"Pain's gone?"

"For the most part."

"s.h.i.t, that's great. We need you, man. I mean Steve is good, but he's not you."

"True dat," Jax says.

"Hey, little lady," Brian says to the waitress, whose name I believe is Tabitha. "You my server tonight?" he asks, dipping his eyebrows up and down.

"Not if you talk to me that way. We reserve the right to refuse service. You may just find your ugly a.s.s out on the street tonight."

"Ooh, Bri, she called your fat a.s.s out," someone at the table says, while the rest of us bust out screaming in laughter.

I look at Jax. "Didn't she take your orders already?"

"Not Brian. He just sat down."

"Right." I forgot.

"Hey...Holly's friend, right?" the waitress says to me.

"Yeah. Tabitha, right?"

"Yup. Been a while since you've been here."

"Ah...so the b.i.t.c.h is the chick," Adam says, referring to why I suggested Donny's.

I ignore him, keeping my attention on Tabitha. "Yeah, took the semester off. But I'm back in January...for school. I'm back now for baseball."

"Cool. It'll be nice seeing your cute face in here again."

Tabitha walks away, and the whole table starts on me about her.

"I'm tellin' you. She's not the reason. I like it here. The bartender's my friend and that's all."

"Yeah right." No one believes me, but they drop it and our conversation throughout the night is generic.

Many burgers and beers later, the bar signals last call, and the guys decide to call it a night.

"You comin', Falco?" Jax asks.

"No. I'm gonna catch a ride with Holly."

"So it is the bartender," Jax jokes.

"It's not the bartender. I'll catch you later."

"So what's going on, Ben? What do you mean Rose may not like you? Did you tell her you like her? She might not realize it."

"She knows. I don't know. I'm getting mixed signals."

Holly moves to the sink to wash gla.s.ses, so I slide down the bar.

"She may not be ready for a...to date," I say. "Maybe I should back off for a while."

She raises her eyebrows at me, but continues washing. "Maybe. I feel bad I only texted her once this week. With school and work, it's been crazy, so I don't even know what she's thinking these days."

I just sit there thinking instead of responding.

"I can talk to her if you want," Holly suggests.

"No. We're not in high school."

"Eh...college kids need reinforcements too."

"What?"

"Nothing. I can be indirect about it if I talk to her."

"No. I'll deal with it. I'm gonna be busy now with ball, so...we'll see how tomorrow goes and I'll take it from there."

Holly moves on to drying the gla.s.ses. "You're seeing her tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Made the date last week, but..."

"Then she likes you."

"Ya think?"

"Rose is sweet, but she's not a pushover. She does what she wants. She may not want to hurt feelings along the way, and she'll find the most compa.s.sionate way to let you down, but...she won't lead you on just to spare your feelings. That's not Rose."

"Well that's good...I think. But I'm not sure we're dealing with the same Rose you knew before her accident."

"Whaddya mean?"

"I didn't know her before, so I wouldn't know, but this Rose is lacking in self-esteem. People who lack confidence tend to do things that make others happy...not themselves. At least that's what I think."

"Yeah, I forgot. You're farther along in your psych degree than I am."

We laugh together then she moves on to turning over chairs. To the music that still plays on the jukebox, together we turn chairs onto tables, and then I watch her mop.

Tabitha comes out of the kitchen, wearing a dirty ap.r.o.n and yellow rubber gloves. "Hey, gorgeous, you're still here?"

"Looks that way."

"Leave him alone, Tab, he's a good kid."

"He don't look like no kid to me."

With a soundless chuckle, I grab my coat from the bar stool and put it on.

"You're leaving?" Holly asks.

"Yeah, I'll talk to you later. I need to think," I say before heading toward the door.

"You sure it's thinking you need, stud," Tabitha says. "'Cause if it's something else, well, I'd be happy to oblige."

I come to a dead stop.

"You interested?"

This is why I don't come to bars and this is why I don't drink. Because I do things impulsively.

"Falco," Holly exclaims. "Get your brain outta your d.i.c.k. Tabitha, he's not gonna be one of your wh.o.r.es tonight."

I walk out the door and shake it off.

On my way up Pompton Road, Holly's white Mercedes pulls up next to me. "Get the h.e.l.l in."

I do.

"Why you walking? You could have just waited for me."

"I told you. I needed to think. Besides, good thing I didn't stay. I might have taken Tabitha up on her offer."

"What? No. You don't want Tabitha, she has major problems. Besides, you want Rose, don't you?"

"Of course I do. I just meant for tonight."

"Guys. You think with your d.i.c.ks, I swear."

"Make a left," I spit out.

"Oh. You live up here?" she asks, making the turn.

"Yup. The big house on the left."

"Nice. The whole team lives here?"

"Most of us. Thanks, Holly." I open the car door and get out.

"No prob. Let me know how tomorrow goes."

"'Kay. Bye."

Tomorrow never goes.

Sat.u.r.day morning, I get a text.

She's canceled.

21.

ROSE.

I'm a chicken. I belong on Daddy's farm.

I text Ben I'm not feeling well and will have to take a rain check. He knows it's a lie. His text back is a mere, "Okay."

My heart is disappointed, my brain doesn't care. The thing about tonight? It would've been a date. If it went well, which I surmise it would have, we'd go on a second date. Soon, we'd be dating regularly. And besides all that what's-he-doing-with-who-at-school-without-me c.r.a.p, dating leads to s.e.x.

The first time having s.e.x with me would be Ben's last time having s.e.x with me. Sure, there's the option of doing it in the dark, but when his hand explored my body, there'd be a huge chunk missing. Dark or not, his imagination would see what I don't want him to see.

I'm not ready.

Not now.

Life on the farm is monotonous. Growing up, it was fun. School always came first, my mother made sure of that, but our ch.o.r.es had to get done. Since most of our friends' parents worked regular jobs and had no access to horses and cows and farm life, it was exciting for them to come over after school and ride - horses, tractors, whatever was ride-able. It made me proud. And once I went away to college, because I'd be away from it for chunks at a time, I treasured the weekends I'd come home to help Daddy.

Now it's all I do.

And it makes me sad.

Since the day I canceled on him, Ben stopped texting me - I deserve it.

Part of me wishes he would have fought harder, but why should he? He can have anyone he wants.

Holly texts me a few times a week, but she's been too busy with school, work, and her relationship with Mick to get into any real conversation. Not that I'd open up. I don't do that anymore.

I'm so bored that I pull my dancing leg out of the box again. I don't know why, I just do. I start touching it. Again. It's so foreign. With my hand, I bend the foot at the ankle...back and forth...side to side; it actually moves effortlessly, unlike the one I'm wearing, which is more rigid in its motions. I stare at it for G.o.d-knows how long, but that just makes me mad.

Why? Why can't things be simple? What's Your purpose for doing this to me? I just don't understand.

I stare at this thing that's now in my hands, and I curse it. Loudly. Then I put it back in its box. Again.