"The d.i.c.k."

Billy c.o.c.ked a head at Jim Bob. "You raped a vampire?"

"It wasn't rape. A vampire ain't alive, dummy. Ain't no laws against humping the living dead."

Zeke winked and gave Jim Bob a nudge. "So how was the little wh.o.r.e?"

"Like f.u.c.king an ant hill. That b.i.t.c.h was drier than a box of Grape Nuts. Plus, she woke up in the middle of it, started hissing and snapping those fangs. Could hardly get my nut off."

"Did you stake her?"

"G.o.dd.a.m.n, Billy, can you shut up about the G.o.dd.a.m.n stake for five G.o.dd.a.m.n minutes?"

Billy nodded, pretending to zip his mouth closed.

Jim Bob chomped on his cigar, swallowed a little piece. "Okay, so I got to thinking. She might be all dried up down there, but her mouth looked all warm and wet and inviting. 'Cept for those long teeth, of course. So I got my five pound rubber mallet and my chisel and I got rid of those nasty teeth. Wasn't easy, neither, b.i.t.c.h spitting and snapping at me the whole time."

"Did it work?" Zeke asked.

Jim Bob broke into a big grin. "Worked like an unwed mother with ten kids. That girl could suck the feathers off a jaybird."

Laughter and spontaneous back-slapping ensued.

"Can we see her?" Zeke asked.

"See her? You can take her for a test drive," Jim Bob said, to cheers. Then he added, "For five bucks."

"Five bucks?" Freddie frowned. "I thought we was buddies, Jim Bob."

"We is buddies, Freddie. But the care and feeding of a vampire costs money. I had to make a deal with Jesse Miller, the janitor over at Covington Hospital. He charges ten bucks for a pack of blood. So unless one of you guys wants to hook up a straw to your wrist, it's five bucks a bang."

Freddie had to go inside to get some cash. Billy gave Jim Bob a check. Zeke didn't have no money, but had two and a half packs of Marlboros, which Jim Bob admitted was just as good.

They all went over to Jim Bob's trailer, which stank of stale beer and rotten food because Jim Bob hadn't done much cleaning since his wife left.

"She's in my room," Jim Bob said. "It's still daytime, so she's sleeping the sleep of the undead. But the sun is gonna set soon, and then she'll be wild and buckin'."

The quartet crept, quiet as church mice, into the bedroom.

As promised, there was a naked woman tied to the bed, with big old melon t.i.tties and fat, red d.i.c.k-sucking lips, which recessed a bit into her mouth seeing as she had no teeth no more.

"G.o.dd.a.m.n!" Zeke removed his John Deere cap and smacked himself on the thigh with it. "Ain't this something!"

"I'm first." Freddie had already undid his overalls. "It's been almost three weeks for me."

"I thought Fat Sue Ellen gave you a handjob behind the church last Sunday."

"Handjobs don't count."

"Wait a second," Billy stepped in front of Freddie. "How do we know this is really a vampire or not?"

Freddie got mean eyes. "Frankly, Billy, I don't give a s.h.i.t if it's a vampire, my sister, or Mother G.o.dd.a.m.n Theresa. I'm f.u.c.king it."

"You want to go to jail, Freddie? We could all go to jail for this. Is a piece of a.s.s worth prison?"

"h.e.l.l yeah."

"Hold up, Freddie." Jim Bob smiled, put a hand on his shoulder. "Billy's right. I don't want to see my good buddies go down on no felony charges. Lemme prove to you this b.i.t.c.h is what I say she is. First of all, any of you see her breathing?"

The three squinted, looking for the telltale rise and fall of the nekkid girl's chest. It didn't move an inch.

"See? No breathing. Now Billy, you want to check to see if you can find a pulse?"

Billy reached out a hand, then hesitated.

"I don't want to."

"Well, s.h.i.t. You want to stick your peter in her, but you're afraid to touch her wrist?"

Billy swallowed and put two fingers on her wrist, right below where the baling wire bound her to the bedpost.

"Nothing," Billy said. "And she's real cold."

"You sure this ain't just a dead body?" Zeke said. "Because I didn't just pay two packs of smokes to b.u.g.g.e.r no dead b.i.t.c.h."

"Does a dead body do this?"

Jim Bob reached into his jeans and took out a small silver rosary. He touched the cross to the girl's thigh.

The reaction was instant. The skin blistered and smoked, burning a cross shape into her flesh.

"G.o.dd.a.m.n!"

Freddie sniffed the air. "Smells like bacon."

Billy grabbed Jim Bob's wrist, pulled it away from the vampire.

"Jesus, Jim Bob! You made your point. Quit marking her all up."

Jim Bob laughed. "Don't matter none. b.i.t.c.h heals up the next day. You can get real rough with this little lady, and she's like that f.u.c.king battery bunny on TV. Keeps on a'going."

To prove his point, Jim Bob made a fist and punched at her ribs until the left side of her chest caved in.

"Lemme have a go," said Zeke. He picked up the rubber mallet resting on the dresser and brought it down hard on the girl's knee. There was a snapping sound, and the knee bent inwards.

"Son of a b.i.t.c.h! Ain't that somethin'..."

All four men jumped back as the vampire lurched in the bed, her toothless mouth stretched open, crying out like a colicky child.

But no sound came out.

"Shut the f.u.c.k up, wh.o.r.e," Jim Bob said, slapping the vampire across the face. She narrowed her yellow eyes at him and hissed, her fat lips flapping.

"d.a.m.n," Billy said. "That's some scary s.h.i.t."

"You kidding? This is the perfect woman. Beat her a.s.s and she can't complain."

Freddie's bibs were already around his ankles.

"I'm first. What do I do? Just stick it in her suck hole?"

Jim Bob slapped her again, then swallowed another piece of cigar. "You could, but it ain't no good. She tries to spit it out."

"Then what do I do?"

Jim Bob put the rosary back in his pants, and his hand came out with a pocket knife.

"Give yourself a little nick on the p.e.c.k.e.r with this."

Freddie hooded his eyes. "Slice open my p.e.c.k.e.r? f.u.c.k you."

"Trust me, Freddie. This b.i.t.c.h drinks blood. She goes crazy for just a little taste. Just make a tiny little cut, and she'll suck your b.a.l.l.s right out your d.i.c.k hole."

"No way."

"Don't be a p.u.s.s.y," Zeke said. "Ain't nothing but a little p.r.i.c.k on a little p.r.i.c.k."

"Then you go first."

"No problem." Zeke shoved Freddie aside and dropped trou. "Gimme the d.a.m.n knife."

Jim Bob handed Zeke the pocket knife and watched his friend made a tiny slit along the top of his dirty, wrinkled foreskin.

"Now what?" Zeke asked.

"Climb on and give her a taste...and get ready for the ride of your life."

Zeke got onto the bed, causing the vampire to scream again when he kneed her broken ribs. But when his b.l.o.o.d.y d.i.c.k got near her lips, she stopped screaming and opened her mouth wide, straining to reach it, tongue licking the air.

"Well, lookee here. b.i.t.c.h really wants it."

"Shove it in, Zeke. Let her have it."

Zeke did, and the room filled with slurping and sucking sounds. Zeke's eyes rolled up into his head and he moaned.

"Is it good, Zeke?"

"Unngh unghh unghh unghh..."

"Is that yeah?"

"Oh...f.u.c.k yeah..."

Zeke's hips were like a piston, gaining speed. Within a minute, his hairy b.u.t.t clenched, his thighs spasmed, and he was crying out for his mama.

Zeke fell back with a look on his face that was positively f.u.c.king angelic.

"I've been boning since I was eleven years old, and that was the best f.u.c.k I've had in my whole entire G.o.dd.a.m.n life."

"I'm next," Freddie said.

Jim Bob handed him the knife, and Freddie gave his p.e.c.k.e.r two pokes, one on either side of the head, before jamming it in.

Freddie was even quicker than Zeke, finishing up faster than it took most guys to p.i.s.s.

"That made my nose hair curl," Freddie said, laughing. "d.a.m.n, Jim Bob, I think I shot about a gallon into that b.i.t.c.h."

"G.o.dd.a.m.n sloppy thirds," Billy swore. But that didn't stop him from stripping off his s.h.i.t stained underwear, giving his p.e.c.k.e.r a little cut, and ramming it in those drippy fat lips.

Jim Bob had gotten it four times the night prior, but watching his buddies go at it made his c.o.c.k so hard he could jack up a car with it. When Billy finished, Jim Bob gave himself a poke-poke with the knife, squeezed to get the bleeding started, and shoved it down her throat.

The sensation was no less incredible than it had been the first four times. This b.i.t.c.h used it all; her lips, her tongue, her cheeks, her throat. She bobbed her head so fast it was a f.u.c.king blur. G.o.dd.a.m.n, it was good. For five dollars, this was the deal of the century. He should charge at least seven-fifty. h.e.l.l, when word got around, there'd be guys lined up out the door for a taste of this. At seventy-fifty a head, twenty people per day...

"Ouch!"

Jim Bob pulled out. While he was mouth f.u.c.king her, he felt something pinch.

Sure enough, looking down at his d.i.c.k, there was more blood than there should have been.

"What the f.u.c.k?"

He tried to wipe away the blood, and then noticed the small hole near the base of his p.e.c.k.e.r.

"What happened, Jim Bob?"

Jim Bob clenched his teeth.

"f.u.c.king b.i.t.c.h bit me."

"I thought you knocked out her teeth."

"I did."

Jim Bob reached over to the dresser, picked up his chisel. He shoved it in the vampire's mouth and pried her jaws open.

There it was, on her upper gums; a new G.o.dd.a.m.n tooth growing in.

"Son of a b.i.t.c.h!"