How Can I Forgive You?

Janis A. Spring.

Acknowledgments.

Any book on forgiveness should begin at home. I ask our children and family-Max, Aaron, Evan, Declan, Robin, Caleb, and Dad-to please forgive Michael and me for being so grossly preoccupied and unavailable these last two years as we threw ourselves into this book project. We intend to work hard to earn your forgiveness by showing you how much we love you in the years ahead.

Is there any activity more intimate than writing a book with your life partner? Michael, I forgive you, once again, for taking what I often believed to be an excellent (no, perfect) pa.s.sage from my ma.n.u.script, and asking me to ask myself your four signature questions: "Is this interesting? Is it important? Does it follow? Is there a way of saying it with one word-one syllable-rather than two?" I forgive you for (almost) always being right, as annoying as that is. It has been a wonderful collaboration, filled with intimate battles over transitions and ways to bring abstract psychological concepts down to earth.

To Gail Winston, my remarkable editor at HarperCollins, thank you for your sensitive editing and good nature. To Jo-Lynne Worley, my agent, thank you for your enthusiastic support and thoughtful feedback. I'm touched that both of you voluntarily subjected yourself to one of my six-hour courses on trust and forgiveness, and appreciate your genuine interest in me and my work. My thanks as well to Christine Walsh for your patient, reliable a.s.sistance at HarperCollins.

Rabbi Israel Stein of Congregation Rodeph Sholom in Bridge-port, Connecticut, thank you for repeatedly meeting with Michael and me and offering us your profound wisdom and sweet encouragement. I hunted hard for a rabbi who would shake me out of my indifference, help me bind my wounds, and inspire me to live more consciously. I found that person in you. You're a gifted, original thinker and a warm, dear friend. Forgive me for quoting you so often throughout this book.

Reverend Gary Wilburn of The First Presbyterian Church of New Canaan, Connecticut, thank you for making yourself available to me, even though I was a total stranger to you. You generously welcomed me into your office and shared your provocative and humane thoughts about forgiveness. Your congregation is fortunate to have a spiritual leader who cares so deeply about their suffering, and looks for profound spiritual answers to interpersonal grievances.

Sometimes inspiration comes from unlikely sources. Michael and I would agree that the two houses we rented to complete this book provided a setting for our most productive, creative, happy moments. We want to thank Mary and Dan Maffia for letting us use their amazing house on the Cape; and Emily and Albert Foss-brenner of Yardley, Pennsylvania, for their writer's cottage, which we occupied over Thanksgiving, and then, for going way beyond the cause, and insisting that we feast with them in their home for the holiday.

There have been many mentors who have shaped me personally and professionally. Harriet Lerner, whom I once admired from a distance for her warm, funny, wise voice, has become a close friend who has pushed me to trust my own voice. Aaron Beck trained me in cognitive-behavior therapy and gave me a framework for helping people shed their emotional pain. And Jeffrey Young permitted me to adapt his schema therapy model to the process of forgiveness. I thank all of you for the central role you've played in my writing this book.

Of course, there would be no book without my patients. I'm indebted to you for allowing me to witness and partic.i.p.ate in your Acknowledgments Acknowledgments bold search for an emotionally authentic response to your intimate wounds. You brought to life for me the wisdom of psychotherapist Jeanne Safer, who wrote, "Sometimes what people really need is permission not to forgive, to feel what they feel." Your struggle to find a resolution that's healthy and human-one that doesn't require you to forgive an unrepentant offender -inspired me to suggest a radical alternative-Acceptance. You taught me that your decision not to forgive "need not foreclose resolution; it may be the step that makes it possible."1 You also taught me that sometimes what the hurt party really needs is permission to to forgive-to reframe forgiveness as an act of courage, not desperation or self-denial. forgive-to reframe forgiveness as an act of courage, not desperation or self-denial.

Finally, I want to thank the forgiveness experts who have laid the groundwork. It has been said that those who tend to be more open-minded tend to be more forgiving. I hope that those whose ideas I've challenged will be open-minded and forgive me, and continue a dialogue with me-a search for a working model of forgiveness that serves real people seeking to survive and transcend the misery of real-life transgressions.

Introduction.

IS FORGIVENESS GOOD FOR YOU?.

T here's a wonderful story about two kids playing in a sandbox together. One gets mad and storms off with his toy truck. As he runs to the swings nearby, he turns and cries out to his playmate, "I hate your guts and I'm never going to talk to you again." About ten minutes pa.s.s, and they're throwing a ball at each other, laughing, enjoying the day. As their parents observe this interaction, one father shakes his head and says to the other with a mix of admiration and amazement, "How do kids do that? How can they be at each other's throat one minute and get along with each other so famously the next?"

"It's easy," the other father explains. "They choose happiness over righteousness."1 I love this story. It's so filled with the bounty of the human spirit, with affirmation of our ability to adapt, to resolve our petty disputes and focus on what really matters most to us in life. We are social beings who need each other, who inherently prefer to repair interpersonal ruptures than to hate or hold a grudge. Most of us want, and like, to forgive.

The problem with the sandbox story is that it's about children who reconcile after an insignificant grievance. It's not about what happens 2 How Can I Forgive You?

between two adults when one willfully and maliciously hurts the other, and the hurt party is left to grapple with how to forgive or reconcile with the offender. That's a much more complex story.

Some of us believe we have an obligation to forgive, unconditionally, categorically, and that to do so is central to what it means to be a decent human being. Most of us, however, can't live up to such high moral principles except in theory, or feel that we would compromise ourselves if we did. We can't-and won't-just dust off an injury, pretend that nothing happened, and embrace the person who injured us.

Regardless of what we may have been taught, a quick, one-sided, kiss-and-make-up response doesn't seem real or right. For Genuine Forgiveness to take place, we often need much more.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FORGIVE?.

Most of us have been raised on several dubious a.s.sumptions that need to be debunked. Let's look at them.

Questionable a.s.sumption #1: Forgiving is good for you.

When you forgive, you get rid of the poison inside you and restore your health. When you refuse to forgive, you get restore your health. When you refuse to forgive, you get sick and suffer. sick and suffer.

Forgiving has been marketed as the new mental and physical panacea-a healing balm that cures every ailment: depression, anxiety, chronic hostility, high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, cancer, and immune deficiencies. It has also been said to repair broken hearts, broken relationships, a broken sense of self. "Forgiving is the only remedy for the pain the offender left us with, the only way to heal the hurt he caused,"2 writes Lewis Smedes in The Art of Forgiving The Art of Forgiving.

My patients have taught me otherwise. Watching them recover from interpersonal injuries has shown me that: * you can heal yourself and clear your head of emotional sludge-resentment, rage, hurt and shame-with or without forgiving; * you can release your bitter and obsessive preoccupation with getting even-with or without forgiving; * you can make peace with yourself and come to terms with what happened-with or without forgiving; and * you can get back together if you choose, without selling yourself short-with or without forgiving.

You can do all this for yourself and by yourself, even if the offender is unapologetic, even if he refuses to acknowledge your pain or apply a drop of salve to your wound-even if he has pa.s.sed on.

How Can I Forgive You? shows you how. shows you how.

Questionable a.s.sumption #2: Forgiving is the only spiritually and morally sound response to violation. spiritually and morally sound response to violation.

We grow up a.s.suming that forgiving is key to a caring, principled life. But I've learned that you don't need forgiveness to be merciful and feel empathy, even compa.s.sion, for the person who hurt you. You can see him as a flawed human being, treat him with unmerited benevolence, and try to understand why he acted the way he did-all without forgiving him.

Morally and spiritually, you're no more required to forgive an unrepentant offender than you are to love him. You're free to reserve forgiveness for someone who has the fort.i.tude to admit his culpability and the decency to help release you from the pain he has made you suffer. I would go so far as to say that you don't restore your your humanity when you forgive an unapologetic offender; he restores humanity when you forgive an unapologetic offender; he restores his his humanity when he works to earn your forgiveness. humanity when he works to earn your forgiveness.

Questionable a.s.sumption #3: You have only two choices - forgiving and not forgiving.

Most self-help books reinforce the conventional a.s.sumption that even when the offender is unrepentant, you have only two options: Forgiving and Not Forgiving. Forced to choose between them, you either dismiss your pain and forgive those who don't deserve it, or you say no to forgiveness and find yourself trapped in a "prison of hate." 3 For years I listened to patients caught in this dilemma and realized that there had to be another solution. The language of forgiveness needed a vocabulary to describe what real people with real injuries do when they make peace with a person who won't apologize. As Rabbi Susan Schnur points out, such rigid categories-forgiving and not forgiving-"make a mockery of the complex continuum or resolution in the aftermath of a betrayal. We may partially forgive, vengefully forgive, contingently forgive, not forgive yet reconcile. We may mourn yet not forgive, achieve understanding yet only forgive certain parts of the betrayal; become indifferent; become detached." 4 I began wondering, wouldn't it be wonderful if there were a way for us to release all the hate and hurt bundled up inside us, enjoy all the physical and mental health benefits of forgiveness, and live a just and humane life-all without having to forgive a recalcitrant offender? Isn't there something between the all-too-warm fuzziness of forgiving and the impenetrable coldness of Not Forgiving? Something that says "You don't have to hate the offender or exact a pound of flesh, but you don't have to forgive him either?"

How Can I Forgive You? describes this radical, new "something." describes this radical, new "something."

I call it Acceptance.

Acceptance is a responsible, authentic response to an interpersonal injury when the offender can't or won't engage in the healing process-when he's unwilling or unable to make good. It's a program of self-care, a generous and healing gift to yourself, accomplished by yourself, for yourself. It asks nothing of the offender.

Acceptance helps you: * place a premium on your own health and clear your head of emotional poison; * be true to yourself and honor the full force of the violation; * overcome fantasies of revenge while seeking a just resolution; * ensure your emotional and physical safety; * restore and integrate your valued self; * see yourself and the offender with objectivity, honesty, and equanimity; * forge a relationship with the offender that satisfies your personal goals; and * forgive yourself for your own failings that caused you harm.

What I'm suggesting is that we can get back in the sandbox if we choose, even when the other person does nothing to right the wrong he has done. We can opt for no relationship with this person, or a partial and imperfect one. We don't have to dwell on the injury, but we don't have to forget or minimize it either. We don't have to love or even like this person, but we can see him fairly and choose to get along, if that's in our best interest. We can be ourselves in his presence and accept that he'll never be anyone other than who he is.

We can even give him a chance to do better and earn Genuine Forgiveness if he chooses to rise to the challenge.

Questionable a.s.sumption #4: It is up to you, the person who was violated, to forgive. who was violated, to forgive.

So much of the literature on forgiveness has been written specif-ically for you, the hurt party, telling you what you you need to do to need to do to grant grant forgiveness, rather than telling the offender what forgiveness, rather than telling the offender what he he needs to do to needs to do to earn earn forgiveness. This single-minded focus, I believe, has compromised, twisted, and cheapened the process of forgiveness and created a saintly, abstract concept that many of us feel pressured to accept at any cost. forgiveness. This single-minded focus, I believe, has compromised, twisted, and cheapened the process of forgiveness and created a saintly, abstract concept that many of us feel pressured to accept at any cost.

The rest of us, however, are likely to choke on this idea and reject it as unrealistic, disingenuous, and unjust. We refuse to believe that it's real or right to have to shoulder the burden of forgiveness alone. We'd rather not forgive than forgive unilaterally.

I'm reminded of my patient's response when, in trying to help her recover from her partner's affair, I suggested that she consider medication to control her obsessions. "I have to deal with my shattered sense of self, my jealousy, my contempt," she raged. "And now you want me me to take drugs? What does to take drugs? What does he he have to do? Let have to do? Let him him take the drugs!" take the drugs!"

Many of you feel the same way about forgiveness. How unfair it 6 seems that the person who hurt you is typically not addressed by moralists or forgiveness experts. How odd that he's rarely called upon to make repairs. At the very least, shouldn't both of you be invited to do the work of forgiveness?

My book speaks mainly to you, the hurt party, about what you can do to recover from a profound injustice when the offender is unwilling or unable to make amends. But it also speaks to you, the offender, when you want to be involved in the healing process. There is, in fact, an entire section devoted to you and to what you must do to earn forgiveness-and perhaps, in the process, forgive yourself.

Questionable a.s.sumption #5: Forgiveness is an unconditional gift. It does not need to be earned. unconditional gift. It does not need to be earned.

The idea that you, the hurt party, should gift the offender your forgiveness, even when he's unapologetic and undeserving, is rooted in Christian ethics. In the New Testament, there are numerous exhortations to "love your enemy," to pardon those who hurt us because that's the merciful and compa.s.sionate thing to do. Christian or not, most of us grow up believing that forgiveness is required of us, without conditions.

Behind these teachings is an a.s.sumption that if you need something back from the offender in order to forgive-if you believe that forgiveness must be earned rather than gifted-you haven't fully developed as a moral being. The lesson is that you should feel small and ashamed for thinking you are ent.i.tled to rest.i.tution.

It's not my place to debate the ethics of unconditional forgiveness.

But my clinical experience working with patients over the past twenty-nine years, observing how people heal and what they need to heal, has taught me that they tend to react in one of three ways: * They reject the idea that when you forgive you ask for nothing in return, and then turn their back on forgiveness because it seems so skewed in favor of the offender.

* They subscribe to the religious concept of forgiveness and Introduction Introduction "gift" it to an unworthy offender, but then feel unresolved, perhaps even cheated or compromised.

* They say that they subscribe to the ideal of forgiveness, but then, when presented with a real-life situation, they refuse to forgive.

I've noticed that, whatever their reaction, people struggle to forgive in a way that allows them to maintain a sense of integrity and self-worth, and that they would like support, not just from a higher power, but from the offender himself. The popular notion that they're somehow inferior or undeveloped because they want the offender to redress the chaos he has inflicted on their life is particularly damaging to those who lack a healthy sense of ent.i.tlement. These are people who forgive too cheaply. For those with a stronger sense of themselves, the idea of forgiving unilaterally and unconditionally often seems misguided-a kind of self-sacrifice or self-immolation.

As I've said, you can choose by and for yourself to release an unrepentant offender from your hatred and your desire to harm him. You can gift him your good-will. You can work to see him objectively, fairly, even compa.s.sionately. You can accept him and ask nothing of him. But if you're going to offer him what I call Genuine Forgiveness, he's going to have to pay a price and join you in an intimate dance. In this unconventional approach to forgiveness, a hard-won transaction takes place as the two of you redress the injury together. Forgiveness is no gratuitous gift from the heart; it must be earned. As you, the offender, perform costly, humbling, heartfelt acts of repair, you, the hurt party, create opportunities for him to come forward and make good.

Questionable a.s.sumption #6: We all know how to forgive.

If only we open our hearts, forgiveness will flow.

Most self-help books talk abstractly and inspirationally about forgiveness as a "moral gift," 5 "a desire of the heart," 6 "a quality of life"7-but leave you wondering what exactly it means and how to make it happen. Often forgiveness is defined in such lofty, absolute terms that people can't grasp it, so they throw up their hands instead 8 and conclude, "It takes a person with a big heart to forgive-bigger than mine." Or they feel compelled to embrace the concept and make some meaningless, robotic gesture of goodwill.

The concept of forgiveness carries a heavy weight-more than it can bear. It means so many things to so many people who consider it from different frames of reference-from academicians influenced by grand theological teachings to secular researchers trying to reduce abstruse concepts into manageable, bite-size units that can be studied in laboratory settings. What has evolved is a mishmash of concepts that often do nothing more than confuse and pressure those who are seeking relief from suffering. What is missing is a concrete, down-to-earth vision of forgiveness-one that is human and attainable.

I've had the opportunity to observe people firsthand in my clinical practice and to witness their struggles to forgive and be forgiven.

The model I developed has grown organically as I've listened to and observed how real people heal after real interpersonal injuries. The examples you will read ring true because they are true.

Questionable a.s.sumption #7: Self-Forgiveness doesn't require you, the offender, to make amends to the person require you, the offender, to make amends to the person you harmed. It's a gift to yourself. you harmed. It's a gift to yourself.

The topic of Self-Forgiveness takes us deep into uncharted waters.

Advocates of Self-Forgiveness often describe it as an internal act, an offering of compa.s.sion and love that allows you to feel better about the wrong you inflicted on others. As I define it, Self-Forgiveness, like Genuine Forgiveness, is not a free gift to yourself. Nor is it a process that goes on privately within your mind. I believe that for Self-Forgiveness to be substantive, heartfelt, and genuine, it must be earned. If you, the offender, want to forgive yourself, you must acknowledge your wrong and make amends directly to the person you harmed. If that's not possible, you must perform other acts of repentance and rest.i.tution that in effect speak out against your offense and demonstrate your commitment not to repeat it.

Self-Forgiveness is not something you do just to make yourself feel feel better. It's something you do to make yourself better. It's something you do to make yourself be be better. Forgiv-Introduction better. Forgiv-Introduction ing yourself and working to win forgiveness from the person you violated go hand-in-hand. As you earn her respect and forgiveness, you come to respect and forgive yourself.

TWO DYSFUNCTIONAL APPROACHES.

TO FORGIVENESS.

How Can I Forgive You? describes four different approaches to forgiveness: Cheap Forgiveness, Refusing to Forgive, Acceptance, and Genuine Forgiveness. The last two we have already touched on. describes four different approaches to forgiveness: Cheap Forgiveness, Refusing to Forgive, Acceptance, and Genuine Forgiveness. The last two we have already touched on.

Both are adaptive. The other two are dysfunctional.

Cheap Forgiveness Even if the offender ignores your pain, you may be so frightened of his anger or rejection, so desperate to preserve the relationship, that you're willing to do anything-even forgive him. But this forgiveness is premature, superficial, undeserved. I call it cheap because you offer it before you process the impact of the violation, ask anything of the offender, or think through what lies ahead.

Refusing to Forgive You may refuse to forgive (1) when you want to punish an unre-morseful offender; (2) when you a.s.sociate forgiveness with reconciliation or compa.s.sion, neither of which you're prepared to offer; and (3) when you use retaliatory rage to protest a violation and see anything more conciliatory-particularly forgiveness-as a sign of weakness.

Not Forgiving makes you feel powerful and in control, but it's a reactive, often rigid and compulsive response to violation that cuts you off from life and leaves you stewing in your own hostile juices.

THE FOUR APPROACHES TO FORGIVENESS:.

A COMPARISON.

The accompanying chart summarizes the differences among the four approaches to forgiveness.The Hurt The Offender Party Comes Partic.i.p.ates to Terms with in the Healing This Leads to the Injury Process Reconciliation Cheap Forgiveness No No Yes Refusing to Forgive No No No Acceptance Yes No Yes or No Genuine Forgiveness Yes Yes Yes (often) or No HOW THIS BOOK IS WRIT TEN AND ORGANIZED.

How Can I Forgive You? provides concrete, detailed, step-by-step instructions for both of you as you cut a path to forgiveness. It's divided into four parts: (1) Cheap Forgiveness, (2) Refusing to Forgive, (3) Acceptance, and (4) Genuine Forgiveness. The first, second, and third parts are written mainly for the hurt party. The fourth part (Genuine Forgiveness) is divided into two sections: The first shows the offender what it takes to earn forgiveness; the second shows the hurt party what it takes to grant forgiveness. provides concrete, detailed, step-by-step instructions for both of you as you cut a path to forgiveness. It's divided into four parts: (1) Cheap Forgiveness, (2) Refusing to Forgive, (3) Acceptance, and (4) Genuine Forgiveness. The first, second, and third parts are written mainly for the hurt party. The fourth part (Genuine Forgiveness) is divided into two sections: The first shows the offender what it takes to earn forgiveness; the second shows the hurt party what it takes to grant forgiveness.

For the sake of clarity I refer to one of you as the hurt or injured party and to the other as the offender, fully aware that with interpersonal injuries we are seldom completely guilty or completely innocent. Also, I speak of the hurt party as "she" and the offender as "he."

Gender does not determine guilt, of course, but identifying each of you in this way makes for a more readable book.

All the case studies I describe are true in the sense that they're based on my work with patients or my conversations with a.s.sociates and friends. Some people may be hurt or insulted by the way I mod-ified their stories; others may be relieved. The reader should know that I've always changed names and details, and that I've developed Introduction Introduction composite portraits to protect people's ident.i.ties and ill.u.s.trate certain points.

My clinical examples run from the serious to the profane-from a deliberate, predatory act of s.e.xual abuse to a clumsy act of spilling wine on a countertop. However, I don't quantify the magnitude of the harm that was done for two reasons. First, the basic critical tools that are needed for healing are largely the same for all injuries. Second, the severity with which someone experiences an injury is highly subjective-a slap to one of you may be a deathblow to another.

Many of you have asked for a follow-up to my first book, After After the Affair. the Affair. I appreciate your loyalty and have included here many case studies related to infidelity. But I've now widened my scope to include all significant "violations of human connection."8 Examples include: I appreciate your loyalty and have included here many case studies related to infidelity. But I've now widened my scope to include all significant "violations of human connection."8 Examples include: * a spouse who treats you with contempt for not living up to his or her own impossible standards; * a friend who turns away from you when you develop breast cancer; * a sibling who refuses to help you care for an elderly parent; * a parent who is too depressed or too drunk to take interest in you; and * a therapist who traumatizes you as deeply as the offender himself.

A RADICAL CHOICE.

When I give professional training workshops, I invite therapists to come to the microphone and talk about someone who has offended them and how they're coping with the violation. What I find over and over is that we're all struggling to forgive someone, and hate feeling fractured within our significant relationships and within ourselves. We are all searching for an answer, some new approach, that frees us from the corrosive effects of hate, gives voice to the injustice, and helps us to make peace with the person who hurt us and with ourselves.

Most of us are also struggling with the knowledge that we have mistreated others. We, too, are looking for a way to feel more human and integrated, less alienated and embattled. We can make ourselves feel right by feeling wronged-buying into our biased, self-righteous version of the truth, and blaming the person we hurt. But we won't feel good about ourselves until we clean up the damage we caused.

For those of you who have done wrong, I encourage you-in fact, I hope to help you-to muster up the honesty, maturity, and strength of character to reach out to the person you have hurt and make an earnest, bighearted effort to win her forgiveness. If you accept the challenge, I doubt you'll be sorry.

For those of you who have been wronged, I encourage you to take care of yourself, be fair, and seek life-serving ways to cleanse your intimate wound. By providing two adaptive alternatives- Acceptance and Genuine Forgiveness-I hope I can give you the courage to forgive, and the freedom not to.

Part One

CHEAP FORGIVENESS.

C heap Forgiveness is a quick and easy pardon with no processing of emotion and no coming to terms with the injury. It's a compulsive, unconditional, unilateral attempt at peacemaking for which you ask nothing in return.

When you refuse to forgive, you hold tenaciously to your anger.

When you forgive cheaply, you simply let your anger go.

When you refuse to forgive, you say "no way" to any future reconciliation. When you forgive cheaply, you seek to preserve the relationship at any cost, including your own integrity and safety.