Are my ideas accurate? The truth is, George did a lot for the family today. He took the kids to the park and weeded the garden while they played in the yard. He didn't hang the plants, he told me later, because he didn't feel comfortable being on a ladder with power 166 The truth is, George did a lot for the family today. He took the kids to the park and weeded the garden while they played in the yard. He didn't hang the plants, he told me later, because he didn't feel comfortable being on a ladder with power 166 tools while the kids were running around him. He put the computer on for a minute while the kids were eating a snack.

Are my ideas useful? I jump to conclusions and polarize us-I'm perfect, he's a b.u.m. I work hard, he's lazy. Then I speak to him with contempt, which makes him hate me and want to do even less. I jump to conclusions and polarize us-I'm perfect, he's a b.u.m. I work hard, he's lazy. Then I speak to him with contempt, which makes him hate me and want to do even less.

Is my response typical of me? Yes. I need to calm down and watch my tone of voice. I grew up in a family very different from George's, where conflict was handled differently. What seems benign to me is lethal to him-and to us. I get revved up too fast and lash out. Yes. I need to calm down and watch my tone of voice. I grew up in a family very different from George's, where conflict was handled differently. What seems benign to me is lethal to him-and to us. I get revved up too fast and lash out.

What could I do differently? I could ask him what happened rather than a.s.sume the worst. I could ask him when he could get the work done. This is important to him. I have to make it important to me. Changing the way he wants me to change won't hurt me. In fact, I'd feel better about myself if I tried. I could ask him what happened rather than a.s.sume the worst. I could ask him when he could get the work done. This is important to him. I have to make it important to me. Changing the way he wants me to change won't hurt me. In fact, I'd feel better about myself if I tried.

By getting at the ideas behind her behavior, critiquing them and providing new, more constructive responses, Maria demonstrated that she was serious about becoming a more responsive partner.

What she said, in effect, was, "For you to forgive me, it's not enough for me to apologize or own up to my behavior. I need to change the way I treat you. I want to do this. I will work to make it happen."

3. Realization notes Realization Notes are brief cards or E-mails you send to the hurt party to demonstrate that you're disturbed by your behavior and are trying to change. Filling them out allows you to go beyond general expressions of regret or promises of change and share specific insights into yourself that make your repentance more credible.

A patient, Victor, was a typical conflict avoider. When something bothered him, he either didn't process it consciously or he extinguished his feelings, telling himself that speaking up would do no good, that his wife would just feel criticized and retaliate. For years, he stored up his grievances, layer upon layer.

167.

After fifteen years of marriage, Victor had an affair with a woman he met on the Internet. When his wife, Beth, found out- their college-age son had been secretly reading Victor's p.o.r.no-graphic E-mails for months-Victor felt sick with shame and agreed to do a number of things to make his wife feel safe and cherished. One was to fill out Realization Notes.

First, Victor listened to what Beth most needed him to do to restore trust. She told him, "I want to know when you're unhappy.

You're always very nice to me, very giving, very involved. But I don't know what goes on inside you. How can I tell when something I do pushes you away? I need you to come to me, to tell me me -not someone else. Not some stranger. Not even some therapist." -not someone else. Not some stranger. Not even some therapist."

So Victor began to work on this-to take an interest in his feelings and write about them in a journal every day, fighting back his natural inclination to stifle conflict. When something bothered him, he wrote out a Realization Note and gave it to Beth.

One day he brought home flowers from the supermarket. "The flowers there really aren't very fresh," Beth reminded him. "And, for future reference, we need two bunches to fill the vase."

Victor paused to register what he felt. In the past he would have held onto his anger until he had calmed down enough to bury it. This time, he wrote Beth a card that said, "It's hard for me to admit this- I'm so used to letting conflict go. Your comment made me feel kicked in the b.u.t.t. Say what you want about the flowers, but I need to hear that you appreciate my efforts. I need to be able to please you."

Beth p.r.i.c.kled when she read the card. But she also saw it as an act of contrition and intimacy. "It's better than having you bottle up your feelings and express them in bed with someone else," she told him.

4. Plan a recommitment ceremony.

It's important to take the initiative here and plan the details in a way that says, "This is something I believe in and choose to do." You can conduct the ceremony in front of your children, relatives, or close friends, but not necessarily in a public forum.

168.

You may begin by reading out loud what you promise to do for the person you hurt, taking responsibility for the future of the relationship and the reestablishment of a secure, caring bond. You may say, for example, "I promise to rededicate myself to making you feel safe and cherished. I promise to give up alcohol and attend AA meetings at least six times a week. I promise not to bury my feelings but to talk to you when I'm feeling hurt or annoyed." The other partner then makes promises of her own.

All these exercises are designed to help you make the hurt party feel safe, valued, and cared for, and deepen the forgiveness process.

Time alone won't warm the s.p.a.ce between you.

Critical Task #6: Forgive yourself for injuring another person another person When you hurt someone, you debase yourself. When you work to earn that person's forgiveness, you not only honor her, you bring honor to yourself. A "spiritual convalescence"26 takes place when you meet your obligation to confront and correct the damage you caused another human being.

What Do You Need to Forgive Yourself For?

Here are some behaviors for which you may want to forgive yourself: * You overreacted to someone and responded in hurtful or vindictive ways.

* You treated someone unjustly because you were treated unjustly. You subjected her to the same abuse you experienced as a child.

* You humiliated another person to prop up your own shaky self-esteem.

* You treated someone with contempt for not living up to your impossible standards.

* You acted poorly toward someone because you couldn't face your own guilt and complicity.

169.

* You failed to get your addiction under control, then compromised the safety and well-being of those around you.

* You deliberately broke promises or broke the law.

For these and other ways in which you harmed others and compromised yourself, I encourage you to apologize, seek repairs, and earn Genuine Self-Forgiveness.

What Does It Take to Forgive Yourself?

There's a good deal of controversy over what's required of you, the offender, to forgive yourself. Is Self-Forgiveness a free, unconditional gift to yourself, or is it a prize you need to work hard to earn?

Is it a healing balm for your guilt that inspires you to do better, or is it a convenient anesthetic that dulls your awareness of the pain you caused and lessens your responsibility for it? How much of the process goes on in your own head, and how much goes on in interaction with the person you violated? What I would argue, contrary to popular belief, is that Self-Forgiveness can and must be earned, and that as you perform meaningful acts of repair, you heal yourself.

You can approach Self-Forgiveness in four ways.

Approach 1: You refuse to forgive yourself.

Some of you won't forgive yourselves for what you did, no matter how remorseful or repentant you are, no matter whether the person you hurt forgives you or not. This response is unhealthy, heightening your depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.27 When you relentlessly, oppressively incriminate yourself, there's no room for atonement or redemption, and there's no penance demanding enough to release you from your guilt. As Harriet Lerner points out, "How can we apologize for something we are, rather than something we did?"28 A thirty-five-year-old lawyer, Jon, is a case in point. After sleeping with his wife's sister, he felt so wretched and impaired that he couldn't work to renew his marriage. A crushed soul, he believed he deserved to be punished forever and moved out of the house. He 170 and his wife stayed in therapy, though, where he continued to embrace his share of blame. Over time, his wife invited him to return home and work on starting a family, but he refused. "I don't think I'd be a good enough father," he told me. "I don't think the kid would love me, or that I'd love him enough." Jon's inability to see himself in a merciful, benevolent light-as a person worthy of loving and being loved-blocked him from doing the work necessary to seek his wife's forgiveness. Eventually, she gave up on him and filed for divorce. She arranged for artificial insemination and had her child without him. Jon dropped out of therapy. Today he lives alone, dominated by shame and a sense of worthlessness.

Approach 2: You forgive yourself too easily (Cheap Self-Forgiveness).

You may have grown up believing that whenever you hurt someone, that person has a moral obligation to forgive you, and you, in turn, have the right to forgive yourself -to treat yourself with the same compa.s.sion and generosity of spirit she extends to you. The emphasis is on making you, the offender, feel better rather than on making you be better. And so, with no compunction to work for forgiveness, you gift yourself an easy, mindless subst.i.tute.

Forgiving yourself too quickly, without understanding your behavior or making amends directly to the person you injured, is a shallow and expedient way to release yourself from suffering. This unearned Self-Forgiveness represents "the new opiate that not only blinds [you]

to [your] faults, but makes those faults all the more likely to occur without guilt."29 Relieved of a moral conscience, you choose a superficial sense of well-being over self-awareness or personal growth.

Some of us feel so good when we forgive ourselves that we want to sin again just so that we can be forgiven again-particularly when our forgiveness demands so little of us. Some people, according to Marshal Frady, sin repeatedly in order to experience "the soul-regenerating wonder of forgiveness and redemption."30 In his biography of Martin Luther King, Jr., Frady honors Dr. King's immense social achievements but posits a spiraling need to engage in "indulgences" and "s.e.xual corsairing" in order to experience the Genuine Forgiveness 171.

subsequent spiritual cleansing that comes with contrition. "It may not be too fanciful to suggest," Frady a.s.serts, that King "was driven to crucify himself over and over again on a cross of guilt with his secret licentiousness in order to renew his soul with the experience of yet another resurrection into grace and restoration to his high calling."31 You may believe that Self-Forgiveness motivates you to confront and correct the wrong you did. But often the reverse is true. As Solomon Schimmel points out in his brilliant book Wounds Not Wounds Not Healed By Time, Healed By Time, "There is greater moral danger than moral promise when self-forgiveness is encouraged in someone who has a weak conscience, with low levels of guilt and shame after having transgressed. Such a person needs more guilt and shame, not less."32 In other words, Cheap Self-Forgiveness may release you from the need to confront and relieve the suffering you caused. "There is greater moral danger than moral promise when self-forgiveness is encouraged in someone who has a weak conscience, with low levels of guilt and shame after having transgressed. Such a person needs more guilt and shame, not less."32 In other words, Cheap Self-Forgiveness may release you from the need to confront and relieve the suffering you caused.

I once attended a Sunday morning service led by an Episcopalian minister. Inviting the congregation to rise, he asked each of us to think about someone we had harmed and then to recite the Lord's Prayer. As we sat down, smiling warmly to ourselves and each other, I thought to myself, "Easy enough!" On some level, I felt cleansed. But on another, I felt dishonest, and asked myself, "Why doesn't the minister tell us, 'Now, when you leave this sanctuary, go to the person you wronged and apologize'?" I felt let off the hook and questioned whether my forgiving myself in this quick-fix way would inspire me to undertake the hard work of repair.

Approach 3: You forgive yourself after taking responsibility for your actions, but without making amends to the person you harmed. actions, but without making amends to the person you harmed.

When you follow this model, developed by forgiveness expert Robert Enright, you confront and criticize yourself for wronging another person, and replace "self-resentment" with "compa.s.sion, generosity, and love" toward yourself.33 However, you feel no obligation to extend yourself to the hurt party or make reparations. This, I contend, leaves out a critical element of Self-Forgiveness and makes it cheap.

172.

Approach 4: You forgive yourself, but only after taking responsibility for your actions and making amends. for your actions and making amends.

When you apologize directly to the person you hurt, your Self-Forgiveness is likely to feel more deserved and therefore more genuine. You're also more likely to learn and grow from the experience, and reduce the chance that you'll repeat the offense.

What happens, however, when the person you hurt is dead or otherwise unavailable? If Genuine Self-Forgiveness must be earned, where does that leave you? Can you still forgive yourself? I would say yes, there's much you can still do to acknowledge your violation, demonstrate contrition to the world and to yourself, and make yourself feel whole. These indirect acts of repair won't rehabilitate the relationship, but they may help you rehabilitate yourself. However, when you can't make good directly to the person you harmed, your Self-Forgiveness is unlikely to feel entirely satisfying, cleansing, or complete.

Gandhi once taught a man how to forgive himself, even though his victim was dead. The man, a Hindu fanatic, had smashed the head of a Muslim child against a wall in retaliation for the murder of his own son, and he was smitten with grief. "I know a way out of h.e.l.l," Gandhi said. "Find a child. A child whose mother and father have been killed . . . and raise him as your own. Only be sure that he is a Muslim and that you raise him as one."34 Adopting the boy would have been a relatively easy pay-back. Raising him as a Muslim, however, would have forced the Hindu to acknowledge, day after day, that no group of people, no set of beliefs, is inherently superior to another-a realization that "would redeem him and allow him to experience himself as human again."35 Should the person you harmed be unavailable to you, you can follow Gandhi's advice: humble yourself and pay penance daily, in a way that relates directly to your offense. This may help you restore your shattered sense of decency and self-respect-a crucial step toward Self-Forgiveness. You can also feel sorrow for yourself as the victim of conditions that triggered the worst in you-another component of Self-Forgiveness.

173.

Another question arises: What happens when the person you hurt is available but refuses to forgive you, no matter how earnestly you try to make repairs? Can you still forgive yourself? Here again I would say "yes . . . but"-and for the same reasons. Yes, Yes, you can still reach out unilaterally and make reparations that are humbling, self-challenging, and directly related to the suffering you caused. you can still reach out unilaterally and make reparations that are humbling, self-challenging, and directly related to the suffering you caused. But But your Self-Forgiveness is likely to feel more tentative, less solid, when the hurt party won't honor your efforts. your Self-Forgiveness is likely to feel more tentative, less solid, when the hurt party won't honor your efforts.

A Model for Earning Self-Forgiveness I propose the following five-stage model for earning Self-Forgiveness: Stage 1: Self-confrontation. You confront the wrong you did and the harm you caused. You strip away all self-righteous rationaliza-tions, all self-serving justifications and excuses, and try to pry open the truth. It may help to ask the injured person to fill in the blanks and tell you exactly how your behavior scarred her. You confront the wrong you did and the harm you caused. You strip away all self-righteous rationaliza-tions, all self-serving justifications and excuses, and try to pry open the truth. It may help to ask the injured person to fill in the blanks and tell you exactly how your behavior scarred her.

Stage 2: Self-appraisal. You sharply criticize your words and actions, knowing that they violated another person and failed to represent you at your best. But you also put what you did in perspective, acknowledging that you're more than your transgressions, and identifying those aspects of yourself that you value. As you earn forgiveness, you remind yourself that your efforts to make amends are also part of who you are and what you're capable of. You sharply criticize your words and actions, knowing that they violated another person and failed to represent you at your best. But you also put what you did in perspective, acknowledging that you're more than your transgressions, and identifying those aspects of yourself that you value. As you earn forgiveness, you remind yourself that your efforts to make amends are also part of who you are and what you're capable of.

Stage 3: Self-compa.s.sion. You probe the reasons for your behavior, uncovering all the factors-the stresses, personality traits, biological influences, formative life experiences-that add up to the person you are today. This self-scrutiny is meant not to excuse what you did but to help you feel compa.s.sion for yourself and open the door to change. You probe the reasons for your behavior, uncovering all the factors-the stresses, personality traits, biological influences, formative life experiences-that add up to the person you are today. This self-scrutiny is meant not to excuse what you did but to help you feel compa.s.sion for yourself and open the door to change.

Stage 4: Self-transformation. You do what you can to make good- You do what you can to make good- directly to the person you harmed, when possible. Your tasks include confronting your resistance to earning forgiveness; paying attention to the pain you caused; apologizing genuinely, non-defensively, and responsibly; unveiling the truth of your behavior (what it says about you); and working to earn back trust.

174.

Stage 5: Self-integration. You accept that you can never make right what you did wrong, but you let your acts of repentance and repair transform the way you feel, know, and treat yourself. You don't necessarily replace feelings of self-hate with self-love, but you give yourself permission-and cause-to feel less estranged from yourself, more integrated, more whole. You continue to accept culpability for your misdeeds, but you give up the need to continually punish and despise yourself for them. You strive to create a new life narrative that incorporates your transgression, but in a way that adds meaning and purpose to your life. As you release those you hurt from their pain, you release yourself from your pain. You accept that you can never make right what you did wrong, but you let your acts of repentance and repair transform the way you feel, know, and treat yourself. You don't necessarily replace feelings of self-hate with self-love, but you give yourself permission-and cause-to feel less estranged from yourself, more integrated, more whole. You continue to accept culpability for your misdeeds, but you give up the need to continually punish and despise yourself for them. You strive to create a new life narrative that incorporates your transgression, but in a way that adds meaning and purpose to your life. As you release those you hurt from their pain, you release yourself from your pain.

In Conclusion As I wrote in After the Affair, After the Affair, "Self-forgiveness doesn't relieve you of responsibility for your words or actions, but it may release you from self-contempt and from a 'crippling sense of badness' that makes you believe, 'I can't do better.' With Self-Forgiveness, you bring a gentle compa.s.sion to your understanding of who you are and why you acted the way you did, and reclaim what you most value in yourself."36 "Self-forgiveness doesn't relieve you of responsibility for your words or actions, but it may release you from self-contempt and from a 'crippling sense of badness' that makes you believe, 'I can't do better.' With Self-Forgiveness, you bring a gentle compa.s.sion to your understanding of who you are and why you acted the way you did, and reclaim what you most value in yourself."36 I would add that Self-Forgiveness is not just about feeling acquit-ted or absolved-it is certainly not just about feeling better. Princi-pally, it is about trying to earn redemption from those you damaged and working to make them them feel better. The two goals are intertwined, since the work you do to heal them helps you heal yourself. I would argue, therefore, against the concept of Self-Forgiveness as a private offering to yourself, an internal reckoning with what you did wrong. I encourage you to see it, rather, as a process that begins when you admit your complicity and make amends directly to the person you harmed. feel better. The two goals are intertwined, since the work you do to heal them helps you heal yourself. I would argue, therefore, against the concept of Self-Forgiveness as a private offering to yourself, an internal reckoning with what you did wrong. I encourage you to see it, rather, as a process that begins when you admit your complicity and make amends directly to the person you harmed.

As you seek to earn her forgiveness, you're likely to experience your own in a way that is bolder, more substantial, and more instructive than when it is gifted only by yourself, to yourself.

175.

WHAT YOU, THE HURT PART Y, MUST DO.

T O GRAN T FORGIVENESS.

Yes, the offender must work hard to earn forgiveness-to prove the sincerity of his remorse, to right his wrong, to salve your wound. But forgiveness is a two-person project. There can be no healing if he reaches out to you and you cut off his hand.

Three Critical Tasks for Granting Forgiveness I'm not saying that you must or should forgive him. But if you're going to consider this option, here's what you must do. I'm not saying that you must or should forgive him. But if you're going to consider this option, here's what you must do.

Critical Task #1: Look at your mistaken a.s.sumptions about forgiveness and see how they stop you from granting it.

Critical Task #2: Complete all ten steps of Acceptance-not alone, but with the offender's help.

Critical Task #3: Create opportunities for the offender to make good and help you heal.

Let's examine each of these critical tasks.

Critical Task #1: Look at your mistaken a.s.sumptions about forgiveness and see how they stop you from granting it. forgiveness and see how they stop you from granting it.

Here are several erroneous a.s.sumptions you may have made about forgiveness. Each may sabotage your willingness to forgive.

Mistaken a.s.sumption: I can't enter into the process of forgiving until I feel perfectly safe, comfortable, and ready. until I feel perfectly safe, comfortable, and ready.

No matter how penitent the offender is, you may never feel quite ready to forgive him. If you wait until you are, however, you're likely to wait out your life, or the life of the relationship. Therefore, even if you have reservations, you might consider giving him a tentative green light to prove himself. This means letting him know 176 that if he works to make amends, you'll work to open yourself up to him and not play out your doubts and anxieties with each interaction. Remain negative and dismissive, and he'll eventually give up on you or react in kind-and then what have you gained?

Mistaken a.s.sumption: Forgiveness is a unilateral pardon; I shouldn't ask for anything in return. shouldn't ask for anything in return.

"Forgiveness can't be earned," argues Karlotta Shanahan, M.A., LCMHC, in a thoughtful letter she wrote to me after one of my infidelity workshops. "I agree that the unfaithful or offending partner needs to work to regain trust and to demonstrate his desire to restore the relationship, and that he needs to be willing to hold the pain for the hurt partner, but those behaviors cannot earn forgiveness. He can earn trust, and he can earn healing. But forgiveness [occurs] when the partner who has been hurt says, 'I give up my right to hurt you for hurting me.'"

This traditional belief-that forgiveness is unconditional-has been championed in the psychological literature by Robert Enright and the International Forgiveness Inst.i.tute. Enright draws on the work of Kohlberg37 to map out stages of forgiveness that reflect our moral development. The "lowest" end of the hierarchy is what he refers to as "revengeful forgiveness": "I can forgive someone who wrongs me only if I can punish him or her to a similar degree to my own pain." The next stage is "rest.i.tutional forgiveness": "If I get back what was taken away from me, then I can forgive." The "highest"

stage is "forgiveness as love": "I forgive unconditionally because it promotes a true sense of love. Because I must truly care for each person, a hurtful act on his or her part does not alter that sense of love."38 My concern with this a.s.sumption-that if you are a morally and psychologically developed human being, you'll gift forgiveness unconditionally-is that it closes the door on forgiveness for many of us. "Why look only to me to forgive an unrepentant offender?"

you wonder. "Why not urge him him to relieve the suffering he caused to relieve the suffering he caused me me and help and help me me forgive forgive him him?" For many of you, granting forgiveness unilaterally seems divine-but not for you.

177.

Beverly Flanigan, clinical professor at the University of Wiscon-sin School of Social Work, captures the difference between a one-sided pardon and the interactive quality of Genuine Forgiveness when she a.s.serts, "Forgiveness takes work. Pardoning is conferred.

The forgiver frees herself of hatred, but does not free the injurer of responsibility."39 I would add that a pardon is a gift that asks nothing of the offender. Forgiveness, in contrast, comes with a price and must be earned.

Mistaken a.s.sumption: Forgiveness happens immediately.

Forgiveness is often thought of as an instant transformation, something that happens all at once. This idea has been reinforced by the work of Frederick DiBlasio, professor of social work at the University of Maryland. He recommends a single cathartic "forgiveness session" lasting up to six hours during which the victim and perpetrator come together under his guidance to redress the injury.

This approach has much to recommend it. You discuss the injury together-the facts, the attendant feelings, the consequences.

The offender flushes out secrets from his past and commits himself to concrete acts of atonement. The danger is that you may end up feeling pressured to forgive and reconcile before both of you have fully appreciated the damage that was done. The offender's efforts to earn your forgiveness may then amount to nothing more than a quick fix.

At what point does forgiveness really take place? For most of us, it's a gradual process that unfolds in stages as the offender apologizes and delivers on his promise never to harm you again. It may take time for your emotions to catch up to your decision to forgive, and for you to believe that his efforts are trustworthy.

Some of you may grant forgiveness almost immediately if the offender steps forward with sincere, substantive acts of repentance.

Others may grant it suddenly, but not until years later. It took one patient, Annie, fifteen minutes to forgive her former mother-in-law Linda for an injury that had happened nineteen years earlier.

"When Tom divorced me and went off with the baby-sitter, his 178 mother, Linda, cut me off," Annie told me. "She never called. She never reached out to me or acknowledged me again. We had been very close. Overnight it was like I had never existed. I thought there must be something wrong with me."

Almost two decades later, when Linda's husband died, Annie decided to pay her a condolence call. "Linda greeted me with a big hug," Annie recalled. "She asked me about my career and my husband. Then she took me aside and whispered that there was something she wanted to say. With tears in her eyes, she said, 'You know I always loved you. When Tom left you, he was so angry. He said terrible things about you-that you were trying to steal the family business, that you were trying to take custody of the kids. He couldn't tolerate my having a relationship with you. I felt torn. But he was my son. He seemed so fragile, so I stood by him and left you out in the cold. Now I'm in the cold, and I know how lonely that can feel. I'm sorry for any hurt I caused you.'

"Since the divorce, Linda has always been decent to my kids,"

Annie conceded, "taking them on trips, supporting their education.

I learned to accept her. But it's only now, hearing her admit how bad she feels for hurting me, that I can think of forgiving her. It took her nineteen years, but that doesn't make her apology any less significant or powerful."

Mistaken a.s.sumption: Forgiveness is perfect and complete.

You may also refuse to forgive if you a.s.sume that forgiveness must be 100 percent. Treating it as an all-or-nothing proposition, you may feel forced into a corner and conclude, "I'm far from yes, so I must say no." Such rigid, categorical thinking doesn't allow for a response that's in between, but "in between" is where most of us reside.

You may forgive 5 percent when he first apologizes and 65 percent as he demonstrates his remorse. But 35 percent may always remain unforgivable. That may be fine. Who's to say how much forgiveness is sufficient? Whatever the percentage, I encourage you to consider a model that allows for partial partial forgiveness, for forgiving forgiveness, for forgiving enough enough.

179.