"Good idea."

She couldn't put her finger on it, but there was something funny about the way he was acting this morning.

Probably just a bad hangover. She hoped he wouldn't have to suffer all day.

Bill tried to get into the wedding spirit. It shouldn't have been hard. Scott was every inch the eager bridegroom - proud, ecstatic, and nervous in approximately equal proportions - and Seth and Annabelle seemed as thrilled as though he was marrying Francine. And Rachel! She was flying around the Worthingtons' mansion at approximately the speed of sound.

The mood eluded him, though. He kept busy arranging rows of chairs in the outdoor tent for the ceremony and placing last- minute decorations inside for the reception. After he and Phillip changed into their tuxes, they had some dead time, waiting for the first guests to arrive. Phillip complained, "I told you we should have given Scott something at the party last night. Did you hear all the stuff Carolyn got?"

He shook his head. "No. Anything good?"

Phillip's almost-white skin got blotchy with embarra.s.sment. "I'll say! It was all s.e.xy stuff - one of the things was this goop you spread on somebody, and then - like -" He was too mortified to finish the sentence.

"Somebody gave Carolyn body paint?" The image cheered him up for a few seconds - until he remembered about Tanya.

The wedding was beautiful and the reception lovely. No a.s.sembly-line feel, no crowded room full of tables with prea.s.signed seats, no long drawn-out meal that turned out to be tasteless.

Instead of a reception, Nik felt like she was at an elegant but very comfortable party with friends, or people who might become friends if she got to know them. Both food and drink were plentiful and delicious, and even though most people stood and mingled, there were plenty of seats available for anyone who wanted one.

Bill's official duties were over once the wedding and photo session finished, so they spent most of the reception together. He was as sweet and thoughtful as ever, but something still wasn't quite right with him.

She wondered if the fact that this was a wedding was on his mind. He might think that now that they wereliving together, she'd expect him to marry her. She didn't, and she'd need to make that clear.

But not right now. That conversation was one they needed to have in private.

Bill drove home from the reception slowly, like a coward putting off his execution. How could he act natural at home with Nik? She was already looking at him funny, and he'd barely spent any time with her since last night.

Thanks to the stupid wedding, he was feeling more guilty than ever. It was that d.a.m.n "forsaking all others" phrase. He'd been listening along, nodding to himself, thinking how much like a marriage living together was. And then the sky fell in. Scott and Carolyn stood there, in front of all those people, repeating those words like they were no more and no less important than all the other promises they were making - and he'd suddenly realized the magnitude of what had happened last night.

Before, his guilt had all been personal, all about how he felt about Nik and about how important their relationship was to him. But this forsaking all others stuff wasn't personal. It was how people lived their lives if they wanted their relationships to survive, and he'd blackmailed his way to a promotion based on less of a lapse on Scott's part than what he'd done last night.

He'd actually been proud of himself a few times since last night, thinking how easy it would have been to let Tanya have her way. And really, Nik would never have found out. Larry might have had his suspicions about what happened, but he wouldn't have said anything about it, even a.s.suming he met Nik someday.

But easy didn't matter where love was concerned. Doing the right thing - always, no matter if it was significant or if anyone would ever know about it - that was what was required.

And Bill had blown it.

His only hope was for Nik to never find out.

Nik would have been amused by Bill's anxiety tonight if she wasn't so scared by it. Maybe he was having second thoughts about this whole living together thing - or maybe even loving her. The domestic way of life was a radical change for him, and maybe it didn't suit him.

He jumped up from his black leather recliner for about the millionth time tonight and said, "You know, I think I'll go to the club for a quick workout before bed. I haven't been going very regularly and you wouldn't want me to get fat."

That wasn't going to happen in this lifetime and he hadn't been fretting about getting fat all evening. It was time to confront reality. "I think you should stay home and we should talk about what's on your mind."

The horror on his face made it clear she wasn't imagining anything. "What do you mean? There isn't anything on my mind." His denial was ludicrous.

She shook her head. "I'm not buying that, Bill. Something's going on and we need to talk about it."

Maybe it would help if she suggested things he might be thinking. "Does it have anything to do with the wedding today?"

The question startled him. "Why would you think that?" "Because you've been weird all day. Our relationship is more serious than what you've had in the past, and going to a wedding might have made you think about that."

"You mean I might be sorry that we're together?" He clearly seemed to think that was crazy - definitely a good sign, from her point of view.

"Well, yeah. Or maybe more confused or amazed than sorry. The thing is, if you're feeling that way, it's okay, but we probably ought to talk about it." She hadn't done a very good job of explaining. It was hard to remember sometimes that Bill really didn't have much experience with what she'd consider a real relationship.

He shook his head and sighed. "That's not it, but you're right. Something is." He grabbed the footstool of his chair and straddled it. "Nik, I did something awful last night. Not as bad as it could have been, but pretty bad."

A rock landed hard in the pit of her stomach. What had he done? Could she even stand to hear him out?

Maybe she should run away and hide - or tell him she didn't want to know what he'd done. Except the way he was acting, they'd never get past this unless he told her. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"No." His eyes were wide and he looked as scared as she felt. "And I wasn't going to. But I think I have to."

She made her head move up and down in a nod. "Okay then." She slipped her hand between the arm of her chair and the cushion. She'd hold on to the cushion until she knew how bad it was.

He nodded back at her. "Okay. Well, you know about the party for Scott. And I told you about talking to Larry for a while after, but what he really wanted was for me to introduce him to a couple of girls in the bar because I knew one of them. Tanya. I used to - well, she was one of -"

She didn't want to hear this, but she had to. "One of the many women you had s.e.x with."

He flinched. "Yeah, but she's - well, she's the one who was there when Francine died. It was kind of a big deal."

Bill and Francine and Tanya had been at his apartment that day? That wasn't in the story she'd heard, and it made the situation sound even weirder. "You were having a three- way?"

He goggled at her. "No way! She came over to see me that morning - she'd just found the stuff that proved Scott and Carolyn had been involved before - and Tanya'd spent the night. So she was there when Francine had that allergy attack of hers, and she called 911 and stuff."

And how was that relevant now? A possible answer occurred to her. "So, that experience made you feel closer to her, is that what you're saying?"

He nodded. "Exactly. And it had been a long time since I'd seen her, so I didn't mind when Larry wanted an introduction."

"Okay. So you went out there and introduced him, and then what?" And then, he obviously took her back to her place and screwed her brains out, but Nik wasn't going to make it easy for him. Those words were going to have to come out of his mouth, not hers.

"She threw herself at me, which I basically ignored, because I wanted to give Larry a chance to get friendly with Callie before I left." She carefully kept her mouth shut.

"I left after a few minutes, but Tanya came running after me, wanting a ride home. I shouldn't have agreed, but I figured I could handle her." He undoubtedly could, and had.

He continued after a few seconds, "In the car, she was incredibly blatant, so much so that I threatened to make her walk home. But then I thought she got the message, because she started talking instead of groping. I felt bad for her because a guy had just walked out with a lot of her money -"

She couldn't help it. She snorted, and when Bill looked shocked, she asked, "You didn't buy that, did you?"

"Well, yeah. Why would she lie?"

"For sympathy, for one thing! And it obviously worked." Suddenly, this play-by-play recounting was too much like Chinese water torture. "Look, could we fast-forward ahead here? I don't need to know every detail - just tell me what you did." She squeezed the cushion to death, praying that he was having an attack of the guilts over something inconsequential.

"We didn't have s.e.x," he blurted.

She felt suddenly dizzy from relief, and her hand started unclenching. But then she noticed that he wasn't any calmer - in fact, he seemed to be hyperventilating himself into either pa.s.sing out or throwing up. "But you did something."

He nodded. "I came d.a.m.n close. I -" He swallowed. "Nik, I was going to. We were kissing, and I had my hands all over her, and -" He shook his head in denial, buried his face in his hands, and whispered, "I'm so sorry."

Not as sorry as she was.

Bill discovered he was huddled into as small a shape as possible, as far from Nik as he could get without moving the stool. Like she was suddenly going to produce a leather belt and start beating the c.r.a.p out of him. He deserved it, that was for d.a.m.n sure - unlike most of the beatings Pop had dished out.

"And you stopped?" She didn't believe him.

He nodded. "I stopped. I pushed her away and walked out. I -" How could he explain? How could he say the things he needed her to hear?

"Why did you stop? Did you stop wanting her?" Her questions were like blows. His training was to cringe and wait for it to be over. Arguing or talking back to Pop only made him get it worse. "Answer me! And I want the truth!"

"I -" He blinked hard, needing the panic to recede and his brain to come to life. "She's not you, Nik - you're the one I want!" Maybe she'd cut him some slack now. She had to be glad to hear that.

"But you didn't know that until you were practically in bed with her?" No slack yet.

"No - I mean yes, of course I knew that -"

"Then why the h.e.l.l did you kiss her and put your d.a.m.n hands on her?" Geez, he sure hoped the slack would get here soon. She was nailing him to the wall. "Because -" Just looking at her made him cringe and need to babble. "Nik, please - I'm sorry. Don't be this way!"

"Then start talking to me like a rational adult instead of a five-year-old caught with his hand in the cookie jar!" she snapped. Suddenly her mouth dropped open and she asked, "That's what's happening, isn't it?

You're freaking out because I'm yelling at you."

He managed a small nod. "I'm trying not to. I know we have to talk about this, but I can't think straight."

He gulped in some air, but it didn't help. "I didn't need to do anything wrong for Pop to beat me, but the times I did, it was worse."

He licked his lips, hoping for some saliva. "I remember this one time. I was playing ball with some kids down the street and I screwed up and hit it through this old grouch's window. The other kids all scattered, and he came out and made me take him home with me to tell my folks. Just Ma was there - and George - and the guy said he wanted the money for the window the next day. After he left, Ma said she was sorry, but I'd have to tell Pop because she didn't have any money. When Pop got home hours later, he said since the window was going to cost him all that money, he'd get his money's worth by beating me half to death. He did." Remembering that beating was enough to make him need to throw up.

All of a sudden, Nik was there holding his head against her chest. "Oh, Bill. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you like that."

Just having her hold him like that made him feel a little more safe and able to think. "I know. I know I deserve your anger, too. Me cheating's kind of the same thing for you as Pop beating me up is for me."

Her body went still for a moment, then she stepped back, leaving her hands on his shoulders so he didn't feel abandoned. "You're right. And I don't think either of us can be rational about this situation right now." She bit her lip and the look on her face was pained. "I'm sorry, but I - you're going to have to sleep out here tonight." After another moment, she sighed and turned away.

He waited for a reprieve for a very long time, but it never came.

For once, Nik wished she was a crier. She'd throw herself face-down on the bed, kick her legs and pound her fists into the mattress, and cry her heart out. But it wouldn't help.

Why? He claimed to love her - how could he even want another woman? She didn't want another man.

She knew that wasn't a fair a.n.a.logy. She worked differently inside than Bill did. She hadn't ever wanted anyone else, not even when she was first with Allen. She'd wanted to want Allen, but even at its best, s.e.x with him had been an after-thought.

Part of the betrayal she felt must be left over from last time. She'd trusted him and, the minute her back was turned, he'd bedded another woman. It was different this time.

But how different? Different enough to save her from another heartbreak?

Bill had never tried to sleep on his sleek leather couch before, but he suspected that the old overstuffed one Nik had inherited from her grandmother would have been more comfortable. Not that it was fair to judge from last night - he wouldn't have slept, anyway. He'd gone over the scene with Nik a hundred times in his head, still shocked at the way her anger had triggered something irrational deep inside him. As part of her recovery, he and Ma were talking a lot about the past, and he finally understood that it hadn't been so much that she didn't want to leave Pop, but that his brutality had created at least the illusion of a stable life for her. Bill hadn't thought they had much in common that way, but now he wasn't so sure. He certainly would have traded a beating for the uncertainty of this situation.

But he'd spent most of the night struggling with his conscience, trying to understand why he'd let Tanya ruin his life right in front of him. Okay, sure, he'd been a little h.o.r.n.y, and yes, she was incredibly s.e.xy. But not enough to make him lose his mind!

Nik would be angry all over again when he didn't have answers for her this morning. Dreading her reaction and wishing he could avoid it, he suddenly thought of a way to show her how much he loved her and how committed he was to making their relationship work. So when he heard her shower go on, he went out to run a quick errand. Nik came into the kitchen a couple of minutes after he got back and said, "I thought I heard you leave just now."

He shook his head. "I just got back." He handed her the hot fudge sundae with peppermint ice cream he'd gone out for and unzipped his jeans. "I deserve it, Nik. Dump it right in there."

She set the sundae on the counter. "Don't be silly. That won't solve anything."

"Sure it will. It's what you did before to show me how much I hurt you." He pulled the waistband of his jeans open, demonstrating that he was wearing no more than he had been last time. He shivered, remembering just how d.a.m.n awful this was going to feel. "Here, I'll hold this open for you."

She shook her head. "You already know you hurt me. There's no reason for me to do that."

"Yes, there is," he insisted, but he knew she wasn't going to change her mind. "Okay, then."

He didn't dare pause, or he'd never be able to go through with it. He kept one hand on his jeans, holding them open, and picked up the sundae with the other. In one motion, he overturned the container and shook it out, right on target.

d.a.m.n! That was cold!

CHAPTER THIRTY.

Nik hadn't stayed around last time to see Bill's reaction to having a sundae in his pants. She'd been too busy trying to get back to her room before letting her tears out.

This time, his reaction was almost stoic. It was clear he was in something close to agony, but he just stood there and took it, looking kind of proud of himself.

"Why did you do that?" she demanded.

"Because I hurt you, and I deserve to suffer." His jaw tightened and he shifted miserably in place.

"And having ice cream in your jeans is supposed to make me forgive you, is that it?" How on earth could he think something as stupid as that? She needed rational answers, not a crazy stunt.