She knew he'd done it, and she knew the details weren't going to redeem the situation.

He'd done something unthinkable.

Bill couldn't believe that he'd actually forgotten about the blackmail. Last night, he'd been all set to tell Nik everything, knowing that he probably wouldn't get it all out before she'd run away in horror. But she'd handled the stuff about his past so well, and then made him stop talking. Sometime while she was calming him with what felt like love, he'd just plain forgotten that there was anything more he needed to tell her.

Seth's visit had reminded him of reality. His whole body sagged at the prospect, but Nik needed to know the complete unvarnished truth. "You should sit down. This is going to take a while."

She reached behind her blindly for a chair and sat facing him. "I'm ready."

No, she wasn't. He wasn't ready, either, but that didn't matter. "You may or may not have heard that Francine died at my apartment, but she did. And I guess you know that Carolyn was already working at A-W, but you wouldn't have heard that Scott and Francine were having problems."

"Are those things connected somehow?"

He wished he could smile at her eager interest. "Yeah, but not in a simple way." He laid it all out for her then, both what he'd known then and what he knew now - and the worst part, what he'd done about it.

He kept going, too, after his promotion, explaining about how he'd threatened Carolyn, how she'd laughed at him, and what Scott had told Seth.

She looked sh.e.l.l-shocked when he finished, so he added the bit about his recent conversations with both Scott and Carolyn, and what Seth had said today.

That seemed to spur her into words. "You feel guilty about what you did, is that what you're saying?"

Guilty? What a mild word! "Guilty - ashamed - embarra.s.sed, whatever you want to call it. And I can't see how I could have done it. My whole life, I've hated the way Pop was, the way he beat up on Ma and me just 'cause he could, and I've sworn I'd never be like him."

"You aren't. Just because you did something wrong doesn't mean you're like him."

He shook his head, annoyed that she didn't get it. "I told you what Carolyn said - that Scott's different now because of what I did. I made that happen, Nik. I hit him right where it hurt the worst. Just like Pop did."

She stared at him in exasperation for a few seconds, then blew her breath out. "People hurt people all the time, Bill. I hate to sound cynical, but if Scott was as all-fired sure of his integrity as Carolyn said, then he'd never been tested before. It's part of growing up, to learn that principles are all very well and good, but that sometimes other things have to take precedence." She shook her head and added, "And as far as being like your father, I don't recall you saying anything about him ever being sorry for hurting anyone."

"Well, no," he admitted. "He thought we deserved it."

She laughed although there wasn't anything remotely funny about the situation. "He figured he could get away with it - isn't that more like it? The wife who apparently loved him no matter what, and the son who was smaller and weaker. She wouldn't have reported him, and if you'd tried, she would have denied it."

"I guess." No guessing about it. She was absolutely right, and by making him see that, the horror of being like Pop faded away. A huge load lifted for the first time in weeks. "You mean you don't hate me for what I did to Scott and Carolyn?"

She gave him a long serious look that felt like a spike to the gut. "I don't hate you, but that's about all I can honestly say. You did something that I find virtually unimaginable, and if -" She broke off, shaking her head. "I don't know. I'm sorry."

She stood slowly and walked away.

** Nik felt dizzy and physically sick to her stomach. She'd tried hard to keep an open mind while Bill explained what he'd done, and she thought she'd succeeded. She'd looked at it as honestly as she could, without the extra layer of self- condemnation he'd added, and without putting herself in either Scott or Carolyn's positions.

He'd done an awful thing. How - She turned back to face him. "You feel guilty about this now, but you didn't at the time?"

He shook his head. "I figured Scott deserved it. He needed something not to go his way for once -" He swiped his hand through his hair quickly. "I hated the way he waltzed right into the company after George died. I wanted that job for myself, and I was convinced I deserved it - I know now I would have made a mess of it, but I didn't know that at the time. And suddenly he's seeing Francine and acting like Rachel's daddy, and Seth starts treating him like a son instead of an employee -"

"But that was years ago!"

"So?" He flared in annoyance. "Things didn't get any better, and n.o.body ever seemed to care that I was good at my job. Scott was the golden boy, and the only time Seth bothered with me was when he lectured me about -" The indignation he'd been working up suddenly disappeared.

"About s.e.xually hara.s.sing the women at work," she filled in, feeling sorry for him until she remembered what he'd done to Carolyn. "Okay, I can see that you had a grudge against Scott. But why Carolyn?"

"Because of Scott," he answered quickly, then shook his head. "Geez, that's not it - not all of it, anyway.

It goes back to -" He broke off suddenly, swiping his hand through his hair again, then jumping up and heading into the kitchen. "Look, I'll tell you, but I can't just sit there and spill my guts. I'll make us some scrambled eggs."

That was probably a good thing. Part of her stomachache was undoubtedly hunger. "Okay." She perched on a stool by the breakfast bar where she could watch his face while he talked. She needed to hear the whole truth.

While he was whisking the eggs, he continued, "Carolyn's had this negative att.i.tude toward me from the first time I met her, during her interview. Not just that she wasn't interested in me, like she is with the other guys, but like the idea of having anything to do with me was repulsive. Kind of like the nice girls in high school acted toward me - and I guess that's why I couldn't let it go. So, I'd needle her and think up things to say that would make her blush - not much of a challenge, I have to admit. But in reality, I didn't really care that much about going out with her or anything, because she's not my type - physically or any other way."

He grabbed a pan and started heating some b.u.t.ter in it. "But then Francine got all paranoid about her and Scott having a thing on the side. I couldn't really believe that Mr. Straight Arrow would do that, but it kind of griped me if Carolyn was playing all impossible-to-get around work and then cheating on the boss's daughter. So, then Francine brought me those things of theirs right before she died, and I figured I had the perfect way to bring Scott down, and I didn't mind that it would ruin things for Carolyn, too."

"That's not why you propositioned her." It couldn't be.

He shook his head as he carefully poured the eggs into the pan. "No, it's not. The way it worked out, I guess I got to know her a little better, and I found out that she wasn't all icy control. She'd get mad about how I was treating them - him, mostly, I think - and she'd be suddenly red-hot. And I got, like, kind of fixated on that fire-ice thing, and I'd imagine -" He groaned and covered his face with his hands. "Geez, Nik, do I really have to spell this out for you?

You gotta see what I'm talking about!"

Unfortunately, yes. She could see it clearly. She could see Bill in bed with Carolyn, doing one of the many absolutely incredible things that he knew how to do. And she could see him driving Carolyn right over the edge of control, just like he did to Nik almost every time they made love.

And she suddenly saw how much Bill liked doing that to a woman, how much he needed to make her lose control. That realization prompted another one - that Nik was a lot like Carolyn. They both were intelligent career-minded women who knew how to keep most people at a distance. An impossible challenge for Bill to resist.

She swallowed, hoping for enough moisture to form the words she needed to say. "Oh, yes, Bill. I see. I see that after Carolyn shot you down, you were fortunate enough to find another woman a lot like her - one who wasn't able to resist your offer. I've wondered all along why you didn't get bored with me and move on, like you always do. But now I know - it's no credit to me. It's the fact that you still can't have Carolyn, and you never will."

He was staring at her now - undoubtedly horrified that she'd figured out the truth. "You think I still want Carolyn? And that's why I'm with you?"

She nodded. "Scott's got Carolyn. You need somebody."

He shook his head, slowly at first, then more rapidly. "Nik, you're so incredibly wrong! I don't want Carolyn - I want you." He reached across the breakfast bar and grabbed her hand. "Nikolia, sweetheart.

I love you."

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE.

Bill had never told a woman he loved her before, but he was d.a.m.n sure that her staring at him in apoplectic shock wasn't a good sign. Nik ought to be sighing or grinning or saying that she felt the same way.

Not that he'd done it right. He'd just spent an hour or more telling her what awful things he'd done - and geez, even how hung up he'd been on Carolyn! And then, suave as anything, he'd cruised right on in to a declaration of love. No wonder she was horrified.

"You're crushing my hand," she said, and of course she was right. He let go and watched her flex some life back into it, and while he was beating himself up about that, she added, "The eggs will burn if you don't stir them." She was right about that, too.

He concentrated on the eggs. They needed to eat, even if food seemed completely irrelevant at a time like this. Besides, he'd said enough, maybe too much. He had to give her a chance to think this through.

The eggs finished cooking before long, and he took them up onto their plates. They ate them right where they were, Nik on the stool across the breakfast bar from him, and him standing at the stove. He'd never done that before. He'd always thought the way Ma ate right out of the pan was the epitome of low-cla.s.s, so he'd made a point of eating at the table, on real plates, with real utensils. The point seemed pretty stupid now.

After they ate, he washed their dishes and straightened the kitchen, putting away the things he'd taken out when Nik first got here. Then he dared a glance at Nik. He couldn't tell anything. Her face was closed, yet seemingly not set against him. Finally she asked, "Did you say that because you thought it would make me feel differently about what you did?"

He didn't need to ask what "that" was. He knew. "I told you I love you because I've been holding it inside for weeks now, because I knew I didn't deserve to ask you to love me back." His voice didn't want to let him say the rest, but he forced it out. "And I needed to say it, and I figured I'd better do it before you walked out."

"You thought I was going to walk out?" She sounded incredulous, although he couldn't imagine why.

"Sooner or later. Maybe not right away, but eventually. I've spent my whole life shouting to the world that I'm as good as everybody else, but I'm not, and now I know it." He made himself shrug, as if that was an easy admission to make. He turned away, wishing this was her house, so he could leave and preserve some dignity. "You're not going to want to bother with me now that you know the truth."

Suddenly, he felt her hand on his back, so lightly that he thought he must be imagining it. "The truth that you make mistakes, you mean? I knew that - you're human, like everybody else, and we all make mistakes."

He wanted to accept that, to sweep everything aside with those simple words, to lean back into her touch and make the truth go away. He wanted that so much that he couldn't speak for a moment. "We don't all blackmail other people to get what we want."

"No, and I agree that was an awful thing to do." Still, her voice was soft and somehow comforting. "But I think we all do things that horrify us later. Look at Scott, for instance. For whatever reason, he decided not to tell Francine about Carolyn, and to offer Carolyn the job that brought her here. He should have known better - he had to have known how foolish that was. Yet he did it, and I'm cynical enough to think he was just a little bit relieved when Francine conveniently died, leaving him free to be with Carolyn."

He opened his mouth to argue, but found he agreed with her.

She continued, "But that's not my point. My point is that, whatever he did, whatever he felt, you can bet that he knows he's at least somewhat to blame for the pain he caused. And some part of him wishes he'd done differently."

"Yeah, but he didn't set out to hurt anyone - that's not how he operates."

"No, he did what he did because it was in his own self- interest, and that's what you did, too. Now, I'm not claiming that what you did is no worse than what he did - it is - but you already know that. What I'm telling you is that you're not a horrible person because you did this one awful thing, nor because of what your parents were like. The kind of person you are comes from the thousands and maybe millions of things you do, both bad and good, over the course of your life. And overall, you're a good person."

He turned to face her, but instead of putting his arms around her like he wanted to, he settled for resting his hands on her shoulders. "You really think that? Even after the way I've treated women my whole life?"

She smiled a bit and said, "It's not a crime to take what a woman offers you, as long as you don't deceive her into believing things that aren't true. And from what I've heard, any woman who's been deceived did it to herself."

He felt a funny quivery feeling in his stomach. It sounded like she still accepted him, even now when sheknew the worst. "That's true. I never promised anything other than a good time." He couldn't leave it there. "Until now."

"You still haven't." She looked like she was going to say more.

He didn't wait. "Sure I have. I love you -"

"That's not a promise." Her smile was gentle and made him want to listen. "You love me today, but you might not love me tomorrow or next week."

"I'll love you forever!" But even as he said it, he realized he didn't know if that was true. He knew nothing about forever.

She shook her head and put her hand on his arm. "You're not ready to promise that, Bill. But that's okay.

I'm not ready to promise that, either."

What did that mean about how she felt about him? She squeezed his arm and said, "You know that I've tried to keep things simple between us, and that I objected to you saying we had a relationship. Well, none of that did me any good. Despite my intentions, I fell in love with you."

Her words echoed in his brain. She loved him, too!

Nik bent her left knee slightly and shifted her weight forward. Maybe the ache in her hips would subside a little now.

It did, but now her knee and legs hurt more, and the pain in her left leg was sharp like a knife. What if she turned onto her other side? She moved carefully, not wanting to disturb Bill's sleep.

The new position wasn't really any better, but she'd stay like this for a while, anyway. It was a change, and that was the best she could hope for.

She felt tears gathering in her throat, but she choked them back. Okay, sure, she was headed at breakneck speed into a down cycle, but crying wouldn't accomplish anything and Bill might hear her. She couldn't deal with his questions right now, not in addition to her own.

Why did it have to happen now? Why not in a week or two, after the situation with Bill settled into whatever its new state would be? It was pointless to ask the question, of course, just as it would be pointless to wish she didn't have to have a down cycle at all. She had fibro, and that meant she had frequent flares and occasional down cycles. She could do every single thing possible to take care of herself, and she'd still have them. That was all there was to it.

Of course, knowing they were inevitable didn't make them easy to accept. And it didn't make her feel able to explain to Bill about the soon-to-come reality. Not yet.

"What can I do to help, sweetheart?" His voice came out of the dark. Had her moving around made him wake up?

"I'm fine," she lied. "A little restless, but you don't need to worry about me."

"After all I've put you through the last few days, I'm not going to let you suffer alone. Would a ma.s.sage help?" The room was suddenly lit by the dim glow of his bedside touch lamp.

"I'm not sure. Some of my muscles are pretty tender." He rolled to face her. "I know. You should have told me I was hurting you."

She shook her head. "You weren't. Not really." But it was the first time his loving her didn't take the pain away for a little while.

"You're supposed to enjoy making love."

"I do!" She owed him an explanation, though. "Just - well, tonight, some of it wasn't as comfortable as it usually is. It wasn't anything you did - it's just the way my muscles are right now. I would have told you if it was a problem."

He breathed out impatiently. "Nik, it's a problem anytime you can't fully enjoy something we're doing."

He paused a few seconds before continuing. "Seriously, sweetheart. It's important to me not to cause you pain, and after, when I realized I had -" He shook his head rather than completing the thought.

Of course. Hurting her would remind him of his father. "I'm sorry. I'll tell you next time." It would almost certainly be next time they made love. And the time after that, and the one after that. But she couldn't face telling him that yet. Instead, she said, "You could try giving me a ma.s.sage, if you'd like. It might help."

He was eager to try, and it did help ease her aching muscles. She drifted into a light doze before he finished, and the rest of the night eased by.

Bill kept his eye on Nik the next morning while she dressed, and he didn't like what he saw. She moved awkwardly, as though she had many fewer moving parts than most people - and like the parts that did move were rusty. It wasn't like the morning after she'd had the flare in early November, when she'd only seemed a little tired. He could tell she didn't want him to say anything about it, though.

He'd approach the matter differently. "You know, I'll bet no one at work would mind if we both took the rest of the year off for a little vacation. New Year's is this weekend, but I've heard that some of the hotels still have rooms available. How about if I see if I can get us some reservations?"

He heard her heavy sigh and wished he'd kept his mouth shut. Since he couldn't take the words back, he tried to offer an easier alternative. "Or we could take the time off and just hang out here or at your place.

That would be just as good, and there wouldn't be any crowds to deal with."

She sagged onto the side of the bed and sighed again. "I'm sorry, Bill. I think it would be best just to stick with our normal schedules as much as possible." Her voice shook a little as she added, "And as far as New Year's Eve, maybe you'd better make plans without me. I can't handle a big party, or even a small one."

He dropped down next to her and slipped his arm around her waist. "I don't care about a party, sweetheart. Just as long as we can be together, I'll be happy. And as far as taking time off work, I just thought we could both use a few days to kick back and relax. I know you're tired, and to be honest, so am I. This whole thing about my mom and talking about what happened with Scott and Carolyn kind of wiped me out."

She looked at him with troubled eyes. "I know, Bill, and I wish I could do something to help you. But I can't do any more than I already have. I realized last night that I'm headed into a down cycle, and my life's really not going to be worth much for the next few weeks."

"A down cycle? What's that?" It sounded awful - maybe not so much the words themselves as the wayshe said them. His fears were confirmed when she explained, but he didn't have any question about how to respond. "What can I do to help? I can do the cooking and other stuff around the house, and give you ma.s.sages anytime you want, but isn't there something more?"