"Excuse me. I stand corrected. But how did you know they were having problems? " "

"Because she used to tell me. I was her best friend. She was thinking about getting a divorce. Nobody got divorces back then, but she was about getting a divorce. Nobody got divorces back then, but she was thinking about it. thinking about it. " "

"No, she wasn't," I said.

"No? Could she, perhaps, have been confiding in your brother about such things and you were possibly unaware? Is it possible that-"

"No."

"No?"

"She started going to see the priest for help. Then he started going, too.

Then he decided to turn Catholic. " "

"This is true, Dominick?" the doc asked . . "He converted?" "He converted?"

"Yes."

276 276.

"How old were you and your brother at the time, please?"

"Nine, maybe? Ten? I doubt very much that she was confiding in him about-"

"That's when he started going to Mass every morning. After work.

He worked third shift, and he'd get off and go right to early Mass. He was buddy-buddy with the priests. He used to do all their yard work free of buddy-buddy with the priests. He used to do all their yard work free of charge. Change the oil in their cars. . . . As if acting like their slave was charge. Change the oil in their cars. . . . As if acting like their slave was going to get him into Heaven. As if THAT was going to erase the way he going to get him into Heaven. As if THAT was going to erase the way he treated us. He used to make Dominick and me shovel snow over at the treated us. He used to make Dominick and me shovel snow over at the rectory and the convent and we could never take any money for it. One rectory and the convent and we could never take any money for it. One time, the nuns gave us a box of ribbon candy-my brother and me-and time, the nuns gave us a box of ribbon candy-my brother and me-and when we got home, Ray made us turn right around and go down to the when we got home, Ray made us turn right around and go down to the convent and give it back to them. convent and give it back to them. " "

"That is accurate, Dominick?" Dr. Patel asked.

I nodded. Closed my eyes. "Neither of us even liked liked ribbon candy. You'd think that by this time, the statute of limitations-" ribbon candy. You'd think that by this time, the statute of limitations-"

"It was my favorite kind of candy, too. Ribbon candy. . . . You know what it was? Why he had it in for me? Because it began to dawn on him what it was? Why he had it in for me? Because it began to dawn on him that it was that it was me me God had chosen. Not God had chosen. Not him him . Not Mr. Mass Every Day. It . Not Mr. Mass Every Day. It made him nervous, too: that the one person he had picked on all his life made him nervous, too: that the one person he had picked on all his life was a prophet of the Lord Jesus Christ. was a prophet of the Lord Jesus Christ. " "

"Did that make him jealous? Knowing that you had been singled out by God for something special? by God for something special? " "

"Extremely jealous. The thing he doesn't realize-that nobody realizes-is that it's a terrible burden. jealous. The thing he doesn't realize-that nobody realizes-is that it's a terrible burden. " "

"What is, Mr. Birdsey? Would you explain what the burden is? " "

"Knowing! Seeing things! " "

"Seeing what, Mr. Birdsey? " "

"What God wants. And what He doesn't want. " Deep sigh " Deep sigh . . " "He doesn't WANT us to go to war against Iraq. He wants us to love one doesn't WANT us to go to war against Iraq. He wants us to love one other. To honor HIM, not the almighty dollar. This country, right from other. To honor HIM, not the almighty dollar. This country, right from the very beginning, has . . . Look at our the very beginning, has . . . Look at our history history ! Look at Wounded Knee! ! Look at Wounded Knee!

Look at slavery! " He began to sob. " " He began to sob. "He wants me to lead the way. To show people that their greed is . . . But how am I supposed to do that show people that their greed is . . . But how am I supposed to do that when they've got me under house arrest? when they've got me under house arrest? " "

277 277.

"When who who has you under house arrest, Mr. Birdsey? has you under house arrest, Mr. Birdsey? " "

"I just want to wake people up up ! That's all. I'm just trying to do God's ! That's all. I'm just trying to do God's bidding. That's why I did bidding. That's why I did this this . . " "

"Did what?" I said. "What's he talking about there?"

Dr. Patel tapped a finger against her wrist.

"But nobody understands that it was a sacrifice sacrifice . Not even Dominick. . Not even Dominick.

He says he understands, but he doesn't. He's so mad at me. " "

"I've talked to your brother several times now, Mr. Birdsey. He's concerned about you, but he's not angry. " "

"Then why hasn't he come to visit me? " "

I closed my eyes, as if not seeing the tape recorder in front of me would make his voice go away.

"You don't remember? He can't visit you until his security clearance comes through. It's a policy here. Your brother wants very much to see you, comes through. It's a policy here. Your brother wants very much to see you, and he will as soon as he can. and he will as soon as he can. " "

"Oh. " "

"You remember now? " "

"I forgot. " "

"Mr. Birdsey? " "

"What? " "

"Did your stepfather ever abuse you in other ways? " "

Long pause . . " "Yes. " "

"Would you tell me about that, please? " "

Deep sigh . . " "One time he made me walk on glass. " "

"Yes? Continue, please. " "

"He broke glass all over the floor-the kitchen floor-and then he made me walk across the room. I had to get stitches. Had to walk on made me walk across the room. I had to get stitches. Had to walk on crutches. You should have seen the bottoms of my feet. crutches. You should have seen the bottoms of my feet. " "

I held my hand up for her to stop the tape. "That was an accident, accident, " I said. "I remember the exact time he's talking about. Ray had one of his little temper tantrums and he threw a jar on the floor-a canning jar-and then later on Thomas accidentally stepped on one of the pieces and cut his foot. But it was an " I said. "I remember the exact time he's talking about. Ray had one of his little temper tantrums and he threw a jar on the floor-a canning jar-and then later on Thomas accidentally stepped on one of the pieces and cut his foot. But it was an accident accident!"

"I see. How often did Ray have these 'temper tantrums'?"

"What? I don't know. Not that often. But don't you see how he's 278 278.

twisting it around? Thomas? Same as the sled thing. He's taking these accidents accidents and-" and-"

"You sound protective, Dominick. Do you feel protective of your stepfather?"

"No!"

"Of your family's privacy then?"

"I'm not 'protective' of anything. I'm just saying that Ray didn't bust glass all over the floor and then say, 'Okay, Thomas! Walk on this because you're Jesus' right-hand man.' I thought you wanted wanted my insight. I thought that's what this was all about." my insight. I thought that's what this was all about."

"It is."

"Then what are you accusing me for?"

"Accusing you?"

"Or . . . psychoanalyzing me me or whatever. or whatever. I'm I'm not the patient." not the patient."

"He used to open up my closet and urinate all over my clothes. My shoes, too. He was always doing that-pissing into my shoes. . . . Nobody else too. He was always doing that-pissing into my shoes. . . . Nobody else knew about it. He said he'd kill me if I told anyone. knew about it. He said he'd kill me if I told anyone. " "

"Mr. Birdsey, why did your stepfather urinate on your clothes? " "

A pause. "That was nothing. That was the least of it. " "

"He did worse things? " "

"Much, much worse. " "

"What did he do that was worse? " "

"He used to tie me up and then stick things up my rear end. " "

"Jesus! Why . . . why are you dignifying dignifying this? If Ray knew he was saying stuff like this, he'd-" this? If Ray knew he was saying stuff like this, he'd-"

"What kind of things, Mr. Birdsey? " "

"Sharp things. Pencils. Screwdrivers. One time he took the handle of a carving knife and- carving knife and-"

"All right, stop it! Stop that goddamned thing! I can't-just stop stop it!" I lurched forward and stopped the fucker myself. it!" I lurched forward and stopped the fucker myself.

We both sat there, waiting for my breathing to calm down.

"Dominick?"

"What? " "

"What your brother said has upset you very much. Hasn't it?"

279 279.

I laughed. "Oh, hell, no. Let's see now. My mother used to get raped and we sat around and watched. Ray used to stick screwdrivers up his butt. This is real easy to listen to, Doc. Piece of cake."

"Tell me what you're feeling right now."

I turned and faced her. "What the fuck difference does it make what I'm I'm feeling? I'm not the one having these sick, perverted-" feeling? I'm not the one having these sick, perverted-"

"You seem angry. Are you angry, Dominick?"

"Am I ANGRY ANGRY ? Yeah, you could say that. I'm fucking ? Yeah, you could say that. I'm fucking FURIOUS, FURIOUS, okay?" okay?"

"Why?"

I could feel myself letting go into the rush of it-passing the point of no return. That's the one thing I understood about Ray: that sometimes rage could feel as good as sex. Could be as welcome a release.

"Why am I ANGRY ANGRY? I'll tell you why I'm ANGRY, ANGRY, okay? Because right now I should be over on Gillette Street finishing a paint job I should have finished three okay? Because right now I should be over on Gillette Street finishing a paint job I should have finished three fucking fucking weeks ago. But where am I? I'm in a weeks ago. But where am I? I'm in a fucking fucking maximum-security nuthouse listening to my maximum-security nuthouse listening to my fucking fucked-up fucking fucked-up brother talk about . . . about . . . and she says to me, 'Why don't you ever stop thinking about him and think about me, Dominick? Put brother talk about . . . about . . . and she says to me, 'Why don't you ever stop thinking about him and think about me, Dominick? Put me me first instead of your brother.' . . . Jesus fucking Christ! When is this shit going to-" first instead of your brother.' . . . Jesus fucking Christ! When is this shit going to-"

"Dominick? Who is 'she,' please?"

"Joy! My girlfriend! I've been carrying him on my shoulders my whole fucking fucking life and she goes, 'Why don't you ever take care of me?' Well, I'll life and she goes, 'Why don't you ever take care of me?' Well, I'll tell tell you why! I-" you why! I-"

"Dominick, please lower your voice. It's very good for you to let out this anger, but why don't you sit down and take a few deep breaths?"

"Why? What are deep breaths going to do? Make him less crazy? Make his fucking hand grow back?"

"It would just make you calm down a little and-"

"I don't want want to calm down! You asked me why I'm angry and now I'm telling you! Do you know what it's to calm down! You asked me why I'm angry and now I'm telling you! Do you know what it's LIKE LIKE? Do you have any IDEA IDEA? I'm fucking forty years old and I'm still-"

280 280.

"Dominick, if you don't lower your voice a little, the security staff will-"

"Other people go to the library and get BOOKS, BOOKS, right? Check out right? Check out BOOKS. BOOKS. But not But not my STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE BROTHER my STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE BROTHER!

Not HIM HIM! He goes to the library and cuts his fucking hand off for Jesus! And you want to know something? I got fucking CONNIE CONNIE CHUNG calling me up! I got some stupid bloodsucker from New York wants to be his fucking calling me up! I got some stupid bloodsucker from New York wants to be his fucking BOOKING BOOKING agent! And I can't-" agent! And I can't-"

"Dominick?"

"You want to know what it's like for me? Do Do you? It's like . . . it's like . . . my brother has been an anchor on me my whole life. Pulling me down. Even you? It's like . . . it's like . . . my brother has been an anchor on me my whole life. Pulling me down. Even before before he got sick. Even he got sick. Even before before he goes and he goes and loses loses it in front of . . . An it in front of . . . An anchor anchor! . . . And you know what I get? I get just enough rope to break the surface. To breathe. But I am never, ever ever going to. going to.

. . . You know what I used to think? I used to think that eventually-you know, sooner or later-I was going to get away from him. Cut the cord, you know? But here I am, forty years old and I'm still down at the nuthouse, running interference for my fucking . . . Treading water. It's like . . . like . . . And I hate hate him sometimes. I do. I'll admit it. I really hate him. But you know something? Here's the him sometimes. I do. I'll admit it. I really hate him. But you know something? Here's the really really fucked-up part. fucked-up part.

Nobody else else better say anything-nobody better say anything-nobody else else better even look at him cross-eyed or I'll . . . And the thing is, I think I finally better even look at him cross-eyed or I'll . . . And the thing is, I think I finally get get it, you know? it, you know?

I finally get get it." it."

"Get what, Dominick?"

"That he's my curse. curse. My My anchor. anchor. That I'm just going to tread water for the rest of my whole life. That he That I'm just going to tread water for the rest of my whole life. That he is is my whole life! My fucking, fucked-up brother. I'm just going to tread water, just breathe . . . and that's it. I'm my whole life! My fucking, fucked-up brother. I'm just going to tread water, just breathe . . . and that's it. I'm never never going to get away from him! going to get away from him!