Could claim no right, to lands or rents, 835 But for our parents' settlements; Had been but younger sons o' th' earth, Debarr'd it all, but for our birth.

What honours or estates of peers, Cou'd be preserv'd but by their heirs 840 And what security maintains Their right and t.i.tle, but the banes?

What crowns could be hereditary, If greatest monarchs did not marry.

And with their consorts consummate 845 Their weightiest interests of state?

For all the amours of princes are But guarantees of peace or war, Or what but marriage has a charm The rage of empires to disarm, 850 Make blood and desolation cease, And fire and sword unite in peace, When all their fierce contest for forage Conclude in articles of marriage?

Nor does the genial bed provide 855 Less for the int'rests of the bride; Who else had not the least pretence T' as much as due benevolence; Could no more t.i.tle take upon her To virtue, quality, and honour. 860 Than ladies-errant, unconfin'd, And feme-coverts t' all mankind All women would be of one piece, The virtuous matron and the miss; The nymphs of chaste Diana's train, 865 The same with those in LEWKNER's Lane; But for the difference marriage makes 'Twixt wives and ladies of the lakes; Besides the joys of place and birth, The s.e.x's paradise on earth; 870 A privilege so sacred held, That none will to their mothers yield; But rather than not go before, Abandon Heaven at the door.And if th' indulgent law allows 875 A greater freedom to the spouse, The reason is, because the wife Runs greater hazards of her life; Is trusted with the form and matter Of all mankind by careful nature; 880 Where man brings nothing but the stuff She frames the wond'rous fabric of; Who therefore, in a streight, may freely Demand the clergy of her belly, And make it save her the same way 885 It seldom misses to betray; Unless both parties wisely enter Into the liturgy indenture, And though some fits of small contest Sometimes fall out among the best, 890 That is no more than ev'ry lover Does from his hackney-lady suffer; That makes no breach of faith and love, But rather (sometimes) serves t' improve.For as in running, ev'ry pace 895 Is but between two legs a race, In which both do their uttermost To get before, and win the post, Yet when they're at their race's ends, They're still as kind and constant friends, 900 And, to relieve their weariness, By turns give one another ease; So all those false alarms of strife Between the husband and the wife, And little quarrels, often prove 905 To be but new recruits of love; When those wh' are always kind or coy, In time must either tire or cloy.Nor are their loudest clamours more, Than as they're relish'd, sweet or sour; 910 Like musick, that proves bad or good; According as 'tis understood.In all amours, a lover burns With frowns as well as smiles by turns; And hearts have been as aft with sullen 915 As charming looks surpriz'd and stolen.Then why should more bewitching clamour Some lovers not as much enamour?For discords make the sweetest airs And curses are a kind of pray'rs; 920 Too slight alloys for all those grand Felicities by marriage gain'd.For nothing else has pow'r to settle Th' interests of love perpetual; An act and deed, that that makes one heart 925 Becomes another's counter-part, And pa.s.ses fines on faith and love, Inroll'd and register'd above, To seal the slippery knots of vows, Which nothing else but death can loose. 930 And what security's too strong, To guard that gentle heart from wrong, That to its friend is glad to pa.s.s Itself away, and all it has; And, like an anchorite, gives over 935 This world for th' heaven of lover?I grant (quoth she) there are some few Who take that course, and find it true But millions whom the same does sentence To heav'n b' another way -- repentance. 940 Love's arrows are but shot at rovers; Though all they hit, they turn to lovers; And all the weighty consequents Depend upon more blind events, Than gamesters, when they play a set 945 With greatest cunning at piquet, Put out with caution, but take in They know not what, unsight, unseen, For what do lovers, when they're fast In one another's arms embrac't, 950 But strive to plunder, and convey Each other, like a prize, away?To change the property of selves, As sucking children are by elves?And if they use their persons so, 955 What will they to their fortunes do?Their fortunes! the perpetual aims Of all their extasies and flames.For when the money's on the book, And, All my worldly goods -- but spoke, 960 (The formal livery and seisin That puts a lover in possession,) To that alone the bridegroom's wedded; The bride a flam, that's superseded.To that their faith is still made good, 965 And all the oaths to us they vow'd: For when we once resign our pow'rs, W' have nothing left we can call ours: Our money's now become the Miss Of all your lives and services; 970 And we forsaken, and postpon'd; But bawds to what before we own'd; Which, as it made y' at first gallant us, So now hires others to supplant us, Until 'tis all turn'd out of doors, 975 (As we had been) for new amours; For what did ever heiress yet By being born to lordships get?When the more lady sh' is of manours, She's but expos'd to more trepanners, 980 Pays for their projects and designs, And for her own destruction fines; And does but tempt them with her riches, To use her as the Dev'l does witches; Who takes it for a special grace 985 To be their cully for a s.p.a.ce, That when the time's expir'd, the drazels For ever may become his va.s.sals: So she, bewitch'd by rooks and spirits, Betrays herself, and all sh' inherits; 990 Is bought and sold, like stolen goods, By pimps, and match-makers, and bawds, Until they force her to convey, And steal the thief himself away.These are the everlasting fruits 995 Of all your pa.s.sionate love-suits, Th' effects of all your amorous fancies To portions and inheritances; Your love-sick rapture for fruition Of dowry, jointure, and tuition; 1000 To which you make address and courtship; Ad with your bodies strive to worship, That th' infants' fortunes may partake Of love too, for the mother's sake.For these you play at purposes, 1005 And love your love's with A's and B's: For these at Beste and L'Ombre woo, And play for love and money too; Strive who shall be the ablest man At right gallanting of a fan; 1010 And who the most genteelly bred At sucking of a vizard-head; How best t' accost us in all quarters; T' our question -- and -- command new Garters And solidly discourse upon 1015 All sorts of dresses, Pro and Con.For there's no mystery nor trade, But in the art of love is made: And when you have more debts to pay Than Michaelmas and Lady-Day, 1020 And no way possible to do't, But love and oaths, and restless suit, To us y' apply to pay the scores Of all your cully'd, past amours; Act o'er your flames and darts again, 1025 And charge us with your wounds and pain; Which others influences long since Have charm'd your noses with and shins; For which the surgeon is unpaid, And like to be, without our aid. 1030 Lord! what an am'rous thing is want!How debts and mortgages inchant!What graces must that lady have That can from executions save!What charms that can reverse extent, 1035 And null decree and exigent!What magical attracts and graces, That can redeem from Scire facias!From bonds and statutes can discharge, And from contempts of courts enlarge! 1040 These are the highest excellencies Of all your true or false pretences: And you would d.a.m.n yourselves, and swear As much t' an hostess dowager, Grown fat and pursy by retail 1045 Of pots of beer and bottled ale; And find her fitter for your turn; For fat is wondrous apt to burn; Who at your flames would soon take fire, Relent, and melt to your desire, 1050 And like a candle in the socket, Dissolve her graces int' your pocket.By this time 'twas grown dark and late, When they heard a knocking at the gate, Laid on in haste with such a powder, 1055 The blows grew louder still and louder; Which HUDIBRAS, as if th' had been Bestow'd as freely on his skin, Expounding, by his inward light, Or rather more prophetick fright, 1060 To be the Wizard, come to search, And take him napping in the lurch Turn'd pale as ashes or a clout; But why or wherefore is a doubt For men will tremble, and turn paler, 1065 With too much or too little valour.His heart laid on, as if it try'd To force a pa.s.sage through his side, Impatient (as he vow'd) to wait 'em, But in a fury to fly at 'em; 1070 And therefore beat, and laid about, To find a cranny to creep out.But she, who saw in what a taking The Knight was by his furious quaking, Undaunted cry'd, Courage, Sir Knight; 1075 Know, I'm resolv'd to break no rite Of hospitality t' a stranger; But, to secure you out of danger, Will here myself stand sentinel, To guard this pa.s.s 'gainst SIDROPHEL. 1080 Women, you know, do seldom fail To make the stoutest men turn tail; And bravely scorn to turn their backs Upon the desp'ratest attacks.At this the Knight grew resolute 1085 As IRONSIDE and HARDIKNUTE His fort.i.tude began to rally, And out he cry'd aloud to sally.But she besought him to convey His courage rather out o' th' way, 1090 And lodge in ambush on the floor, Or fortify'd behind a door; That if the enemy shou'd enter, He might relieve her in th' adventure.Mean while they knock'd against the door 1095 As fierce as at the gate before, Which made the Renegado Knight Relapse again t' his former fright.He thought it desperate to stay Till th' enemy had forc'd his way, 1100 But rather post himself, to serve The lady, for a fresh reserve His duty was not to dispute, But what sh' had order'd execute; Which he resolv'd in haste t' obey, 1105 And therefore stoutly march'd away; And all h' encounter'd fell upon, Though in the dark, and all alone; Till fear, that braver feats performs Than ever courage dar'd in arms, 1110 Had drawn him up before a pa.s.s To stand upon his guard, and face: This he courageously invaded, And having enter'd, barricado'd, Insconc'd himself as formidable 1115 As could be underneath a table, Where he lay down in ambush close, T' expect th' arrival of his foes.

Few minutes he had lain perdue, To guard his desp'rate avenue, 1120 Before he heard a dreadful shout, As loud as putting to the rout, With which impatiently alarm'd, He fancy'd th' enemy had storm'd, And, after ent'ring, SIDROPHEL 1125 Was fall'n upon the guards pell-mell He therefore sent out all his senses, To bring him in intelligences, Which vulgars, out of ignorance, Mistake for falling in a trance; 1130 But those that trade in geomancy, Affirm to be the strength of fancy; In which the Lapland Magi deal, And things incredible reveal.Mean while the foe beat up his quarters, 1135 And storm'd the out-works of his fortress: And as another, of the same Degree and party, in arms and fame, That in the same cause had engag'd, At war with equal conduct wag'd, 1140 By vent'ring only but to thrust His head a span beyond his post, B' a gen'ral of the cavaliers Was dragg'd thro' a window by th' ears; So he was serv'd in his redoubt, 1145 And by the other end pull'd out.Soon as they had him at their mercy, They put him to the cudgel fiercely, As if they'd scorn'd to trade or barter, By giving or by taking quarter: 1150 They stoutly on his quarters laid, Until his scouts came in t' his aid.For when a man is past his sense, There's no way to reduce him thence, But twinging him by th' ears or nose, 1155 Or laying on of heavy blows; And if that will not do the deed, To burning with hot irons proceed.No sooner was he come t' himself, But on his neck a st.u.r.dy elf 1160 Clapp'd, in a trice, his cloven hoof, And thus attack'd him with reproof; Mortal, thou art betray'd to us B' our friend, thy Evil Genius, Who, for thy horrid perjuries, 1165 Thy breach of faith, and turning lies, The Brethren's privilege (against The wicked) on themselves, the Saints, Has here thy wretched carcase sent For just revenge and punishment; 1170 Which thou hast now no way to lessen, But by an open, free confession; For if we catch thee failing once, 'Twill fall the heavier on thy bones.What made thee venture to betray, 1175 And filch the lady's heart away?To Spirit her to matrimony? -- That which contracts all matches -- money.It was th' inchantment oft her riches That made m' apply t' your croney witches, 1180 That, in return, wou'd pay th' expence, The wear and tear of conscience; Which I cou'd have patch'd up, and turn'd, For the hundredth part of what I earn'd.Didst thou not love her then? Speak true. 1185 No more (quoth he) than I love you. -- How would'st th' have us'd her, and her money? -- First turn'd her up to alimony; And laid her dowry out in law, To null her jointure with a flaw, 1190 Which I before-hand had agreed T' have put, on purpose in the deed; And bar her widow's making over T' a friend in trust, or private lover.What made thee pick and chuse her out, 1195 T' employ their sorceries about? -- That which makes gamesters play with those Who have least wit, and most to lose.But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus, As thou hast d.a.m.n'd thyself to us? 1200 I see you take me for an a.s.s: 'Tis true, I thought the trick wou'd pa.s.s Upon a woman well enough, As 't has been often found by proof, Whose humours are not to be won, 1205 But when they are impos'd upon.For love approves of all they do That stand for candidates, and woo.Why didst thou forge those shameful lies Of bears and witches in disguise? 1210 That is no more than authors give The rabble credit to believe: A trick of following their leaders, To entertain their gentle readers; And we have now no other way 1215 Of pa.s.sing all we do or say Which, when 'tis natural and true, Will be believ'd b' a very few, Beside the danger of offence, The fatal enemy of sense. 1220 Why did thou chuse that cursed sin, Hypocrisy, to set up in?Because it is in the thriving'st calling, The only Saints-bell that rings all in; In which all churches are concern'd, 1225 And is the easiest to be learn'd: For no degrees, unless th' employ't, Can ever gain much, or enjoy't: A gift that is not only able To domineer among the rabble, 1230 But by the laws impower'd to rout, And awe the greatest that stand out; Which few hold forth against, for fear Their hands should slip, and come too near; For no sin else among the Saints 1235 Is taught so tenderly against.What made thee break thy plighted vows? -- That which makes others break a house, And hang, and scorn ye all, before Endure the plague of being poor. 1240 Quoth he, I see you have more tricks Than all your doating politicks, That are grown old, and out of fashion, Compar'd with your New Reformation; That we must come to school to you, 1245 To learn your more refin'd, and new.Quoth he, If you will give me leave To tell you what I now perceive, You'll find yourself an arrant chouse, If y' were but at a Meeting-House. -- 1250 'Tis true, quoth he, we ne'er come there, Because, w' have let 'em out by th' year.Truly, quoth he, you can't imagine What wond'rous things they will engage in That as your fellow-fiends in h.e.l.l 1255 Were angels all before they fell, So are you like to be agen, Compar'd with th' angels of us men.Quoth he, I am resolv'd to be Thy scholar in this mystery; 1260 And therefore first desire to know Some principles on which you go.What makes a knave a child of G.o.d, And one of us? -- A livelihood.What renders beating out of brains, 1265 And murder, G.o.dliness? -- Great gains.What's tender conscience? -- 'Tis a botch, That will not bear the gentlest touch; But breaking out, dispatches more Than th' epidemical'st plague-sore. 1270 What makes y' encroach upon our trade, And d.a.m.n all others? -- To be paid.What's orthodox, and true, believing Against a conscience? -- A good living.What makes rebelling against Kings 1275 A Good Old Cause? -- Administrings.What makes all doctrines plain and clear? -- About two hundred pounds a year.And that which was prov'd true before, Prove false again? -- Two hundred more. 1280 What makes the breaking of all oaths A holy duty? -- Food and cloaths.What laws and freedom, persecution? -- B'ing out of pow'r, and contribution.What makes a church a den of thieves? -- 1285 A dean and chapter, and white sleeves.Ad what would serve, if those were gone, To make it orthodox? -- Our own.What makes morality a crime, The most notorious of the time; 1290 Morality, which both the Saints, And wicked too, cry out against? -- Cause grace and virtue are within Prohibited degrees of kin And therefore no true Saint allows, 1295 They shall be suffer'd to espouse; For Saints can need no conscience, That with morality dispense; As virtue's impious, when 'tis rooted In nature only, and not imputed 1300 But why the wicked should do so, We neither know, or care to do.