Quoth HUDIBRAS, That's answer'd soon Give us the whip, we'll lay it on.

Quoth RALPHO, That we may swear true, 'Twere properer that I whipp'd you For when with your consent 'tis done, 475 The act is really your own.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, It is in vain (I see) to argue 'gainst the grain; Or, like the stars, incline men to What they're averse themselves to do: 480 For when disputes are weary'd out, 'Tis interest still resolves the doubt But since no reason can confute ye, I'll try to force you to your duty For so it is, howe'er you mince it; 485 As ere we part, I shall evince it And curry (if you stand out) whether You will or no, your stubborn leather.

Canst thou refuse to hear thy part I' th' publick work, base as thou art? 490 To higgle thus for a few blows, To gain thy Knight an op'lent spouse Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase, Merely for th' interest of the Churches; And when he has it in his claws, 495 Will not be hide-bound to the Cause?

Nor shalt thou find him a Curmudgin, If thou dispatch it without grudging.

If not, resolve, before we go, That you and I must pull a crow. 500

Y' had best (quoth RALPHO) as the ancients Say wisely, Have a care o' th' main chance, And look before you ere you leap; For as you sow, y' are like to reap: And were y' as good as George-a-Green, 505 I shall make bold to turn agen Nor am I doubtful of the issue In a just quarrel, and mine is so.

Is't fitting for a man of honour To whip the Saints, like Bishop Bonner? 510 A Knight t' usurp the beadle's office, For which y' are like to raise brave trophies.

But I advise you (not for fear, But for your own sake) to forbear; And for the Churches, which may chance, 515 From hence, to spring a variance; And raise among themselves new scruples, Whom common danger hardly couples.

Remember how, in arms and politicks, We still have worsted all your holy tricks; 520 Trepann'd your party with intrigue, And took your grandees down a peg; New modell'd th' army, and cashier'd All that to legion SMEC adher'd; Made a mere utensil o' your Church, 525 And after left it in the lurch A scaffold to build up our own, And, when w' had done with't, pull'd it down Capoch'd your Rabbins of the Synod, And snap'd their Canons with a why-not; 530 (Grave Synod Men, that were rever'd For solid face and depth of beard;) Their cla.s.sic model prov'd a maggot, Their direct'ry an Indian PaG.o.d; And drown'd their discipline like a kitten, 535 On which they'd been so long a sitting; Decry'd it as a holy cheat, Grown out of date, and obsolete; And all the Saints of the first gra.s.s As casting foals of Balaam's a.s.s. 540

At this the Knight grew high in chafe, And staring furiously on RALPH, He trembled, and look'd pale with ire Like ashes first, then red as fire.

Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight, 545 And for so many moons lain by't, And, when all other means did fail, Have been exchang'd for tubs of ale?Not but they thought me worth a ransome Much more consid'rable and handsome, 550 But for their own sakes, and for fear They were not safe when I was there Now to be baffled by a scoundrel, An upstart sect'ry, and a mungrel; Such as breed out of peccant humours, 555 Of our own Church, like wens or tumours, And, like a maggot in a sore, Would that which gave it life devour; It never shall be done or said; With that he seiz'd upon his blade; 560 And RALPHO too, as quick and bold, Upon his basket-hilt laid hold, With equal readiness prcpar'd To draw, and stand upon his guard; When both were parted on the sudden, 565 With hideous clamour, and a loud one As if all sorts of noise had been Contracted into one loud din; Or that some member to be chosen, Had got the odds above a thousand, 570 And by the greatness of its noise, Prov'd fittest for his country's choice.This strange surprisal put the Knight And wrathful Squire into a fright; And though they stood prepar'd, with fatal 575 Impetuous rancour to join battel, Both thought it was the wisest course To wave the fight and mount to horse, And to secure by swift retreating, Themselves from danger of worse beating. 580 Yet neither of them would disparage, By utt'ring of his mind, his courage, Which made them stoutly keep their ground, With horror and disdain wind-bound.And now the cause of all their fear 585 By slow degrees approach'd so near, They might distinguish different noise Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys, And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub Sounds like the hooping of a tub. 590 But when the sight appear'd in view, They found it was an antique show; A triumph, that, for pomp and state, Did proudest Romans emulate: For as the aldermen of Rome 595 Their foes at training overcome, And not enlarging territory, (As some mistaken write in Story,) Being mounted, in their best array, Upon a carr, and who but they! 600 And follow'd with a world of tall-lads, That merry ditties troll'd, and ballads, Did ride with many a good-morrow, Crying, Hey for our Town! through the Borough So when this triumph drew so nigh 605 They might particulars descry, They never saw two things so pat, In all respects, as this and that.First, he that led the cavalcade, Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate, 610 On which he blew as strong a levet As well-fee'd lawyer on his breviate, When over one another's heads They charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes, Next pans and kettle, of all keys, 615 From trebles down to double base; And after them, upon a nag, That might pa.s.s for a forehand stag, A cornet rode, and on his staff A smock display'd did proudly wave. 620 Then bagpipes of the loudest drones, With snuffling broken-winded tones, Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut Sound filthier than from the gut, And make a viler noise than swine 625 In windy weather, when they whine.Next one upon a pair of panniers, Full fraught with that which for good manners Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains, Which he dispens'd among the swains, 630 And busily upon the crowd At random round about bestow'd.Then, mounted on a horned horse, One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs, Ty'd to the pummel of a long sword 635 He held reverst, the point turn'd downward, Next after, on a raw-bon'd steed, The conqueror's standard-bearer rid, And bore aloft before the champion A petticoat display'd, and rampant 640 Near whom the Amazon triumphant Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't Sat face to tail, and b.u.m to b.u.m, The warrior whilom overcome; Arm'd with a spindle and a distaff, 645 Which, as he rode, she made him twist off; And when he loiter'd, o'er her shoulder Chastis'd the reformado soldier.Before the dame, and round about, March'd whifflers and staffiers on foot, 650 With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages, In fit and proper equipages; Of whom some torches bore, some links, Before the proud virago minx, That was both Madam and a Don, 655 Like NERO'S SPORUS, or POPE JOAN; And at fit periods the whole rout Set up their throats with clamorous shout.The Knight, transported, and the Squire, Put up their weapons, and their ire; 660 And HUDIBRAS, who us'd to ponder On such sights with judicious wonder, Could hold no longer to impart His animadversions, for his heart.Quoth he, In all my life, till now, 665 I ne'er saw so prophane a show.It is a Paganish invention, -- Which heathen writers often mention: And he who made it had read GOODWIN, Or Ross, or CAELIUS RHODOGINE, 670 With all the Grecians, SPEEDS and STOWS, That best describe those ancient shows; And has observ'd all fit decorums We find describ'd by old historians: For as the Roman conqueror, 675 That put an end to foreign war, Ent'ring the town in triumph for it, Bore a slave with him, in his chariot; So this insulting female brave, Carries behind her here a slave: 680 And as the ancients long ago, When they in field defy'd the foe, Hung out their mantles della guerre, So her proud standard-bearer here Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner, 685 A Tyrian-petticoat for banner: Next links and torches, heretofore Still borne before the emperor.And as, in antique triumphs, eggs Were borne for mystical intrigues, 690 There's one with truncheon, like a ladle, That carries eggs too, fresh or addle; And still at random, as he goes, Among the rabble-rout bestows.Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter; 695 For all th' antiquity you smatter, Is but a riding, us'd of course When the grey mare's the better horse; When o'er the breeches greedy women Fight to extend their vast dominion; 700 And in the cause impatient Grizel Has drubb'd her Husband with bull's pizzle, And brought him under Covert-Baron, To turn her va.s.sal with a murrain; When wives their s.e.xes shift, like hares, 705 And ride their husbands like night-mares, And they in mortal battle vanquish'd, Are of their charter disenfranchis'd And by the right of war, like gills, Condemn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels: 710 For when men by their wives are cow'd, Their horns of course are understood Quoth HUDIBRAS thou still giv'st sentence Impertinently, and against sense.Tis not the least disparagement 715 To be defeated by th' event, Nor to be beaten by main force; That does not make a man the worse, Although his shoulders with battoon Be claw'd and cudgel'd to some tune. 720 A taylor's 'prentice has no hard Measure that's bang'd with a true yard: But to turn tail, or run away, And without blows give up the day, Or to surrender ere th' a.s.sault, 725 That's no man's fortune, but his fault, And renders men of honour less Than all th' adversity of success; And only unto such this shew Of horns and petticoats is due. 730 There is a lesser profanation, Like that the Romans call'd ovation: For as ovation was allow'd For conquest purchas'd without blood, So men decree these lesser shows 735 For victory gotten without blows, By dint of sharp hard words, which some Give battle with, and overcome.These mounted in a chair-curule, Which moderns call a cucking-stool, 740 March proudly to the river's side, And o'er the waves in triumph ride; Like Dukes of VENICE, who are said The Adriatick Sea to wed; And have a gentler wife than those 745 For whom the State decrees those shows, But both are heathenish, and come From th' wh.o.r.es of Babylon and Rome; And by the Saints should be withstood, As Antichristian and lewd; 750 And as such, should now contribute Our utmost struggling to prohibit.This said, they both advanc'd, and rode A dog-trot through the bawling crowd, T'attack the leader, and still prest, 755 Till they approach'd him breast to breast Then HUDIBRAS, with face and hand, Made signs for silence; which obtain'd, What means (quoth he) this Devil's precession With men of orthodox profession? 760 'Tis ethnic and idolatrous, From heathenism deriv'd to us, Does not the Wh.o.r.e of Babylon ride Upon her horned beast astride Like this proud dame, who either is 765 A type of her, or she of this?Are things of superst.i.tious function Fit to be us'd in Gospel Sun-shine?It is an Antichristian opera, Much us'd in midnight times of Popery, 770 Of running after self-inventions Of wicked and profane intentions; To scandalize that s.e.x for scolding, To whom the Saints are so beholden.Women, who were our first Apostles 775 Without whose aid we had been lost else; Women, that left no stone unturn'd In which the Cause might he concern'd; Brought in their children's' spoons and whistles, To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols; 780 Their husbands, cullies, and sweet-hearts, To take the Saints and Churches' parts; Drew several gifted Brethren in, That for the Bishops would have been, And fix'd 'em constant to the party, 785 With motives powerful and hearty; Their husbands robb'd, and made hard shifts T'administer unto their gifts All they cou'd rap, and rend, and pilfer, To sc.r.a.ps and ends of gold and silver; 790 Rubb'd down the Teachers, tir'd and spent With holding forth for Parliament, Pamper'd and edify'd their zeal With marrow-puddings many a meal; And led them, with store of meat, 795 On controverted points to eat; And cram'd 'em, till their guts did ake, With cawdle, custard, and plum-cake: What have they done, or what left undone, That might advance the Cause at London? 800 March'd rank and file, with drum and ensign, T'intrench the city for defence in Rais'd rampiers with their own soft hands, To put the enemy to stands; From ladies down to oyster-wenches, 805 Labour'd like pioneers in trenches; Fell to their pick-axes, and tools, And help'd the men to dig like moles?Have not the handmaids of the city Chose of their members a committee, 810 For raising of a common purse Out of their wages to raise horse?

And do they not as triers sit, To judge what officers are fit Have they --? At that an egg let fly, 815 Hit him directly o'er the eye, And running down his cheek, besmear'd, With orange tawny slime, his beard; But beard and slime being of one hue, The wound the less appear'd in view. 820 Then he that on the panniers rode, Let fly on th' other side a load, And, quickly charg'd again, gave fully In RALPHO'S face another volley.The Knight was startled with the smell, 825 And for his sword began to feel; And RALPHO, smother'd with the stink, Grasp'd his; when one, that bore a link, O' th' sudden clapp'd his flaming cudgel, Like linstock, to the horse's touch-hole; 830 And straight another, with his flambeaux, Gave RALPHO'S o'er the eye a d.a.m.n'd blow.The beasts began to kick and fling, And forc'd the rout to make a ring, Through which they quickly broke their way, 835 And brought them off from further fray; And though disorder'd in retreat, Each of them stoutly kept his seat For quitting both their swords and reins, They grasp'd with all their strength the manes, 840 And, to avoid the foe's pursuit, With spurring put their cattle to't; And till all four were out of wind, And danger too, ne'er look'd behind.After th' had paus'd a while, supplying 845 Their spirits, spent with fight and flying, And HUDIBRAS recruited force Of lungs, for action or discourse, Quoth he, That man is sure to lose That fouls his hands with dirty foes: 850 For where no honour's to be gain'd, 'Tis thrown away in b'ing maintain'd.'Twas ill for us we had to do With so dishonourable a foe: For though the law of arms doth bar 855 The use of venom'd shot in war, Yet, by the nauseous smell, and noisome, Their case-shot savours strong of poison; And doubtless have been chew'd with teeth Of some that had a stinking breath; 860 Else, when we put it to the push, They have not giv'n us such a brush.But as those pultroons, that fling dirt, Do but defile, but cannot hurt, So all the honour they have won, 865 Or we have lost, is much as one, 'Twas well we made so resolute And brave retreat without pursuit; For if we had not, we had sped Much worse, to be in triumph led; 870 Than which the ancients held no state Of man's life more unfortunate.But if this bold adventure e'er Do chance to reach the widow's ear, It may, b'ing destin'd to a.s.sert 875 Her s.e.x's honour, reach her heart: And as such homely treats (they say) Portend good fortune, so this may. VESPASIAN being daub'd with dirt, Was destin'd to the empire for't; 880 And from a Scavenger did come To be a mighty Prince in Rome And why may not this foul address Presage in love the same success Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds, 885 Advance in quest of nearest ponds, And after (as we first design'd) Swear I've perform'd what she enjoin'd.NOTES TO PART II. CANTO II.15 So th' ancient Stoicks, &c.] In Porticu (Stoicorum Schola Athenis) Discipulorum Seditionibus mille Quadrigenti triginta Cives interfecti sunt. -- Diog. Laert. In Vita Zenonis, p.383. [One thousand four hundred and thirty citizens were killed in the quarrels of the disciples in the porch (of the Stoic School of Athens).] Those old Virtuosos were better proficients in those exercises than modern, who seldom improve higher than cuffing and kicking.19 Bonum is such a kind of animal as our modern virtuosi from Don Quixote will have windmills under sail to be. The same authors are of opinion, that all ships are fishes while they are afloat; but when they are run on ground, & laid up, in the dock, become ships again.413 in a town, &c.] The history of the Cobler had been attested by persons of good credit, who were upon the place when it was done.548 Have been exchang'd, &c.] The knight was kept prisoner in Exeter, and, after several exchanges proposed, but none accepted of, was at last released for a barrel of ale, as he often used to declare.678 Bore a slave with him in his chariot.------ Et sibi Consul Me placeat, curru servus portatur eodem.[And it pleased the Consul to have me carried as a slave in his chariot]683 Hung out, &c.] Tunica Coccinia solebat pridie quam dimicandum esset, supra praetorium poni, quasi admonito, & indicium futurae pugnae. [The praetors wore scarlet tunics on the day before the battle, for a warning, and a portent of the future. ] Lipsius in Tacit. p. 56.687 next links, &c.] That the Roman Emperors were wont to have torches borne before them (by day) appears by Herodian in Pertinace. Lipsius in Tacit. p. 16.879 Vespasian being dawb'd, &c.] C. Caesar sucensens, propter curam verrendis viis non adhibitam, Luto jussit appleri congesto per milites in praetexte sinum. Sueton. in Vespas. C.5.PART II CANTO III.THE ARGUMENT ------------------------------------------------- The Knight, with various Doubts possest, To win the Lady goes in quest Of Sidrophel, the Rosy-Crucian, To know the Dest'nies' Resolution; With whom being met, they both chop Logick About the Science Astrologick, Till falling from Dispute to Fight, The Conj'rer's worsted by the Knight.Doubtless the pleasure is as great Of being cheated as to cheat; As lookers-on feel most delight, That least perceive a jugler's slight; And still the less they understand, 5 The more th' admire his slight of hand.Some with a noise, and greasy light, Are snapt, as men catch larks by night; Ensnar'd and hamper'd by the soul, As nooses by their legs catch fowl l0 Some with a med'cine, and receipt, Are drawn to nibble at the bait; And tho' it be a two-foot trout, 'Tis with a single hair pull'd out.Others believe no voice t' an organ 15 So sweet as lawyer's in his bar-gown, Until with subtle cobweb-cheats Th'are catch'd in knotted law, like nets; In which, when once they are imbrangled, The more they stir, the more they're tangled; 20 And while their purses can dispute, There's no end of th' immortal suit.Others still gape t' antic.i.p.ate The cabinet-designs of fate; Apply to wizards, to foresee 25 What shall and what shall never be; And, as those vultures do forebode, Believe events prove bad or good: A flam more senseless than the roguery Of old aruspicy and aug'ry. 30 That out of garbages of cattle Presag'd th' events of truce or battle; From flight of birds, or chickens pecking, Success of great'st attempts would reckon: Though cheats, yet more intelligible 35 Than those that with the stars do fribble.This HUDIBRAS by proof found true, As in due time and place we'll shew: For he, with beard and face made clean, B'ing mounted on his steed agen, 40 (And RALPHO got a c.o.c.k-horse too Upon his beast, with much ado) Advanc'd on for the Widow's house, To acquit himself, and pay his vows; When various thoughts began to bustle, 45 And with his inward man to justle He thought what danger might accrue If she should find he swore untrue; Or if his squire or he should fail, And not be punctual in their tale: 50 It might at once the ruin prove Both of his honour, faith, and love.But if he should forbear to go, She might conclude h'had broke his vow; And that he durst not now for-shame 55 Appear in court to try his claim.