Elissa spun around, narrowing her eyes at her mother. She'd never been so furious. What was this? Some sort of test? Since when did Sarah care whom she hung out with? Where had she been in Chicago, when Elissa and her friends hid in an abandoned bowling alley, doing whatever they felt like? Who was she to suddenly care?

"Come sit down, Ryan," Sarah said, taking another large swig of her wine. She pulled out a chair and gestured for him to settle in. Elissa eyed the table, where a large ca.s.serole dish sat. It looked like Sarah had dumped French onion soup and corn chips together and stuck it in the oven. Cooking had never been her strong suit.

Before Elissa could say anything else, Ryan had taken his seat, gesturing for her to join him. She watched Sarah fiddle with the ca.s.serole dish, plopping spoonfuls of unidentifiable food down on their plates. "Looks good," Ryan lied. He stuck a forkful in his mouth and swallowed.

In any other situation, Elissa would've laughed, but she was too angry at her mother right now. She had gone over to Ryan's house and asked him to come to dinner...to get to know him better? Since when did she care to get to know any of Elissa's friends? "So now that he's here," Elissa started, an edge in her voice, "do you want to pepper him with questions? Give him the third degree? What?"

Sarah sat back, glaring at her. "I didn't invite Ryan over to give him the third degree," she said. "He's our neighbor. And he's been giving you rides, and you said you were over there yesterday. I just thought I should meet him, that's all."

Elissa glanced sideways at Ryan, but he didn't say anything. "Go on," she said, watching her mother. "You know you want to ask him about his parents, his house, his aunt."

"She can," Ryan said slowly. He looked up. "What do you want to know? I lived with my aunt Iris, but she had a stroke when I was eighteen. After she was hospitalized, I came back here. Back home."

Sarah let out a long breath, relaxing back into her seat. Elissa could see she was pleased-this was what she had wanted. Information. "How do you live?" Sarah asked. "Big house like that must have bills."

"Mom, I don't believe you're doing this," Elissa spat out. "You're being incredibly rude." She moved to stand, but Ryan set his hand down on her arm. It was the first time they'd touched, with the exception of the few seconds she'd held his hand, leading him out of Carrie Anne's bedroom.

"It's okay, really," he said. His eyes met Sarah's gaze. "My parents inherited the house and a little money. When they died, I got it all. It's not a lot, but it's enough. I go part-time to Bridgeport Community. It's not the greatest school in the world, but I'm getting my credits together to apply for premed at a university. I want be a psychiatrist."

For the first time since Ryan walked in, Sarah smiled. Apparently that answer pleased her. "That's very cool," she said.

"My mom went to a psychiatrist for a long time after she broke up with my dad." Elissa couldn't help herself. She felt the words coming out of her mouth before she could stop them. She just wanted to level the playing field. It wasn't fair for Sarah to sit there, grilling Ryan about his family, his income, his life goals, and not reveal anything about herself in return.

Sarah stared at her, as if she couldn't believe Elissa had just spoken those words out loud. The table fell into an uncomfortable silence. They pushed the food around their plates, and Sarah occasionally asked another question-about Ryan's schooling, or how he liked living in Woods.h.i.+re. (He didn't.) When it was clear they weren't going to eat any more of the weird, undercooked ca.s.serole, Sarah cleared some of the plates.

As soon as she disappeared into the kitchen, Ryan leaned over, his dark eyes meeting Elissa's. "It's okay-I'm grateful to be here, really. Your mom is the first person to invite me over since it happened."

Their faces were just a few inches apart. Elissa softened, suddenly embarra.s.sed for being such a b.i.t.c.h in front of him. He reached for her hand, covering it with his. They stayed like that, their fingers interlocking, until Sarah appeared in the doorway.

Ryan pulled away first. Sarah set a store-bought pie on the table, along with the cookies Ryan had brought. She'd arranged them in a circle on her favorite flowered plate. Her eyes kept moving from Ryan to Elissa, then back to Ryan. Elissa could tell she had seen them holding hands.

"I'm sorry," she finally said. "I need to say this to both of you. Elissa is just getting started in a new school. I want to her to do well-she needs to. It's a big part of the reason we moved here."

"Mom," Elissa snapped, feeling the heat rise in her cheeks. "What is your point?"

Sarah didn't look at her. Instead she focused on Ryan, waiting until he looked up. "She's only seventeen."

"I'm not a child," Elissa interrupted. "This is ridiculous. What do you think is going on, anyway? He gave me a ride. I made him a CD-why are you suddenly interested in micromanaging my life?"

"It isn't ridiculous," Sarah said, raising her voice. She didn't take her eyes off Ryan. "He is twenty-one. He understands what I'm getting at. I'm asking that you respect this rule. I don't want the two of you alone in your house or this house when I'm not here."

"You're never here," Elissa snapped. She could feel herself growing angrier. Who was Sarah to sit there, suddenly acting like the perfect parent? Who was she to pretend she hadn't checked out for the last four years?

"I'm here now." Sarah held the winegla.s.s so tightly, it looked like it might break in her hand. "Can I trust you, Ryan?"

Ryan stared down at his hand, clearly uncomfortable. "Yes, you can. But I think I should go."

He stood, twisting his napkin in his hands. He grabbed two chocolate chip cookies before turning toward the door. "Where are you going?" Elissa asked.

"You're lucky you have a mother who cares about you," he said. "Thank you for dinner, Miss Ca.s.sidy."

"You can stay," Sarah offered. It was so halfhearted it made Elissa even angrier.

Elissa stood up to follow him, but he didn't stop for her. She wanted them to be alone again-without Sarah. Things were easier then.

"Ryan-come back," she tried. But the door fell shut behind him, leaving her and Sarah alone in silence.

"I asked him to stay," Sarah said quietly.

"No," Elissa spat back. She spun around, facing her mother. "You invited him over just so you could interrogate him and then throw him out."

Sarah stood, throwing her napkin down on the table. "Honey, I am trying to protect you."

"Now? After all these years? Now suddenly you want to be a parent?" Elissa clenched her fists together so hard they hurt. All those nights came back to her. All the times Sarah had checked out, when she'd been drinking and had fallen asleep on the couch. All the times she was out until 2 AM bartending, and Elissa would have to make her own dinner. When Elissa had gotten in trouble for cutting cla.s.s, Sarah hadn't even showed up at the princ.i.p.al's office to get her-she'd been out at a baseball game with her boyfriend of the month. There had been a whole slew of them after Elissa's dad left, as if Sarah had put an ad out for a replacement husband.

Elissa took a deep breath, trying not to cry. It was too late for them to have a real relations.h.i.+p-she knew that now. Sarah hadn't been there when it mattered. And no new lectures or rules could fix that. She stormed up the stairs, turning back over her shoulder one last time, knowing she shouldn't say it. It would hurt Sarah too much. She didn't mean to say it, but the words were already coming out of her mouth.

"Just because you were some wasted s.l.u.t in high school doesn't mean I am."

She watched Sarah's face change, the shock and hurt registering all at once. And with that Elissa ran into her room, slamming the door behind her.

By the time Elissa got home from school the next day, it was nearly four o'clock. As Jillian dropped her off in the driveway she noticed Ryan. He sat on a boulder at the edge of the state park, staring off into the trees. Elissa let out a deep breath, waiting until Jillian's forest green car disappeared down the road. She hadn't spoken to her mother all morning, and she planned on keeping silent as long as humanly possible. Last night had been mortifying. Her mom had been so rude to Ryan, sitting there, chugging her red wine like it was water. If anyone came away from the dinner looking like a maniac, it was Sarah.

She strode across the gra.s.s, crossing the threshold to his property, knowing how much Sarah would hate that she was doing this. When she was a few feet away, Ryan turned, offering her a small smile. "I really, really wanted to apologize for my mom last night," Elissa said.

Ryan looked down at his hands. "It's okay," he said softly as he picked at his fingernails.

"It's not okay." Elissa climbed the rock, using the natural footholds to hoist herself up beside him. "I hope you didn't take her too seriously. It was just a cla.s.sic case of parentnoia."

Ryan looked at the s.p.a.ce between them and shook his head. "We're not supposed to be alone," he said. "Remember?"

Elissa shrugged it off. Who was her mom to tell Ryan Jacobsen what to do? They were neighbors, nothing more-he didn't owe her anything. Just then she heard the phone inside her house, the ring sounding across the lawn. The cell in her pocket buzzed. She wanted to ignore it, but knew her mom would be even more suspicious if she didn't pick up. Sarah's voice was on the other end of the line. "Hey," she said softly. "They hit me with another late s.h.i.+ft tonight. I won't be home until eleven. You gonna be okay?"

Elissa glanced sideways at Ryan, feeling the slightest pang of guilt. "Yes, I'm fine."

"And you remember our agreement?" she pressed.

"Yes, how could I forget last night?" Elissa shot back. "I'll talk to you later." She hung up, a sick feeling in her stomach. Lying had never been the easiest thing for her, but she wasn't about the give in to Sarah's demands. Just because Sarah had messed up in high school didn't mean Elissa was going to.

When she put the phone back in her pocket Ryan was looking at her. "Again, I mention how we're not supposed to be alone."

"Trust me-if Sarah wanted to make rules for me, she should've started enforcing them five years ago. It's too late now." She pointed over her shoulder at her house. "I set the home phone to forward calls to my cell."

Ryan laughed. "That's kind of devious."

"I'm trying to protect her."

"Right..." Ryan laughed. "Well, technically we're not actually in either house."

Elissa inched closer to him, staring into the park, trying to see what he saw. "What were you looking at before, when I came up?"

Ryan lowered his head. "I don't remember much from when I was a boy, but I remember my mom sitting here, and she'd tell me that everything has a secret. Everything. Like even that tree over there is hiding something special, if you look for it."

Elissa narrowed her eyes at him. "That tree?" she asked, pointing to the birch at the edge of the forest. It looked totally normal.

"At first I couldn't see it," he said. "Then one day I could..."

Elissa looked at the tree, trying to see what Ryan was talking about. He turned to her, resting his fingers gently on her chin. They were so cold they startled her. He tilted her head to one side, moving it just a fraction of an inch. She relaxed into it, enjoying how close he was to her, how gently he held her face.

As the angle s.h.i.+fted she could just make out what he was referring to. It was just like when her dad used to show her the moon. There's a face in it, he'd say, trying to point out the nose and the eyes, the way the man always seemed to be looking down on the earth. See? She never could, until one day, shortly after he left...there it was. She looked up and it was so clear to her, like an optical illusion that has just come into focus.

"Oh my G.o.d," she said softly. "There's a face." She could see the two eyes in the pitted surface, the way the mouth was formed by a long gash in the bark.

She smiled at Ryan, turning her face so their lips were only a few inches apart. His fingers still rested lightly on her chin. "People don't notice the secrets, but they're there. All around us. Hiding. Waiting to be found."

Ryan looked down at her lips, running the pad of his thumb over the bottom one. She felt like his hands were made of fire-every place he touched made her skin feel burning hot. She let him hold his hand there, waiting until he met her eyes again. "I like the way you see things," she said. "I like the way you see me."

She felt his breath on her skin. He placed his other hand on her cheek, stroking it, then brushed back a strand of hair. She felt them moving together, then his lips on hers, an urgency to the kiss. His hands held tightly to her cheek, his fingers pressed down into her skin. She felt suddenly awake. She pulled away playfully, and smiled.

"Come on," she laughed, hopping down off the rock. "Let's break some more rules."

Ryan looked nervous, bashful even, as he followed her. She ran into his house, not stopping until they were inside the musty living room. She pulled him to her, and their lips met again. He was more a.s.sertive this time, his hand resting on the small of her back. He stroked her chin with his other hand as he kissed her, hard, on the mouth.

They fell into the couch, and she let his hands roam over her hips, grazing her stomach. Somewhere far off she heard a banging sound. He pulled back suddenly, his face tense. "What is it?" she asked.

"Nothing," he shrugged. He stood, going to the stereo. "I'm just going to put on some music."

She smoothed down the fabric on the couch, waiting for him to come back, but he kept fiddling with the stereo. "I'm going to use the bathroom," she said. Ryan didn't turn around as she left.

Upstairs, she peered into the mirror, smoothing her eyebrows and wiping a corner of her lips. It was so nice to feel this way again, without a cloud of alcohol or pot. She felt a tingling on her lips still, and she laughed a little to herself. She wondered what it must be like for Ryan to have contact after being alone for so long. She fluffed her hair and then went back down the stairs slowly, peering into the living room as she entered, expecting to see Ryan waiting for her on the couch.

But Ryan was still by the stereo and as soon as he saw her he rushed over and grabbed her arm. "You have to leave-now," he said firmly. He looked scared or angry... she wasn't sure. Elissa was confused by the sudden turn and didn't have the presence of mind to protest as he ushered her down the narrow hallway, where a side door opened onto the lawn.

Elissa felt like she might cry. "What's the matter?" she asked. "Ryan, I'm sorry-What did I do?"

She started back into the house, but he grabbed her hand, yanking her toward the door. He unlocked it and urged her outside. "You're not supposed to be here-go home! Go now!" he barked.

She looked at him, her eyes filled with tears. He stared back for a second, expressionless. Her hurt flared into anger. She turned, running as fast as she could across the lawn, back to her house, as she heard the door slam behind her.

While Elissa was upstairs, Ryan kept his fingers on the volume dial of the old stereo, twisting it on, trying to get the right volume. Carrie Anne was up. He could hear her downstairs, and it was possible Elissa had heard her too. He spun around, making sure Elissa had closed the door of the bathroom. That's when he saw her.

Carrie Anne had somehow gotten out of her room, and escaped the restraints that held her to the bed. She was in the kitchen, searching the drawers for a knife.

Elissa was still upstairs. He heard the toilet flush, and the door opened again. He backed up toward the kitchen, thankful when Carrie Anne moved behind the low part.i.tion wall. She was shaking, he could tell. He hadn't given her the sedatives yet today.

He could see the hurt and confusion on Elissa's face, but he had no time to explain as he shoved her outside. He couldn't let Carrie Anne hurt her. Ryan's heart was pounding in his chest as he locked the side door, making sure Carrie Anne couldn't follow Elissa out. Then he turned back to the living room, carefully moving through it, turning up the volume on the stereo to m.u.f.fle her screams. Turning into the kitchen, he saw her near the counter, a long knife in her hand. She didn't look at him as she bolted for the front door, pus.h.i.+ng out into the growing darkness.

He ran after her, afraid Elissa might see them from her front window. But Carrie Anne turned left. She circled back through the woods, pumping her arms, her blond hair swinging back and forth as she ran. He sprinted after her, trying to keep her in his sight. But as the sun set, it was harder to see in the dense shade of the trees. She moved deeper into the state park, where the land opened up to a golf course.

He watched her run toward the course. A sedan was parked near the lookout point several yards away. He knew couples sometimes went there at dusk to watch the sun set over the town. No one could see her-he couldn't let them. He didn't want to yell, for fear they'd hear him. So instead he darted through the trees, moving right as she went left, hoping he could loop around and cut her off.

He never should have let Elissa inside again. He knew Carrie Anne was dangerous, and if she escaped now, if he lost her in the woods, there was the chance she'd return for them both. He tried to push the thoughts away as he ran faster, his legs burning. When he cut across the edge of the park, he saw her-her blond hair visible from a few yards away. She was focused on the car parked on the landing. He watched her, making sure the knife was held in front of her as he ran.

Within a few steps, he had come up behind her, tightening one arm around her neck. She tried to stab him, but he grabbed her other hand and squeezed it until she released the knife. Then he brought her to the ground, laying her down on top of him. He settled into the dirt, hoping they couldn't be seen from the lookout point. But there was the sound of a car door opening. A man called out, saying something Ryan couldn't understand.

He held Carrie Anne closer, squeezing her hard. He couldn't be discovered. He couldn't let her be found. She had to be so quiet now. She couldn't let out even a single sound. They stayed like that for ten minutes, maybe more, until her body relaxed against his and she was still. He regretted not giving her the sedatives this afternoon. Why hadn't he just come inside and checked on her, if only for a few minutes?

Finally, he heard the car pull away from the lookout point. The engine faded in the distance. When the forest was completely silent, he finally let her go. She tumbled off of him, her body heavy, her arms falling at strange angles by her side. "Carrie Anne?" he asked. He brushed her hair away from her face, but her skin was a whitish blue. "Get up."

She didn't respond. He shook her by the shoulders, but she still didn't move. "Carrie Anne," he said, breathless. He was starting to shake, he was so nervous. "Please?"

Then he noticed the pink and blue marks around her neck from where he was holding her. How long had he been pressing his forearm to her throat? He'd just been trying to keep her still. He hadn't wanted anyone to discover them. He leaned down, listening for her breath, but no air came out of her nose or mouth. She was dead. After all this time, trying to keep her safe-to keep everyone safe-Carrie Anne was dead.

He pounded his fists into the ground, punching over and over until his knuckles bled. What had he done? He had killed her, he had killed his own sister. What would his parents think of him now? He started to cry, heavy choked sobs. Tears squeezed out of the corner of his eyes. What was he to do?

Every moment from their childhood came rus.h.i.+ng back to him. The first time he'd held her, when she was just a baby. That picture still hung on the wall in his bedroom. How they'd made forts in the backyard, covering themselves with the old tarp from the garage. Then he remembered his parents' faces when they'd discovered Carrie Anne lying on the ground by the swing set, the b.l.o.o.d.y spit that covered her lips. You did this, his mother had said, a low fury rising in her voice. You did this to your sister.

He hunched over, feeling as though everyone in his life had left him. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. He just kept muttering her name: Carrie Anne, Carrie Anne, Carrie Anne.

It was 2 AM. Ryan sat at the counter of an old coffee shop off the highway. His fingernails were still caked with dirt. He couldn't stop his hands from shaking. He couldn't eat, couldn't drink. He wasn't sure he could even hold down a sip of water.

He'd found a stretch of woods off the highway and spent an hour digging the hole, making sure it was deep enough. He carefully set her body down inside it, laying a soft blanket over her. He tucked the teddy bear beside her and then covered her with dirt. He had to stop several times when he was overcome. The sadness of it doubled him over. Every muscle was tense and aching.

He hunched over, pus.h.i.+ng the gla.s.s of water around in front of him. The waitress behind the counter was tall and thin, a blond girl in a Penn State sweats.h.i.+rt. She couldn't have been more than twenty. She kept watching him, adding to his uneasiness.

"Boy, you're really working that Rebel Without a Cause thing pretty hard over there," she said as she poured a cup of coffee for another customer.

Ryan didn't respond. She went to the rotating gla.s.s case, where an a.s.sortment of pies and cakes spun around under fluorescent bulbs. She pulled out a chocolate frosted cake with cookie crumbs on top of it, then cut a ma.s.sive piece. "Here-on the house." She slid the plate in front of him.

"That's okay. I'm not hungry." He pushed it away.

The girl leaned forward, studying him. "You gonna turn down Mrs. Hodges' mud cake? Don't let her hear you. She'll get real offended." She glanced across the diner, where a stocky woman with huge biceps was mopping the floor.

Ryan pulled the cake back, but he couldn't take his eyes off the girl. She looked about Carrie Anne's height, with dirty blond hair that fell midway down her back. She had light brown eyes and thin, delicate hands. He felt a pull to her, but he wasn't sure why. Even as she turned away, clearing a few plates off the counter, his eyes lingered on her.

For a brief moment he felt nothing about what had happened that night. He wasn't fixated on the way his arm had pressed down on Carrie Anne's neck, or how she'd looked when she fell off of him, her brilliant blue eyes still open, watching.

"I don't get it," Jillian said, folding her legs underneath her. "Maybe it's his PTSD."

"He basically threw me out of his house," Elissa said. "He said I needed to leave."

Jillian sucked down the last of her diet soda, making a slurping sound with the straw. "If I were you, I would blow him off for a few days. Ice him out. Nothing."

Elissa clutched the neck of her guitar in her hand and stared out the barn doors. Robbie and Jake were warming up, the melody of a song-her song-filling the air. "I haven't spoken to him yet. I just want to know what happened," she said. "We were having fun, I thought. But then he just freaked."

Her cell phone buzzed in her pocket. Ryan's name came up on the screen. She opened it slowly, wondering if he had somehow sensed they were talking about him. She took the call but didn't say anything.

"Elissa? It's me," he said. "I want to see you."