." My hands clutched it.

"Drink this. Wash the blood out of your mouth." Anne pushed the mug at me. My hands were trembling, but I managed to hold it. The warmth did feel good, and it did wash away most of the taste of blood. Dammit. Right again.

"Okay," Anne said, taking the mug from me. "Lie down."

I did. Very gently she swabbed at my face with a warm rag. I smelled calendula and elder leaves in the warm water.

"You're going to have two black eyes," Anne said. "And just as your library black eye had healed. The air bag must have gone off. That's what broke your nose."

"Ah don wamembah."

"Well, you're starting to puff up. Let's fix your nose before it gets any worse."

Before I had time to tense up or realize what she was doing, she pressed her fingers firmly on each side of my nose.

"Yow yow yow nooo!" I yelped, then heard a loud clicking sound as new pain exploded in my nose. My back arched and my hands flew in the air. "Oh, Jethus! Cwap! Dammit!"