When You Refuse to Forgive Yourself Lifting blame from the offender's shoulders and transferring it to your own may be your way of protecting him and keeping your image of him untarnished and intact. Blaming yourself also simpli-fies your vision of the world and frees you from the role of victim. It puts you back in charge.

You may want to ask yourself, "Do I have a pattern of 'unforgivingness' toward myself, a lifelong tendency to berate myself for anything bad that happens, even those events over which I have no Acceptance 113.

control? Am I unrelentingly tough on myself, tougher than I need to be or than the facts warrant? Do I ignore extenuating circ.u.mstances that aren't my fault? Were my parents or guardians excessively punitive, shaming, or unforgiving? Did they go for the jugular and make me feel rotten about myself? Did I buy into their criticism?" Understanding these pernicious childhood patterns may help you grow out of them.

When a patient named Mary caught her husband, Sam, in bed with a neighbor, she could no longer deny what was going on. Sam seemed genuinely sorry, even relieved to be discovered, and worked hard to regain her trust.

"For twenty years I knew he was cheating on me," Mary told me. "Now that it's out in the open and Sam is reaching out to me, I think I can forgive him. But what's harder, much harder, is forgiving myself myself. How do I do that when I've been so stupid, so not there for myself for twenty years?"

What Mary found is that it's sometimes easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself, sometimes simpler to accept their mistreatment than to confront your own self-denying behavior.

Like Mary, you may fear that if you forgive yourself, you'll lose track of your mistakes and repeat them. But with Self-Forgiveness you don't ignore or minimize what you did, or lighten your sentence; on the contrary, you commit yourself to changing your ways, so that your response to violation will be more self-protective, more self-affirming the next time around.

IS ACCEPTANCE GOOD ENOUGH?.

Forgiveness has been held up as the gold standard of recovery from an interpersonal wound. Unfortunately, as it's currently defined, its reach exceeds its grasp. For many of us, forgiveness fails to provide the emotional resolution and physical health benefits it promises.

By dividing the concept of forgiveness into two adaptive options-Acceptance and Genuine Forgiveness-you have the freedom to choose two different itineraries. One, Acceptance, is a healing journey you make by yourself, for yourself. The other, Genuine 114 Forgiveness, is a healing journey you make with the offender, as you honor his reparative efforts to make amends. Each is a hard-won achievement. Each is a healthy response to a very different set of circ.u.mstances.

Acceptance is not a failure to forgive but an equally powerful way of healing an injury when the person who hurt you fails to partic.i.p.ate in the process. Acceptance is not an inferior, immature, or morally deficient reaction. It is a wise and proactive alternative. You can't draw blood from a stone, but you can accept an unrepentant offender.

Acceptance is a process you enter into primarily to free yourself from the trauma of an injury. Your goal is not necessarily forgiveness. Your goal is not necessarily forgiveness.

Your goal is emotional resolution, the restoration of your best self, the rekindling of meaning and value in your life. rekindling of meaning and value in your life. Acceptance is not only a good enough response; in my view, it is the only honest and healthy response when the offender can't or won't apologize. However, because Genuine Forgiveness requires his caring involvement, it is likely to feel more deeply satisfying and complete than Acceptance. Acceptance is not only a good enough response; in my view, it is the only honest and healthy response when the offender can't or won't apologize. However, because Genuine Forgiveness requires his caring involvement, it is likely to feel more deeply satisfying and complete than Acceptance.

LOOKING AHEAD.

Acceptance supports not only your resolution of the past but your vision of the future. When you understand what motivated the offender and how you may have provoked or permitted his behavior, you're less likely to believe that the conflict will repeat itself with others. This wisdom frees you to forge new connections with a degree of optimism and a sense of safety and purpose. What happened to you once does not have to happen again.

That's what a patient named Kathleen came to realize. When she was a child, her baby brother would hold up his arms to her and say, "Kiss, kiss." Kathleen's schizophrenic mother would smack her, deluded by the paranoid belief that Kathleen was s.e.xually molesting him. When Kathleen got married and had a baby girl of her own, she saw her husband hold up his arms to their child and say lovingly, "Kiss, kiss." Her first response was to go numb with terror. Memo-115.

ries of violence collided with this image of pure, innocent love, causing her to feel disoriented and unmoored.

"It's hard to trust that today is real and that what happened to me won't happen to my baby," Kathleen told me. "Sometimes I'm afraid I'll do something horrible to her. But I've come to understand that for many years my mother was insane and not responsible for her behavior. Years later, when she was stabilized on medication, I asked her what happened, and she accused me of being the crazy one. I accept that she's incapable of acknowledging, never mind apologizing for, what she did to me. I've finished the old business of wanting more from her than she can give. I don't wish her harm, but I don't want much contact with her either. I've also come to trust that I'm not my mother. If anything, I'm overly protective of my child. In so many ways, my mother has taught me what I don't want to be."

Through the process of Acceptance, Kathleen learned to differ-entiate "then" from "now," her mother from herself, so that she could invest in her new family. As she relived and made better sense of the nightmare of her childhood, she began to work toward a new life and stem the destructive effects of her past.

"My life is so different today," she told me recently. "I'm moving forward cautiously, but with enough confidence that I'm safe, my baby is safe, loving is safe. I say this with a mix of guilt and awe-I'm no longer just a victim; I'm a survivor. And a pretty good parent."

The process of Acceptance can help you, as it helped Kathleen, not only to survive trauma but to learn from it and grow. It's not, as some people say, that the injury the injury changes you for the better, it's that changes you for the better, it's that your understanding your understanding of the injury changes you for the better. As you resolve old conflicts and confront how they contaminate your responses today, you create new possibilities that integrate and empower your most resilient self. of the injury changes you for the better. As you resolve old conflicts and confront how they contaminate your responses today, you create new possibilities that integrate and empower your most resilient self.

Part Four

GENUINE FORGIVENESS.

Robin, a married woman in her late thirties, came into therapy hoping to redress a terrible hurt that sat between her and her mother.

"When I was twelve, my father deserted us," Robin told me.

"That was a relief, because his only interest in us was s.e.xual. A few years later, my alcoholic mother went after him and abandoned us, too, leaving me and my sister to take care of our two young brothers.

She rea.s.sured us that she'd be back, and she did bless us with an occasional drunken visit, but basically we were left to fend for ourselves, long before we were ready. Last year, I heard that my father died. It felt like the end of a chapter, so I decided to write Mom and tell her I was married and had just given birth to my second child.

She wrote back, 'I'm so happy to hear from you. I'd like to meet your family.'"

Robin replied immediately. "Mom, there's so much to talk about. I'm holding a lot of pain inside me. If you'd like me to forgive you, there are some things I need you to do. I need you to apologize for abandoning me. I need to know if you know how much you hurt me, and if you care. I need you to try to understand, and help me to understand, why you left your family to run after a no-good father. I need to know that if I let you back into my life, you're not going to disappear again. And there's one more thing. When I told you Dad s.e.xually abused us throughout the years, you called me a liar. I need you to take that back. I look forward to hearing from you. Robin."

Robin showed me her mother's response.

My dear daughter Robin, I hope you and your babies are getting stronger each day and of course that Aaron [your husband] is well and happy, too.

I'm so sorry for any way I caused you heartache. You are so right about me, leaving you and just going crazy. But I never tried to hurt you. In fact, I never knew I had hurt you 120 so deeply-you were a grown-up girl at the time. I didn't realize you still needed me so much. But I can't go back and change things. If I could I would. I say, Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I don't think I said that right, but you know what I mean.

Robin, revenge belongs to G.o.d, and G.o.d doesn't like the idea of people judging others, because we all have sinned in the eyes of G.o.d. Remember when the people wanted to stone a prost.i.tute to death as she drew water from the well, and Jesus said, "You who have not sinned, let him throw the first stone," and no one threw a stone.

And also, Robin, people who don't forgive, G.o.d will not want to forgive. Forgiving people are much happier people and stay younger longer. Forgiveness is good for the soul.

What do people gain that hold revenge-nothing but a frown, and that's not pretty. The one who holds revenge has lost so much happiness and hurts themselves the most- wallowing in self-pity and anger, thinking meanwhile that they are making the other person suffer. They think they're getting sweet revenge. Let's take a deep breath and admit that none of us is perfect. Life is so short. Let's make the best we can with what years we have left. Let's go forward, not backward. There is nothing there if we go backward.

My dear, I have to get this in the mail. I've missed you so much in my life. I love you so very much and I always will. I want you to know, if I don't ever get to see you, I carried you inside me and our hearts beat the same. Yes, you were once my baby.

Mama Robin was disheartened by her mother's letter. "It's filled with plat.i.tudes," she told me. "It's not what I need, not what I prayed for." She wrote back: 121.

Dear Mom, I received your letter, and although I was glad to hear from you, I felt disappointed when I read it. I don't think you understand what I need from you. You talk about what I I need to do for need to do for you you. I told you I need you to sincerely apologize for not being there for me as my mother. You left for Florida when your job as my mother wasn't over yet. Of course I still needed you. I need you now. I certainly wasn't grown then. You left when I was in high school. I'm sorry you feel I'm judging you. It's not my intention. I don't believe I'm being vengeful. This separation has been hard on me, too. I'm going to these lengths because I need to. I need for you to be the mother. I don't want to be your mother. If my boys ever felt I had hurt them, I would do whatever I could to make it right. I'm hoping you understand better this time. You mention we should not go backward but should look to the future. I need to look in the past and heal the hurt.

It's important to me.

Robin P.S. If you are angry at me for something you felt I did to you, we can talk about that. I need you to take responsibility for running out on me, and the part about dad. Maybe you can't do that. Let me know.

A few months pa.s.sed, and several more letters were exchanged.

Then Robin's mother arranged to come and stay with her daughter for a week. I was out of town, but I called Robin the day before her mother was planning to return home to ask how the visit was going.

Robin said, "My mother has really tried to come through for me.

She stays up all night with the baby. Seeing how much she loves him and delights in him makes me love her even more."

I told Robin, "You don't know when you'll see your mother face to face again. Are there things you still want to say to her to try to clear the air?"

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"I haven't wanted to bring up the things that are bothering me,"

Robin said. "Everything is going so well. But the hurt lies buried deep inside me and-it's big."

I encouraged Robin not to let the opportunity pa.s.s. "I suggest you help your mother locate your pain," I told her. "I suggest you tell her exactly what you need to hear from her and not a.s.sume that because she hasn't put her feelings into words, the feelings aren't there, or that she doesn't want to share them with you."

The next week, Robin came in for her session and told me what happened. "Just before my mother left, I sat down with her and said, 'There's something still on my mind that I'd like to talk about. I'm not bringing it up to hurt you or punish you or make you feel guilty.

I'm bringing it up because I need to talk it out with you in order to feel closer to you-to heal me, and us. I'd like you to listen, and if you believe what I'm saying, I'd like you to tell me. OK?'

"My mother agreed. I told her, 'I need you to say two things to me. First, I need you to acknowledge that you left me when I was still a kid, when I still needed you, and that that was wrong. Second, when I told you about Dad and you called me a liar, you hurt me as much as he did. I'm not asking you to confirm what happened if you don't know the truth, but I need you to apologize for what you said to me.'

"My mother looked at me with tears in her eyes. 'Robin,' she said, 'I've been such an awful mother. There's so much I haven't been able to face. Yes, I left you when you needed me. Yes, you're not someone to lie about being raped. I'm so sorry. I hope some day you'll forgive me.'

"I reached out to her. 'I do,' I said. 'I do. It's time to start again.'"

Robin and her mother provide a poignant ill.u.s.tration of the regenerative power of earned forgiveness. The mother began the process when she told Robin she loved her and regretted the past.

Robin continued it when she told her mother she wanted to forgive her but couldn't, and wouldn't. The issue was not that Robin was unforgiving, but that she first needed her mother to come forward, take responsibility for the specific harm she had done, and apologize Genuine Forgiveness 123.

for it. Together they demonstrated that when those who hurt us reach out to heal us, reliably and repeatedly, and we support their efforts to bind our wounds, something extraordinary takes place- something transformative, something redemptive.

WHAT IS GENUINE FORGIVENESS?.

Unlike Refusing to Forgive, Cheap Forgiveness, or Acceptance, Genuine Forgiveness is essentially interpersonal. It requires the heartfelt partic.i.p.ation of both of you. Here are its three core interpersonal features.

1. Genuine Forgiveness Is a Transaction Genuine Forgiveness is not a pardon granted unilaterally by the hurt party. It's a shared venture, an exchange between two people bound together by an interpersonal violation. Genuine Forgiveness is not a pardon granted unilaterally by the hurt party. It's a shared venture, an exchange between two people bound together by an interpersonal violation.

2. Genuine Forgiveness Is Conditional Genuine Forgiveness must be earned. It comes with a price that the offender must be willing to pay. In exchange, the hurt party must allow him to settle his debt. As he works hard to earn forgiveness through genuine, generous acts of repentance and rest.i.tution, the hurt party works hard to let go of her resentment and need for retribution. If either one of you fails to do the requisite work, there can be no Genuine Forgiveness. Genuine Forgiveness must be earned. It comes with a price that the offender must be willing to pay. In exchange, the hurt party must allow him to settle his debt. As he works hard to earn forgiveness through genuine, generous acts of repentance and rest.i.tution, the hurt party works hard to let go of her resentment and need for retribution. If either one of you fails to do the requisite work, there can be no Genuine Forgiveness.

A patient named Jane made this point to her husband. Shortly after he admitted his affair, he told her, "I'll never do it again, and I don't want to talk about it-or your grievances-any more. It's ancient history." Jane's response cut to her bottom line: "If you don't want to hear my pain, I can't get close to you. I'm not trying to punish or manipulate you. I'm just telling you what I need to forgive you. It's a simple formula."

With Genuine Forgiveness, both of you address the question, "What am I willing to give in order to create a climate in which forgiveness is possible?" While the offender is never ent.i.tled ent.i.tled to be for-124 to be for-124 given, he is more likely to earn this currency if he attempts to repair the harm he caused. While the hurt party is never obligated obligated to forgive him, she is more likely to do so, and resuscitate the relationship, if she gives him a chance to make good. This provisional exchange, this "giving in order to get," lies at the heart of Genuine Forgiveness. to forgive him, she is more likely to do so, and resuscitate the relationship, if she gives him a chance to make good. This provisional exchange, this "giving in order to get," lies at the heart of Genuine Forgiveness.

3. Genuine Forgiveness Requires a Transfer of Vigilance After a traumatic injury, you, the hurt party, are likely to become hypervigilant, patrolling the border between you and the offender, making sure you'll never be violated or fooled again. You may live and breathe the injury, obsessed with its grubby details. The offender, in contrast, may want to repress, deny, or minimize his wrongful behavior. After a traumatic injury, you, the hurt party, are likely to become hypervigilant, patrolling the border between you and the offender, making sure you'll never be violated or fooled again. You may live and breathe the injury, obsessed with its grubby details. The offender, in contrast, may want to repress, deny, or minimize his wrongful behavior.

With Genuine Forgiveness, a profound shift in preoccupation takes place. You, the offender, demonstrate that you're fully conscious of your transgression and intend never to repeat it. You, the hurt party, become less preoccupied with the injury and begin to let it go.

Here's how one couple engaged in this process.

After Julia learned about her husband Evan's affair, he gave up the lover, recommitted himself to his wife, and worked hard to earn back her trust. On their twenty-fifth anniversary, he took her out to dinner to celebrate. The waitress came to the table and announced, "Hi. My name is Sandy, and I'm going to be your server tonight." Sandy happened to be the name of Evan's ex-girlfriend. Julia's mood plummeted, but Evan reached out to her and said, earnestly, "I'm sorry this is happening. I really wanted this to be a special evening for us. How are you doing?" Julia paused, then responded, "You just made it easier."

This is an example of a transfer of vigilance. Evan paid attention to Julia's suffering, and Julia in turn worked to let it go. If he had remained silent and let the moment pa.s.s, she might have sunk into depression. If she had bludgeoned him with reminders of his affair, he might have become cold and sullen. Over time, as Evan displayed a continued interest in her pain, mixed with compa.s.sion and contrition, and she responded with encouragement, they arrived at a place where she could say, "I believe you're sorry and will look out for me.

Your efforts allow me to open up to you and feel more trusting."

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As forgiveness expert Terry Hargrave points out, "Forgiveness is accomplished when the victimized person no longer has to hold the wrongdoer responsible for the injustice; the wrongdoer holds himself or herself responsible."1 Why Is Forgiveness More Genuine When It Is Earned?

I've learned from my patients over the years that forgiveness is more satisfying, more heartfelt, more natural-and therefore more genuine-when it is earned than when it is not. Why is this true? Perhaps for the same reason that when someone buys you a gift that shows he knows you and cherishes you, it's likely to mean more than a gift you bought for yourself. Perhaps also for the same reason that love is more gratifying, more nurturing, when it is embraced by both of you, not by one of you alone.

We are social beings, all vitally interconnected, and we are validated and redeemed when others provide a soothing balm to our wounds and work to release us from the pain they have caused us.

Healing, like love, flourishes in the context of a caring relationship. I I would go so far as to say that we can't love alone, and we can't forgive would go so far as to say that we can't love alone, and we can't forgive alone. alone.

What follows is a concrete vision-a series of specific, practical recommendations mapping out exactly what each of you needs to do to achieve Genuine Forgiveness. I hope it will help you embrace the challenging, critical tasks that lie ahead.

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WHAT YOU, THE OFFENDER , MUST DO.

T O EARN GENUINE FORGIVENESS.

Let me speak first to you, the offender, since, contrary to what you may believe, it is your repentance and atonement that usually open the door to forgiveness.

I have found that there are six critical tasks you must tackle to earn forgiveness. I can't say that if you don't do all six you won't ever be forgiven, but if you make a sincere attempt, you may give the hurt party the incentive and courage to forgive you. (I'm a.s.suming here that the person you hurt is physically and emotionally available to you; if she's deceased or otherwise inaccessible, you obviously can't earn her forgiveness.) SIX CRITICAL TASKS FOR EARNING.

FORGIVENESS.

Critical Task #1: Look at your mistaken a.s.sumptions about forgiveness and see how they block your efforts to earn it.

Critical Task #2: Bear witness to the pain you caused.

Critical Task #3: Apologize genuinely, non-defensively, responsibly.

Critical Task #4: Seek to understand your behavior and reveal the inglorious truth about yourself to the person you harmed.

Critical Task #5: Work to earn back trust.

Critical Task #6: Forgive yourself for injuring another person.

Healing a relationship takes work-serious, dedicated, n.o.ble work-and sacrifice. If you want something as precious, as sacred as the forgiveness of someone you've harmed-if you want to restore order to the chaos you've created and regain your place in her heart-you must be willing to pay, and pay big. Genuine Forgiveness is no gratuitous pardon. It must be earned.

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Critical Task #1: Look at your mistaken a.s.sumptions about forgiveness and see how they block your efforts to earn it. forgiveness and see how they block your efforts to earn it.

Are you unwilling to earn forgiveness because of your erroneous a.s.sumptions about what the process entails? Let's look at several common ones.

Mistaken a.s.sumption: I can't begin to earn forgiveness until I feel perfectly safe, comfortable, and ready. perfectly safe, comfortable, and ready.

You'll probably never feel completely safe, comfortable, and ready-how could you, when you have to submit to your accuser's judgment? Owning up to her is bound to make you squirm. If not now, however, when?

The Jewish Prayer Book, the Mahzor for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Mahzor for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, Kippur, tells the story of Rabbi Eliezer who advised his congregants to repent one day before their death. "But who knows when he will die?" a follower asked. Eliezer replied, "That's exactly why you should repent today."2 To this I would add, "Don't live your life as though the person you offended will be around forever, either. Apologize now while you still have a chance." tells the story of Rabbi Eliezer who advised his congregants to repent one day before their death. "But who knows when he will die?" a follower asked. Eliezer replied, "That's exactly why you should repent today."2 To this I would add, "Don't live your life as though the person you offended will be around forever, either. Apologize now while you still have a chance."

Mistaken a.s.sumption: I deserve to be forgiven.

So much is written exhorting the injured party to forgive, and so little about what you, the offender, need to do to deserve this offering. It's no wonder that you may think of forgiveness as a gift you're ent.i.tled to receive.

We hear the commandment (Leviticus, 19:18) to those who have been hurt: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." We recall Alexander Pope's famous words, "To err is human, to forgive divine." Jesus enjoined his followers to "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven. . . . For if you love [only] those who love you, what reward do you have?"3 The hurt party is taught that her act of forgiving will bring her significant emotional and physical benefits. According to the International Forgiveness Inst.i.tute, "The forgiver discovers the paradox 128 of forgiveness: As we give to others the gifts of mercy, generosity, and moral love, we ourselves are healed."4 Lewis Smedes, author of several books on forgiveness, writes that as you forgive, "You set a prisoner free, but you discover that the real prisoner was yourself."5 Elsewhere Smedes writes: "The first and sometimes only person to get the benefits of forgiving is the person who does the forgiving."6 We grow up linking human forgiveness with G.o.d's grace.